To hate the way DH's relatives' say goodbye

[QuestaVecchiaCasa]

I probably am BU but I would be grateful if you could give me some tips on how to manage this better.

When we meet for family gatherings there are usually around 15 of us from 3-4 "nuclear" families. In my book, the family leaving should discretely pack their bags into the car and then 15 people spend 5 minutes in the hallway doing the quick peck on the cheek before the departing family leave.

What happens with DH's family is that as soon as we make initial moves to start our journey home one of them will rush over an start talking to him about something totally irrelevant. The process of packing the car then gets dragged out over about half an hour. They will start the pecking on the cheek business outside on the drive and as there are lots of us it can take ages. Whilst waiting for the people that haven't yet had a kiss, one or two will go to their coats or find a present that they had intended to give us dragging it out any longer, ad infinitum. once it took 3 hours and I am not joking

I can just about cope with this in summer but today, it was bloody cold so I thought I would try a different technique as we were the hosts.

When the departing family had kissed everyone in the hall, I said goodbye and then shut the front door leaving them to faff around packing the car on the drive. It felt a bit rude but the alternative was the possibility of having the front door open for a further hour whilst they messed about.

How do normal families manage this?

[Ravenesque]

I sob have no living immediate family at all sob. You are lucky to have two sets of family who love you and want to spend time with you.

But.

When my mum was still alive she did this and having the sort of relationship with her where things could be said, I'd say "Oh, ffs, mum, Just stay or go, but make your bloody mind up!" But then she was my mum, so I was allowed to do that. More difficult with in-laws.

You're not bu and you don't have to feel guilty for having a family who care for you but also irritate you occasionally too. So sod the "mehs".

Btw, if you are close and happy with them beside this thing, then try something along the lines of "I love you dearly, but this sort of does my nut in" and talk to them about it in a jokey sort of way. If you can. As for closing the door on them. Yeah, I'd do that too.

[JinkxMonsoon]

Faff = female genitalia?

No, that's foof

OP, that sounds annoying as shit. I can't abide faffers

[phoenix1973]

Yanbu.
Same here. I call it the hour long goodbye and no longer get involved.
I start clearing away, say goodbye and decamp to the kitchen and leave dp to herd them out.
They are lovely but for me, it's "oh we'd better get going now" followed by moderate rising from the seats, gather bags, hug, then leave. I wave them off then we all carry on.should take 10 mins tops.
Not an hour.
They get up, then the fil remembers something and drones on to partner..... they've been here 6 hours.....
I've been in freezing cold pub car parks at night waiting for them to do the hour long goodbye in the cold...... now I take the keys, start the engine and wait in the warm car. Much better.
We've been together for 20 years.

[Candlelight123]

YANBU x100!
I have been known to go and sit in the car on my own when this starts as it fucks me off so much. apparently that's rude

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

OP next time you need to clash some bin lids and have a spray bottle of water to get rid of the persistent ones next time

[Marcipex]

I say 'faffing about' as a politer version of 'fannying about'.
So I think he's right.

[Sunshine59]

My DH family does this, he hates it, but I quite like it, although he always does say we need to be going about a hour before we do

[Lorelei76]

I honestly didn't know anyone did this
I understand the odd "oops forgot to tell you blah" but three hours?!

[tigerdriverII]

I hate this. I've been known to go to bed and let DH deal with the lingerers.

[Lorelei76]

Or even one hour. Bizarre.

[Chinlo]

I don't think its unusual. It's inevitable really. Getting mad about it is definitely a very British thing!

All you really need to do is accept it, and start your goodbyes an hour before you actually want to leave.

[Joinourclub]

I think this is a problem whenever you have gatherings of more than 2 groups. You just have to be assertive and say 'right we are off now'. Or on the other hand start to prepare to leave half an hour before you really need to.

[Chinlo]

Anyway he doesn't like me saying the word faff as he says it relates to 'female genitalia'!!! Does it????

Well... lmgtfy.com/?q=define+faff

:)

[LadyVampire]

My DH relatives are the same. We always agree a time to leave eg 10am *they are 4 hours away) and it's 9:50 and his relatives start doing loads of other things and I'm there going "we need to leave in 10 min". Frustrating.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Oh brilliant thread...!

Now, does anybody have tips for avoiding the kisses and bear-hugs? I've taken to pushing the kids in for another 'go' but the kissers/huggers seem to remember that they've 'done them' and I don't escape...

[Cary2012]

This thread reminds me about a time years ago when now Ex's elderly parents dithered around for about an hour leaving after a very long visit one Christmas. We were in a small starter home and the front door opened straight into lounge. 3 small kids, tired from the excitement and these two very difficult(her in particular) gps who didn't get that they'd overstayed their welcome. After constantly waving them off, then them coming back to 'just mention something important' (like don't forget Eastenders is on at a different time duck) they finally buggered off. We went through to kitchen, "thank fuck for that" their beloved son said. "never fucking doing that again" I managed, pulling a bottle of wine out of the fridge. We both turned round to find fil stood there behind us, asking if he could just spend a penny because they had a long trip (30 mins max) ahead of them.

He'd heard every word. We didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

[JinkxMonsoon]

Hahahaha Cary. Brilliant

[OwlinaTree]

cary We have a relative like that, when you mention leaving its like 'Oh do you want to download xyz before you go?' or 'Can you have a quick look at my computer?' etcetc. Always takes another hour. Grrr

[Lorelei76]

Cary it sounds like it was a good thing.
This thread reminds me of a colleague who was amazed I'd never encountered people who do this before. We talked about it last Xmas. There's a family - not mine - with whom I spend part of Xmas, two other branches of that family visit, from grandparents to toddlers. I'm usually there an extra night for me and my mate to chat, also to help clear up, spend times with kids etc as I'm not nearby.

They always just pack, say bye and go. Why wouldn't you? Confusing.

[GrabbyGrabby]

DHs family try to do this but DH and I just ignore it. I don't think yabu to be annoyed by it but I think you are bit daft and a bit useless to just stand there letting them delay you. You don't have to be rude just firm. There is no need at all to do all the kissing nonsense either.

DHs family all stand in the road waving us off, they usually cry too as though we are going away for years. I wish 😂

[Sara107]

My dh has this tendency, we are the ones who are always last to leave anybody else's house ..... as the hosts close the door behind us I should think they breathe a sigh of relief and say 'thought they'ld never go!' It requires a bit of firmness, you just have to tell dh to come on, it's time to go. You can soften it a bit by saying things like it's getting late, x or y needs to go to bed, we've got a long journey ahead etc as appropriate.

[MrsItsNoworNotatAll1]

That would drive me mad! Mil has a habit of finding something to show me or starts messing about with the children whilst they're putting on the coats, shoes etc. Pisses me off. I just want to go home ffs!

[toomuchtooold]

My dad died a few years back, my mother's an abusive nutter and I don't have any siblings. When DH's relatives visit and take 45 minutes to say goodbye, the added perspective about the preciousness of family makes not the slightest difference to how bloody irritating it is.

[Lorelei76]

Grabby, they cry?!

[JinkxMonsoon]

I'm pretty sure that MIL cries every time we drive away from her house. She certainly looks very upset and bereft.

Makes me feel guilty as hell, because we only visit every couple of months (it's a 2hr round trip and their house is a hoarder's paradise so it's not enjoyable with a baby) and I know she'd love to see us more. But equally she can't be bothered to travel to our house so...