Sorry Christmas related post, demands without invitation.

[sugarplumfairy28]

We live in Germany, my parents live in a flat under ours (it's a bit more complicated than that, but it sums it up) This will be our 3rd Christmas since living here.

First year we went back to the UK, and spent it with DH's family. Last year my BIL came over here and so I cooked Christmas dinner, my parents did have the courtesy to ask if they could be included.

This year, no-one is coming over and we're not going anywhere. My Mum made some flippant comment about what she wants me to cook for Christmas dinner. After digging around a little, she is expecting me, to cook, pay and host Christmas dinner for all of us.

AIBU in cooking a Christmas dinner that I want to eat, and DH for that matter, and my parents can get what they are given, even if I know full well they would prefer something else or perhaps not like it? They have invited themselves, but literally want everything doing for them and want to be catered for at my expense. If they would have asked even just out of courtesy I would probably feel a lot more accommodating.

[Katy07]

I've no idea what the back story is but if you're invited to someone else's for Christmas (or in their case have invited themselves!) then you eat what's been cooked. The only exception is if you're allergic to something or have some particular dietary habits (veggie etc.), and with the latter then you're relying on your hosts generosity in providing something suitable. You don't decide that you'll eat neither chicken or lamb and insist on turkey.
If they want turkey they can eat at their place. If they want you to cook they get not just one but two tasty choices.

[Whocansay]

Would it be possible to tell them you and your DH want to do your own thing? They sound utterly horrible. I hope you get out o the entire situation very soon.

If not, just tell them the are welcome to bring whatever they want to eat, but you will be cooking X.

[fluffiphlox]

Ahickie my question was more rhetorical or an exclamation than a demand for justification. Maybe I should have added an exclamation mark as well as the question mark. I think if I was the OP I might make secret plans for a Christmas ski trip or similar.

[sugarplumfairy28]

Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to be deliberately difficult. I would love to have some asparagus, but the sight of it makes my Dad feel sick, and the smell of it actually makes him sick, so it's not like I'd do that on purpose.

I'm going to avoid the subject altogether and just see where shopping takes me. DH said he'll scare them into feeling bad if they start up again. My parents don't like arguing with him if they think he is having a 'polar bear' episode.

[Littleoakhorn]

Your options are :

1. Serve up some day-old cold currywurst and only pull out the real meal when they've gone downstairs in a huff.
   
2. Refuse to discuss the menu and cook what you like.
   
3. Tell them to bring whatever it is they're convinced is essential Christmas day food.
   

Definitely don't just cook what they want, it's your Christmas too!

[Ahickiefromkinickie]

I really wasn't expecting a personal and detailed explanation.

What were you expecting?

Good luck, OP. Just read your other thread, they sound awful.

[sugarplumfairy28]

fluff if only it was something as nice as that. My BIL came last year, and said very similar things to what you said when requesting food for Christmas dinner, and I was very happy to oblige. This year there was a possibility of our nephew coming this year, he can't eat Gluten and I was more than happy to educate myself and make sure he was included in Christmas dinner, and not left out in any way.

The way they speak and demand things, is always negative and rude. Seriously if it would have been we'd like Turkey, but I can cook it and bring it up, no problem, or we really fancy Turkey this year is there any way that you can get that in the oven, no problem. But not, "when are you doing your Christmas food shopping cos we are sick of Chicken and want Turkey."

Oldraver the plot is certainly underway. Unfortunately it's going to take longer than we'd hoped. But better that we've been and spoken to people and now have a timeline for when things need to happen.

[fluffiphlox]

Sorry OP
I really wasn't expecting a personal and detailed explanation. All I know is that I cook a family meal every Christmas time for 12/14 people and if someone said 'can we have that lovely ham you did last year?' I'd be thrilled. Admittedly I don't live with any of them bar one. Take them out for lunch instead if you don't want to cook perhaps?

[Oldraver]

I thought you were plotting your escape from your folks ?

[sugarplumfairy28]

Fluff wannabe We have been working our socks off to get us in a position to get out of here. We do have a plan, but finances just won't allow us to up sticks and walk out, even going to a B&B is unrealistic in terms of finances. We have spoken to our bank, school, kindergarten and been viewing property so the wheels are in motion. Things haven't been too bad, as my MIL has been over recent which puts them in their place for a while.

[sugarplumfairy28]

Thanks guys I just needed a sanity check. If only they would have asked nicely I honestly would have just done it.

[fluffiphlox]

Why are you living with people you seem to dislike and begrudge cooking a Christmas lunch for?

[wannabestressfree]

Why on earth do you still live with them? This is not going to get any better. It's the same thread with a variation on a theme.....

[RubbishMantra]

Ooh, just remembered a recent thread. Guests invited themselves to dinner, told hosts they would like a take-away in advance. Hosts were expected to pay for said take-away, as well as picking up guests and taking them home. Hosts drank too much accidentally so couldn't give a lift home, and called a taxi. Their guests asked for them to pay for the taxi fare home. Hosts politely declined.

Hosts made a perfectly nice meal, and also arranged a line of various whole fruits in order of size as hors d'oeuvres. The largest being a whole melon, as I recall.

Could this work for you?

[Benedikte2]

Sorry mum I don't do turkey. IF I cook the meal it will be chicken and lamb, however, We thought you might like to do the Christmas dinner this year, for once!

[ToastieRoastie]

Could you suggest they cook the turkey in their own oven and bring it upstairs, along with wine/dessert/whatever else you think they could contribute?

[DoItTooJulia]

Fuck 'em. You know they're awful and this is just more of the same. You know too that whatever you do it'll leave a bitter taste, so just fuck 'em!

[RubbishMantra]

The assumption that you will be hosting Christmas aside, It's incredibly rude to dictate what the meal should consist of.

If you're happy to host, then a non-committal "uh-huh" re. suggestions of what you should serve. Then serve what exactly what you and DH wanted to eat. I'd feel gutted making a feast that I didn't want to eat. That's why I've never cooked a turkey.

If you don't want to host, (wouldn't blame you) then, "would you like us to bring dessert/xyz to accompany the fabulous meal it appears you're making in your flat?"

Inviting oneself for dinner (whatever the occasion) and "suggesting" what your hosts should cook is mad and entitled!

[QueenArseClangers]

They're being their grabby selves sugar.
Do the Christmas dinner you'd like and if they want to participate then give them a list of things they can cook/buy.

[Huldra]

Turkey Twizzlers?

[YouTheCat]

If they want turkey then they can cook it and have it at theirs.

[sugarplumfairy28]

Voodoo my Mum never cooked Christmas dinner for us, she always said she couldn't be bothered and we went to my Nans. What I would give to be able to have my Nan and Grandad over to cook for them! I would bend over backwards for them.

It would be a case of having to compromise some things for me and DH to meet their demands, just in terms of oven space and time etc. Example we don't eat turkey, shameful I know, we always do Chicken but DH and I would like to do a small chicken and some lamb, Mum and Dad want a proper whole Turkey - even though they both eat chicken and lamb.

[VoodooPeople]

Putting aside the possibility of the aforementioned backstory ...

She is being unreasonable to dictate to you what you cook etc.

On the other hand most mothers will have cooked 16+ years worth of Christmas dinner for their children so it's not unreasonable to cook for them now you are a position to do so?

[sugarplumfairy28]

Indeed there is the backstory. Queen that's the one.

I was fully prepared to cook for everyone, and to be honest probably buy it all anyway. What has just put me off, was the the bypassing of any manners, any offer to even help, and just start demanding things.

I would love to have a Christmas dinner like my Nan used to do. There was something for everyone. People got excited over her roast potatoes, and a huge buzz when we all sat down and could eat. There was an argument over who could help tidy up, and a mission to keep my Nan out of the kitchen and make her sit down. I loved those days. I would love to do that, but even I remember that you didn't demand that Nan cook you anything, you still asked if you could join them, and you bloody mucked in. The whole point was family.

I know even if I cook things that DH would like (lamb for example, as you literally only get lamb at Christmas or easter, never in the shops any other time of year) there will be things that my parents like. I always have to do Chicken for the children, there will be stuffing and veg. I know they won't go hungry but it won't be the menu they are demanding. I feel like it is a lesson in having some manners towards me.

[PaulDacresConscience]

I think there is a back story to this, no?

If you are the poster I am thinking of then YANBU. Tell them what RuggerHug said.