To be upset DP's mum didn't invite us to her wedding?

[IsthisMummy]

Dp and mum have a rocky relationship. She threw him out of house when he was 17 and extremely vulnerable. They've been trying to rebuild relationship in last year or so though.

DP found out last month (via facebook) that mum had married her long term fiance a few days previously!! DP downplayed it, saying it was probably a lunch break, guest free, registry office do.

However they came to visit us at weekend, and the new husband revealed (via showing us the photos) that it was actually in a very nice venue with 12 guests (including my DP's little brother) They all went out for a fancy restaurant meal afterwards as well.

Now I know the rule is that you invite whoever you choose to your wedding, but aibu to be upset about it? It just seems so cold and odd not to invite your own son to your wedding! She also didn't invite her middle son. I've been really trying to encourage DP's relationship with mum up until now, and this feels like a real smack in the face.

I really don't know what to think now

[IsthisMummy]

I think withdrawing as much as possible will be the order of the day. Fortunately they don't live especially close to us.

She also made a big show of sending her food back and asking for a refund on it in a pub I'd recommended in the same visit. I was so embarrassed, but she just asked me if I had the hump and made a parting shot about it being "only some food" when they left our flat later on"

The more I type the more I'm disliking her actually

Giveusawobble. My own family are far from the Walton's either unfortunately. Although dp's mum still definitely wins the worst parent prize.

[Giveusawobble]

If there is no reason to stay where you are is be upping sticks and moving near your family, show him and your future children the real meaning.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I agree, she is not interested in a relationship with your dh, she sounds extremely toxic. I would withdraw and encourage your dh to, it will save the hurt in the future.

[JustSpeakSense]

She threw her teenagers out of the house. She chose herself over them. She will continue to do this, do not have anything more to do with this woman she is poison you do not need her in your life. Cut ties now, it will be easier before you have a child.

[IsthisMummy]

I have often wondered myself if the youngest son will be out on his ear once he goes from young and cute to troublesome teen!

Thumbwitchesabroad. I was astonished at the photos. I actually made noises about how nice they were. I was just so gobsmacked at the whole thing!

We are actually trying to ttc atm and both have fertility issues. After this I've made it clear I don't want dp mum to know anything.

Both dp and his younger brother are such cute, lovely looking and sweet young men as well. Some women just don't know how lucky they are😢

[Jiggl]

Talk to your DP. Tell him that you were wrong to encourage a relationship between them and you understand better now why he keeps an emotional distance. And disengage from them.

You and DP and furbabies are a family. If in the future you decide to add to your family with tiny humans then do that. But this obsession of her wanting a granddaughter is a bit iffy, and I would not be letting her anywhere near any potential DC to damage the way she did with her own boys. Chances are in 4 or 5 years you'll see the youngest brother chucked out too. She has form.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

YANBU to be upset given that it's a real smack in the face for your DP, but from the rest of your posts, I would say it was pretty much inevitable.

And the "new" DH clearly has no feelings for or about your DP or his younger brother, as he had no compunction in allowing them to be thrown out of their home, or to be ignored for the wedding AND then had the cheek to show him the wedding photos, how very fucking rude and rubbing his nose in it!

All in all, I'd say stop trying with them, and leave your DP to make his own mind up about whether or not he wants to bother - if he asks your opinion, say if it were you, you wouldn't any more, since they clearly don't give a shit about him but it's up to him.

So sorry your DP and his younger brother have such a shit mum. :(

And yes, keep any grandchildren WELL away from her.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Reading more of your posts, it would be better for your partners well being, if he had no more contact with her.

[Aeroflotgirl]

This is not nice, especially when he and his mum are trying to build a relationship. This would be a dealbreaker, and would make me think less of her. He should not expect too much from her, and expect to be disappointed.

[IsthisMummy]

That's awful TheCakes. Your poor dc😢

M1ssunderstood. I did think it was a really bizarre comment regarding female grandchild. She also said she didn't think she would ever be a grandmother. A weird thing to say given she has three sons and the eldest isn't even halfway through his twenties yet!

I'll definitely be stepping back from now SangTheSun. I think dp and I will concentrate on our own family for now, even if it does currently just consist of a cat and a dog!

[SangtheSun]

I've experienced 3 people "encouraging" relationships between members of families they married into.

In each case they refused to listen to the person who had distanced them self from the toxic person, thinking they knew better.

In no case did it go well. In one case their active meddling ( not saying you meddle, at all op) actually caused lasting damage and complete nc.

[TheCakes]

My children's dad got married in the summer and didn't invite them.

[M1ssunderstood]

The first time I met her she asked us to hurry up giving her a grandchild and to make it a girl if possible!!

This! Who says this to someone they have just met? If you were to have a baby and it was a boy would he be "discarded" too? People like your DP's mum have zero empathy and are unable to self reflect. Great if she makes it up with her son but actions speak louder than words.

[Crazycatladyloz82]

DHs mother did the same. One of her new husband's children is estranged from him so they wouldn't invite any of the children as he was embarrassed I think that not all were there. They invited friends instead and then sat for hours going through endless photos with us of people we didn't know. DH was clearly very hurt and angry about it all. and that along with a long list of other shit things his family has done means we have little or no relationship with them thank god

[SlottedSpoon]

Okay that puts a very different slant on things, presuming he is not seriously minimising any awful behaviour on his own part. I'm sure he wasn't an angel or easy to live with, (teenaged boys often aren't) but I am also sure that much of the reason for his difficult behaviour can be laid squarely at the feet of his pretty useless and self absorbed parents who put their own love lives and perceived needs before the needs of him and his brother. Its very sad and also alarmingly common.

But there is pretty much nothing you can do to make this woman see where she might have gone wrong. She will always bleat 'but I did the best I could.' And she probably did, in her way, because some people just aren't very good at it, this parenting thing.

She will always paint herself as the struggling single mum who deserved to be happy with her man, (whichever man it was that month) and as far as kicking her teenaged sons out goes, she will always see herself as the victim who had no choice in this. I doubt she has the capability or the willingness to reflect on how she might have done things differently for a different outcome. And of course his Dad should take his share of the blame, which is probably quite a big share.

I think you need to allow him to make his mind up what he wants from his relationship with her now, and do or say nothing to influence him either way - just support him in coming to terms with how he feels.

[IsthisMummy]

I think you're right leaveittotgediva. My own mams reply to the situation was "She throws her teenage children out of the house. Why would you expect anything from her?"

I've clearly been deeply misguided over the whole affair.

[IsthisMummy]

Oh and she wasn't single when she threw DP and middle brother out. She was living with father of the youngest son, the guy she's just married. They'd been in a ltr for quite some years at that point. Clearly she's never considered them all to be a family together. The new husband never made any attempt to treat the two eldest as his own.

[leaveittothediva]

She has shown what she was like originally by discarding her two sons. Poison is to be expected from standing water. She's shown you who she is already. Believe her. She's a snake.

[IsthisMummy]

Perhaps I have been naive about the not leaving a grandchild alone with her thing ExitPersuedBySpartacus

[IsthisMummy]

He did used to smoke a lot of weed, but I think this was more after she threw him out and he ended up at his grandmas house (dads side) He's had some very dark periods of drug taking, self harm etc. He fully admits that he had totally given up on life before we met. A heartbreaking thing to hear when he's still so young.

Ironically it was his dad that found accommodation for him and his brother after mum through them out. Yet the mother loves to say how useless the dad is whenever you mention him! So many unhealthy dynamics at play.

[ExitPursuedBySpartacus]

Surprised you need to ask about not leaving grandchildren with her.

Your poor DP. Thank goodness he has you.

[IsthisMummy]

Lots of interesting replies. Thank you everyone.

I shall most definitely be keeping out of the relationship from now on. Up until now I had been encouraging it for two reasons. The first being that I wanted DP to have the relationship I think he deserves with his family and the second (quite selfishly) being that my own family are hundreds of miles away and I sometimes feel isolated as well.


Perhaps I have been blind in the face of all evidence. In all fairness my DP has told me repeatedly that his mum isn't someone you should expect anything from. She did actually have the grace to look embarrassed when her new husband showed me the pictures and said it was just another day! I know she would never have mentioned it if I hadn't brought it up first by congratulating them (obviously I didn't know details of guests and venue then)

Interesting that people are saying don't leave a child alone with her. Why would people advise this is unwise? Ironically she's desperate for grandchildren. The first time I met her she asked us to hurry up giving her a grandchild and to make it a girl if possible!!

Dp's youngest brother is ten, so there's a big age gap. My DP and his middle brother have the same dad and the mum divorced him when DP was five. She then (by her own admission) married a man who was very unkind to DP and the middle brother. She then had more than one uncle through the house when they also got divorced. I'm sure my DP wasn't an angelic teenager, but he certainly wasn't a law breaking, money stealer. He's never been in trouble with the police in his life. I'm biased obviously, but he is the sweetest, kindest and most affectionate young man in the world. Any mother would be proud to call him her soon. He is quite damaged emotionally though in the sense he can be very detached from people (apart from me) I think he just shut his feelings down when young due to trauma.

His dad is also pretty much an absent father, although I do get on with him on rare occasions we meet. DP really does deserve better. It makes me so very sad

[Fishface77]

Stop encouraging their relationship!
Let your dp decide what he wants to do!

[SlottedSpoon]

Also an awful lot of depression, MH problems and inability to get their lives together in young males is caused by the fact that they can't leave the Skunk alone. Again, I have no idea about your DP OP but I'll bet there was a bit more to it than just the 'normal teenage stuff' you've described it as.

I still think though, if he is out the other side of that now and has a relationship with his mother then it was cruel not to invite them.

[OzzieFem]

Agree with SlottedSpoon. BUT BUT BUT without knowing these people personally I would always stop and think 'walk a mile in their shoes' before judging someone for 'throwing out' a 'vulnerable' seventeen year old.

Just reading some of the threads about teenage boys causing problems in the home, I bet if you asked the boys, their viewpoint would be totally different from the mothers in question, so your DP's version is suspect. As for the middle son he may have been following his elder brothers example.

As for not inviting them (eldest two sons) to the wedding, it was a small affair and perhaps the couple did not want to risk any fallout about the past being brought up. Every couple getting married wants a happy, stressful occasion.

OP - let it go. If you really want to judge your MIL than only do it from what you actually see and hear from now on.