Friend's son using drugs? WWYD

[SuperMoonIsKeepingMeUpToo]

I've known my friend for 12 years, ever since our children started nursery together. We've been very close over the years, although we've not seen so much of each other in the last year or so. Her son is just about to turn 15.

I bumped into one of the other nursery mums a few weeks ago, who told me that friend's son had messaged her daughter (17 yo) asking whether she had any weed (the mum only knows as she has access to her daughter's messenger account, unbeknownst to daughter). The daughter, on the advice of her trainee policeman boyfriend's advice, deleted the message (she'd sent him a screenshot of the message, this is what the mum saw). What, if anything, should I do? How do I let friend know without compromising the other woman's relationship with her daughter?

[lljkk]

Ha! A confluence of snooping & drugging themes.

(yr10) DD has a close friend from a naice family, "Amy"
Amy's mom reserves right to check Amy's phone etc.
Amy & DD used to indulge in very public semi-violent banter.
Amy's mum phoned me up to complain that DD had been violent & mean towards Amy.
I decided to listen sympathetically & apologetically, and not explain to Amy's mom the real relationship between DD & Amy. Amy's mom would be very angry at her daughter for behaving like that.
Amy's friends deluged Amy with messages of "You hypocrite!"
Okay, so whatever.
DD says it's now widespread knowledge that Amy's bessie uses drugs.
Do I tell Amy's mom about the bessie's druggie reputation? Not a sausage of a chance.

"Beth" comes from a naice family, Beth's mom disapproves of DD for swearing. (DD knows not to swear around me but I don't control her banter with others). Beth's mom checks Beth's phone whenever she likes. Beth thoroughly deletes many messages & has secrets (had a secret boyfriend, even). I had to help Beth get out of that relationship when the boyfriend turned difficult. :(

Beth has friends with the drug experimenter reputation. Beth will not talk to her mother about them.

[GahBuggerit]

possible the dd has got wind of her mums spying and is covering her arse with faux "oh gosh mum who is spying policeman boyfriend look at this text what on earth should i do as this could make it look like i supply drugs to kids...."

[ChinUpChestOut]

Tricky. My DS(17) talks to me about drugs, and I know that he's tried weed but because of his asthma, and his school's drug testing policy, he hasn't taken it further. He has, however, told me which of his friends smoke pot, tobacco and/or drink too much. And I know that a couple of the strict Mums have absolutely no idea, while the more "relaxed but still concerned" type Mums do know.

I've decided that as I don't have first hand evidence myself I can't reasonably pass any of this on to the other Mums. There's a possibility that the friends tell DS they do more than they really do "oh mate I drank so much" kind of thing. I think I also came to this decision partly because I know it's not heavy, regular use of weed, alcohol etc and partly because it's not ecstasy, coke etc., which to me would be a deal breaker.

But who knows if I've got this right. Parenting teenagers is a minefield.

[SpunkyMummy]

But unless your friend says that her DS seems to be upset/unfocused/unconcetrated on a regular basis I would stay out of this.

And yes, I agree with pony.
Why did he ask her DD for weed?

[SpunkyMummy]

the mum only knows as she has access to her daughter's messenger account, unbeknownst to daughter

My mother used to snoop. It made me paranoid, anxious and obsessive/compulsive. That's an incredible breach of boundaries, it's one of the worst things a parent can do imo.

As for the son. Yes, weed is terrible for teenagers. At least when it's consumed on a regular basis.

However, I and most of our friends consumed some weed when we were younger. and yet w re functioning adults now. I think it does depend on the quantity. A few times a year isn't that bad. A few times a week however....

You could talk to the mother? Ask her if her son is behaving differently? Or tell her that you have reason to believe that her son is interested in drugs...

[BratFarrarsPony]

I think the 'other nursery mum' should stop gossipping and snooping and worry more about her own child tbh.
There is a reason why someone asked her dd for weed, after all....
Stay well out of it OP.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

I agree about weed for teens Imperial.

[ImperialBlether]

I think weed is one of the worst things for a teenager - makes them lethargic and unmotivated at a time where working hard can make a hell of a difference to the rest of their lives.

Unless the mum of the 17 year old is very worried about her child's safety, she shouldn't be looking at private messages. Having said that, if my friend had a son who was dabbling in drugs, I'd tell her rather than keep quiet.

[GahBuggerit]

i think id be more concerned at a mum spying on her grown up dds messages tbh! beak out, it wouldnt end well.

[lljkk]

I was a bit shocked that DD came out with a list of kids at her school who have smoked (tobacco) or other drugs (they claim). DD was stating her surprise that "Kids like her/him" would do that. Glad DD just talked to me. Not sure how to play it (keep in mind DD has correctly guessed i have a druggie past).

I think I'm going with a softly softly "That stuff doesn't make your life any better" kind of muttering. "Costs too much money, can ruin your health, could get you a criminal record." Hopefully things that jar strongly with what DC want to do.

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

I bet she forwarded it to the trainee policeman boyfriend because he could sort it!

My first thought too!

[maggiethemagpie]

Far far worse that the mother has access to the daughter's texts unknown to her, than a few weed smoking teenagers.

Agree that they wouldn't be asking her unless she was already 'in the know'

No point asking the square kids now, is there.

[griffinsss]

you don't know he's using drugs at all. He could just have been trying to get the attention of the girl to seem "cool". Or he could be trying to impress someone else by finding it for them.

My 18 y/o brother used to do this when he was younger. He'd say things like "yeah I'm going to pick up on my way home" implying drugs when in reality he was picking up our young siblings.... our mum found some of the messages and thought it was hilarious. He soon learned that the girls didn't find him cool for constantly talking about drugs too.

[MatildaTheCat]

Leaving the snooping mother aside.....I would tell the mother of the boy concerned.

I would say that I was not going to say who told me but that you have good evidence that he is, at the very least, trying to get weed and since it's hardly difficult to get hold of, he's very likely to be using. Whoever said up thread that week is pretty harmless, no, that's not entirely true. Skunk and other strong forms of cannabis can be extremely harmful and adolescent boys are particularly vulnerable.

I speak as the mother of a boy who smoked weed from about this age. I couldn't stop it but I would rather be aware. 15 is a child.

[lljkk]

I am on the fence.
(Keep in mind I was a druggie teen, too, outgrew drugs by time I was 15).

My gut feeling is that it's insufficient to go on, you've only got a rumour and it's only a question from the lad, not evidence of problem use.

BUT if someone said they were my friend & had strong evidence of an ongoing drug problem, I'd consider it a betrayal if they didn't tell me something. They don't have to explain how they knew & I wouldn't freak out.

OP: you know the real people and you know best whether this information would be useful or just create more problems.

[Fanfeck]

And that she deleted it because it incriminated HER bit the 15 year old.

[Fanfeck]

I bet she forwarded it to the trainee policeman boyfriend because he could sort it!

[Sandybum]

What a fucking busybody the other mum is! Spying on her almost ADULT daughter's private messages sent to her boyfriend and then gossiping about it!

[ilovesooty]

I can't see that it can be right for mum to access 17 year old's messages, for friend to know about it and daughter not to know she's being monitored.

[Heidibb]

The mum might have very good reason for accessing her daughter's account.

At 17 and without her knowledge? I really don't think so.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

No, that's their family business, people shouldn't be telling anyone about messages or drugs. The mum might have very good reason for accessing her daughter's account.

[BowieFan]

A) Weed is hardly the worst thing in the world
B) Woman should be more worried about her daughter than the lad. From my experience, there were well established people who knew where to get it. I'd imagine 17yo knows where to get it, hence why she was being asked.

[Wigglewogglewoo]

Well first you need to tell the 17 year old girl that her mum is reading her messages.

[pasturesgreen]

Stay WELL out of it!