My house is so negative I want to scream and run away.

[fruitstick]

I love my family but want to scream.

The 'sound' of our house is so negative. If you took the words away and just listened to the tone everyone talks to each other in it's horrible.

A lot of this stems from DH who complains about everything. Now the DC have joined in - or they're bickering about something or teasing.

Every task is met with either refusal or sulking.

I want to tell them all to sod off!

How do I change the way people talk to each other? And is that even possible?

[a7mints]

I want to tell them all to sod off!
Doesn't sound like you are brimming with positivity either!

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Peppa. Do it with my dd. Definitely need to take the same line with dh

[Bountybarsyuk]

Moaning I would just ignore.

Rudeness, it's obvious if people are rude to you, then you won't feel like doing any of the following: giving lifts, paying for clubs/cinema, playing games/watching TV together, sharing internet and so on.

I don't fret over the odd eye roll or misjudged tone, there's a bit of minor stropping occasionally, and that's to be expected with teens. But major rudeness, shouting, nastiness or just contempt, no thanks, I don't want to live like that and I don't see that I should have to.

Encourage positive interactions, too, watch something everyone likes and have a laugh about it together (we watch X factor for this reason).

[Bountybarsyuk]

I am also a bit shouty sometimes, and the children tell me to take a time out or back off! Then they make me a cup of tea. They must have learned that somewhere!

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

Do a 'moan chart'. It doesn't matter how old they are.

I like this one I might try it myself.

[keepingonrunning]

I'm with Peppa: The most important thing is to take no prisoners - don't let bad behaviour slip through unnoticed.
YY - don't ignore negativity, always challenge it. Bear in mind the people around DC in later years whose mood and enjoyment of life will be brought down by them on a day-to-day basis. It will jeopardise their relationships with life partners and their own DC as well as friends and work colleagues. We all want our DC to be happy don't we, not with a constant half glass-empty mindset?

[5moreminutes]

I'd challenge rudeness and bullying but not simply "being negative" tbh - there is nothing more alienating than being told as a teen (or adult tbh) that even in your own home you have to pretend to be cheerful when you aren't - it's all a bit "cheer up love it might never happen".

I remember my mother endlessly whining that she "just wanted everyone to be happy" and all it did was add a layer of guilt on top of existing dissatisfactions/ unhappiness and make me feel I couldn't talk about anything negative - she's a people pleaser herself and would always rather plaster over the cracks and pretend everything is great than allow anyone to be open about struggling or being unhappy, she takes anything but cupcakes and rainbows very personally, whereas I like to get things out in the open and address disagreements or conflicts or unhappiness and sort it if possible. Also sometimes everyone (or almost everyone) needs a bit if a rant/ moan - banning it just makes it fester.

[CrotchetQuaverMinim]

Yes I was going to say the same thing as 5moreminutes did - make sure it's rudeness or bullying or bickering that you're challenging, and not just negative ways of speaking, because sometimes, that's just a person expressing how things are for them. And relentlessly being told to say things in a positive way, or having moans almost deliberately ignored and reframed with 'but at least you...' can be really frustrating, and make it seem like your thoughts and feelings don't matter. That in itself would make me want to be even more negative, in order to get my point across and actually feel heard . In our house we also didn't talk about negative things - they were just hidden away and repressed and pretended everything was fine, without ever resolving anything, and I've ended up with a big fear of conflict, of being seen as difficult, etc, whilst at the same time, wanting the sympathy of being listening to when something goes wrong and feeling guilty as a result.

I don't think always saying things in a positive way means that the person is really happy. It might be a way to get there if the person themselves chooses to look at things in that light, and to try to reframe their thinking themselves, but otherwise it just becomes a performance for someone else, a way of covering up, and doesn't make you happy. I know perfectly well how to say things in a positive way, to focus on the good stuff, etc, but it doesn't mean I feel it's true a lot of the time - only when I have really honestly thought about it and tried to see it that way and come to that conclusion myself. Just doing it so that someone else doesn't have to hear negative things is exhausting and ineffective.

Modelling good ways of seeing things yourself, and helping them work through things to come to those conclusions and genuinely develop a glass-half-full mindset is one thing. But it's easy to make children feel that they 're just not good enough being who they are, which might be a natural eeyore. And that can be really dangerous. We all want someone to love us unconditionally, even if we are negative, and not to have to feel that our natural personality is bad and wrong. Only if we feel accepted can we find ways of potentially changing it.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Could you play some uplifting music to lift the mood? "Walking on Sunshine" on repeat?

It's difficult, you don't want to be moaning about everyone moaning!

What about getting everyone out for a walk or starting a fun conversation at the table eg, funniest thing that happened to you this week or name one thing you like about the person sitting next to you..

[Jojobythesea]

Omg fruitstick I could've written this post myself!! I have totally empathy with you. My DH and two DS' are the same and it's driving me mad too. Just want less aggression and arguing and a bit of positivity, love and respect!! Not too much to ask surely... I will be reading this to look out for suggestions! Meanwhile ...

[Mindtrope]

This is not about the house or the kids- it's about your OH.

That's the issue that needs to be tackled. The kids are victims.

[Flingmoo]

Argh some people are just really negative people though. My grandmother likes to complain about everything. Even if you tell her good news it is met with a gloomy perspective.

Me: "I just booked a lovely holiday!"
Her: "Oh, I bet that set you back a bit..."

Me: "I just got a new pet!"
Her: "Hmm, who will look after it when you go on holiday?"

Me: "It's lovely and autumnal at the moment the leaves are beautiful"
Her: "Yes there's leaves all over my bloody lawn and it's an absolute mess"

I love her to bits but she'll always be like this. After speaking to her on the phone you always feel thoroughly depressed.

I wouldn't necessarily want to cast someone like this out of my life but it's not a great environment for kids to grow up in as it can leave them with a gloomy perspective on life that can stick with them forever

[sortthetacheoutbernard]

'Urgh I hate moaning, just crack on' has to be one of my most used phrases.

I'm sure its not approved of amongst the MN 'sit down and calmly explain' brigade but it works here. Moaning is never rewarded unless its completely justified.

[sortthetacheoutbernard]

I do let people talk about negative events, situations etc

General grumbling about being wet in the rainy walk home, or sore legs on a reasonable walk or hungry an hour after a good breakfast or that their brother gets everything and they don't and a day out wasnt quite want they wanted..........well they have to learn that's just tedious and as an adult these people are dull and whiny!

[CrotchetQuaverMinim]

I'm sure my mum would have said similar, that she wouldn't put up with moaning, that we could talk about justified negative experiences, etc, but I don't think she had any idea how it came across to me. I now feel guilty about who I am, that I don't think positively enough, bothered by some things but not wanting to express them in case I don't say them right, a longing to be understood or sympathised with or even just listened to, to feel like my feelings or preferences mattered. And I don't see things with a glass-half-full view, despite any of it. I've just learned to hide things well and to know I'm not good enough and that as an adult, people won't like my real personality anyway. There's a fine line between not letting someone whine, and making them feel unheard, and I think it's one that needs treading carefully. I wouldn't want unlimited whining either! And it needs to be clear what tone of voice should be used, how things should be expressed and how often, etc,, but sometimes it is a person's way of communication, and you need to look below what they say to perhaps find out what might really be wrong. Or accept that sometimes it's just part of them. But there are times when the more that someone insists on making everything relentlessly positive, the more it gets my back up and makes me want to be more and more negative, until they finally realise what they're doing and listen and accept some of what I'm feeling! (I don't mean that I do it deliberately, just that I can see later that that's what's happened). Sometimes it's just acknowledgement and the honest feeling of being heard, that is enough to stop me being negative, because it makes me think that they've listened and my feelings mattered.

[CrotchetQuaverMinim]

But at the same time, I do know what you mean about moaning for nothing - I had a pupil who was like this, and it did get really difficult at times, because even after he'd been heard, allowed to express what he thought, given attention, etc, it was still just constant moaning. And there definitely has to come a point where they need to learn that it gets on other people's nerves! I guess the trick is just finding a way of doing that, without making them feel unlikeable.

[fruitstick]

Thanks everybody.

We've been out for a walk today and feel a lot better.

It's not negativity I mind but the tone I think.

I've started pulling DH up on his negativity and I think it is getting better. Hopefully that will make the children better too.

I'm also trying to nip squabbles in the bud quicker than them just going on and on.

I like a whinge chart. I might introduce that.

[INeedANameChange]

DH is the same.

3 out of 4 of my kids are very happy go lucky (DD is going through a stroppy tween phase) but as soon as DH walks through the door it descends into negativity.

He basically comes home from work and moans about the mess, makes them tidy up, complains they aren't tidying up fast enough, complains that the dog is demanding too much of his attention, and just generally drags the atmosphere down. It's bloody annoying.

I have commented "do you have to be so negative the second you walk through the door?" But I doubt that helps either TBH!

[RandomMess]

Not sure how old your DC are but I remind mine in a very pissed off voice that they get enough of that nastiness at school so there is no need to have it at home as well. They don't have to get along but the unpleasant tone/remarks etc. are not welcome!

[Maireadplastic]

Lots of excellent advice. Also, when the house doesn't sound terrible and you are all enjoying something at the same time, relish it inwardly and point it out.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

DH can be a bit negative without realising it and earned himself the nickname Maurice the Miserable Fish after the CBBC character.

Its hard for him to maintain a bad mood when people are singing the miserable fish song at him.

[LockedOutOfMN]

Can you record them for a minute or so then play it back? They might be shocked into more positivity?

[Sillybillybonker]

Isn't this just normal kid behaviour?!

[dansmum]

Why not involve you dh in helping you deal with the grumpy and poor behaviour of the children. Discuss it together, come up with key phrases for dealing with situations and rewards and sanctions. Sit the kids down with BOTH of you telling them what will happen. This gives you support with them, and he might even begin to regulate his own behaviour if he realises they are copying him ! If he doesnt, perhaps some furtherdiscussion might be needed...good luck. Talk to hubby seperately..get to bottom of why he feels so negative. May be he is hurting too.Different reasons..different responses.Been there, it's a long term thing.

[arrivaarriva]

I was fed up with my house sounding like a warzone recently with all the bickering so I set up a family meeting as an event on FB. Kids laughed. Kids turned up. Got snacks going, Everyone had their say and we made some agreements. We used our old convention of passing an item around and only the person holding it could talk. It really changed the mood as we all listened to what others were unhappy about and everyone was constructive. Worth a thought?