My house is so negative I want to scream and run away.

[fruitstick]

I love my family but want to scream.

The 'sound' of our house is so negative. If you took the words away and just listened to the tone everyone talks to each other in it's horrible.

A lot of this stems from DH who complains about everything. Now the DC have joined in - or they're bickering about something or teasing.

Every task is met with either refusal or sulking.

I want to tell them all to sod off!

How do I change the way people talk to each other? And is that even possible?

[Totallybonkersmum]

Tackler DH first. I'd record him, then tackle him when the kids are in bed. maybe he's copying his father's behaviour? If he refuses to listen at all, I'd ship him out and divorce him.
Than tackle the children. If they're into X boxes, TVs, toys, whatever, make in inaccessible. If the fight, don't take sides. I used to stick both of mine in a corner in hall. Telling them I didn't know who had started it, but because if that, I was putting both of them into different corners. My son actually said to me that he always felt that I was fair; that I never took sides or had 'favourite' one. That was actually a huge relief for me, because in my own upbringing, I was very much the naughty/ stupid/how could you?/verbally abuse physically abused/ostracised one. I couldn't win. Ever. I feel like I've broken the vicious circle. My daughter & BF may have fallen for it, hook, line and sinker. Not my DS though. He's seen that side of her and she frightens him.

[PoundingTheStreets]

You could try recording it and playing it back to them.

[AlwaysTimeForWine]

If my kids are whining I just say "sorry I don't speak whinese" and simply ignore them until they stop. As soon as they ask or talk in a nicer way I praise them for thinking about the way they were behaving and then I listen.
The negativity is a hard one though - my kids are quite mean to each other sometimes and they way they talk to each other is horrid. But I think it's normal and they are finding their feet in the world and with each other. I just step in if it gets too negative and and remind them of how it feels to be spoken to like that.
I also pick my battles. I can't be doing with a million rules and nit-picking over everything. I don't have the energy!!

[FrizzyMcFrizzface]

Forgot to say...DH in his 50s too!!

[FrizzyMcFrizzface]

It's really difficult. My DH can be so negative and he is a real drama queen about everything little thing that goes wrong (you know, normal family life stuff like milk spilt, DS1 hits DS2, DS2 rips his favourite book etc. and then I get "this whole day's ruined"). I really think DS1 is getting like this and I know it's learnt behaviour. Have tried talking to DH about it but he can't take criticism and can't see it, just goes off and sulks. I love him and he is so wonderful is so many ways but this part of him really pisses me off!

I feel for you, OP, especially when they can't/won't recognise it or don't think it's important.

[Doingmybestmum]

I think a lot of us find this familiar, so many thanks OP for posting. My DH is hitting peak midlife miseryguts just as the kids are at peak exam stress. Joy. Sometimes I find myself on the doorstep returning from work thinking, "do I have to go in?"I find giving him "the night off" - to go to football/a gig or simply do nothing while I do the tidying up/cooking/get the kids to help with the dishwasher makes him feel indebted and perks him up - men in their 50s are SO much worse than most teens I think. Otherwise go out. Simply find a class/go see a friend/ideally stay away for a night, sit in a cafe for a bit, get a dog? Without you there as referee/audience they will have to explain their behaviour. Hopefully..

[Maireadplastic]

Are your children boys?! I have three (12,9,5) and if we don't get out and about for at least some of the day, it all goes to pot. Cabin fever makes them all tetchy and then my husband and I moan to eachother that we can never get a cosy day in like other families. The fact is, we have to suck it up, get out and active....they'll be gone too soon.

[miffy29]

She said it was working. She was also much funnier about it than I've managed to be.

[miffy29]

Seem to remember Helena Bonham Carter talking about praising her thirteen year old for 'do you realise you haven't moaned in half an hour? That's great'. Positive parenting etc.

[dogsdieinhotcars]

This is an interesting thread. I am guilty of sounding negative with my oldest son and have to stand back from myself. He needs his butt kicking a bit in the study area and won't take any help! Also grumpy teen phase, which I'm trying to ignore. I had two brothers and a sister and remember dad moaning at brothers to be happy, like me n sister. It wasn't nice to hear, so I can relate to him being like that. But I do have to check myself sometimes. And my DH. He says he's positive looking, but I hear his tone sometimes and see he's not always. We have to just look at ourselves. And ride the wave with teen years!

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Agree with MoneyPit. We had a difficult family dynamic. Oppressive and I was permanently on edge waiting for the verbal assault from mother or brother as well as physical assault from my brother. I withdrew to protect myself and to a large extent became the invisible child. Any unhealthy dynamic will have a massive impact into aduthood, which may never be resolved. I controlled my feelings with food and ate very little. In later life, that reversed, sugar became my friend. Brother drinks heavily with unhealthy eating patterns (as in happy to drink instead of eat). I am low contact with my whole family.

[Sickofthetantrums]

This is our house! DH is a grumpy sod, has a go at the kids for the slightest thing and then gets so upset when they have a go back, or come to me for something when he is right there. He used to speak to his parents in the same way, and I remember remarking upon it when we first got together. I called him on his tone last week and he just looked blankly back (my tone probably wasn't the best to be fair!). All this negativity.

I shall try some of the tips here and try not to daydream too much about just walking out on the lot of them...

[chitofftheshovel]

stop you've hit the nail on the, erm, head!

[StopWhateverUDoing]

Silly sausage?

[Debandherkids]

Try some subtle things to at least give you a lift, like a little music now and then in the morning or afternoon, encourage afew guests ismall numbers for quick visits now and then. Maybe it will give small reprieves.

[MoneyPit2016]

You're not being unreasonable - This is exactly what my home was like as a teenager. It really damaged my brothers and I - one started drinking at 13, one ran off to the army and I left home the week I turned 18.
I know we're an extreme example, but trust your gut.

[manicmij]

Is your husband the same with folk at work? Do they not complain about him moaning. If you have any contact with his workmates perhaps ask about his attitude at work. If he has just developed this attitude recently he may well be depressed. Obviously the kids are picking up from him. Definitely needs addressing, either speaking to him directly or just making a comment in front of kids on how grumpy dad is these days, do they know why?

[WildRoses]

Fruitstick I'm with you 100%. Our house is exactly the same. Dc and dh are so nasty to each other. Apparently it's all in joke but it's horrible. The names they call each other are just hurtful and rude.
Eventually it drags you down and it's so hard to stay positive in a house full of negativity.

[Gatehouse77]

One of my tactics was send the children put of the room and ask them to come back in and try again with what they were saying. Initially, when they were small I would model the 'right' way to say it and ask them to repeat it.

As others have said, it's boring and repetitive but does reap results quite quickly.

If DH was being mardy, I'd re-say it so it didn't come across as negatively. Again, modelling the preferred way. He improved but stil needs the odd nudge!

[Ptarmigandancinginthegloaming]

I agree about the need to talk to DH, and it may also be worth thinking about whether he grew up in a moany house, so it seems 'normal' to him? That's not to say he can't fix it, but he may need help thinking of how to flip things to a more constructive view. I realised when I was about 20 that my DM had many great qualities, but always took a slightly negative view, and that i didn't have to be like that.

I remember the first time I tried it, someone had their chair out so we couldn't pass in a cafe, my DM said 'oh no, we can't go thru here', in a sad, weary voice, and I politely asked the man on the chair if he could move it in. He smiled, apologised, and moved his chair, and my mum looked utterly confused, as if I'd disobeyed some fundamental rule!
So, if he's got this far without realising he tends to be negative, he may need some help to know what else to do :-)

[arrivaarriva]

I was fed up with my house sounding like a warzone recently with all the bickering so I set up a family meeting as an event on FB. Kids laughed. Kids turned up. Got snacks going, Everyone had their say and we made some agreements. We used our old convention of passing an item around and only the person holding it could talk. It really changed the mood as we all listened to what others were unhappy about and everyone was constructive. Worth a thought?

[dansmum]

Why not involve you dh in helping you deal with the grumpy and poor behaviour of the children. Discuss it together, come up with key phrases for dealing with situations and rewards and sanctions. Sit the kids down with BOTH of you telling them what will happen. This gives you support with them, and he might even begin to regulate his own behaviour if he realises they are copying him ! If he doesnt, perhaps some furtherdiscussion might be needed...good luck. Talk to hubby seperately..get to bottom of why he feels so negative. May be he is hurting too.Different reasons..different responses.Been there, it's a long term thing.

[Sillybillybonker]

Isn't this just normal kid behaviour?!

[LockedOutOfMN]

Can you record them for a minute or so then play it back? They might be shocked into more positivity?

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

DH can be a bit negative without realising it and earned himself the nickname Maurice the Miserable Fish after the CBBC character.

Its hard for him to maintain a bad mood when people are singing the miserable fish song at him.