To be pissed off with husband

[Apachepony]

On maternity leave with one baby, & have older child. Bf baby so I do all nights, I cosleep so not absolutely debilitating but still pretty tiring.
Dh didn't get home until midnight last night, so when baby woke for the day at 7.30 I left him sleep. At 9 baby went down for nap, other child still sleeping so I asked him to keep an ear out while I popped to shop. He complained bitterly, saying he didn't go to sleep til 3.30, but I went anyway. When I came back 25 mins later, baby had just woke up & was crying, & other child got up too. I asked her m to get up, he started complaining, I said I hoped he wasn't going for a run if he was taking a long lie in, he said he would do whatever the future the fuck he wanted. He got up 20 mins later and went out for a run, and is still not back almost an hour later. AIBU to be pissed off?

[Apachepony]

If he is an alcoholic there isn't a lot I could do until he realises it! Certainly he has a drink problem, although he is trying to cut down, he sometimes manages a couple of nights a week without drink. I think I had a drink problem too before babies.

[Apachepony]

I'm home by the way! He says the baby had a half hour nap but that's all we've said to each other.

[CalleighDoodle]

My husband hasnt been perfect. Dont get me wrong. BUT i breastfed both my children (for two years each) and the routine at night was I fed them, then i woke him and i went back to sleep as he winded and settled them. Breastfeding was team work. He also did all nappies when he was at home. And did and still does all bath times when he is home.

If youre going to keep this husband, the first thing you need to do is change the feeding routine to EASY. Feed as soon as he wakes. Stop feeding to sleep.

[Apachepony]

I know, I need to stop feeding to sleep! Our life has been a little chaotic over the past few months - moving house a few times - but I need to start getting a routine in place. Baby asleep on my boob as we speak, I'm upstairs, dh downstairs...

[CalleighDoodle]

Unhook and put baby down!

[Takfish89]

Calm down on the feeding to sleep. The baby is only 4 months. Agree it would be better not to feed to sleep but not the worst thing in the world either. Just try to use the buggy a bit more as time goes on. Right now it sounds like you have an awful lot going on

[Takfish89]

Sorry it send too quickly. Should have said you don't need another thing to feel guilty about

[highlandspringerdog]

He sounds like a total waste of space. God. So many men are just awful. It's ducking depressing. We must make better men of our sons!

[Mombino]

I agree with takfish, my DD would only fall asleep if I rocked her for the first 5ish months but she just sort of grew out of it and now she settles fine in the pram or the cot. Don't stress yourself out over it, it'll be fine.

[Bluntness100]

Bluntness how long would you have let him sleep?

[Mix56]

Did he actually want a family?
You need to tell him he has to get involved. So he is tired in the morning ? what the FUCK does he think you are? not having slept a single night in 4 months?
Selfish fucking Tosser. How dare he just get uo & go for a fucking run.
Either he starts participating now, or you whole life is on the breach of separation.
(Sorry. just a tad pissed off for you)

[FrayedHem]

sorry wrong thread have asked MN to delete

[stella23]

So is he now sulking? Waiting for you to make the first move and apologise?

[pointythings]

I would not change your baby's routine just to 'keep' this man. He is the one who needs to man up and change, not your baby. Feeding to sleep is fine for such a young baby.

[Velvetdarkness]

It's fine to feed to sleep but use other methods too. Your h can use a sling, rocking or buggy. My oh always has and he does all bedtimes because feeding doesn't make my toddler go to sleep any more.
Of course, my husband sees it as just as much his job and isn't abusive.

[userformallyknownasuser1475360]

Re the alcoholic thing- if he has a problem is that not something which should be fixed in order to make life better for all of you?

If you keep letting him away with this then You may be in a codependent or enabling relationship.

Break the issue that you had today down -

DP comes in late last night because he was working fine - could he have in winded, went to bed an hour or so later and not have been too tired to look after DC - with 8/9 hrs sleep I would hope so.

Now factor in Alcohol - could he have had one beer/drink and done all of the above- probably

Could he have sat up until 3:30am say playing PlayStation watching TV etc and still got up, although not ideal is say so. Would he have sat up until 3:30 if he wasn't drinking - probably not.

Was his sleep disturbed because he was drinking until 3:30 - bloody right it was.

Again factor in alcohol and it gets harder and harder to justify, I would say that his stroppy mood was also to do with the hangover.

Yeah there is nothing he will do until he realises he is an alcoholic, but there is plenty you can do!!!

Op I'm only saying this as I've been in the position of DH - it's no life for him and it's no life for you. I wish someone had said it to my DW when I was being a shit.

[Apachepony]

Alcohol is a problem, it was perceptive the pp who realised that. I wouldn't call him abusive, as I said this is a morning problem mostly - he puts other child to bed almost always, cleans, or cooks and cleans when he comes home at night. I would love him to cut down his drinking, he has tried a bit recently but not to what I would say are normal levels!

[userformallyknownasuser1475360]

apache at the time I am writing this what is DH doing?

I was pp who noted that drink was likely to be a factor in this.

Trying to cut down drinking will not work, it will creep back up to current levels or get worse - "tried" is the key word here.

He may not seem abusive but at the same he has pushed you when you were holding the baby. He has been abusivdvthus norm when you asked him to look after dc. Do you see what I'm getting at.

He might be a good man,may love his kids but I would say drink may be his main focus at the minute.

Put it this way, next night he is working late, as a test leave a beer etc in the fridge for when he comes home. Leave the rest, not hidden but somewhere where he will find them/see them. Have no other beer in the house other than what you have left.

Tell him he needs to take you and dc to a go appt etc in the morning and that he shouldn't have more than one beer.

Check in the morn and see how many beer are gone, more than two missing is say there is a definite problem.

[userformallyknownasuser1475360]

Or get him to answer these questions, bit like a woman's magazine, yes or no answers .......don't post the score here but let me know when he (or you have answered them)

1. Do you lose time from work due to your drinking?
   

1. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
   

1. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
   

1. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
   

1. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
   

1. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?
   

1. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
   

1. Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
   

1. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
   

10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?

11. Do you want a drink the next morning?

12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?

13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?

14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?

15. Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?

16. Do you drink alone?

17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?

18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?

19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?

20. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?