To be pissed off with husband

[Apachepony]

On maternity leave with one baby, & have older child. Bf baby so I do all nights, I cosleep so not absolutely debilitating but still pretty tiring.
Dh didn't get home until midnight last night, so when baby woke for the day at 7.30 I left him sleep. At 9 baby went down for nap, other child still sleeping so I asked him to keep an ear out while I popped to shop. He complained bitterly, saying he didn't go to sleep til 3.30, but I went anyway. When I came back 25 mins later, baby had just woke up & was crying, & other child got up too. I asked her m to get up, he started complaining, I said I hoped he wasn't going for a run if he was taking a long lie in, he said he would do whatever the future the fuck he wanted. He got up 20 mins later and went out for a run, and is still not back almost an hour later. AIBU to be pissed off?

[Morporkia]

apache he pushed you when you were holding the baby? just because you woke him up? bags packed, locks changed and divorce proceedings started...

[thatdearoctopus]

Well, that was a result for him, wasn't it? I bet you haven't dared try to wake him since.

[Mummyme1987]

I would have pushed him, out of the door and not looked back.

[Mummyme1987]

Don't go back, not for at least a few hours til feed time.

[Mummyme1987]

He needs to do half the work when he's not at work. If he doesn't then show him the door. It shouts disrespect.

[Apachepony]

I do wake him in the morning but actually this is all making me nervous about what's going to happen this time when I go back to work.He's actually not bad any other time, would do more housework (well up to now, I have been project managing something for the good of the family, as well as managing a clingy premature baby and boisterous attention seeking preschooler, but project ending and baby becoming more put downable)

[Apachepony]

Sorry message ended there! I meant he does do housework when he's home.

[Apachepony]

The bf does make things more unequal at the start doesn't it? I think it's it's biggest drawback, otherwise I love it.

[ZigAZigAhh]

He pushed you when you were holding your baby..?!? I'm sorry but that is horrific. Completely unforgivable in my books and would definitely signal the end of the relationship for me. Look after yourself

[ZigAZigAhh]

All the other things you have mentioned make him sound incredibly selfish - even without the pushing incident I would be seriously thinking about where the relationship is heading.

[SpunkyMummy]

YANBU.



Make a list where you detail how much he works, how much freetime he has and how much he could sleep.

Then make the same list for you and ask him if this looks reasonable.

[Apachepony]

Re the pushing - yes, it was awful at the time. We were both shocked. That was a v rocky period, it hasn't been like that since but as I said I'm a bit nervous of what will happen when I go back to work with the inevitable demands that will bring.

[expatinscotland]

'Re the pushing - yes, it was awful at the time. We were both shocked. That was a v rocky period, it hasn't been like that since but as I said I'm a bit nervous of what will happen when I go back to work with the inevitable demands that will bring.'

I would be, too, if I were married to such a twat. He pushed you whilst you were holding a baby, he speaks to you like shit, he does whatever the fuck he wants. He's a sperm donor, not a husband. I'd be looking at my options for living without him. At least then you won't be tiptoeing round this selfish cunt in the mornings.

[userformallyknownasuser1475360]

Apache, this sounds a bit like I was when I was on shift work - I'm definitely not saying that I was right and have massive regrets about having done it - I think that it may have been contributory to the fact that I didn't bond well with DS.

The sitting up until 3:30 would be the thing that I would look at a long with the mood swings - is there a causal factor for this (drink?)

The fact that there is Domestic Violence is also of great concern. I think if DH does not take a long hard look at himself you are going to have to force him to

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I can understand him needing time to unwind after work & therefore not going straight up to bed at midnight when he got home. I'm not quite sure why he needed to stay up until 3.30am though - but that was his choice.

That said, whatever time he chooses to go to bed doesn't make a jot of difference to his childcare responsibilities. I could easily choose to stay up until 3.30am tonight if I wanted to - but would still have to get up with DD at 7am tomorrow!

Of this latest incident, the "I'll do whatever the fuck I want" comment would have angered me the most. If that's how he feels he should never have had children in the first place! Does he also refer to looking after his own DCs as "babysitting"?

It sounds as though he seriously needs to grow up. I'm not a morning person, but that doesn't mean I don't have to get up. I'm also sure he'd find mornings a bit easier if he went to bed a bit earlier (when not working quite that late).

[Apachepony]

Causal factor- yes, alcohol is involved. Re pushing incident, yes, dh was drinking a lot at that time, he does anyway, but in retrospect was dealing with a traumatic event.

[oldlaundbooth]

It's bad that he pushed you, but he pushed you whilst you were holding the baby?

As a PP said, I'd be out of the door.

[oldlaundbooth]

Dealing with a traumatic event?

You have an older child and preemie, did you ever push him whilst he was holding baby?

Thought not.

[EnoughAlready43]

Living with an alcoholic is a very very rough trot.
Poor you.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Apache, I'm pretty sure, that pear and almond scone, has got your name on it ! Sit a little longer, have another coffee, he has to learn, that you are not a machine. Baby will be fine ! 💐

[FrayedHem]

Don't be fooled by BF making this hard. Say the baby would take the bottle, it doesn't sound like he would be leaping out of bed to feed the baby. And would you be able to go out and leave him to make up bottles, wash and sterilise them or would that be expected to have all be done for him? And really infant feeding is a time where the other parent does more to help in the household, not less. And that includes not being verbally aggressive when being woken after 5 and half hours sleep, when you could have had a couple of hours more if you had wanted to priortise it. Then running out of the house when challenged without taking your key with you.

[expatinscotland]

'Causal factor- yes, alcohol is involved. Re pushing incident, yes, dh was drinking a lot at that time, he does anyway, but in retrospect was dealing with a traumatic event.'

You are minimising and making excuses for this man, tiptoeing round him, anxious that he won't act like an adult when you return to work (he's not now) and that is classic for someone who is in an EA relationship, which you are. Your husband is a grade A twat.

[userformallyknownasuser1475360]

apache the reason I was able to spot this is that I am an alcoholic, all be it in recovery.

I would say that the root cause of the issues are alcohol, just because he doesn't need a drink first thing in the morning does not mean that he is not an alcoholic.

Sitting up until 3:30 drinking to me would be a sign of alcoholism (I used to do it too), especially when you have family responsibilities the next day, plus the fact that he is moody etc because of it.

I would look at you going to some local al anon groups to learn about alcoholism, I've posted it on here before (mumsnet) I'm willing to speak over phone or on here where it would help another alcoholic to stop drinking.

[Mombino]

He is a twat. Perhaps not always but overall. Please start getting an 'escape plan' of sorts together - money you can access, somewhere to go, method of transport etc in case he has another violent episode and you feel you need to leave with the kids temporarily or permanently. Do you have family or friends close by?

And I order you to have a scone and at least one more cuppa before you go home!

[Takfish89]

I'm sorry there is no excuse for his behaviour and your baby will be fine in the buggy with a few tears. Presumably that's what happens if you can't feed the baby to sleep. You are both knackered but that does not excuse his behaviour. Why did he stay up until 330 when he knows he has caring responsibilities? Then going for a run was a very twatish move. And if I understand the last post he actually physically pushed you. That is completely unacceptable.