To restrict my teenager's internet use at night?

[Blossom777]

My 15 year old DS is constantly on his computer and/or ipad, from the time he gets home from school until going to bed. He does stop every now and then to do homework/revision etc so I'm not worried about that aspect. At the moment I have parental controls set to turn the internet off at 11pm weeknights and 12 Fri/sat nights. He's not happy with this as until recently had no restriction on time, as I naively thought he was going to sleep when the lights were out. Yesterday we had a big argument with him wanting a 1am curfew weeknights and unrestricted at other times. The compromise I made was midnight and 2am but neither of us are happy with this and he wants to continue negotiating today, saying none of his friends have any time limit.

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

He has an iPhone btw but that lives downstairs at nighttime.

I wouldn't turn it off. I'd change the password and say he can have it on a daily basis. Keep devices in the main living area.

I should follow my own advice really

[RockinHippy]

YADNBU!!!

& he should think himself lucky you let him have 11pm, thats late IMHO - its 10pm here

[britnay]

Tell him that, each time he argues about the time limit, you will bring the curfew forward by 15 minutes. Then follow through with it.

[ThoraGruntwhistle]

He'd hate me. I take away all devices at 10.30 and there's a parental control curfew on the computer that signs it out then too. I'm probably evil or something.

[Megainstant]

Our WiFi goes off at 10.30.

For all of us.

[Hulababy]

Dd is 14, 15 in April.

On school nights - no internet/social media/phone from 9pm. Only device allowed to use in her room after that is her kindle (a basic reading one.) She's expect to be in bed and lights out before 10 but often before that through choice.

Weekends we are more flexible. However we still expect her to be off social media at a reasonable time and not to be used once she's actually gone to bed. Exceptions when she had a sleepover or we are out and about late.

[Pythonesque]

My 14 yr old is at a boarding school. Until 6th form they do not have devices in their rooms at night at all - all have to be registered and handed in (and I get the impression the school are pretty savvy about identifying ALL gadgets). I guess that is after 10 or 11 pm for 15-16 year olds. In the 6th form they are expected to start developing their own responsibility around computer usage, but the school network itself is turned off at I think 11 pm.

So get some advice from elsewhere as well if you can, and then tell your son that because he's made it an issue, you've realised that your former controls were wrong - because they were too lax. Then put him on greater restrictions with a clear plan for the next few years. Maybe see if his school will do a parents' session to talk about such things then you can counteract the "none of my friends ...", and help educate other parents too.

Good luck!

[nocampinghere]

my dd's screen/computer/internet curfew is 8pm ! age 14.

2am and midnight? !

[Blossom777]

Thanks for all your suggestions - tbh I was expecting to be totally flamed, but you've given me the resolve to go back to my original times, with plenty of extra arguments. WindIn - he doesn't have a smartphone so that's not an issue. Comon - I had no idea about the fire risk - that's worrying, assume an ipad would be the same... I'll google it.

[GrinchyMcGrincherson]

2am is insanely late to me.

Ours are much younger (oldest is 12) but all kids devices (tablets, laptops and DDs phone) all get cut off from wifi between 8pm and 9am weekdays so they can't faff until stupid o'clock or in the morning when they are supposed to be getting dressed for school. At weekends its 9pm until 8am. It will stay at these times for the foreseeable future tbh. If eldest wants to go to sleep later than 8pm she's welcome to read a book until 9 ish.

We used to have a restrict yourself system but they abused it so now we restrict them. Eldest DD has a phone but it's not in her room overnight.

[GrinchyMcGrincherson]

If you are struggling to be bad cop do you have someone else who can step in and back you up? Someone your DS respects? An uncle/aunt/grandparent? You need to find a way to be the parent you want to me and to be dad as well as mum. It won't be easy but it's what you both need.

I think you also need to try and seperate your grief and guilt and not let it stop you doing what you know is the right thing. He will be angry, he is a teen who lost his dad. If he doesn't have support with that it may be worth looking into getting some. There are charities like childbereavementUK that can help.

[shallichangemyname]

The trouble you've got now is that you need to "wean" him off the over-usage, and that's easier said than done (however buoyed up you are by knowing what the rest of us are imposing!!!).
We are very strict at home - more strict than I'd like to be but my DP has to have a say (step children). Our rules are that NO devices get used between getting home from school until 8.30pm (after the younger DCs are in bed) - unless there is homework involved which generally gets done on my laptop if being online is necessary. They are then allowed their devices back until bed time. No devices allowed in the bedrooms at all. At weekends they can check their phones periodically but similar rules apply, their main usage is between 8.30-10.30pm.
Personally, I'd let them keep them for a bit longer and have them back a bit earlier, but I'd still have set times when the phones/ipads go down and are not picked up. But DP insists on the above.
The reason we do not allow devices in bedrooms is because I once did a spot check on my oldest DD's phone (she's now 16 but then she had just turned 15) to discover that she was being encouraged to send, and was sending, what appeared to be pornographic (at best suggestive) photographs of herself to boys on snapchat (photos not retained but some of the chats were saved which gave some indication of what was going on...). These were boys she knew of and may have met briefly, but they were certainly not well known to her. The only photo I saw was one a boy had sent to her, showing himself in all his erect glory. One of her messages was boasting about how when she was photographing herself, her little brother was banging on her bedroom door....... So now we ban devices in the bedrooms. Actually the NSPCC recommends no devices in bedrooms as well.
I think we are a bit extreme, but these are decisions DP has to be involved in because his kids are there as well (although when his 16 yo DS stays overnight, which is very rare, none of the rules apply to him which is a completely different story). I think after a period of no devices in bedrooms I might have allowed them back (with an internet cut off time) because I think you have to show some trust and hope lessons have been learned.....
The point is, in comparison to my DCs and probably lots of others, your DS is very very lucky. But that's not going to make a blind bit of difference to how he feels.

You have to be strong and introduce limits and wean him off his over-reliance on the ipad. It's just not good, but you know that. I don't know how you manage that alongside the grief/anger issues, that's a difficult one. Someone mentioned a mediator, is there a relative or friend who might be able to help?

[YouCanDoThis]

You can set different access times for devices through the router. I set a curfew between 10pm-7am. I would extend this for 30-60 minutes if dc was ready for bed, had done any tasks necessary and asks with good attitude. I found that it was easier to set a time and extra could be given, rather than taken away. Like any new routine, you will encounter resistance at first but if you are consistent it becomes the new norm. Good luck!

[JunosRevenge]

Midnight and 2am are far too late, OP.

This is also a continual battle chez Juno. But it's one that mini Juno (6ft2, 15yrs) is not going to win. I've turned the internet off and disconnected the box before now. He now understands that he either complies with the rules, or the internet goes off completely.

Our cutoff time is 10pm. All multimedia devices are in my room overnight.

You're not being Bad Cop, you are being Good Mum.

[clerquin]

13 yr old DS has lights out by 9.30 pm on a school night since he needs to get up at 6.30 am for school. at a midnight curfew! How does your DS get up in the morning for school?

[Liiinoo]

My single biggest regret as the parent of grown up DCs is that I didn't do this. It should have gone off at 9pm on weekdays, maybe 11 on Weekends. Go for it.

[weveallkissedafrogor2]

we have all tech off at 9pm week nights and 10pm wknds. no technology in bedrooms after that and the rules apply when friends are sleeping as well.
Might sound harsh but the pettiness of girls after hours online seems to increase so damage limitation is applied!!
DD is 11 and yes her friends did pull faces when I took tablets and phones off them to start with....now they have adopted the 'tech spot' on the windowsill and they voluntarily put the things there when they go up..... then they TALK TO EACH OTHER unill the weeeeee hours!

[WLF46]

As others have said, the compromise times are still too lenient. He shouldn't be up at midnight let alone on the internet. Restrict him to 10pm on weeknights and maybe 11pm at the weekend, and make the curfew ten minutes earlier every time he complains.

[GreenMouse]

We have a 10pm internet curfew on school nights (a bit later at weekends and during holidays) for my 15 year old

[40somethingwonderful]

Ds 16 no internet after 9.

[QueenofTinyThings]

Following this with interest as this is by far the biggest battle in our house. Ds 15 has no devices in his room apart from phone but it's still an issue with 4g. We used to switch off the wifi at 10.30 but that doesn't stop him now. Getting the phone out of the room at bedtime just proved a nightmare and after hours of battling every night I gave up.
Bedtime is 10 (he usually makes it by 11) and this is later than I would like.

[GreenPetal94]

9pm 7 days a week, in that they go up to bedrooms then and are not allowed any electronic devices (apart from kindles). That is for 15 and 13 year old boys. They don't really complain as it's what they are used to. However neither of my kids are that into facebook or social media, mainly gaming and youtube.

At weekends they might go to bed at ten but only really if we are watching TV / film as a family or we are out. They shared a room til v recently and youngest has always needed loads of sleep so always insisted on bedtime.

[bumpetybumpbumpbump]

My oldest ds is 15 and the curfew is 10pm. They need sleep !

[BrollySmolly]

I have a 13 year old and I remove phone and laptop from her room at night. Apparently her friends don't have to do this - but I don't care!

[rara67]

On a practical front, please can you advise on Wifi timers. I tried to set up timings on the Sky router but ended up having to use the Ethernet cable for my laptop! Can you just use the timer you put on lamps when you go on holiday?