to ask grandparents to pick DS up a few times a month when they care for him.

[Bambi1980]

Hi, I have one DS who is 2 years 2 months. Me and my partner both work FT. I work shifts so get 2 weekends off in a four week period. I do get some days off during the week. When I first found out I was pregnant my partner's parents offered to look after DS when I returned to work. My Mum passed away when I was a child and my Dad is elderly. I have no one else to turn to for support family wise and my few friends work/have their own lives. We accepted their offer and fortunately I didn't return to work until DS was 14 months. As it happens my in-laws now have DS for 5 full days (7.30-4ish) and 3 half-days (12-5ish) a month. This was their decision and they have never complained. I started DS in nursery for one half day a week in August. My MIL wasn't too impressed with this, worrying it wouldn't be good for DS and 'what would he eat'. It really wound me up at the time because I did it so he is around other kids and socialising/doing stuff as bless them, the in-laws never take him anywhere and he spends a good proportion of the day watching tv or youtube on granddad's phone (another bone of contention!)
I'm just getting so stressed with their conflicting ideas on childcare. Still at his age DS won't fully feed himself, MIL insists on spoon feeding him his meals like he's still about 6 months old! When I've said anything she says 'he's only a baby.' She doesn't seem to get it at all that I want DS to start being more independent with feeding and in general like playing alone, trying to dress himself etc. They follow him around all day answering to every beck and call. I'm dreading potty training! I've noticed that compared to his peers he is very reluctant to try new things or to join in with play. Eating is a nightmare as every meal he refuses my MIL presents a cheese sandwich which he gobbles down. I don't tend to talk face to face about things with her so it's either a text to MIL asking her do/not do things (in a nice way) or through my partner who never wants to say anything to them. I just feel awful saying anything to them as they've done us a favour and saved us money on childcare. We feel beholden to them. I kinda wish I would have put him in childcare sooner!
Anyway, I've started to really struggle when I work my week of afternoons as I don't finish until midnight, get home then have to wind down it's then the early hours. I'm then up early with DS next day. It's then such a rush to get him ready, get myself ready, prepare my meals for lunch and tea, sort his lunch out as well as chores, constant attention he demands. I end up rushing about like a mad woman and have to drop him off at in-laws in time to get to work. I then get a comment like 'You're late' from her, with no thought of the amount of stuff I have to do before I even leave the house. She isn't very understanding, although lovely I just want them to offer to start picking DS up to save me all this hassle and stress. I have a stressful job in the emergency services as it is, I'm getting to work to start a 10 or 11 hour shift absolutely exhausted and worked up. It would be great if they would just offer to pick him up, it would only be 3 times a month. I've offered to buy them a car seat. I've asked my partner to ask them but he hasn't yet. In-laws have a car that never moves from outside their house. My MIL is 70, she's mobile but has a bad hip which she gets some pain from. My FIL is 68 and is mobile but never moves from his chair. He has had some health problems in recent years. Both can drive but tend to just use public transport, they live about 4 miles from our house but never visit. They just always expect us to come to them.
Any advice, and before anyone says. I am extremely grateful for all their help and they know it. Just get so frustrated ......

Have you asked the in-laws how they're finding looking after him/checked that it's not too much for them? If they're happy then 8 days/part days a month isn't much in the greater scheme of things and I'd let it go and try and be happy he's building a relationship with his grandparents. There is no rush for him to be independent... 2.2 is a baby really, he has a whole 2 years before he starts school. Honestly he won't want to be spoon fed for ever. My nearly 3 year old loves his granny 'babying' him and although it is a bit annoying I just roll my eyes and let them get on with it.
I wouldn't push the driving - it sounds like they're not very confident drivers any more and it would be unfair to put that pressure on them. Your DS will be eligible for free nursery hours next year, so things will change then.

My partner works full time too. He works Monday-Thursday each so he has DS when I work all weekend. We only have 5 full days a month off as a family. He does a lot my OH, as I work unsocial shifts. He drops off on the morning run when we're both working and also picks up on the afternoons as well as all the bathtime, bed routine when I'm at work.
I totally agree that they are elderly and probably are tired. MIL does all the caring as FIL never really leaves his Chair.
I am going to look into childcare on the days I'm on afternoons. I think it'll be less stressful for everyone and helpful for DS mixing with other kids.

Good idea re the EYFS but whenever I mention the milestones to MIL she rolls her eyes and says they're all different. She is so old fashioned she doesn't believe in comparing children and hitting goals etc! It's harder when it's not ur own parents I feel like I can't say what I want. She's not very approachable

Bambi Children will hit the milestones at different times....and whilst I appreciate your DD is still very young, you will find that comparing children isn't helpful. I can't say I believe in comparing them either for developmental purposes.

I think your mil has probably seen trends in childcare come and go, and has realised that kids survive and thrive, regardless of whether they toddler or talk bang on the second they are supposed to.

Even if she doesnt believe in milestones etc it doesn't sound good for your son to be sat for hours looking at a screen at 2...are you/dh taking him to groups/activities when he's with you ...in which case it might not be so bad but otherwise it doesn't seem fair on him never mind them...

I cant really see what the problem is. I can see you are feeling stressed with the situation, but he is there for a few days a month, so nothing your ILs are doing are holding back his development.

You ask if it would be ok to ask them to pick up 3 afternoons a month, well you can ask but given they don't really drive they probably would rather not. You say it's hard getting ready on these days, that you have to get yours and DS lunch ready, and that he is demanding. Two year olds are demanding, but I notice you criticise your MIL for pandering to his every need! Why do you need to get his lunch ready, does he not eat at ILs? Could you buy something ready made for lunch and dinner those days?

You are concerned for his development. You say he won't feed himself because MIL spoon feeds him, but that she also gives him sandwiches, presumably he is eating these himself. You are worried he can't dress himself. He is only two, he's not going to be independent for a long time.

Do they really not play with him? Does he have plenty of toys and activities he can do when he's there. You are concerned he's not playing independently, I don't think this is from anything they are doing, either he want's to or he doesn't. I wouldn't like him watching loads of TV or phone either. Perhaps take around a load of story books for GF to sit and read to him if GF is not mobile.

I often think that stay and play toddler groups are more for the parents to get out of the house than the children. Not socialising on these days is not a problem, you still have him of all the other days a months for him to socialise.

I can't help but think you are stressed out with DS and or work at the moment, two year olds can be hard work, and you are taking it out on them. No it's not perfect, but then no childcare set up is perfect.

Have you thought about pre school, from when he is three. You'll get your 15 free hours then. You could use these for childcare or to give you a some time off to catch up on things at home