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AIBU?

CHildrens contact with their dad.

37 replies

One2another · 27/10/2016 11:52

Children's father is unable to take the 2dc on Saturday due to work commitments.
I am working as it is my childfree Saturday and have to earn a living so I have committed to an extra shift.
I have messaged exh back to say he will need to arrange childcare but his reply was along the lines of - 'tough poo it's not my problem'
The childrens contact with their dad is agreed through court.
What should I do now? I cannot get out of my shift now and I suspect exh is going away for a night with his new p.....Who incidentally is blissfully unaware of how violent this man can be, hence I have a restraining order.

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Aussiemum78 · 27/10/2016 12:47

Welcome his unreliability. Start becoming independent of him because he may drop out altogether.

Short term it will be difficult but your children won't witness further violence or be targets themselves as they get older.

He's doing you a favour by losing interest.

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PigletWasPoohsFriend · 27/10/2016 12:48

What would happen if I stopped sending the kids on their allocated day with him? Would the police come if I broke the court order?

No but you could end up back in court.

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Toffeelatteplease · 27/10/2016 12:52

If you don't send the kids it depends on the circumstances what happens next. If he won't take you to court nothing they just don't go.

If he takes you to court and can present you as a wickard contact blocker it can get really messy if you haven't got well documented harm to the children. (says the idiot who didn't get social services advice to stop contact in writing the first time).

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Toffeelatteplease · 27/10/2016 12:54

ummmm actually the police can come round if the ex calls it through as a welfare concern. maybe I just have a particularly vicious ex

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Toffeelatteplease · 27/10/2016 12:55

He's doing you a favour by losing interest

This big style

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One2another · 27/10/2016 12:57

Ok I won't not send them, I've been so accommodating to him, he asks for an extra hour here and there, only because he's so unorganised they get back late form a day out that he's no time to feed them if they came back on time.
I will it agree to any further extra time/sleepovers etc. However will that not look bad if I have not agreed without giving a good reason not to allow it happen. E.g. if I say no to an extra half hour so they can have dinner can't it be seen that I'm not acting in the children's best interests?

My main concern is that when he gets his own place and moves out of his mothers his gf may move in with him and the kids could witness dv again. She looks quite rough and doesn't give me the impression that she will give two hoots about kicking off in front of my children. The kids have never met her, they've seen him with her and he knows they've seen her. He's offered no explanation of who she is other than his friend and plays the poor daddy card to them. They're 12 and 10 btw so can't pull the wool over their eyes. Thankfully.

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c3pu · 27/10/2016 12:58

ummmm actually the police can come round if the ex calls it through as a welfare concern. maybe I just have a particularly vicious ex

They will of course follow up reported concerns for the safety of the children. But if they're safe and well the police should not get involved as it's a civil matter not a criminal one.

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One2another · 27/10/2016 13:01

Ps I mean by her kicking off is actually her arguing back with him rather than being submissive like I was and lurking away to stop the kids witnessing massive fights.

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c3pu · 27/10/2016 13:02

I will it agree to any further extra time/sleepovers etc. However will that not look bad if I have not agreed without giving a good reason not to allow it happen. E.g. if I say no to an extra half hour so they can have dinner can't it be seen that I'm not acting in the children's best interests?

Nope, his time is set out in the CAO. If you don't feel like it you are under no obligation to pander to his needs. If he feels like he isn't getting enough contact then the onus is on him to take it back to court to get more time.

It's nice if you can both be flexible and accommodating, but if not thats what the CAO is for - to dictate something both parents could not agree on.

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One2another · 27/10/2016 13:02

Also my friend can see his Facebook page. I really am quite sure I'll see photos posted of a cosy weekend away this weekend.

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megletthesecond · 27/10/2016 13:05

Agree with Aussie. Hopefully this will be the start of him getting bored. Give him enough rope and he'll hang himself so you won't have to put up with his nonsense anymore.

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Toffeelatteplease · 27/10/2016 13:11

I think I'd tackle it sideways and play the long game tbh. At 10 and 12 they don't have long for their views to be taken into account.

I'd make sure they know to phone the police if they are scared and report to you or ideally school if they do see anything.
I'd insisted that ex had to give the address of any where the kids stayed as one of the conditions of the contact order. This was considered reasonable. As a result he never took the kids to stay with the wife cos then he would have had to declare the address (which could have been troublesome with the CSA) But mine were much younger and it could be argued that it's less relevant as they are older.

In your position I would just be chipping away at the contact over time, if in a year or too with his documented lack of commitment your DC with their own life wanted to scale back a bit you could save a lot of stress.