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AIBU?

CHildrens contact with their dad.

37 replies

One2another · 27/10/2016 11:52

Children's father is unable to take the 2dc on Saturday due to work commitments.
I am working as it is my childfree Saturday and have to earn a living so I have committed to an extra shift.
I have messaged exh back to say he will need to arrange childcare but his reply was along the lines of - 'tough poo it's not my problem'
The childrens contact with their dad is agreed through court.
What should I do now? I cannot get out of my shift now and I suspect exh is going away for a night with his new p.....Who incidentally is blissfully unaware of how violent this man can be, hence I have a restraining order.

OP posts:

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Toffeelatteplease · 27/10/2016 13:11

I think I'd tackle it sideways and play the long game tbh. At 10 and 12 they don't have long for their views to be taken into account.

I'd make sure they know to phone the police if they are scared and report to you or ideally school if they do see anything.
I'd insisted that ex had to give the address of any where the kids stayed as one of the conditions of the contact order. This was considered reasonable. As a result he never took the kids to stay with the wife cos then he would have had to declare the address (which could have been troublesome with the CSA) But mine were much younger and it could be argued that it's less relevant as they are older.

In your position I would just be chipping away at the contact over time, if in a year or too with his documented lack of commitment your DC with their own life wanted to scale back a bit you could save a lot of stress.

megletthesecond · 27/10/2016 13:05

Agree with Aussie. Hopefully this will be the start of him getting bored. Give him enough rope and he'll hang himself so you won't have to put up with his nonsense anymore.

One2another · 27/10/2016 13:02

Also my friend can see his Facebook page. I really am quite sure I'll see photos posted of a cosy weekend away this weekend.

OP posts:

c3pu · 27/10/2016 13:02

I will it agree to any further extra time/sleepovers etc. However will that not look bad if I have not agreed without giving a good reason not to allow it happen. E.g. if I say no to an extra half hour so they can have dinner can't it be seen that I'm not acting in the children's best interests?

Nope, his time is set out in the CAO. If you don't feel like it you are under no obligation to pander to his needs. If he feels like he isn't getting enough contact then the onus is on him to take it back to court to get more time.

It's nice if you can both be flexible and accommodating, but if not thats what the CAO is for - to dictate something both parents could not agree on.

One2another · 27/10/2016 13:01

Ps I mean by her kicking off is actually her arguing back with him rather than being submissive like I was and lurking away to stop the kids witnessing massive fights.

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c3pu · 27/10/2016 12:58

ummmm actually the police can come round if the ex calls it through as a welfare concern. maybe I just have a particularly vicious ex

They will of course follow up reported concerns for the safety of the children. But if they're safe and well the police should not get involved as it's a civil matter not a criminal one.

One2another · 27/10/2016 12:57

Ok I won't not send them, I've been so accommodating to him, he asks for an extra hour here and there, only because he's so unorganised they get back late form a day out that he's no time to feed them if they came back on time.
I will it agree to any further extra time/sleepovers etc. However will that not look bad if I have not agreed without giving a good reason not to allow it happen. E.g. if I say no to an extra half hour so they can have dinner can't it be seen that I'm not acting in the children's best interests?

My main concern is that when he gets his own place and moves out of his mothers his gf may move in with him and the kids could witness dv again. She looks quite rough and doesn't give me the impression that she will give two hoots about kicking off in front of my children. The kids have never met her, they've seen him with her and he knows they've seen her. He's offered no explanation of who she is other than his friend and plays the poor daddy card to them. They're 12 and 10 btw so can't pull the wool over their eyes. Thankfully.

OP posts:

Toffeelatteplease · 27/10/2016 12:55

He's doing you a favour by losing interest

This big style

Toffeelatteplease · 27/10/2016 12:54

ummmm actually the police can come round if the ex calls it through as a welfare concern. maybe I just have a particularly vicious ex

Toffeelatteplease · 27/10/2016 12:52

If you don't send the kids it depends on the circumstances what happens next. If he won't take you to court nothing they just don't go.

If he takes you to court and can present you as a wickard contact blocker it can get really messy if you haven't got well documented harm to the children. (says the idiot who didn't get social services advice to stop contact in writing the first time).

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 27/10/2016 12:48

What would happen if I stopped sending the kids on their allocated day with him? Would the police come if I broke the court order?

No but you could end up back in court.

Aussiemum78 · 27/10/2016 12:47

Welcome his unreliability. Start becoming independent of him because he may drop out altogether.

Short term it will be difficult but your children won't witness further violence or be targets themselves as they get older.

He's doing you a favour by losing interest.

c3pu · 27/10/2016 12:46

What would happen if I stopped sending the kids on their allocated day with him? Would the police come if I broke the court order?

No, the police will not get involved as it is a civil matter, not a criminal one. However I would advise against this as it will look extremely bad if your ex takes it to court for enforcement - which sounds likely if he sought the CAO in the first place.

Toffeelatteplease · 27/10/2016 12:46

Depends what you are trying to achieve. Yes I achieved very limited changes to a contact order but mostly where he failed to meet conditions I'd got written into it in the first place and the cost was exorbitant. my aim was always to limit the time he got to damage the kids in.

The biggest changes to the contact order came after all the court proceedings ended from ExH not bothering but it really was a licence for him to dick them/me around. If I was doing something uncancellable during "his" time I always had a back up.

He ended up spectacularly messing up. touch wood that finished off contact now for good

One2another · 27/10/2016 12:44

Solicitor has said she will apply for legal aid on advice and assistance. So basically to cover a letter and appointment.

OP posts:

One2another · 27/10/2016 12:42

What would happen if I stopped sending the kids on their allocated day with him? Would the police come if I broke the court order?

OP posts:

Manumission · 27/10/2016 12:41

Considering past DV, will legal aid cover further work, including letters? Or is that provision time- limited?

Thefishewife · 27/10/2016 12:39

Personally I would document his refusal then cut back the contact not stop of if he complains tell him to fuck off and see you in court

The explain to crapcass and the judge his refusal and explain your happy for him to have more but currently he has other priortys

c3pu · 27/10/2016 12:38

I've since heard back from sol who has said she can reopen the case and send him a letter. A letter which he won't care about as a pp has hit the nail on the head saying he thinks he's way more important than me.

Pah, the solicitor will charge you for the writing of the letter, and it will be an exercise in futility as they are totally not binding in any way shape or form.

I wish I'd never agreed to contact being out with this contact centre.

Unfortunately he would have won the day in the end if you agreed or not, as there were no concerns raised during the supervised contact.

I'll take screenshots of everything.

Wise move.

One2another · 27/10/2016 12:35

The contact was supervised for a trial period, nothing was was raising concerns all violence was directed at me.
I've since heard back from sol who has said she can reopen the case and send him a letter. A letter which he won't care about as a pp has hit the nail on the head saying he thinks he's way more important than me.
I wish I'd never agreed to contact being out with this contact centre.
I'll take screenshots of everything.

Has anybody on here ever been successful in making changes to a court order?

OP posts:

Toffeelatteplease · 27/10/2016 12:34

I wouldn't waste money on Solicitors letters, they really don't mean much.

Not a lot a court will do about it. You can use it to suggest that the current arrangements should be cut back to contact he can commit to. otherwise there really isn't any comeback for him dicking you around. Especially if he can come up with a ridiculous excuse reasonable justification.

Dellab1 · 27/10/2016 12:33

He said he's working so he can't have the kids. You've taken an extra shift so presumably he thought you wouldn't be working so it wouldn't be an issue. Most important thing would be for both of you to be as flexible as possible so that the kids get to see him another weekend.

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Aeroflotgirl · 27/10/2016 12:30

Yes I would document this, and contact your solicitor, this is breach of his contact as arranged through the court. Mabey it needs to go back to court, if this keeps happening.

boobyooby · 27/10/2016 12:30

I'm afraid C3pu is right. The onus is on the resident parent to take care of the kids if the NRP is not able to, the only way round this is to have it written in black and white on a contact order. Contact order though only states when the RP has to make the children available for the NRP to have access! It sucks but that is the joy of being nominated as Resident Parent, been there and got the tshirt (luckily I don't work Saturdays anymore so it doesn't affect me too much anymore)

c3pu · 27/10/2016 12:25

This makes me so mad that he can be unavailable and he's not breaking court order yet if she refused access she is. Happens all the time law needs to be changed.

Agreed. But having had the shoe on both feet I'd take being the RP and getting messed about, over being the NRP any day of the week.

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