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AIBU?

to think DS is in the wrong and my DH should step up more?

31 replies

FireSquirrel · 17/10/2016 17:01

DS came home from school today not wearing his jumper. Asked him where it was and he sheepishly pulled it out of the bag, the neck has been stretched so much that the stitching has gone - it's ruined. This was a brand new jumper bought at the start of September, we are on a low income as it is and even moreso this month as DH was off work sick, so having to replace it means we will struggle for the rest of the month. DS said another kid had been dragging him around by the neck, I intitally assumed bullying but it turns out it was a friend of his and they were playfighting. I am furious at him for being so thoughtless and even more furious that when I was explaining to him how much it will cost to replace he shrugged and said 'not my problem is it'. My DH seems to think I'm being too hard on DS, that the other boy was more at fault for doing the dragging, whereas I feel DS is equally to blame for allowing it to happen and for his attitude afterwards, and at 13 should be old enough and sensible enough to respect and look after his things. DS is my stepson and DH has hinted before that I want to see the bad in him and am more hard on him than I would be on my own child, whereas I think any parent would be bloody annoyed. This isn't even the first incident we've had this school year, he's also lost a PE top already and got in trouble for rugby tackling a younger kid to the floor 'as a dare', and last year had numerous detentions and tellings off for stupid things. I feel like his attitude stinks and is more than just 'boys will be boys' and am exasperated at my DHs lack of support. Am I really overreacting?

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ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 17/10/2016 17:48

Sometimes kids will react defensively or aggressively when they are uncomfortable being questioned.
Perhaps it's not his fault and he is too proud to admit he's been picked on. I can't imagine a young boy wanting to be swung round by the neck of his jumper, or enjoying it?

That aside, the main problem seems to be that as parents, you and his dad are not presenting a united front or supporting each other's decisions to discipline.
He will learn how to exploit that to get away with things.

LeftRightUpDown · 17/10/2016 17:43

It's the attitude that would piss me off more.

For that alone either he replaces it, wears it or goes cold.

VenusRising · 17/10/2016 17:43

Make it his problem.
It's his jumper, so he wears it. Maybe the school has a lost property jumper?

I think you need to relax a bit, sounds like you're very stressed. It's not worth fighting with your DH over.

Do you have any time for yourself? Can you fit in an exercise class? Or a fast walk to get your blood pounding?

Katedotness1963 · 17/10/2016 17:42

The boy who ruined it should replace it. Similar happened to my son when a new shirt had paint squirted on it by some other child messing about. I went to the school saying I expected it to be replaced, they went to the other parents and I got money for a new shirt.

Jaxhog · 17/10/2016 17:40

If he said it's not my problem - who's problem does he think it is?

If not shearing elastic, then safety pins. But he wears it until he's earned enough to replace it.

EverySongbirdSays · 17/10/2016 17:36

Unless the jumper is compulsory don't replace it til you can afford to and he'll be grateful for it come December, assuming he doesn't get pocket money, if he does, he doesn't get it for as many weeks as the equivalent cost of jumper.

user1474781546 · 17/10/2016 17:36

Can his mother buy him a new jumper?

Dontpanicpyke · 17/10/2016 17:23

My Boys were tough on their clothes but his comment that 'not my problem' is very cheeky.

Personally I wouldn't buy him a new one

Is his mum involved?

Peach9876 · 17/10/2016 17:22

He might be a typical 13 year old lad but without guidence he won't learn to take care of things especially with his dad's attitude of blaming others. I agree it was a friend and they were rough housing, these things happen, but that attitude stinks and his lack of care for his belongings suck.

I too would make him work it off, either take out of pocket money or sell something. But that is difficult if dad isn't standing up for you, don't want him slipping him money or it causing arguments.
You said he's your stepson, but it sounds like you are his mum through and through. Does he treat you and respect you like a mum? Does he have a (another) mum? If he's going to another home every weekend or something and they are belittling it all, that wouldn't help either. Which is why I ask. Same with grandparents, aunts, uncles etc anyone who has an authority needs to be on the same page (or at least not discuss it at all).

GreatFuckability · 17/10/2016 17:22

the 'not my problem' would make me see red. i agree, make it his problem.

Fairylea · 17/10/2016 17:21

If you're really struggling then he should continue to wear it, stretched or not. Could you cut it slightly along the seam and make it smaller?

2410ang · 17/10/2016 17:20

Agree with showing him that there are consequences to his behaviour and attitude.

I probably would have let him off if he had said sorry and meant it. These things do happen! But I'm afraid the attitude of it not being his problem is not acceptable.

I would tell him that but for the attitude you would not have been so hard and as a consequence he has to contribute to a new one.

Would also make clear that any future damage/loss due to carelessness will be down to him to fund/work off value in chores.

GonicaMeller · 17/10/2016 17:18

He probably didn't know what to say. If instead of shouting you'd said to him that it cost money you were worried about replacing it, he'd probably have been apologetic.

Soubriquet · 17/10/2016 17:17

The play fighting I wouldn't have an issue with

Kids play fight. Though I thought at 13 he would be over that anyway

The "not my problem" would have me livid.

It's all very well being apologetic but actually dismissing it altogether?

No chance. Make it his problem. He can do chores to pay for it or dock his money

milkyface · 17/10/2016 17:17

It's not that the jumper is stretched though is it - it's the 'it's not my problem' which is unacceptable

rumpelstiltskin43 · 17/10/2016 17:15

Try this

m.wikihow.com/Fix-a-Sweater-That-Has-Stretched

Simonneilsbeard · 17/10/2016 17:14

I have a 13 year old boy and this sounds a lot like standard 13 year old boy behaviour. I can't get my son to clean his room or get a haircut, he loses things and isn't very responsible and from speaking to other mums of boys that age its not unusual but I totally understand your frustration.
However your ss doesn't sound worse than any other teenage lad.

GonicaMeller · 17/10/2016 17:13

Not his fault if another kid was dragging him round.

LIZS · 17/10/2016 17:12

Buy some sheering elastic and thread it through the back neck from one sleeve to the other. It won't sit right but won't fall off the shoulders.

milkyface · 17/10/2016 17:11

I'd be fuming with his attitude more than anything. I'd make it his problem, and make it known that punishment was for the attitude.

I probably wouldn't have been annoyed if he'd said sorry and seemed it.

I'd tell DH to deal with it potentially if he thinks you're too hard on him. He probably wouldn't do anything though by the sound of it

ayeokthen · 17/10/2016 17:10

I agree with all PP saying he should pay for it. And your DH isn't doing anyone any favours by taking sides. As a parent you've said something, DH should support you. United front, step whatever shouldn't come into it.

NNChangeAgain · 17/10/2016 17:10

Nope, I don't think you're over reacting, but you don't need your DHs support to enforce consequences.

My DD knew that she had a one-strike rule when she went to secondary school - I'd replace the first lost or damaged item, then after that it was up to her.

I assume they have a strict uniform policy at school - so enlist their help. Call up, tell them what your DS said to you about it "not being his problem", and say that you will support whatever sanctions they enforce for him not wearing proper uniform. Make it "his problem" when they give him detention, or teach him in isolation.

2kids2dogsnosense · 17/10/2016 17:10

Agree with LIZS

If he doesn't want to wear it, let him freeze for a few weeks. He won't die.

And make sure you keep back at least half the cost of his new jumper from his pocket money.

Ausernotanumber · 17/10/2016 17:09

Then he pays for a replacement or goes cold.

GazingAtStars · 17/10/2016 17:09

I'd make him wear it until he'd saved up enough to replace it. Make it his problem

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