to be nervous about a Single Sex school

[fruitstick]

DS has opportunity to choose between two great schools.

One is large co-ed and the other is a smaller boys' school.

The boys' school has a better reputation but instinctively I think DS would prefer mixed.

I went to a single sex school and loved it so I'm very confused.

I'm not sure whether my feminist principles are getting in the way.

He says he wants the mixed school too but I'm conscious they change an awful lot between year 6 and year 13!

[myownprivateidaho]

To get back to the OP, I don't think that boys are likelier to be sexist in a single sex environment. Sadly lots of men have been through mixed schooling and still emerged as sexist twats! As long as you instil in him the right values at home I'm sure he'll be fine on that front wherever he ends up.

[Saucery]

DS's school is shit hot on respect and tackling sexism. I know his attitudes could be down to me and DH but we wanted a school that supported that and I am pretty certain we were right to choose it. They are not taught as Boys, they are taught as young people who have a place in society and need the skills to equip them for that. Girls aren't the 'other', they just happen to be educated for 6 hours a day elsewhere.

[Ericaequites]

My siblings and I attended single sex schools. More gets accomplished when the distractions boys and girls can be to each other in class are eliminated. If you are concerned, involve your son in coed after school activities. Bullying takes place in nearly all schools, and is hard to stamp out.

[MaQueen]

We specifically wanted our DDs to go to a single sex grammar. Academically, girls at single sex schools perform far better, especially in maths and the sciences.

Also, they can convey more on their studies without the frisson of hormones + boys + testosterone in the air.

Our DDs still socialise quite a bit with boys at various joint events with the boys' grammar, and lots of their friends have brothers etc. But they just socialise with them, not study with them. And I think that is very important.

[Madeyemoodysmum]

I've heard some pretty dreadful story's about the things the girls from a local extremely high achieving girls school get upto at parties so it's certainly not sheltered from them.

[dangermouseisace]

I'd go with whatever your son wants, thus meaning you no longer have to worry.

FWIW I went to a single sex school (girls). I hated it, but when I got older and found out what went on in the mixed school off my mates (sexualisation/sexual assault) I was glad that I managed to escape that until I was 16 plus. I think that most lessons, not necessarily schools, should be single sex 11-16.

[kurlique]

I would worry less about the single sex and look at other criteria like class size, options available at GCSE, and especially the holistic aspects of the schools... A well rounded education with opportunities to experience plenty of extra curricular stuff (not just for those who are already good at those particular things eg drama, music, sport) with a strong record in pastoral care along with academic challenge for the bright and tailored support for those with SLN. When I was a kid, everyone went to single sex school (grammars, sec moderns, catholic schools & independents were all single sex!!) in our area and still managed to make friends with the opposite sex!!

[fruitstick]

They are both good.

The boys' school is more competitive and traditional I think, whereas the co-ed is a little more nurturing. But it is much bigger.

Also these might just be everyone's assumptions rather than actual fact

[Dontpanicpyke]

its likejy he will get routine contact with girls another way yes guessing he will too.

I went single sex in the 80s and so did dh. Made us pretty immature and all the kids friends who went single sex were far more immature than the friends at mixed. Also less confident and more in awe of the opposite sex.

No way would I have chooses that for my kids. Boys or girls.

[chopchopchop]

crispandcheese - really interested to read your DD's experience. We're looking at secondaries now, and have been leaning towards single sex fore exactly these reasons.

Have you raised any of this with the school, and if so, what has their reaction been?

[chopchopchop]

Sorry, pressed send too soon, also meant to say that I am really sorry that this is happening and I'd also be interested to know what her take on it is?

[chopchopchop]

Made us pretty immature and all the kids friends who went single sex were far more immature than the friends at mixed

Funnily enough, that's also part of the appeal, I'd be really happy for DD to be a child for as long as possible.

[Tissunnyupnorth]

I have DS in single sex and DD1 (15) in mixed.

Dd2, in a few years will def be going single sex. I have found that the pressure from the boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic, actually has the opposite of what we wanted to achieve.

[MaQueen]

Agree with you chop. One of the reasons we wanted our girls at a single sex school was because we wanted them to enjoy their childhood for that little bit longer. Rather than be 12 year olds behaving like 16 year olds.

The last sleepover DD1 (nearly 14) went to involved baking biscuits and building a huge den out of quilts and sleeping bags for them to all sleep under. As yet, there's little interest in 'teenage stuff'. DD and her friends aren't immature, but they do act their actual age rather than faux, sophisticated 17 year olds.

[fruitstick]

Thanks for your responses. I agree it keeps them younger for longer. I wonder if it benefits boys and girls equally.

[choirmumoftwo]

We felt strongly that we didn't want our DD in single sex education having had negative experience of how thoroughly horrible groups of girls can be to each other. We're lucky to have been able to choose a mixed school where boys and girls are taught separately 11-16 then together in 6th form. They have all the advantages of mixing for choir, drama etc but separating for teaching. Perfect choice for us, but each to their own.

[StrawberryQuik]

DH and BIL and all of DHs close friends went to a very traditional catholic boys school.

I'd say in general their attitude towards women tends to be 'gentlemanly and a bit old fashioned'

He was a bit awkward at uni till he learnt to talk to girls though!

[fruitstick]

Better that than 'locker room talk' I suppose.

[Dontpanicpyke]

chop

No not being a child but rather very in awe of the opposite sex. Both sexes trying too hard to please the other.

Er sorry to say this but please don't think girls or boys at single sex schools are all into hockey and cricket and healthy pursuits.

[zazas]

Gardencentregroupie - I was quoting from my discussion with my son (rather than blanketing all girls with this responsibility myself), although he did feel that he found girls were very good at his school in pointing out to the boys when their behaviour was bordering on sexist / unacceptable and that they in turn listened to them. His thoughts were if we don't start to address it somewhere (at this level), when will the change in society come? He was questioning if we separate both sexes until the boys mature, was that the best solution? He then went on to reason that decades before, woman weren't accepted or expected in many places but as they did integrate into these areas it became the 'norm' (at least in his 15yo experience). Obviously for many parents this would perhaps be a step too far to allow their daughter to be the one having to help make this change - hence choosing single sexed schools for this one of many reasons...and no I don't for one moment feel that it is a female responsibility to 'educate' the men BUT I just thought it was interesting his perspective on this. By the way he is the exact opposite of a misogynist and totally believes that it is firstly the boys' responsibility to not be sexist and be a decent person.

crispandcheesesanwichplease yes you are right - my DS thought that schools have a place (and of course parents etc) to educate boys on the unacceptability of sexist behaviour. We are very lucky in that my children's large co-ed school that there is very, very little incidences of this behaviour - nothing like what your poor DD has experienced.

[DustyMaiden]

My DS goes to an all boys school. The boys are taught about respect and concent and generally how to be good members of society. If it is a good school then I don't think being single sex or not matters.

[crispandcheesesanwichplease]

chop, no I haven't mentioned it to school - yet. My concerns about the general mood/attitudes of other pupils have accumulated over the past year. She'll come home one day and mention a comment, then a few weeks later she'll mention another . . . . It's only really recently that I've started to have any real worry about the impact on her.

I have to say, to my shame really, that part of me was thinking 'well this must be what secondary schools are like these days', but some of the comments on this thread are making me reconsider that.

I have a DSD who is in her 20's now and I was talking to her a while back about her experiences of unwanted attention/sexism at high school. She developed quite early in terms of physical maturity and with quite a big bust would get a lot of staring (I noticed this myself when out with her). However I was horrified when she told me that at school she used to get groped a lot and cornered in corridors by boys. She said that she just thought that it was part of school life and had to be endured. That is so sad and wrong.

I agree with other pps that in a single sex school, whilst there's still bullying and nastiness, children are less concerned with impressing pupils of the opposite sex (obviously the situation is different for lesbian/gay pupils) and, as such, that's one stress less for them.

Am thinking that I do need to go to school and discuss my concerns now though.....ho hum!

[chopchopchop]

Yes, I would go in under those circumstances. Not in a 'this is happening to my DD and you must sort it out' kind of way, but to discuss what they see happening in terms of sexist behaviour and whether the school should be doing some general PHSE work on the subject and lowering their tolerance for this kind of behaviour. If this was racism going on at this level, they'd be on it like a ferret, so I don't see why sexism should be any different.

I also had a big bust, so I entirely feel for your DSD. A lot of things happened in school when I was 12/13 - nicknames from the boys and such like - that I am now furious that I put up with in any way. Which is another reason why I think it would be good for you to raise it. Standing up for yourself is so hard at that age, so you do need parents behind you.

And I think with all of this I'm talking myself into the single-sex school more and more...

[crispandcheesesanwichplease]

chop, yes I think I will approach school. I've contacted a number of mums of other girls at the school in the meanwhile and will await their feedback first. I think I'm also going to start a new thread about this issue as I feel like we've hijacked the op's original thread!

[chopchopchop]

Good luck with that, and I'll keep an eye out for the thread.