Friendships : friends without kids

[knaffedoff]

OK so I am really struggling with a very dear and old friendship (20yrs plus and include relationship breakdowns / divorces) I have 2 children am married and work part-time. Dear friend works full-time, single, is financially much better off and lives about 40 mins away in a beautiful and immaculate home!

We normally meet about every 6 weeks with me traveling to see her, I don't take the kids as there would be nothing for them do and they would get bored, so I go alone. We will only meet at the weekend as this suits her better.

I am struggling with the friendship, for although it's very dear to me, she seems to take little interest in what's happening in my life, not interested in my kids and will not travel to see me because she doesn't like driving that much and she has far a similar distance when going to work.

Does anyone else have similar friendships and how do they survive without resentment?

[Lorelei76]

The fact she won't travel is the main issue I think. If she can't be arsed to travel to you why should you go to her?

[MillionToOneChances]

But none of them would feel able to debate what Christmas gift would be best!

[Bountybarsyuk]

That is quite a specific question, but surely a good friend could make it a light-hearted thing rather than ending up with you falling out. I talk about, say the best care home with my friend who has a dad who is very sick, I have no expertise but I am interested in hearing their thought process and I'll give them my opinion.

Fundamentally, having friends is supposed to be fun (or at least not stressful). If it's not fun, or tensions always arise, or they won't travel to see you and it just isn't working I'd scale back the friendship. It doesn't sound like she will be clamoring to see you anyway.

[EdmundCleverClogs]

I was just using 'Power Ranger' as an example. The fact is, you were talking about kids Christmas presents, in October, to someone who wouldn't be either interested or have an good opinion on the matter. You can't try and have 'kid talk' with a childfree friend, then be hurt when they show no interest! It would be like my friend discussing what food is best for their cat, or what potted plant to give their neighbour as a present. How would I know or care.

It sounds like you are currently two different people. She should be making more of an effort to meet, but it sounds like you don't have much in common in terms of conversation at the moment.

[ZaZathecat]

That's a bit harsh saying OP picked a boring topic of conversation. What pressure if you're with a friend and are thinking you can only mention interesting topics. I think I'd be struck dumb. Sometimes my friends can go on a bit about things that are not of great interest to me but I accept it because they are nice people. I bet op sometimes gets bored with friend's tslk of her job or her latest purchases.

[Drquin]

Your kids are the red herring here .....
I'm kind of the same as you with a friend ..... only she's the one with kids.

I invited her, along with others, to an event. Her reply was along the lines of "can't, no money". Which is fair enough, I'd never force anyone to spend money they don't have or can't afford. But there was no "but why don't we do X instead?" Or "come over to mine for dinner one night".

I would often phone her to catch up when I was driving home from work ...... one time she answered with "oh you must be killing time in the car .....". I now feel conscious she thinks I'm only calling to waste time stuck in traffic I've not phoned recently ..... neither has she.

Anyway, that wasn't supposed to be about me!

The kids, or the pretty house aren't the problem. She doesn't seem interested or prepared to make equal effort in the friendship. It doesn't have to be exactly equal, every time ..... you might be prepared to pick up dinner if she drove further than you, or vice versa. Or you drive to her if she cooked a great dinner. But both have to be interested in making the effort.

Sadly i don't feel that of my friendship right now. I was happy to drive to her, as it was easier - I only had myself to organise, they only had one car between them - but you kind of want to know the other one is making similar effort or interested as much as you.

The only reason I don't call it quits is that I know her partner has health concerns from time to time, and she's not prone to tell me, so I hope her lack of interest & effort is as a result of that.

[FleurThomas]

To give you a bit of an idea from the other side - I'm going through infertility treatment and can't stand being around young kids who aren't direct relatives, and so all friends who insist on hanging out with their kids are being de-priortized for a bit. Not saying that's what she's going through, but maybe you should have a quiet word. She might have other serious reasons why she can't travel.

[IhatchedaSnorlax]

She sounds like she's not interested in you at all Op, rather than just not interested in your DCs. What do you get out of the friendship?

I must have missed the part where you explained why you fell out?

[Lorelei76]

I should probably add - I'm childfree, no interest in children at all, but yes, I do spend time with my friends' kids and take them to play and so on. I think with a good friend it's part of the deal and much as I find it dull, I think it's good that they think of Auntie Lorelei as a mate. I've got a couple of friends with teenagers now and it's nice that they see me as part of their world. So I can't really imagine taking no interest at all in a friend's kids.

but agree with a pp, it sounds like she's not interested in you. We can all socialise with someone who appears on our doorstep but that's because it requires no more effort than a neighbour coming in and having a cuppa.

[knaffedoff]

Thanks for all the postings!

Fleur having experienced fertility issues myself, I realise how that can affect friendships. I hope things work out well for you : i remember how awful life could be.

Looking back, last night we talked about her job, where she had been, what she thought of a film we had seen albeit separately, her plans in the next couple of weeks, her new car, a few dates she'd been on.

I told her (she didn't ask) about plans for Christmas and mentioned what I had thought the boys would like.

I have seen her through some difficult times, but I have been married nearly 20yrs and my life compared to some might appear dull.

[KC225]

My friend and I have been friends since school. Her kids just finished and are at university, mine are at primary school. When her children were young. I would travel to see her. I had no clue about kids and would turn up with the most ridiculous presents. Marshmallow head lolly which was bigger than the kids head. A four ft teddy for a two year. I once offered to take kids to go and get the papers. It was 10 am and they wanted an ice cream and couldn't decide so I bought them both. They were in such h a state they had to changed and hosed down but she never complained. When we spoke on the phone, she would never really bother about the kids, out if the they're fine X is at brownies. Y is at football. I asked her about it when I had my kids, and she said wanted the relationship to stay the same as it always was gossiping, restaurants, clothes and make up, home decor and animals etc. We are currently texting about beauty calendars and which way we should go. I Now I have had my children. I know what she means. She has known me longest, if I want mummy talk I can go to mum friends.

Do you have to go to her so often. Unless you enjoy the break away, what is in it for you. What common ground do you have? She doesn't have to be interested in kids but your kids are in your life and as a good friend she should be interested in what happens in your life

[SaucyJack]

After reading your last post I'm tempted to tell you just to sack her off.

She doesn't want a friend; she wants an audience.

Ain't nobody got time for that shot.