To be annoyed at friends digs about my looks?

[shadyquestion]

I am now in my early 40s as are most of my friends most of whom I have been close to since my teens. When we were younger I was the fat one, the plain one, the one guys ignored, the one with greasy skin.

I wasn't ever really fat but about a size 12 and never dieted but instead just ate a varied healthy diet while they all starved themselves to be waif life (it was the 90's). I did have greasy skin which meant I had to take care of it as I've been using retin a cream since my teens as well as spf 30 - 50 daily most of my life. Night clubs and going out weren't much fun for me and I couldn't drink as it made me ill so I didn't ever smoke or party much while they are all out soaking up the decade, one friend even got off with a v. famous Brit pop singer which is something that would never happen to me.

Now at this age I have aged better than some of my friends and don't have any wrinkles or sagging etc and pretty much haven't changed much at all, I haven't suddenly become a great beauty but I do look young. I am getting pissed off though with my friends always commenting on stuff like "I can't believe you don't have any wrinkles ... bitch" or just constantly complaining about their skin etc to me and making comparisons. Perhaps it is meant as a compliment but it doesn't feel like it. It kind of feels like they can't bear to see me have my turn at being the pretty one, not that I even am I just look young.

I know I will probably get flamed for this but is it so bad that their attitude and little digs are pissing me off?

[Italiangreyhound]

groovergirl love it!

[groovergirl]

Everyone has her time in the sun, Shady, and it seems yours is now. So bask in those lovely oblique compliments and enjoy your gorgeous early 40s -- a time when many women look their best.

Alas, your post has made me so nostalgic .... I was a hideous, pimply teenager and frumpy in my early 20s, but hit my stride around 26 and thoroughly enjoyed the '90s. In 1996 I was a samba dancer in the Rio Carnaval. What a decade!

But that was MY time in the sun. Yours might well be now, so frock up and enjoy it.

By the way, size 12 seems to be the currently fashionable size -- slim but with dangerous curves. Go get a minxy cocktail frock, you vamp, and blow all those tired ex-beauties out of the water.

[Italiangreyhound]

shadyquestion you TOTALLY do not sound smug, it's just that Mumsnet is a place where people day what they think, so one poster thinks that, maybe! To me you sound like someone who was in the shade of some very attractive friends at a very significant time and now you are 'the young looking one' your friends can't take it.

I am not really sure why you have stuck around with them as friends for so long as they clearly make you uncomfortable.

Maybe it is time to stretch your wings and make new friends, who you have more in common with. You don;t need to dump your old friends but you do need to stop caring what they think about your youthful looks. I am pretty much in your shoes. I had spots and was very shy as a teen, I'm now much more confident and relatively youthful looking. The difference is I am not in touch regularly with anyone I knew 30 years ago so people who know me now just accept me as who I am, and I accept them.

I would be tempted to ignore any comments that you don't like, maybe say, when one to one with one of the nicest of these women that these comments are offensive to you. Yes you have good skin and look young, so what, it doesn't define you and it's just boring having something brought up again and again.

Plus if they really are saying 'bitch' I;d say I find that offensive and not something a friend should call me (unless that kind of thing is OK with you.

To be honest they sound very unpleasant and I am not sure what you get out of being friends with them.

Poppy why would anyone bother coming on to Mumsnet to boast about looking youthful, and if you really think that is what they are doing why not ignore it. It's just so annoying to say.

NataliaOsipova re "A (much older) friend of mine has this theory that everyone has their time in the spotlight" I can kind of see that, if you watch the series '7 Up' (that follows about a dozen kids through their life and sees them every 7 years) you see that some of the shyest or least attractive' kids turn out very successful attractive whatever. Good news for us who were very shy in our teens. Plus stealth boast - I think I was bloody gorgeous at 18 but I didn't realise it because I gauged beauty by 'fitting in' and now at 51 I wish I had been more confident and worried less about how others perceived beauty!

[KeyserSophie]

I get what you mean- it's like you feel that you paid more than a fair price for the looks you have now.

It's a bit like someone saying "I cant believe you got promoted, bitch" when you pulled regular all nighters while they left at 4.59 every day.

I accpet my wrinkliness as a price of too much sun and booze and not enough water but I dont moan to my factor 100, Evian shareholder mates about it.

[PoppyBirdOnAWire]

Stealth boast.

[SomethingOnce]

You don't come across as a person who is overly bound up with looks; to me, the detail you've given is just you trying to analyse and doesn't read as smugness at all.

I think you're right when you say they're dumping their feelings on you, in the guise of backhanded compliments. It's mean spirited.

I bet you look lovely with your fresh skin, so enjoy

[thisisafakename]

WittyCakeMeister yeah, it was actually so comical that I couldn't be too annoyed about it. Plus the photo was massively magnified so I am sure even a 19 year old would have some microscopic lines if you do that (not that having lines matters anyway). I feel a bit sorry for her. She has low self-esteem (despite her life on paper looking much better than mine). I know I can't really rely on her which is why I keep a distance.

[NataliaOsipova]

A (much older) friend of mine has this theory that everyone has their time in the spotlight. I think she's right. I saw a Facebook picture of a girl from school who was THE best looking girl in the year. 20+ years on? No way. On the other hand, I was definitely not one of the lookers at school, but I seem to get far more attention than I did 20 odd years ago. I'd say they've had their time and now it's yours, OP. Simple as that.

[WittyCakeMeister]

Thisisafakename - photo of your wrinkles!! LOL! No wonder you keep her at arms length. I had a friend who was only nice to me when she perceived her life was better than mine too. When things went tits-up for me she was lovely. If I had a bit of good fortune, she was a cow. No longer friends - obvs.

[BennyTheBall]

Maybe they're just trying to compliment you in a round about way as you don't think you have much going for you looks wise (as you implied).

My friends and I often say things like 'you're so skinny, you cow' to each other. It's complimentary!

[Peach9876]

I'd just laugh it off, or say something like 'it's probably because I was a boring teen'. Don't say it like an actual answer but sort of in a jokey way IYSWIM.
But I get what you mean, it's a strange way to pay a comment and if it was just once or twice then you would think it odd and let it go, but this sounds more constant. They are probably jealous, but rather than falling out with you or getting over it try are trying to pay you a compliment and having a laugh to deal with their own insecurities. Have you tried just laughing and saying oh thanks, nice of you to notice and flick your hair or similar. Often just going along with it can help them move past it more. Or when they say 'not that you'd know' or talking about caring for wrinkled faces share your wisdom... not smoking and suncream daily do make such a big difference.

[potentialqualms]

Why were you and have you remained friends for so long when you appear to have nothing in common and none of you like each other very much?

I was the spotty, swotty one at school too and I'm now a bit of a fitness addict and slim and young for my (middle) age. I get it when people I knew way back are slightly backhanded with their compliments/surprise at how I look now, but then I always knew they didn't like me.

BTW, I think my lack of wrinkles is entirely down to having the greasy skin that caused the spots, nothing to do with clean living (except smoking, that definitely ages you)

[Ninarina]

Hello I'm another one who doesn't think you sound smug. I totally understand what you're saying. Enjoy your youthful looks, don't let your friends get you down.

[ItShouldHaveBeenJess]

user. She could always tack the infamous MN 'tinkly little laugh' on to the end of "thanks".... Does anyone have audio for this laugh, btw - I sound like Sid James.

[thisisafakename]

I don't think you sound smug either. I completely get what you mean. People like your friends take good looks for granted when they are young and don't understand that not everyone is blessed to be stunning in their 20s. They probably find the ageing process difficult too because they can no longer rely on looks only. And then feel mildly pissed off that your time to shine is now.
I have a friend who openly admits that she prefers it when other people are having a shittier time of it than her. I keep her at a slight arm's length because I get a little bit enraged when I think about it. She is happy for me when good things happen to me, but only if her life is better than mine overall (and it is, she has no need to worry). She once texted me a photo of my eyes which had been magnified significantly, so there were obvious lines. She did this to point out that I had wrinkles. I know, she sounds like a bitch but she does have good points too.

[user1471545174]

Just what I was going to say - a breezy "thanks!" to compliments, however they are expressed, is always a good tactic.

It makes you seem like a mature, polite person with good self-esteem. They'll hate that but have no comeback

[ItShouldHaveBeenJess]

IT would ne nicer if they could say "Shady, you have lovely skin" rather than give you slightly back-handed compliments. It's clearly jealousy, and they sound a tad immature in their ability to handle these feelings.

Who cares? You look great for your age! Bask in it and enjoy it. No-one should make you feel uncomfortable about the way you look, whether through positive or negative attention.

[WittyCakeMeister]

I really hate it when people try to knock you down when you write anything mildly complimentary about yourself. As if we should all be behaving as of we have low self esteem and underplaying ourselves. Not smug at all.

These girls are giving you back-handed compliments that are not intended to make you feel good. Its a bit of jealousy because they are exactly the same age and school friends often have that 'who's now doing better than who' rivalry.

Im betting you come away from spending time with them feeling low. What they are really saying is: 'Being with you makes me feel I don't measure up and highlights things about myself I'm not happy with and makes me wish Id done some things differently. I wish you didn't look that good, then Id feel better'.
In a way they are being honest by pointing out what is causing their jealousy, which is better than them being cool/snappy in some way; leaving you wondering why.

You have detected that it is not being said positively (it keeps being repeated for a start and what do they expect you to do about it? Try to look less attractive?). You can guarantee that they are not saying it to encourage you to feel good about yourself and make an effort to look great.

Id start saying 'thanks!' Really positively when they say it and look really pleased with myself. It will either make them stop (they don't want to boost your ego), or will bring out more jealous/bitchy comments (showing their true colours).

Id be widening my circle of friends,so they have less impact on me, and spending more time with people who leave me with positive thoughts/feelings, not negative ones.

[Grumpyoldblonde]

I understand exactly. I was just like you when I was young but the blossomed. Unlike you though they still kept treating me like the ugly duckling 14 year old. In the end it made me laugh. Enjoy your moment in the sun, if you're like me it took a while to arrive.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

I'm not sure that they are your friends tbh. It sounds as though their friendship with you was partly built on the foundation of you being the one who was less attractive so they're struggling to re-calibrate the friendship group with you as the one who has aged best.

[YellowCrocus]

These sound like really shallow people and pretty poor friends- why on earth have you stuck with them for 20 years?!

[Crunchymum]

Why have you remained friends with these people? Aside from anything else you seem to have very little in common with them?

[CoolCarrie]

In their minds you were in the chubby one with the bad skin box, now you have come into your own, you are slim with clear wrinkle free skin, and they can't handle it, you have moved out of the box they had you in. Been there, with 2 friends who had boyfriends, went on holiday with them etc, married long before me, always showing off etc, looked down on me and my choices. Both very shallow people who I quickly decided I couldn't be bothered with any more.
Fast forward a few years,
They are both of them grandparents now, both of their daughters are single mothers with dead beat feckless ex boyfriends, all still living at home with them, in the same town, same streets they have always lived in.
Both spent far too much time in the sun, smoked too many cigs, look years older than me.
When they met my dh & I one day in the street, they were shocked to find that I , the fat, greasy hair, pale one, got a tall, dark handsome, kind, loving man , with a great job! Best revenge is living well, OP!

[Flugelpip]

Quite at some of the responses - I bet none of you were the plain ones when you were teenagers or in your twenties. It's horrible to feel left out or like you're the last choice for men when you go out. And I don't blame the OP for feeling uncomfortable about snippy remarks about her lack of wrinkles.

But OP you do sound very bitter about your friends and your past. For your own sake I would spend less time with them and find new people who are more interested in who you are now, wrinkle-free or not, than who you were twenty years ago.

[2kids2dogsnosense]

In 1995 when they were partying with pop stars and being the most beautiful girl in the room I was at home with germolene on my spots and reading my way through the library

This was me, too. And I have also aged better than a lot of my mates.

But I can always remember my "best friend" (in retrospect, she was as mean as hell to me, and I hadn't enough self-esteem to tell her to stuff it) getting a spot. Yes - that's it - ONE spot! Ohmigod! it was the end of the world, and everybody was looking at her, and she couldn't possibly leave the house looking like a freak, etcetcetc. I said, "I've got loads of spots and I leave the house." "Yes - but you're used to looking crap."

(I ran into her about ten years later and she was a hag! I wasn't - spots had gone - and I have to admit I had a warm, rosy, un-Christian glow of satisfaction.)