AIBU or DH? Genuinely don't know

[calmingthoughts]

Hi - first time poster, long time lurker.

I'm 7mths pregnant with our first, and work full time - lots of hours though I'm trying to get this under control for the last two months of pregnancy. I'm planning on working pretty close to my due date to spend as much maternity leave with the baby as I can.

DH has decided to come with me to all antenatal appointments, which has been really lovely - he is pretty flexible at his work. We're having to have a few extra appointments at the moment to check on a few things with the baby, these are precautions rather than anyone actually thinking anything is seriously wrong.

We have been offered a few appointments with things that clash with my work. If they clash with something that I can move, I will move it. But there are some work things that have been booked for ages and that no-one else could stand in for - mainly speaking events that are dependent on my particular role, which no-one else does. So cancelling them would mean an entire event was cancelled for maybe 50-100 people.

DH thinks I am being hugely unreasonable when I ask for appointments to fit around these few events. He sees it as me always choosing to put work ahead of my health, or the health of the baby. He thinks I should take the first appointment offered. My perspective is that if I was told that it was an urgent medical appointment, I would cancel my work things, but I don't see that there's any harm in asking for non-urgent appointments to be made around work commitments so that I'm not letting people down.

To be fair to DH, this is in the context of him telling me for months to slow down, which I only just now feel able to do, so he's probably already wound up.

Fully prepared to be told that I am being unreasonable, I genuinely can't decide whether it's me or him, but I'm getting annoyed at being constantly told off about this. Would be interested to hear what others think.

[FluffyPersian]

Caveat: I'm not a Mum!

I'd like to think if I was in your position, I'd do exactly what you are doing. I have a massive fear about losing my identity if I had a child and I'm very proud of what I've achieved in my career so far. I've recently had to have some time off due to severe back issues and sciatica - however I asked the GP to say I could work from home, rather than sign me off completely as I wanted to continue to contribute to my work and didn't feel my health was being negatively impacted by working at home.

I think it's nice that your partner is coming with you to all the antenatal appointments and I don't see that you're taking any kind of unnecessary risks - Do you think he's more worried than he lets on and therefore it's coming out when he talks to you about your appointments? I guess if he is worried, he'd want to know things sooner rather than later - hence his desire for you to get the first appointment you can?

As long as you are listening to your body and aren't increasing any risks to you or the baby then I'd say you're being totally reasonable.

[willconcern]

No, you're not bring unreasonable. But I get the impression he's worried & you work yourself pretty hard. You only have 2 months to go to term, I can see why he's concerned.

[Bringmewineandcake]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all if they are non-urgent appointments. Presumably the difference is only a matter of days e.g. They offer Tuesday and you ask for Thursday? He's probably getting nervous now for you both that's all.

[Scarydinosaurs]

I don't think you're unreasonable at all- are these appts you're paying for privately? If so- all the more reason to make use of their flexibility.

[AyeAmarok]

YANBU. At all.

It wouldn't strike me as anything other than normal to arrange any medical appointments of any sort around work where possible

I say this as an 8 month pregnant person with a full-on full-time job who has spent this whole pregnancy arranging appointments to be the least disruptive as possible, to me, my DH and my colleagues.

If I have a choice between an appointment at X times which means I need to reschedule meetings, or Y time which means I don't, then obviously I'd pick Y. Why wouldn't you?

[pipsqueak25]

only you know what you are happy and comfortable doing, needs to be your choice but obviously use your common sense. it's pregnancy not illness, but just because you are a mum to be doesn't mean you stop being calming a woman with her own identity, thoughts, ideas, needs and wants. reassure your dh that you are ok and that you will start to pace yourself but on your terms for your health and that of your baby.

[Josieannathe2nd]

I don't think you should miss appointments but absolutely ask I feel there are more convenient appointments. I work some days in the same hospital as where my scans are and every time call (politely) to see if I can have one on a day I'm already there. If they can't I rearrange but there is no harm in asking. I also book midwife appoitnments/ health visitor checks/vaccinations around school runs & toddlers group commitments as much as possible.... As long as you aren't delaying appointments too long it's fine, always worth asking for more convenient ones! I also like one at the start of clinics rather than the end if I am to be waiting with a toddler in tow...

[BerylStreep]

No, YANBU. However, don't underestimate how you may feel over the last months, and you may find that you do need to slow down more than you anticipate you might need to.

[Floralnomad]

YANBU , if the appts can be altered but if it's that appt or no appt then that needs to come first . Perhaps your DH is concerned that you are setting a precedent of 'work comes first' for when you go back and that he will end up having to always be the one being flexible if baby is too ill to go to childcare etc.

[calmingthoughts]

Thanks so much for your responses, obviously lovely to hear that people agree with me!! But actually one thing that is coming through that I hadn't really thought about about is that he is probably worrying overall more than he's letting on - he is generally a bit of a worrier (more than me), and he's been remarkably calm through this pregnancy. Which possibly indicates that he's not letting on when he's concerned. And you're right willconcern I have been probably working too hard and he probably is just getting stressed with it all.

Not private appointments scarydinosoars, NHS. I do feel I've been unlucky with the days they've offered as it always seems to clash with something I perceive as unmovable, and I can feel my heart sink at the thought of another spat with DH about it all.

[calmingthoughts]

Fair point floralnomad, my bosses are aware that my time won't be as flexible when I go back after having the baby, but I probably haven't got this across to DH.

[TheProblemOfSusan]

No, YANBU. I wouldn't change events like that for a non-urgent appointment if I didn't have to.

Most of the time if you phone up and explain even NHS booking people are really understanding about it, and if it's not possible to change it they can just tell you.

I get that your husband is probably stressing about your work hours but it's not very fair of him to make you feel bad about this - you're prioritising important work at a time when you can still do that, in order to ensure you can have a smoother and longer maternity leave.

Sure, take a hard look at your commitments and how they're affecting your health, but you can be a whole person still even with a child. Nothing you've said here suggests you're doing anything wrong to me.

[Timeforabiscuit]

Yanbu, it would cause me less stress to reorganise the appointment than have to reorganise work stuff, particularly good bits of work i wanted to do or felt important.

The only caveat would be stuff needing continuous monitoring, but if things are going well its perfectly rational to organise appointments conveniently.

[scallopsrgreat]

How will he feel about you working and sometimes work taking priority after the baby is born? Does his work take a priority e.g. does he cancel everything regardless, to make an appointment?

[scallopsrgreat]

Btw is sounds like you are managing everything fine so why is he telling you to slow down?

And you being 'hugely' unreasonable about making convenient appointments . Is he going a bit over the top about this?

[KitKat1985]

I'm currently 33 weeks with DD2. I've managed to fit all my routine appointments around my shifts this pregnancy with no major issues, bar maybe having to wait an extra couple of days for an appointment sometimes (but when it's only a check-up, it's really no big deal). If it was an urgent appointment or issue then yes obviously that should take priority, but for routine stuff it's just perfectly normal to try and not to take the piss by making appointments in the middle of crucial work events.

I wonder if his concern is because he feels you are working too hard / getting too stressed generally with work?

[calmingthoughts]

scallopsrgreat I think (I hope) that we'll work it out when the baby is here. I'm planning to have more set office hours, so any extra work will be done at home, but the bigger plan is to flag with the company that there is too much work to do within my one role. We have already spoken about this at work with them knowing that I won't be able to do quite as much when I come back from mat leave. And DH will probably do some childcare drop-offs/pick-ups, I'm not expecting it all to be up to me.

No I don't think he would cancel everything at work for an appointment, but comments here have made me think that's because he's worrying for me and our baby. I agree he probably is going a bit over the top! But I probably need to think about why that is, must be pretty hard being the worried outsider during a pregnancy.

[EatsShitAndLeaves]

As long as you are comfortable with the balance you're striking then YANBU.

Work is a big part of my life and quite frankly I didn't see why (my thankfully trouble free and heathy) pregnancy should get in the way of it .

Obviously I would have felt differently if any complications had arisen.

I actually worked right up to the birth. I was in work on the Wednesday and by mid-day Thursday had given birth to DS!

That's clearly not for everyone but TBH I would have gone mad sitting at home waiting for labour to kick off. Other friends needed to "nest" and "rest" in their final weeks - neither approach is wrong or more or less worthy.

[2kids2dogsnosense]

YANBU - not when these are non-urgent appointments, but I can see why your loving DH, esp. if he is one of Nature's Worriers, is getting upset.

You could point out to him that if you miss/cancel the urgent work stuff, this will make YOU very anxious, and stress you out so much that wouldn't be able to settle/sleep etc.

This is your first baby - may I ask if you are older than average parents for a first child? It may be that not only does he naturally have a strong need to cherish and protect you and your unborn baby as much as he is able (and he isn't inside your head so doesn't know how well/bad you feel about anything), but also doesn't know what to expect, has read loads of stuff about childbirth and only focussed on the horrible-things-things-that-only-happen-in-every-10million-births and is worrying himself sick - especially if he sees this as being his only chance of parenthood. He doesn't want to risk either of you. (Yes - I know I'm using my vivid imagination here, but I'm trying to think why he may be so anxious).

[calmingthoughts]

Hmm, 2kids now that I've read your comment I'm thinking that I may not have been unreasonable, but maybe I've been a bit insensitive. Yes we're a bit older, much wanted baby after a long time of trying and not thinking we'd be able to conceive naturally. And as soon as we found out I was pregnant he kind of wanted to wrap me in cotton wool.

Maybe I haven't really been taking his worries seriously.

[Crunchymum]

I worked full time during my pregnancies (to 37 and 38w respectively) and I always used to try to make my appointment's work for me.

[Maria1982]

I'm going to buck the trend a bit and say yes, maybe he is worrying and you could be more considerate of his worry, but at the same time, why is he giving you a hard time? You are not putting baby at risk, and it is seems unfair that your heart should sink at the thought of another spat with him.

Can you sit down and talk about this calmly at a time when there isn't a particular appointment / possible conflict coming up? Maybe you just both need to feel more listened to.