Who is BU, settle this disagreement (food related)

[Tryingtostayyoung]

DH and I have one DD who is 3 and a half.
When she was younger she used to eat ANYTHING, I was definitely smug at how unfussy she was with food, she would eat and enjoy anything I would make us for dinner, this has all changed very slowly over the last year. We are now at a point where I will openly admit I am making an entirely separate meal for her Every. Single. Night. She will not eat ANY meat apart from an occasional sausage or chicken nuggets.

So here is the AIBU. I have a very relaxed approach to this, I don't get wound up or let it frustrate me, I just make her a different dinner to us. I will admit that I have given up on trying coax her into trying our dinners etc because I just feel like naturally as she gets older she will just start eating more things. However this does now pose a problem if we go to someone's house for dinner as she will not even try other things.
DH approach is to make her atleast TRY what it is we are eating, never ever force her to eat anything but tell her that point blank she will not have anything else until she atleast has a few mouthfuls of everything on her plate to see if she likes it.

Who's right?!

Depends. Look up ARFID (avoidant and restrictive food intake disorder) and see if that applies to your dd. If so your dh is wrong - and likely to cause damage if he carries on.

My DD can be a bit fussy but I only let her refuse a meal if she actually tastes it first. Then she can have a substitute.

Some really helpful suggestions. I think I may try every other day giving her what we're having but also putting something I know she likes on there.

My son did exactly this, although fortunately for us the things he liked were 'healthy' in as much as I would usually give him some plain carbs with 3 or 4 different types of veg and some protein. I cook separately for him anyway, so this was no bother really, and as long as he was eating a balanced diet I wasn't too concerned. He ate the same 4 or 5 combinations for nearly two years, but at the age of 4 and a bit started to be much more open to the idea of trying new things.This went hand in hand with some kind of developmental leap whereby he was noticeably more confident, less concerned about staying in his 'comfort zone' and generally a bit more 'grown up' for want of a better term.

He has begun to eat a MUCH more varied diet based on gentle encouragement to 'practise school lunch'. We always talked about 'testing out' new foods so that he would know whether he liked it or not when he went to school, and we looked at the school menus online so that he could pick which elements he wanted to try first.

We also talked about how, when you try something new, your brain can be a bit surprised at the new taste, and it forgets to check whether you actually like the thing or not, so now we tell him to 'remind his brain' not to be too surprised and if he says he doesn't like something, we praise him for trying and say 'next time you try it your brain won't be surprised' etc.

This technique has been based on the fact that I was exactly like him and my parents went for the threats, the sitting at the table for hours and the endless discussion about food. As a result I dug my heels in, didn't expand my repertoire until I was in my 20s and have always had an unhealthy relationship with food.

When my son started down this road, I talked to my mum about the whole thing and what I was like as a child. I asked her if, to the best of her knowledge, her approach had ever actually worked. She couldn't recall a single time I had been 'forced' to try something and had actually liked it, and in fact she specifically remembers trying to make me eat certain foods that I still do not like to this day.

So, I go with what I think would have worked for me - we started out rewarding the trying of new foods, but he has now worked out that actually having more foods he likes to eat is a reward in itself, and he has only come across about three things that he genuinely doesn't like.

Sorry for rambling, but I am so pleased with the positive results we have had with minimal drama or conflict that I am a little evangelical about the whole process now. It may not work for anyone else, but as an adult who remembers being forced to eat faggots, I am possibly a little oversensitive about the whole food situation and didn't want my son to have the memories that I had of miserable meal times spent focussing on what I was or wasn't eating.

My son (similar age) went through a phase where he would only eat anything in breadcrumbs (eg. chicken nuggets, potatoe corquet and even a veal escalope in breadcrumbs (from Nanny's freezer). I was worried about lack of balance/variety and took him to the doctor.

Dr said was he otherwise fit and healthy and not lethargic to which I answered yes. He said just come back if that changes. Within 2 weeks one day whilst we tucked into a sunday roast and he sat with his nuggets he asked for some of my carrots (and ended up eating everyone's). He gradually asked for more and more things until he was back to eating normally. As my dr recommended go with the flow unless she becomes unwell.

Ds1 went through a very prolonged chicken dippers stage. I ended up giving him those instead of any meat we were having but he had the veg the same as we did. It wasn't a battle we were prepared to fight in the end.

I was a fussy eater as a child, turns out I had food intolerances to most of what dm cooked.
I now eat and try many foods, except for certain goods which I have allergic reaction too.
She'll grow out of it.

Holger That's the advice I saw a long time ago in an American piece about fussy eaters. I sympathise cause I'm a fairly fussy eater myself (there are a lot of things I don't like the taste of) but at the same time I think it's unreasonable to have to cook two separate meals every night.

I would put a mouthful of all the food you're having on her plate along with her food (not touching) and encourage but not force her to try it. Or do that but with one of the foods you're eating each time. I also tell ds you have to try sonething 50 times before you know if you like it or don't and tell him about foods he didn't used to like but does now (might not work if there are none!).

And I totally agree with gnome - keep reminding yourself it is totally normal instinctive behaviour to be very suspicious of food at that age. It's a survival thing. The less you can make it into A Big Deal the better I think.

I've got an idea which might solve the 'her food versus your food' situation.

How about getting her one of those plates with the separate compartments, like they have in schools?

That way she could have say - sausages in one, pasta in another and some of 'your' dinner' in another.

Just try putting it in front of her with no comment at all. Don't comment if she doesn't eat 'your' food and don't comment if she does (even though you'll want to praise her).

That way it might all eventually just become normal food, instead of yours and hers?

Sorry I meant to add...

Once she's used to it all becoming 'normal' food (however long that takes), you could try gradually reducing the amount of 'her food' and increasing 'yours'.

Assuming she's not been allowed to fill up on snacks/drinks before dinner, she might finish the 1 sausage (or half a sausage) and the tiny bit of pasta, and still feel hungry - meaning she might eat the rest of what's on her plate.

I explained taste to my 5yos the other day as they were refusing to try anything. They totally got it - I didn't expect it to work.

I said you need 3 tastes of any food before you can decide if you like something or not. Your eyes and nose start deciding what you think a food will taste like so
Taste 1: your taste buds immediately shout "whoa what is this?" Because it's not what it expected.
Taste 2: your taste buds actually get the true taste but as you've not had it before it immediately thinks "hmmm this is a weird taste,I'm not sure about it."
Taste 3: this makes the decision as to whether you love it, like it, or hate it.

If by 3 they don't like it I won't make them eat it. Generally it works. Except feta or Greek yoghurt - neither made it into dc's mouth more than once.

Dd1 didn't eat meat at 3 but at 4 her dtds were 1 and I was weaning them. They were great eaters so she saw them eating meat and realised it wasn't poison. Having other dc over and letting them help themselves is great too. Nursery and school also help as it's social eating.

I think not appearing to bother about what she eats is fine. dp may make thesituation worse by forcing her to try everything. will becoome a battle.

give her food she will eat. food she does not eat can be given in small quantities, ignore what she does with it. (unless she is throwing it at the curtains, then just ask her to put it on a spare plate etc. )

look at what she does consume, most likely she is getting all her nutrients even if she does not eat the same as you. she can get protein from other sources than meat (eggs, milk, beans, etc) this is not really a battle worth fighting.

mine have liked stuff, gone off it, liked it again, as well as consistently never liking stuff.

Dd went through a stage where she would only eat pasta so for about a year I served her up a small portion of pasta (not enough to fill her up) and whatever we were eating, pasta is still her favourite food but thankfully we don't have to have it every meal anymore.

My son was exactly the same as your daughter. I made a conscious decision not to make food a battle ground.

I made meals just for him within his narrowed range but made them healthy and home made. About 2-3 times a week he was presented with a family meal of something plainish but outside his usual repertoire with lots of veg. If he didn't eat very much that was fine.

I serve family meals from bowls which allows everyone to choose.

As he's got older he gradually expanded what he would eat. He has, in the last year, suddenly started pretty much anything including very adult flavours and combinations.

I don't think it matters what approach you take but I'd avoid dinner table stand offs. It just leads to stress and resentment.

My view on it is eat or don't but there's nothing else. My eldest is autistic and wanted a different dinner. I refused to cook anything else. No bread, no fruit, just dinner. I just put it in front of her and said eat it or don't but there's nothing til breakfast. Not making a big deal of it, just matter of fact like A few days of no eating dinner, then she ate some. Next day more. Within a week eating reasonable amounts. I didn't comment on her food consumption once, just took the plate away when she had finished. Might not work for you but I think as soon as she realised I was serious she realised she didn't like being hungry. I figured she wasn't going to starve to death missing a few meals. And I wasn't running a restaurant.

She's an adult now and eats 99% of foods.

As an adult with food issues who was forced to try things...

Please please don't make every meal time a battle, thats a great way to create much bigger problems.

The ideas here that I like are:

Serving up meals you know she likes but putting the odd extra thing on the plate as long as its made ABSOLUTELY CLEAR there is no expectation she will try it, eat it, eat all of it or anything like that, and there is no punishment (ie, no pudding) if she doesn't try it.

Serve-yourself meals - everything in serving dishes and everyone helps themselves - again ensuring there are options shes familiar with and likes as well as new things, and again no obligation to try and no comment made if she does or does not.

If at all possible get her involved in buying food and preparing food, and something I think is valuable is EVERYONE trying new food occasionally.

When you do do that, make sure its something new to everyone, and that she IS allowed to touch it, lick it, pick it up iwth her fingers, and also to spit it out if she doesn't like it.

THe things that seriously fucked me over were, not being allowed to investigate food, not being allowed to spit it out, being watched and comments made on what i was eating or not eating, and being forced to eat things I didn't want to eat or knew I didn't like.

Eventually I started retching and vomiting at meals and particularly if forced to swallow something unpleasant. I went hungry and would steal food later on and for YEARS I really struggled to eat in front of other people, I physically could not swallow what was in my mouth.

Please don't do this to your child.

I don't see how you ever expect her to eat anything else if you give her chicken nuggets for every meal?! I'm with Mummyme1987. There's one meal, put it in front of her. Don't give her a hard time. If she doesn't eat it, there's nothing else. There's no battle, it's up to your dd to decide if she is hungry or not. She'll get the message soon enough.

I'm with Mummyme on this. They won't starve themselves. No drama, but just matter of fact.

We had a compromise: they were allowed to have 3 items each which they really would not eat, and I would never serve those without an alternative. Anything else, they had to at least try (and then fill up on spuds or whatever was part of the meal anyway).

But the main thing is to be relaxed at the dinner table. Stress is a terrible appetite-killer.

Also letting everyone help themselves. I never understood that British thing about dishing other people's food up as if everybody had the same appetite.

When I was young, my cousin came to stay in the holidays. He only ate cheese sandwiches, and had for years, nothing but cheese sandwiches.. My mum is old school. She allowed him a sandwich at lunch but apart from that it was normal meals or nothing. He's was with us for 4 weeks. 3 and a half of those he ate normally. Not surprisingly he reverted back at home, because it was allowed. There's a few kids who have issues with food via Sen and need different food but most just want what they like and know parents will give in.

I did what you do and my 6yo is now terrified of trying new foods. As he's starting to go to other people's houses after school etc this is getting to be a problem. If I were to go back in time I would take your dh's approach. Obviously I'm not saying that this will happen to your dd, but just that i would handle it differently if I had my time again.

I tried mummy's approach with DS (we now have an asd diagnoses but didn't then)

He became pale, lethargic & lost weight which as a very small underweight child he couldn't afford to do.

DS really would starve himself rather than eat food he doesn't like so be careful. Texture & colour is a big issue.