To think there's still a stigma to online dating

[definetlynotbored]

I'm 27 and I only know a handful of people within my social group who haven't ever used a dating site and among them the general consensus is attractive people don't need to and it's for people who can't meet anyone in 'real' life.

At lot of my friends lie about how they have met their partner when they met online. One of my friends lied for a year before 'coming clean' that she met her now husband on POF.

Another 'admits' it to me but tells everyone else they met at work.

If the stigma is gone then so many people wouldn't feel the need to hide it. And these are otherwise very confident people.

I have one friend who will never admit she met her partner on match.com. She has this great story about how they met at work but in reality he let it slip once how they met on match.com and said she told him he can never tell anyone!

My best friend is Gay and said in the gay community pretty much everyone uses online dating as there's little way to meet someone day to day so there is literally no stigma at all.

What do you lot think. Is there still a stigma to using dating sites?

[Helmetbymidnight]

I tell everyone -( I'm 45)

Things stay stigmas if people feel they have to cover up.

Do I give a shit if someone thinks I was desperate?
(No)

[Oysterbabe]

I met my husband on Match. His brother met his wife on My Single Friend. TBH half the people I know met their partners online and are happy to admit it. If there is still a stigma I think it's lessening all the time.

[Writerwannabe83]

Your story is lovely but I can't help but grin at the when I hit 27 as if it's the end of time. I have read the whole post but that bit just cracks me up smile



It felt like it at the time

Most of my friends were settled with children and I started to feel left behind.

Plus, back then the thought of having children over the age of 30 horrified me so I thought I'd best crack on

[Notapodling]

I also think it is harder now to meet people offline simply because most people prefer to meet people online. It makes both approaching and rejection easier.
Before I tried OLD, I quite fancied one guy and managed to casually ask him out for a drink which he accepted. I think he wasn't sure if it was a date or not, or if it was as friends and I had no idea which way he wanted it to go. The whole thing just ended up being massively awkward.
At least if you're on an OL date, you both know you are on a date and at some point you were both interested in going on a date. It just makes things far less complicated.

[HappyAxolotl]

My take on it. I avoided OLD for years because I wanted the romantic How-We-Met origin story. Everyone else I knew met IRL and I wanted the same. Except I'm painfully shy, struggle to approach a man, have no idea how to let one know I'm interested and, I suspect, wouldn't realise if I were being flirted with either. So what happened was exactly what usually happens when you wait around hoping for something to happen: Nowt!

I saw a TV ad for Match and considered it, asked friends and they all said the same. That I wouldn't think twice about spending the subs money on nights out trying to find a boyfriend and it wasn't working, so what's to lose?

As it is turning out, nothing. It's easy to contact men as there's some anonymity at first and rejection is easier than face to face in front of all your and his mates! Plus everyone on there wants to be approached. I've had (2) more dates than I've had in the previous 5 years.

So yes, I blame the silly boy-meets-girl ideas we are fed from birth and the "it'll happen when you least expect it" theory (if that were true, everyone who ever gave up hope would meet the one that day!)

I'm pretty sure that the stigma will vanish in the next few years as more couples meet up this way.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

I went to three weddings last year, all the result of online dating.

[XiCi]

I think there is still a stigma attached. I dont really understand why anyone would use it especially in your twenties when you are always out meeting people. IME there is so much opportunity to meet people at work or out socialising and its so much easier to ascertain whether you are attracted to someone that way. As pp have said it just seems fraught with difficulties. The few people I know who OLD have all met some very odd people or been fucked over by chancers. A woman at work is currently OLD, her last 2 dates have been with a heroin addict and a man that turned up to the restaurant fully dressed as a klingon.

[Writerwannabe83]

My take on it. I avoided OLD for years because blush I wanted the romantic How-We-Met origin story.

It can still be romantic....

When I was on my way to meet my DH in a taxi we hit a really bad patch of traffic and were at a standstill and I watched the meter ticking away I knew I wouldn't have enough money to make it to our arranged date venue so I actually had to ask the taxi to stop earlier than planned even though it meant I would then have a 5 minute walk to the bar in my heels!!

I paid the taxi driver, opened the door to get out - it was one of those black taxi carriage type things which are really awkward to get out of - and when I went to get my first leg out I somehow tripped over my heels and went flying arse-backwards out the door and crashed into a guy who was walking past. He caught me as I practically landed on him and when I turned around to face him it was my date!!!

I was mortified - obviously - not the best first impression to make - but at least it broke the ice

[Writerwannabe83]

On the flip side though I did once have a guy message me and ask if he could wrap me in tin-foil and have sex with me as he had a fetish for robots

[gunsandbanjos]

I think OLD can still be romantic, I had 4 dates lined up over a weekend.

Fridays night, Saturday lunch, Saturday evening and Sunday lunch. I'd met Saturday night guy already so this was date 2, all the guys I'd been chatting to online for a while. They were all lovely and I was excited to see if we clicked IRL.

Went on my Friday night date and immediately cancelled all my others, he was just amazing and we hit it off instantly. We're still together and I love him totally.

Don't regret not meeting any of my other dates. Sometimes you just know.

[gunsandbanjos]

Also, our paths would never have crossed IRL, so without OLD I would never ever have met this amazing guy who frankly I want to grow old with.

[myownprivateidaho]

I dont really understand why anyone would use it especially in your twenties when you are always out meeting people.

Meh, if you're in a job with long hours you don't necessarily have that much time for meeting new people, and when you do hang out with people you see friends you know. It's easy to be stuck in a social circle without being a klingon speaker!

[IggyPopsicle]

myownprivateIdaho is right. I spent most of my 20's working long hours including nightshifts and I found it incredibly hard to find time to socialise with anyone outside of work. I tried online dating for a while but nothing ever came of it. I just didn't have the time, sadly.

Mind you...I did meet my DP through an online forum and we were friends for a few years before we got together.

[HappyAxolotl]

As for meeting weirdos on OLD, it's easy enough to meet weirdos in pubs, through work, through mates etc. There are weirdos in general society so of course there are weirdos online. Dating sites can't weed them out, you need to use your own judgement to do that.

Just take the usual precautions of meeting in a public place, telling someone where you are going and checking in with them later, not giving your address & workplace away too soon. And of course keeping your head screwed on straight and taking notice of anything that sounds too good to be true. Probably the most difficult bit.

People have been meeting randoms on nights out and taking them home for a lot of years now and it's generally safe. They are still a stranger, they just didn't meet online.

[KatharinaRosalie]

I don't really get why 'out socialising' is considered a better way to meet people. When you're most likely at least somewhat drunk, in some bar or pub with music so loud you can't hold a conversation - only thing you can see if you might be physically attracted to them, but of course alcohol consumption plays a role there as well.

With most OLD sites, you can read what they write about themselves, can see if you have similar views, interests and goals etc - you don't start a conversation with someone you just met at a pub with 'so are you looking for a long term relationship and do you want kids?'. Sure people lie/exaggerate but still.

[happyandsingle]

but also online dating has created a sweetshop mentality. people don't want to give relationships a chance anymore they know they can go online and find another date within minutes.
it also gives men more of a chance to have casual sex I know this can apply to women but generally men have found it harder to get this before online dating.
Of course when you get to late 30s like me it is harder to meet men in real life so Internet dating does help,but as another post says it is a minefield and you need a thick skin.
Don't think there's a stigma to it though,most people openly use dating sites now.

[Mirandawest]

My DH and I met on OK Cupid. Both of us have always been very open about it. We were both lucky that we were the first person we both met on there and it worked

[Ineedmorelemonpledge]

Is the stigma to do with it being an online service or more to do with the fact that there is a stigma about people actively looking for a relationship and organising for that to happen?

I think society over the last few decades has really bought into the fact that love should be something that happens to us unexpectedly. A chance meeting, eyes across the room etc. The lightning bolt...

But in reality when has that ever happened to everyone???

In the 1940's and 50's I think people just spent their lives in tea dances and the like.

I don't see it any different to speed dating or singles nights.

I feel sad that people get embarrassed by it. What's the problem in admitting you want a good relationship and actively seeking the person to do that with? I had a colleague that met her husband on Match, and my best friend met his wife there. They both also wanted to keep it discreet. Didn't want to seem desperate was what one told me. I felt sad about that.

I also like the adverts from some of them, the crazy dancer and the loud laugh girl, finding people that love and appreciate them.

[Helmetbymidnight]

I should imagine its only a stigma among the same people who find, say, 'single mothers a stigma, or mental health issues a stigma.

The vast majority of people don't give a damn one way or another.

[HappyAxolotl]

Interesting point LemonPledge. I remember donkey's years ago watching a documentary about a Muslim community that didn't do forced arranged marriages but their mosques had matchmakers who would introduce two young adults they thought would get along. The pair would be allowed to have dates, chaperoned at first then later by themselves, and what was interesting is that the chaperone would ask them separately what they thought when the other said this, did that - they were like a voice of reason in the middle of the falling in love fluff!

I remember it was quite fascinating and seemed to work well for the people being matched. We used to do something similar and I'm sure I've heard Jewish communities have similar as well. Nowadays it's widely recommended to let all your friends know you are looking and ask them to introduce you to their single friends. Makes sense so why do we have this silly idea about leaving things to chance? There is no other area of life where you're recommended to sit on your bum and wait for what you want to come and find you.

Any idiot knows women who want children don't have the luxury of decades to waste, but also my single male mid-30s friends are keen on having families as soon as realistically possible. So why heck not try and seek each other out?

[DiegeticMuch]

No stigma here. Completely normal, pretty much the default. It's an efficient way of meeting people if you're 30+.

[donajimena]

Another one who met her partner online and we are both completely out and proud about it!
Someone asked up thread how did people go about it before OLD? Work is always popular, so was a nightclub but as you get older and have children your options narrow (speaking as a lone parent) I'm also self employed so work was out of the equation.
Its a shame that some people still feel that there is a stigma.
If more people were honest it might encourage uptake amongst those that feel OLD is only for the strange/desperate/players in the world.
I hope to stay with my partner for ever but if we were to split I'd definitely use it again

[Ineedmorelemonpledge]

Nice post HappyAx.

[CwtchMeQuick]

I recently told my sister that I'd been on a date. Her reaction: 'ugh PLEASE tell me you didn't meet him online' We're both early twenties, I don't understand why how I met him was more important to her than whether I enjoyed the date.

So yes, there is still stigma attached but I think it's reducing a lot. Most of my friends (ranging from late teens to early forties) use or have used dating sites or apps and we're all very open about it. We all message if we're going to meet a date and stay in touch, which obviously is good in terms of safety. I think it's the norm now but unfortunately my sister some people are still judgmental

[chickenowner]

I met my DP and many of my friends at a local meetup group. It's fab!

//www.meetup.com