To stipulate that we only get back together under this condition?

[FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname]

Dp and I broke up for a few weeks over the summer. I went away for a while and we realised how much we love and miss each other and have agreed to give our relationship another go.

One major sticking point though, one which was instrumental in us breaking up in the first place, is his reluctance to consider living anywhere other than where we currently live (very rural town). I love the place where we live, it is scenic and peaceful but it is not great for me in a lot of areas, mainly:

Jobs are very hard to come by here.

Wages are very low, much lower than national average.

It is very far from my family (4hrs+ drive).

I will be graduating from uni in the next few years and I'm realising just how hard it will be to get a decent job in this area. Also my parents are getting into their 70's now and, although they are still mostly fit and well at the moment, DM still works full time because they can't afford not to. So the distance may become a problem in the future because we have no other family in this country other than myself and my siblings, none of whom live close to my parents to help out if they need it.

So my condition to DP would be that he at least consider the possibility of moving somewhere closer to my parents, that would be better for work, in the future, if it was necessary.

However, I totally understand why he has been reluctant to consider this in the past becuase all his family live in this area, and he has a son with his exP who lives here also. I completely understand that his DC is his priority and that will never change, I'm not asking him to abandon his child - far from it! I just want him to consider the possibility that, in the future, either for work or for my family, we might have to move closer to where they live (not necessarily the same town, just closer).

Wibu to ask him to consider this as a future possibility? I have friends here who do think I WBU, as I would be taking him away from his family and child, but I have to consider my own family as well. Do we have a future if we won't/can't leave this area? Before we broke up we were engaged and want to be again and my thinking is that if we are going to have a marriage and a whole life together then we both need to have our wants and needs taken into consideration.

[BitOutOfPractice]

What's the point of moving half way though. That just means both of you are now a long way from where you want to be?

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

BitOut Yes, which is why I said even if they did move to that first city an hour away, it's still three hours from the OP's parents and while she does talk about jobs in her OP, it is very much weighted to being closer to her parents "in case". Moving much nearer to them would make sense to that part of her argument. Moving just an hour nearer really doesn't make sense, which would tend to suggest this scenario is primarily about work and I wonder if there is some resentment or feeling that he isn't pulling his weight enough or not being ambitious enough or just having a different work ethic behind all this. Him not considering the possibility of moving near her parents seems a bit of an odd thing to break up for over the summer and makes me wonder if there aren't other things involved.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You mention you are studying , you will be graduating from uni and looking for a better job.

What's the point of doing all that work to get a degree then shafting yourself by living somewhere without the jobs?

I say get a flat by yourself in the place you want to live, maybe in that city an hour or two away from him, where there are good jobs. Get a job there. Go back to dating for a while, he comes to stay for the weekend when he hasn't got his son.

You've already had relationship problems bad enough to split up. By the sounds of it you don't see much of him in the week anyway as he is at work or exhausted. Drop the engagement talk. Take it slower.

Live the life you want, show it to him, give him the opportunity to see if it can work for him.

[trafalgargal]

It sounds to me more like she is realising he is happy in his nice little rut but she is off to uni with her horizons expanding and the greater opportunities of non rural life beckoning. I think she is struggling to see how such differing aspirations can work.....and she is absolutely right.

As for teenagers refusing to do a longer journey, not in my world. My son from 12 would get the train to his Dad's (graduated from Dad meeting him off the train to eventually him taking the second train alone). He much preferred it to the car journey .....and obviously so did Dad. It made him more confident. I remember him mentioning that for the past month there were works on the line and he'd done part of the journey by bus each week. It was such a non event to him he didn't bother mentioning it for weeks.

Of course I'm taking real life experience not pearl clutching imaginings .

[user1474627704]

Is it a peculiarly British thing, to think that an hour, hour and a half away is moving out of range of your kid? It's bizarre...its an average car ride! It's what huge numbers of people commute twice a day, every day. For some of us, its a trip to the shops.

Whats all this guff about it being unacceptable to move an hour or 2 away from your child? Why would that make the slightest bit of difference to an every other weekend arrangement? It wouldn't.

[ExConstance]

OP, your parents are not very elderly, it will probably be well over 10 years before you need to be seriously concerned about being near enough to offer support. My mother is 90 and lives alone and copes very well with minimal support, she'd be rather shocked if I thought it necessary to move closer because of her. I don't think your DP will ever move, he sounds very set in his ways, I think this will impact on other areas of your relationship in due course, so probably best to ;sup now.

[BombadierFritz]

well it will, user, if the teen child refuses to go.

[daisypond]

"Even an hour is a big deal when it comes to stuff like parents evenings, birthdays, hospital trips and emergencies."

I'm sorry, but this is simply not a big deal in my experience. I'm more than an hour and a half away from parents' evenings, DH is an hour away, and my child often has to go to hospital - as a regular outpatient - and that's two hours away. You just get organised. Neither of us have ever missed one.

When it comes to secondary school time, in, say, three years for the son - maybe when the OP is finishing her degree - he'll no doubt be making quite longish journeys to school himself. 45 minutes and more isn't uncommon where I live.

But if the OP's DP doesn't want to move - and there may be all sorts of reasons for that - then that will have to be a dealbreaker if the OP ultimately does.

[liletsthepink]

I suspect that once your DSS reaches secondary school age he would much prefer to be In a town rather than stuck in the middle of nowhere EOW. Will he have to travel a long distance to school or are there local rural schools near where he currently lives?

I agree with the pp who said that you want to live a different life to your DP. An hour drive is not a long way to move if it improves your job prospects!

[expatinscotland]

Why on Earth are you shackling yourself down with a man who has a kid and doesn't want to move and parents who aren't even needing your support just now? Walk away! Give yourself the freedom to find a job wherever there is the best job for the most money. LIfe is short, spread your wings a bit.

[AnguaResurgam]

In the OP it says that it's a town in a rural area, so it's reasonable to assume they have a school or schools.

It also says that all XP's family live there. And if that includes parents of a similar age, then they may well have (hypothetical) future needs too. Plus of course his DS needs him for the next decade or so. Even if there isn't much midweek contact right now, ruling out the possibility that some could develop seems pretty harsh on the boy.

If you decide this is a condition that had to be met, then I think you are ending the relationship.

[Dozer]

I think you made the wrong decision getting back together.

If he only sees his son EOW at present (poor IMO) and could travel and pay for accommodation for those times moving away doesn't seem a huge deal IMO.

If you stay with him think you need to assume he'll never move.

"I probably wouldn't have gotten in to a relationship with someone in his situation if I had known all this in advance, but sometimes things happen that you have no control over and plans change"

Er, no. You knew he had a son, so was unlikely to want to move away, and that the area had poor job prospects for you, and that you didn't want to stay there. You chose the relationship, which you say was largely good, and can now choose again what you want in your future. Recommend the move closer to your family and friends and job prospects!

[StepCatsmother]

Cabrinha said "There are fairly frequent AIBU threads from women 10 years further on than you. Where the husband promised to consider it. Well, he considered it and didn't want to move. Tough luck."

I haven't ever posted about it, but I am one of those women.

I moved from 'up north' to London to be with my then DP on the basis that we'd had a discussion about moving out of London once we'd been there for a few years, to try somewhere else for the same amount of time.

He continued to mention our plans for 'one day', even on our wedding day saying that it would be our 'next big adventure'.

However, when we were married that went out of the window, and even without kids, he was no longer willing to consider moving as he was 'a Londoner' and knew he wouldn't be happy anywhere else so wasn't willing to try it.

Only make the choices and compromises that make you happy OP. Don't hope for things that rely on other people making decisions.

[Lunar1]

If an hour is no big deal then you just move away op and leave your boyfriend where he wants to be, near his son.

How lovely do you think your life will be when him and his ds see you as the wicked stepmother that's the reason they don't live near each other.

[1potato2potato3potato4]

I don't think YABU at all. Of course he should be willing to consider moving in the future, that's pretty basic. His DC won't be young for ever, and plenty of DC manage to main a good relationship with a NRP without having to live on their doorstep anyway.
I'd want to be able to help my parents if they needed me.

[daisypond]

But the DP and his son live near each other now and only see each other once a week. How close you live isn't relevant, but how often you get to see each other is.

[Memoires]

My friend's ex moved to the other side of the country for work. They both drove more as a result, met half way for handovers. It was hard at first, but she was soon valuing the time she had alone with their son, and it seemed to improve the boy's relationship with his dad too. You make of it what you can in fact, and make the best of it.

I think you'll find that you'll spend the rest of your life where you are now and your dreams of a successful, well-paid career will go down the Swanny.

Wait to get married. Graduate, keep your options open for jobs and go where you want, not where is convenient for him.

If he follows you, all well and good. If he doesn't, well, better you know before marriage.

[pinkdelight]

I think your life plans are incompatible and your feelings are making it hard for you to see it. Your parents aren't the issue here. As a pp said, they could move closer to you if needs be. If they don't want to, that's their prerogative but it shouldn't be down to your dp to move closer to them and further from his dc. I also think it's funny that you won't consider (that word again) living separately from your dp so that you can live in the city, because proximity - living together - is essential. And yet where his son is concerned, distance is apparently no big deal, not the other side of the world etc etc. I understand your points, but your priority is clearly you, your career, your happiness. And that's fine. But your dp's priorities are different. Incompatible. Making some meaningless agreement to reconsider at some point in the future is not the solution, sorry. Move to the city and start a new life.

[trafalgargal]

I think the son is a bit of a red herring TBH.
He just doesn't want to move.
If he was that keen to see the boy he'd be making the effort to see him more often.
Seems like he wants everything on his terms regardless of child or girlfriend and their needs or wishes.
Presumably you went back to see him to get back together , he didn't come after you ?