To stipulate that we only get back together under this condition?

[FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname]

Dp and I broke up for a few weeks over the summer. I went away for a while and we realised how much we love and miss each other and have agreed to give our relationship another go.

One major sticking point though, one which was instrumental in us breaking up in the first place, is his reluctance to consider living anywhere other than where we currently live (very rural town). I love the place where we live, it is scenic and peaceful but it is not great for me in a lot of areas, mainly:

Jobs are very hard to come by here.

Wages are very low, much lower than national average.

It is very far from my family (4hrs+ drive).

I will be graduating from uni in the next few years and I'm realising just how hard it will be to get a decent job in this area. Also my parents are getting into their 70's now and, although they are still mostly fit and well at the moment, DM still works full time because they can't afford not to. So the distance may become a problem in the future because we have no other family in this country other than myself and my siblings, none of whom live close to my parents to help out if they need it.

So my condition to DP would be that he at least consider the possibility of moving somewhere closer to my parents, that would be better for work, in the future, if it was necessary.

However, I totally understand why he has been reluctant to consider this in the past becuase all his family live in this area, and he has a son with his exP who lives here also. I completely understand that his DC is his priority and that will never change, I'm not asking him to abandon his child - far from it! I just want him to consider the possibility that, in the future, either for work or for my family, we might have to move closer to where they live (not necessarily the same town, just closer).

Wibu to ask him to consider this as a future possibility? I have friends here who do think I WBU, as I would be taking him away from his family and child, but I have to consider my own family as well. Do we have a future if we won't/can't leave this area? Before we broke up we were engaged and want to be again and my thinking is that if we are going to have a marriage and a whole life together then we both need to have our wants and needs taken into consideration.

[Ausernotanumber]

But he wouldn't get to see his son!

[Cabrinha]

There are fairly frequent AIBU threads from women 10 years further on than you. Where the husband promised to consider it. Well, he considered it and didn't want to move. Tough luck.

He shouldn't move away from his child anyway. It's not about what other divorced parents do - it's about his child.

Go live your life. Be near your family, forge your career. Then when his son is 18, if he puts his money where his mouth is, he can move to you to start up again.

[ShatnersWig]

You're not getting it, OP.

Job prospects may be better for him too if he moves, but unless where he is now means he absolutely CAN'T provide for his son financially, moving is simply not on.

You're really looking at it all from your point of view, even though you think you aren't. The view you have to look at is that of HIS SON.

[ClopySow]

YABU.

You're using your family as a reason to move. His reasons to stay are the same, except he also has a dependent child.

[AndNowItsSeven]

Why don't you understand , his child is more important than money, jobs, your parents , YOURSELF.

[FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname]

Of course he would! Living in a different city isn't the other side of the planet! We live in an area where everything is quite spread out so long journeys are normal for us. Commutes of 90 minutes are very standard, etc.

[Cabrinha]

TBH, bit of a tangent but I'd want to know why he doesn't bother to see his son at least one midweek night. I wouldn't want a relationship with a crap uninvolved lazy dad. Is he?

[AGruffaloCrumble]

YABCU purely for the aspect of his son. Even in ten years time. My ex-p moved two hours away from DD1 and their relationship has suffered greatly from it. She will always hold him against it. In 5 years time his son will need him even more and it's completely unfair to ask a child to travel to fulfil the parent's wishes.

[Chewbecca]

I always think relationships tend to get harder, not easier, so if you have big unresolved issues before you get married, they don't get better, more issues get piled on top of them.

Go now while you still can relatively easily, before any bigger commitments are made.

[DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease]

I can't see this working.

[ShatnersWig]

OP, you're really not coming across well now. Please stop and think.

You've told us YOU don't like living what is over a four hour drive away from your parents. Now you've just told us that despite your OH moving a four hour drive away from where you are now, he would still be able to see his son because living in a different city isn't like living on another planet.

Which is it, OP? Four hours IS too much when it refers to YOUR parents, but NOT too much when it refers to your OH seeing his dependent son?

You say you have friends who said you WBU. I think all of us think you are BU.

[MoggyP]

He doesn't want to move away from his DS.

No matter what arguments you throw out, he doesn't want to move away from his DS.

And that is to be applauded.

If this is a deal-breaker for you, then perhaps you should consider the deal broken.

[Bellabecca]

I have been in a similar situation and I advise you if he wont agree then break up now. My advice would be move sooner as the longer you stay he more he will refuse.

In the future you will have lived where he wants for almost 10 years, he owes you the next 10 years.

It is more than reasonable , he can still see his son . People move away all the time, people emigrate and keep up contact, he will only be a few hours away.

[MorrisZapp]

I'd walk away I think, sorry. My friend moved to the arse end of nowhere to be with her apparently metropolitan at heart bf who wanted to live in the city. Guess what, actions speak louder than words. She's now chained to a godforsaken shithole and ringing the police every weekend because the local kids have nowhere to go apart from the bus shelter outside her house.

He won't move. Decide now where you want to live and take ownership of your decision.

[AGruffaloCrumble]

Which is it, OP? Four hours IS too much when it refers to YOUR parents, but NOT too much when it refers to your OH seeing his dependent son?
This sums up the whole situation really. Great post Shatner.

[EdmundCleverClogs]

ShatnersWig, I don't think anyone can put it more black and white than that (excellent username by the way).

[FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname]

I have already said several times Shatner, that I'm not suggesting we move 4 hrs away from where we currently live, to live in the same place as my parents. I'm not saying that.

What I am saying is maybe we could just move CLOSER to them. Not all the way. Big difference. There are big, major cities, an hour and 2 hours away from here. The city 2 hrs away would be right in the middle. That would be perfect, and still much better for work. The other city would also be fine, an hour closer to my family, and only an hour away from DSS. I know people who live in the same area, who's ex's have moved to the exact same city and it has worked and they are still maintaining contact just as they always did.

I even know someone whose Exgf moved 350 miles away with his son. He still drove all the way there and back to collect him EOW. Where there is a will there's a way, just because someone is more than half an hour away doesn't mean they will lose all contact.

DP doesn't do midweek contact because by the time he has finished work and driven to dss' house, DSS would be in bed so it would be pointless. Please don't insinuate he is lazy and feckless when you know nothing about him or how hard to works to pay his way for DSS.

[ShatnersWig]

[bows and blushes}

Thank you, Gruffalo and Edmund

And Bella, the OP's OH is not chaining her to a table and saying she cannot leave. She is free to do whatever she wishes. She does not have a dependent son. He will not be making her stay there, if she chooses to stay that is HER call and he will not owe her moving wherever she wants for 10 years like you take it in turns to decide who lives where.

[trafalgargal]

So f you moved to the nearest city he'd be travelling two hours a fortnight more than he is now , he'd have better job prospects so would likely be earning more so could give his child a better standard of living through more child support and more disposable income.

Many people commute more than this every single day (probably some of those from where you live now) .

If your relationship is a genuine partnership then your desire for a career is as important as his child when deciding where to live. Four hours may be a step too far but an hour away is a reasonable compromise. If it's one he doesn't want to entertain then you don't have an equal partnership and you'd be better walking away now rather than prolonging it until you've graduated. He's not going to change his priorities and you will end up resenting both him and his child.

[dillyduck]

Job prospects may be better but living cost will probably be higher. I have family who live in rural Lincolnshire for example, sounds similar to where you describe. The cost of services and food out etc is ridiculously cheap compared to Leeds. The minimum wage in many places goes much further than a national average wage would in a more expensive place.

Unless he is earning minimum wage but really has a professional degree level plus post graduate professional qualification (so is he a doctor, accountant, lawyer, teacher etc ) then you may well find that the grass it not greener elsewhere.

[RatherBeRiding]

If your parents need you in 5/10 years time (and it's a complete unknown at the moment) could they not move closer to you?

I agree with others who say it would be completely unreasonable to ask your DP to move away (even an hour - which is quite a lot to some people) on the grounds that you don't like where you currently live and your parents might need you at some unspecified point in the future. Your DP's child does need him NOW and is going to continue to do so for several years to come. And given that your DP works such long hours, then moving even an hour away is going to make ongoing contact difficult.

[dillyduck]

Sorry- correction

The minimum wage in many places goes as far as a national average wage would in a more expensive place.

[YelloDraw]

You want him to leave his child and move away for you?

Very, very U

[shovetheholly]

I get it OP - you're suggesting a geographical compromise, somewhere roughly equidistant between the two families, where there are more jobs. Sounds eminently reasonable.

However, I think the problem is how you know, with any security, this will happen. Your DP could promise that you would both be living on the moon in 10 years' time with a view to getting back with you now, and then refuse nearer the time. This really comes down to whether you can trust his word, or whether you think he'll just say anything right now. And that goes into far deeper issues in your relationship than your geographical location. Only you really know whether you have that trust.

[passingthrough1]

Yeah I'm sorry, I don't think wanting to live close to your son (which should be a given for most parents) is the same thing as wanting to live close to your parents - it's natural that children grow up and move away.
Could you not live slightly further out of middle of nowhere - e.g. Next town along - and commute somewhere for work? I think because there's a child involved he can't be expected to make too make sacrifices here.