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AIBU?

'Daddy was shouting at Granny'

42 replies

Fatbridesmaid · 26/09/2016 09:58

DS is 3. STBXH was emotionally and physically abusive.

He's angry, aggressive, and total arsehole.

Have recently reduced contact and said that it needs to be at his mums house (4 hours on a Sunday).

He has been abusive to me on doorstep in front of DS, we now do supervised handovers.

This weekend DS came home very upset and said daddy was shouting at Granny, was very cross, very unkind, granny was sad,

I'm bloody sick of this. He just cannot emotionally safeguard DS and I can't think of any way forward without literally going through a contact centre!

I have suggested mediation, he's still digging his heels in.

I hate sending my baby into this situation.
WIBU to say until he has completed a perpetrators course/parenting course, he needs to go through a contAct centre? This happens regularly!

OP posts:

Report

Fatbridesmaid · 27/09/2016 08:46

He replied and said he wasn't shouting, he was 'discussing the fact that I am taking away dS's human rights by stopping him seeing his father' and DS was 'exaggerating' and he would 'never be aggressive'. He said anger management courses do not exist, (I sent him details of a perpetrator course) and he will only do a parenting course if I do one.

OP posts:

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 27/09/2016 08:57

Document what MiL said as well as what your son said.

He's not a good liar, is he? Why would he discuss the fact that you are stopping DS seeing his father when he was seeing his father?

Enkopkaffetak · 27/09/2016 08:59

I would call him on that and go do a parenting course myself. They are interesting and will show you as utterly reasonable and working for your child's best interests. I have sat in on a few in my previous job and even as a mother of teenager I learnt stuff I didn't know prior. The course leader told me she still learnt stuff in each course and her children were adults.

Poor you and your ds it has to be very difficult to deal with. Get as much support as you can to get through this and when it gets tough, remind yourself you are doing this to help your ds not learn this as a normal

Fatbridesmaid · 27/09/2016 09:12

I would be very happy to do a parenting course.

The problem with ExH is that he will not acknowledge anything he has ever done is bad!!

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 27/09/2016 09:29

The trouble is that you cant reason with someone like that, because as you said, he will never acknowledge any wrong doing. Its a pointless exercise. If he would listen and acknowledge then you wouldnt have needed to leave him would you? Anger management courses, parenting courses etc will make no difference because he isnt in the wrong.

Stop trying to understand or reason with him, it wont make any difference and it will just give him more reasons to get at you.

Disengage and use legal routes. Ask social services for help, involve the police every single time he gets aggressive or threatening with you, and stop expecting his mother to protect your son as she wont, or cant. That job is yours, and if that means no contact unless in a centre, then so be it.

Lweji · 27/09/2016 09:29

The problem with ExH is that he will not acknowledge anything he has ever done is bad!!

It's a good thing that you realise that.
Any exchange regarding his behaviour is really only useful as evidence of continued issues, should you need it .
Not to get him to change his behaviour.

Asking to go on courses or programmes is also useless and more food for continued exchanges.

Just make your boundaries in relation to his behaviour in relation to you and DS very clear and stick to them. How he responds to that is his problem and his responsability. Not yours.

Bogeyface · 27/09/2016 09:30

That is "he isnt in the wrong, in his opinion"

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 27/09/2016 12:21

He seems to be good at shouting at women.
Talking to his mother and the mother of his child like shit. He aught to be ashamed of himself. Making his mum upset. He's a fucking disgrace.
I'm not surprised you don't want your baby going there.

Fatbridesmaid · 27/09/2016 13:28

Shouting at women is so ingrained in him, he just thinks it's normal! He is absolutely vile

OP posts:

Chinashoes · 27/09/2016 13:43

Hugs to you OP, you have had the strength and intelligence to separate from this horrible man yet still it falls on you to deal with the repercussions of his behaviour.
badtasteflump and other PPs have given exactly the right advice: if you have suffered abuse you do not have to do mediation, and indeed, it's not recommended. I don't know how much contact you've had with women's organisations to date but I would get in touch with one as they can help you both to understand the law in relation to child contact etc and also to maximise your chances of getting legal aid. Look up Rights of Women who have a telephone advice line and have specialists in family law, contact etc. Alternatively try somewhere like Women's Aid or Solace where you could get some face to face time. Others have suggested the CAB but you might benefit from a specialist women's service that can look at your situation holistically.
Wishing you all the best

Chikara · 27/09/2016 21:17

Legal question here - can OP just stop contact? Or is a case of legally she can't but he can't do anything about it until he takes her to court?

(Friend in similar position so interested)

PoldarksBreeches · 27/09/2016 21:22

Legally the resident parent can stop contact but the other parent with PR can pick them up from school/nursery so this is not ideal. If the rp stops contact the nrp will need to apply to court for a contact order.

YouMakeMyDreams · 27/09/2016 21:26

My solicitor told me that I could stop contact and the onus was then on ex to apply for a court order.

Paintedhandprints · 27/09/2016 21:37

Lot's of great advice. From the perspective of your ds, whenever dh and my 'discussions' get a little heated in front of 2.5yo ds, I notice he goes quiet. Shoulders hunched and turned away. Listening though. It really does affect them. (we only argue when both tired, and I try not to in front of ds now).

BadTasteFlump · 28/09/2016 12:39

Chikara it depends on whether there is already a Court Order in place or not. If there is, and contact arrangements are part of that and the resident parent stops contact, then she is breaking the Court Order.

Even if there is no Court Order, if the non resident parent has Parental Responsibility they will automatically have certain rights, ie to collect the child from school, etc, so it's not as simple as stopping contact.

If in either case you feel you have no choice but to stop contact for safety reasons then you obviously should do that, but to cover yourself from any fallout legally you need to keep everybody informed as to why and to keep records of everything that has happened.

Fatbridesmaid · 28/09/2016 17:34

badtaste there is no court order in place. Sorry, that was quite a key part that I missed out!

OP posts:

BadTasteFlump · 28/09/2016 23:07

Then you can just stop contact and wait for him to take you to Court. Let's hope he doesn't bother 🙂

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