AIBU to stop seeing childless friends?

[mickeygoseek]

Not all childless friends, just this group!

I have a small group of friends from a previous job. They were a large part of my social life for several years and we were very close for a time. However, a lot changed when I had DD.

First of all, I ebf DD which left me unable to leave her. I couldn't go on nights out etc which I was fine with. My friends visited when DD was a few weeks old and I met up with them for lunches on a couple of occasions when DD was small. As she got a little older - probably around 5/6 months - they tolerated her less and less and were noticably annoyed if I had to split my attention between them and her while we were out.

My DD didn't feed to a schedule and she was a very reluctant weaner so I didn't leave her at all until she was nearly 1. At that time, I started to go out on my own again (yay!) and saw them occasionally for meals, shopping trips etc. I was very careful to not talk about DD a lot and I asked them about their lives - I was genuinely interested and loved hearing about what they'd been up to. I couldn't really go out drinking the way I used to as 1) I was still bf in the morning 2) I didn't want a hangover with a child to look after and 3) I just didn't want to. They would occasionally ask after DD but showed no enthusiasm for seeing her which was fine but then I'd get snide comments about how I'm always "too busy" yet I've seen X and Y. Yes, because X and Y like to socialise with DH and DD so we can all do something together. There were also "Oh we saw one of your mummy friends tagged you on facebook and you'd been out with them...." Yes, on a Wed morning when you're all at work!

Fast forward a year and I'm pregnant again and it has been a really bad pregnancy - worse than last time. I've cancelled plans with them - I've cancelled plans with lots of people! Again, there have been snide comments about me seeing mummy friends. I look after my DD M-F while DH works so it has often been easier to meet up with mummy friends since I have to entertain DD anyway. Evenings and weekends DH has taken over to let me rest and I haven't been up to seeing anyone when I haven't had to.

I understand that I'm the one who has changed what AIBU to distance myself (more than I already have)?

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

I have been on the other side of this - as a childfree person I have walked away from many friends who were having their first child.

Their lives changed, I wasn't one of those stereotypical party/travel loving non parents, it's just that I had no interest in the most important thing in their lives. There was no drama, I just saw less and less of them until I no longer saw them at all.

Sometimes it's easier to do this - you don't want to share your life with people who aren't interested in your family, they don't want to share their lives with someone who has to have their DH/DD in tow.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

And in the nicest possible way, some people are boring about their single life, some people are boring about their life as a mother. If you don't want to see them without your DD/DH, then you change the dynamic.

[EverySongbirdSays]

As the childless friend I think YABU/YANBU I love being with my friends kids but also want to still have "adult time" with my friends too, and it can be all consuming.

Lots of people when they have their first behave as though no-one has ever had a child before.

Your child is only really massively interesting to you/unique to you and your Mum/his Mum

As annoying as it is that your friends don't "get" motherhood, it's equally annoying/upsetting/cruel to suddenly be cast aside and rejected because you can't relate to cracked nipples, offer sleep suggestions or be an option for emergency childcare.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

It also depends on whether they like children. I don't particularly so I didn't want to spend time with my friends and their children - I think mum's can (understandably) forget that their child isn't everyone's cup of tea.

It's easier now I'm older as none of my friends are doing the PFB, they already have at least one if they are having any at all.

[EverySongbirdSays]

Having re-read your OP I do wonder that although you were EBF you couldn't ever leave her AT ALL to go out with them??


There's the problem right there. What was cute became incredibly grating

[mickeygoseek]

For the record, I don't suggest to them that I take DH and DD. That would be weird. The issue there was that I hadn't seen them for a while but had seen a mutual friend and her DH/DC and comments were made along the lines of "I thought you were busy...." and I tried to explain that I had met them as I could take DH and DD too. DH can be a bit precious about weekends so that's another issue. It would be nice for them to see DD at some point though as it has been more than a year now.

[Obsidian77]

I found this very hard. I think people who don't have kids don't appreciate the huge range of changes, both emotional and practical, that take place when you have small children.
You're exhausted, probably broke and frankly a lot of the time you don't want to go back to the social life you had before kids. Also, when your baby is small you might well feel terrible about leaving them and fidget when you're out. Not to mention the awkwardness of actually leaking milk.
You're just not on the same page as many of your friends who don't have kids and it takes compromise from both sides to keep your friendship alive.
There was a thread a month or so back titled "AIBU to think having kids doesn't absolve you of your responsibility towards your friends?" or similar. I thought the op in that case lacked a bit of empathy but it got me thinking.
Some of the people who were most scathing about how boring I had become after having kids turned out to be having problems ttc. I never consciously rabbited on about my kids but the thing about being at home with babies is that your world becomes very very narrow. I envied what I saw as their carefree lives and they envied the life that I had and grumbled about. Ultimately you have to decide how much your friendships mean and how much effort you want to put into keeping them going at a time when you're at different stages in your life.

[mickeygoseek]

EverySongbirdSings Hindsight is a wonderful thing. DD fed all the time because I was there all the time. It was constant and I felt like I couldn't leave or she'd somehow starve. First time mum with a PFB and all that. Maybe I'll be a bit less precious with DD2. Maybe DH will be more confident about me not being there.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

It would be nice for them to see DD at some point though as it has been more than a year now

Nice for whom? They obviously aren't bothered (like I said upthread, if you aren't into children then they can appear dull), presumably your DD is too young to care either way?

If they weren't keen when you had one child, I can pretty much guarantee that when you have two (particularly when one is a toddler) you won't see them for dust. But that's fine - its just the way it goes.

[choli]

It would be nice for them to see DD at some point though as it has been more than a year now.

Have they said that it would be nice to see DD at some point, or do you mean it would be nice for you to show them DD? Not everyone is as fascinated with babies as their parents are.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

I think keeping in touch will just delay the inevitable.

And the fact that you think it would be nice for them to see your DD implies that you aren't prepared to have a relationship with them like you had before so just go your separate ways.

No fault, no drams

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

*drama

[PanGalaticGargleBlaster]

I found this very hard. I think people who don't have kids don't appreciate the huge range of changes, both emotional and practical, that take place when you have small children.

I think most people accept that having kids is a massive game changer and will be sympathetic to that. They might not be aware of all the day to day nuts and bolts of parenting but they appreciate you can't do many social things without a lot of notice or planning. Equally, despite that acknowledgement, they are not terribly interested in your parenting woes either, that's not to mean they don't care, but they have their own lives and problems to navigate and talking about other peoples kids is phenomenally dull.

[EverySongbirdSays]

It would be nice for them to see DD at some point though as it has been more than a year now.

Why?

Does she miss them terribly and ask where they are?

I have a friend, her DH ALWAYS has to come. I love my friend it's annoying as all hell. It's not normal to ALWAYS have to be with your child and if he won't have the child by himself that sounds :

a) controlling
b) strategic incompetence

he's playing on your reluctance to leave her

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

TBH the comment and your subconscious use of 'mummy friends' does make you look as if you define yourself purely as a mother rather than a person that they were friends with

[PurpleDaisies]

I found this very hard. I think people who don't have kids don't appreciate the huge range of changes, both emotional and practical, that take place when you have small children.

It really pisses me off that this chestnut always cones out on this sort of thread. No one would say that all mums behave a certain way but people without children are always painted as being totally clueless about what it might be like to be a parent. Obviously none of us have close friends or relative who we actually listen to when they're struggling. We're probably all to busy out getting wasted every night..,

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

Exactly Purple

The other chestnut is 'wait til they have children' -the fact that they may not want them or they can't have them seems to be overlooked.

[Obsidian77]

Pan you're not wrong but iyswim there's a big difference between accepting a concept (my friend has a small baby) and actually getting how this means she's less available to you.
And I don't expect anyone to be interested in my parenting woes but I got frustrated by how friends didn't understand that I hadn't been to this cool new bar or seen any films that came out recently etc.
Perhaps I'm being unreasonable but I felt as though I understood their stresses and dramas; relationship worries, office politics etc as I had also experienced it, whereas they had no idea what my life was like. Then obviously if you try to explain it, you come across as a boring mum babbling about her kids. So I did gravitate towards other parents. I think both sides can easily feel hurt.

[GDarling]

You know what, if friends are good friends, it really doesn't matter if you have 7 or no kids, married or not, 1 titty or 3!!!
A friend is a friend no matter what changes in their lives.
I have school friends that are still good friends and we have all had changes in our lives at different times.
I think that really you would like to go out with them, but you can't handle that they are free to do adult things, no one to tell them that they can or can't do...understandable!!
They do still have a single life, maybe a hubby/partner and probably a full time job, but unless they have an animal to look after, they can do as they please.
Do you have to talk about your children, or is that all you have to talk about???
If so... Mix with other people who have kids, then you can chat happily all day.

[Obsidian77]

Purple sorry to piss you off. Was talking about my situation and experiences, didn't intend for you to take it personally.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

why does there need to be so much angst?

If you are close friends, you make it work.

If you find that you no longer have anything in common, you walk away.

[TaterTots]

My parents tell me every tiny, mind-numbinv detail of what my three year-old niece says and does. I live her dearly and love hearing about the milestones (first day at nursery etc.), but am simply not fascinated by the day that she like her yoghurt yesterday.

[mickeygoseek]

obsidian yes to being broke! That's an awkward one. I'm a sahp and we're down to just DH's salary. I don't have their income anymore but I don't like to highlight that.

I suppose I'd like them to see the most important thing in my life occasionally but, yes, maybe they just aren't interested in her. I don't ask them to and they don't offer so I won't push it. I'm interested in their lives but, no, I can't make them interested in mine.

livia I've probably seen them 5 or 6 times this year and each time has been doing normal, lovely, adult things. I have tried to do what I have done before (minus the big boozy nights out). I haven't asked them to do anything involving DD but I'd like them to know her but I'll accept that isn't going to happen. At the same time, they'd see more of me if they did want to know her.

I think I'll probably back off a bit, no drama or anything. I'm very non-confrontational anyway plus they haven't done anything wrong. Hopefully our paths will cross more in the future.

everysongbird Definitely not controlling but he isn't the most confident parent - quite anxious really. He needs more of a nudge than I've given him. I don't think it's deliberate.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

I'm glad you are backing off.

If people aren't keen on children then the baby/toddler stage often is the time they are least likely to want to be involved