AIBU to stop seeing childless friends?

[mickeygoseek]

Not all childless friends, just this group!

I have a small group of friends from a previous job. They were a large part of my social life for several years and we were very close for a time. However, a lot changed when I had DD.

First of all, I ebf DD which left me unable to leave her. I couldn't go on nights out etc which I was fine with. My friends visited when DD was a few weeks old and I met up with them for lunches on a couple of occasions when DD was small. As she got a little older - probably around 5/6 months - they tolerated her less and less and were noticably annoyed if I had to split my attention between them and her while we were out.

My DD didn't feed to a schedule and she was a very reluctant weaner so I didn't leave her at all until she was nearly 1. At that time, I started to go out on my own again (yay!) and saw them occasionally for meals, shopping trips etc. I was very careful to not talk about DD a lot and I asked them about their lives - I was genuinely interested and loved hearing about what they'd been up to. I couldn't really go out drinking the way I used to as 1) I was still bf in the morning 2) I didn't want a hangover with a child to look after and 3) I just didn't want to. They would occasionally ask after DD but showed no enthusiasm for seeing her which was fine but then I'd get snide comments about how I'm always "too busy" yet I've seen X and Y. Yes, because X and Y like to socialise with DH and DD so we can all do something together. There were also "Oh we saw one of your mummy friends tagged you on facebook and you'd been out with them...." Yes, on a Wed morning when you're all at work!

Fast forward a year and I'm pregnant again and it has been a really bad pregnancy - worse than last time. I've cancelled plans with them - I've cancelled plans with lots of people! Again, there have been snide comments about me seeing mummy friends. I look after my DD M-F while DH works so it has often been easier to meet up with mummy friends since I have to entertain DD anyway. Evenings and weekends DH has taken over to let me rest and I haven't been up to seeing anyone when I haven't had to.

I understand that I'm the one who has changed what AIBU to distance myself (more than I already have)?

[Waltermittythesequel]

My childless friends keep me sane.

They remind me of who I am. I get to be Walter, not X,Y and Z's mummy.

I so appreciate them and the variety they bring to my life.

It can be very easy to become that woman who is only a mother. There are loads of them around and not one of them is remotely interesting.

[notgivingin789]

Really OP?

I have more childless friends than friends with children. This could be because I go on a lot of courses. I do have friends with children; but we hang out a lot less, lack of babysitting and understandably we are busy!

The childless friends that I have are interested in mine and DS life and have been recently supportive when DS was diagnosed with SEN. Anytime we are planning to go out anywhere, they always suggest child friendly places so that DS can come along too. They even practically force me to take DS out with us; but I say no as I want my break .

[EverySongbirdSays]

I'm like you bananafish I've literally been told I'm not invited to things because "it's just mums and kids, you wouldn't enjoy yourself"

I was gutted

Yes it was a kids birthday, but it was my best mates kid!

[bananafish81]

Just to offer a counterpoint, as someone who is suffering involuntary childlessness (infertility and miscarriage) I feel much the same but in reverse. I feel edged out because all my friends have kids and are part of a club I can't join. Their social lives understandably revolve around get togethers with their new NCT friends and other mum friends, and play dates with kids from nursery / friends in our social circle with kids. I happily bend over backwards to fit into their lives - I don't expect to be able to have the leisurely branches we used to have, or a quick after work drink, of course not. Their lives are completely different now they have kids. It's just that their lives don't really accommodate a random mate who doesn't have kids. I can't rock up to an NCT coffee morning as the token barren. I can come to their kid's birthday party, but I can't rock up to the umpteen parties they go to every other weekend for nursery mates, without appearing like some kind of paedo

I realise this isn't your situation, but just to say that it's not always sunshine and roses on the other side of the fence

[MargaretCavendish]

It's no different to that friend listening to you talk about your work and some person at the office.

Among my non-work friends this is also considered pretty boring discussion. I have lots of work friends to talk to about work (I'm an academic), my not-work friends know very little about my working life. I reckon my best friend could hazard a guess at the subject of the book I'm currently working on, but I wouldn't be surprised (or care) if not. I couldn't name a single one of her colleagues. I would not socialise with someone who talked at length about 'Jane from accounts'. Surely this isn't unusual?

[Mittensonastring]

I have DC but actually understand why people are not at all interested in hanging out with other people's DC especially when they are babies.

Myself and a couple of friends had DC at similar times but good grief the changes in them, they became consumed by motherhood and talked about nothing else. I remember my 40th birthday by which time it was nursery and primary school starting time. They still talked about their DC only.

Our DC are all teenagers now and we still see each other but just don't hang out like we used to at all. There was no drama, one reverted back to being her but one is still living only through her DC, her marriage is shit, I almost guarantee a divorce when her DC leave home. I'm not saying you are consumed by motherhood just that this is an observation of an obsessive mother I know.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

I found this very hard. I think people who don't have kids don't appreciate the huge range of changes, both emotional and practical, that take place when you have small children.

Agh that gem.

People that have children don't realise that not everyone else wants to hear every minute detail of their lives.

Works both ways.

[Only1scoop]

I've got a DC and don't relate to this at all. But then I've never surrounded myself with hardcore mum friends as talking babies, even about your own is as boring as it gets IMO.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

Any argument starting 'speaking as a.......' has an element of judging - look at me, I'm about to put you all right.

[EdmundCleverClogs]

Speaking as a parent I know what you mean about childless friends. Their lives are naturally quite different from ours and I speak with no judgement

I find it ironic that anyone says they don't judge their friends over children, yet use the phrase 'speaking as a parent', and saying childless instead of child-free.

To some, children are just not interesting. I wasn't at all interested before having my own, and quite frankly I still couldn't hold full blown, hours long, chats about them (I've avoided groups and 'mummy friends' for just this reason).

We love our kids, to us they are the most funny, interesting things in the world. They aren't to others though, and that's ok (though no reason to be rude, general chats about home life is the norm in most friendships). If you feel you don't share anything to talk about with friends, by all means cool the relationship - happens in many friend groups for many a reason. Don't blame your friends for not being interested in a different lifestyle though, you are just in different places in life.

[DrLockhart]

I see both sides of this.

Pre-DC, I was a great friend to several family member and friends who had babies. I listened to them, got to know their children, baby sat and never found the discussions boring. That's being a true friend (OP seriously think about this, friends genuinely should have an interest in you).

At the same time, post-DC most of my friends without children stuck around but not all, some dwindled off, probably effort on both sides but mainly due to location (40mile away)

I maintained a balance of who I was. I not only be ame a mother but I continued to be a professional worker, sports enthusiast, volunteer, Christian, wife, mother, sister, aunt and friend etc.

Meeting up with some friends who are parents now (those that weren't before) they don't have anything to talk about other than their children.

It occasionally feels like they've lost their identity.

My DM gave me advice when I was growing up which was to always have a hobby and volunteer time where you can.

By doing this, I feel I didn't just become "a mum" when I had DD and didn't work, I still had other things going on in my life that I could talk about.

OP - I have cut people out of my life when the friendship becomes too hard and if I'm worrying about it more than I should. Could you confide in one of them to let them know that the digs / comments are hurtful as is their lack of interest in your life?

[FunkinEll]

I have a few friends without children and in the early days of having children it is hard because small children take a lot of time and effort.

As the children get older I find it much easier to rekindle those relationships and shot them as much as I did before kids.

My advice would be to keep in touch but not meet up. They don't understand- not because they're not nice people but because they haven't been there.

[cosmicglittergirl]

You might find that the situation organically sorts itself. As your children get older and you are more available the friendship may pick back up, or not. There is a period of 'being in the wilderness' when you're feeding or pregnant and I saw a good deal less of my friends for a while, some who have kids, some who don't. Now my children are older and I'm back at work it has evened out.

[aurynne]

"All the people on here going on about how dull it is to hear about children are exactly the problem. It's not your friend's children you're hearing about, it's your friend and what she/he does every day and how that makes her/him feel. It's no different to that friend listening to you talk about your work and"

"I would find it really weird if someone wanted to be my friend and showed no interest in the most important aspect of my life."

With the utmost respect, listening to someone talking about work, hobbies and holidays is usually interesting. You can learn about what they do and there is usually lots of variety in the conversation, plus the opportunity for everyone else to chime in with similar stories.

Life with babies/toddlers is usually mind-numblingly boring, samey stuff. A true friend will listen and feign interest, but most times she/he will find nothing stimulating in hearing about breastfeeding problems, crying, sleeping, peeing and pooing, teeth coming out and toilet-training. We do really understand it is the most important thing in your life, but as far as important things go, this particular one is not in the "fascinating" list of almost any people who are not themselves going through it.

Your baby is the most important person in your life. Your friend has known you and likes and respects you and will recognise how important your baby is, however a baby is a different person (no matter how much you feel it is part of yourself) and it is not your friend's friend. My friend's children are their own people. They are not my friends. Same with my friends' partners, or my in-laws. They may be an important part of my friends' lives, but they are not my friends themselves.

So yes, if you were in a group of single friends and you enjoyed the dynamic, and suddenly your life and dynamic changes, then I would not be surprised that you are not part of that group anymore. They may become a different group once some of them choose to have children (if they do), or you may find you are more attracted to some of them and start a different group. But expecting the whole group to change their dynamic to adapt to your new life is a bit naive.

[Flowerpower41]

Speaking as a parent I know what you mean about childless friends. Their lives are naturally quite different from ours and I speak with no judgement.

Just try and keep them in your life but hopefully they will lower their expectations of your availability vis a vis theirs. If they can't then being as they are recent work colleagues i.e. not a long term friend then it may be more sensible to let them go.

Childless friends are still very interesting despite not getting the understanding in certain respects in terms of having children.

I still have a few childless friends and find them interesting to talk to but quite naturally I can't see them very regularly as our priorities are different. Like I say I don't find them limiting like many parents can become so it can be refreshing to keep a few of them in our lives!

[TheSparrowhawk]

If you have no interest in seeing the child of a supposedly close friend then you're a really shit friend IMO. Friends are supposed to be interested in each other's lives.

[ProfessorPreciseaBug]

Now pushing 60 we are a long way past the children age and we don,t have any, medical issues.

When we were at the childbearing age it was difficult. All our friends centred their lives around their children and we were not part of that circle. In short we slowly, actually not so slowly, drifted apart. We always understood it was natural. Having children is a huge part of your life and so it should be.

Now our friends from many years ago are more free to come out and play. The only trouble is that we never grew up and evefyone else is sooooo responsible. Actually, we get on better with their children...

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

It's pretty normal to be permanently attached to a breastfed baby. My LO wouldn't take a bottle so I was his only food source for some time.

All the people on here going on about how dull it is to hear about children are exactly the problem. It's not your friend's children you're hearing about, it's your friend and what she/he does every day and how that makes her/him feel. It's no different to that friend listening to you talk about your work and some person at the office. They don't care about Jane in accounts, but they do care how she makes you feel.

My closest friends have decided not to have children, while I have a toddler and baby twins. They ask about the children and show what I believe to be a genuine interest in my life. They are close to my children because they are close to me. That said I also have an interest in them and am very capable (sleep deprivation aside) of conversing about topics other than children and motherhood.

I would find it really weird if someone wanted to be my friend and showed no interest in the most important aspect of my life. I'd have to wonder if they really did want to know me at all or just wanted someone to talk about themselves to.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

I'm glad you are backing off.

If people aren't keen on children then the baby/toddler stage often is the time they are least likely to want to be involved

[mickeygoseek]

obsidian yes to being broke! That's an awkward one. I'm a sahp and we're down to just DH's salary. I don't have their income anymore but I don't like to highlight that.

I suppose I'd like them to see the most important thing in my life occasionally but, yes, maybe they just aren't interested in her. I don't ask them to and they don't offer so I won't push it. I'm interested in their lives but, no, I can't make them interested in mine.

livia I've probably seen them 5 or 6 times this year and each time has been doing normal, lovely, adult things. I have tried to do what I have done before (minus the big boozy nights out). I haven't asked them to do anything involving DD but I'd like them to know her but I'll accept that isn't going to happen. At the same time, they'd see more of me if they did want to know her.

I think I'll probably back off a bit, no drama or anything. I'm very non-confrontational anyway plus they haven't done anything wrong. Hopefully our paths will cross more in the future.

everysongbird Definitely not controlling but he isn't the most confident parent - quite anxious really. He needs more of a nudge than I've given him. I don't think it's deliberate.

[TaterTots]

My parents tell me every tiny, mind-numbinv detail of what my three year-old niece says and does. I live her dearly and love hearing about the milestones (first day at nursery etc.), but am simply not fascinated by the day that she like her yoghurt yesterday.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

why does there need to be so much angst?

If you are close friends, you make it work.

If you find that you no longer have anything in common, you walk away.

[Obsidian77]

Purple sorry to piss you off. Was talking about my situation and experiences, didn't intend for you to take it personally.

[GDarling]

You know what, if friends are good friends, it really doesn't matter if you have 7 or no kids, married or not, 1 titty or 3!!!
A friend is a friend no matter what changes in their lives.
I have school friends that are still good friends and we have all had changes in our lives at different times.
I think that really you would like to go out with them, but you can't handle that they are free to do adult things, no one to tell them that they can or can't do...understandable!!
They do still have a single life, maybe a hubby/partner and probably a full time job, but unless they have an animal to look after, they can do as they please.
Do you have to talk about your children, or is that all you have to talk about???
If so... Mix with other people who have kids, then you can chat happily all day.

[Obsidian77]

Pan you're not wrong but iyswim there's a big difference between accepting a concept (my friend has a small baby) and actually getting how this means she's less available to you.
And I don't expect anyone to be interested in my parenting woes but I got frustrated by how friends didn't understand that I hadn't been to this cool new bar or seen any films that came out recently etc.
Perhaps I'm being unreasonable but I felt as though I understood their stresses and dramas; relationship worries, office politics etc as I had also experienced it, whereas they had no idea what my life was like. Then obviously if you try to explain it, you come across as a boring mum babbling about her kids. So I did gravitate towards other parents. I think both sides can easily feel hurt.