How to handle this awkward situation... Mother, DH and house....

[FantaFoo]

Ok so here is the background DM has helped out with childcare for the past couple of years, 1 day a week in school time. We've been extremely grateful and throughout this time we've always helped out with her and DFs jobs around the house, shopping, looking after house and dog when away etc etc. It's just been a typical family thing!
Now DM and DF have just got a big extension on their house, it needs floors laying, plastering and decorating throughout, as well as a replacement of the kitchen. DH is very capable of all these things - its what he does as a self employed person. DM and DF are now expecting DH to do all this work without any pay as a payback favour for the childcare. I'm a bit taken back by this as 1) I didn't realise they were counting up the hours for repayment - I've never had an issue with helping them out etc but this is something else? 2) It'll take DH about a month of work, on his own - no help, that means a month of him not earning and we can't really afford that and turning down other jobs from regualr customers, 3) I dislike the expectation and pressure on DH when they didn't ever ask just presumed. When I tried to gently raise it they said we owed them and when DH offered to put in time at weekends if they brought in other people to do big jobs they said we were ungrateful.
DM has always been a bit tricky but I feel like this could lead to a family fallout... I know they've been good to us, and I want to return the favour, but genuinely can't afford it at the moment!

[TheLastHeatwave]

Her DH doesn't need to do one day a week! These Grandparents ASKED to have their GC one day a week, they cannot suddenly decide they want 'paying for it' - which is exactly what it amounts to.

The OP & her DH have done loads to help her parents out too.

Nothing more needs done.

[AtSea1979]

Has your DH got full time work? Could he fit in a couple of days a week? Or is he flat out?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

If they helped out 1 day a week term time for 2 years, that's 52 - 13 X 2 = 78 times. However, childminding hourly rate is a lot lower than your dh will be paid. Then of course you helped them out around the house. So I'd tot these things up at an hourly rate of the same for dogs/looking after house, then the going rate for your dh.

Itemise all of this down. Then write them a cheque for the remaining balance as your contribution toward the work.

They've really seriously burned some bridges.

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

She can think it's happening as much as she wants. Tell them in no uncertain terms that your DH is NOT doing this so they need to make alternative plans. Don't ask them for a single thing again, and be wary of any offers of them wanting to see your DS, no doubt it will get brought up when they want something else doing. YADNBU, they are being given utterly ridiculous.

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

Oh and even if your DH did have a spare day a week or whatever, I still wouldn't do it because of how presumptuous and rude they have been about it.

[TyneTeas]

So how would they be proposing the alleged 'childcare time debt' was repaid if you or he were an office-worker or crane-driver or a phlebotomist or social worker or bus-driver etc...?

[NorksAreMessy]

I am giggling at phlebotomist paying back childcare by regular blood letting

"OHHHHH, I still owe you six blood tests, we must get around to that soon"

[ENormaSnob]

This is disgusting.

You need to be upfront and blunt about this.

I honestly just cannot comprehend on anyone, let alone your mother, would think this normal or reasonable

[FantaFoo]

Yes DH works full time and is expected to cancel most of october (already booked) and a bit of nov to accommodate.
Thing is with DM she gets more caught up in the argument and being right than 'what is right' if you get what I mean. she is lovely, but once she gets going she is like stopping a steam train!!!
Dh has said he's not doing it so that's that but I just know I'll be caught in the middle!
I did speak to DB tonight who says he'll try and talk to her.

[CoolCarrie]

TyneTeas ! That is a beauty! 😉😃 Sorry your dm has done this to you, OP.
Some people, like your parents, and mine just don't have a clue about stuff like this. My dm wanted me to scrub all the carpets in their house, on my hands & knees, then got very uppy because I hired a carpet cleaner machine instead!

[NemosMum21]

I know you say that your DM has always been a bit tricky, but there seems to be a complete lack of empathy here. Is she well, or is there other behaviour which is a little odd? If it's how she has always been, then just tell her you can't afford it and offer DH's help for a few hours at the weekend, which is normal family behaviour, as is offering to help out with childcare 1 day a week. If it is out of character, or more extreme insistence, consider whether she is becoming unwell.

[Gazelda]

What's an average monthly income for your DH?

Tell DM and DF that figure, and remind them that they're effectively asking the two of you to give them that amount of money. As well as lose customer goodwill.

Tell them that you understood they looked after DS because they wanted to, now that you realise they were doing it as a barter tool, that you cannot afford for them to have him.

Ask them if they really want you to tot up the value of the favours you've done them, and the childcare costs they've saved you.

Tell them how sad you are that the relationship has broken down so unhappily, it surely cannot be repaired.

[FantaFoo]

Nemo - it had crossed my mind, she has gotten progressively odd in her behaviour but overall its sort of normal, just more pronounced. I think it is more her lack of understanding at DH's work-life that is probably the issue here.

[ijustwannadance]

Just out of curiosity, was your DM a housewife or did she work? You say they have never struggled money wise but she doesn't really seem to grasp that your DH has to work and already has paying clients lined up.

[pictish]

I hope your db is able to talk some sense into her then. Refuse to argue about this any more. Unless she can back down and dare I say it, apologise, do not engage. Her demand is outrageous and her method highly manipulative. She is a bad lady. She owes you both one fuck ton of an apology.

[FantaFoo]

No Ijustwanna DM has never had to work, she and DF inherited quite a bit and never have had to have a mortgage etc, DF has always worked Not mega rich but certainly comfortable..
Incidentally they offered to give us money to buy a house but we politely refused - maybe that was our mistake!!

[Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016]

So they have been using their gc to gain free labour?
Charmers.

[Xmasbaby11]

You must feel so let down - that is a really unpleasant attitude for your parents to take. They must be used to your DH doing so much and not realise it is such a big, unreasonable request.

I think I'd offer something, a day here or there or whatever to fit in around existing jobs, if it's possible, and help them to plan who is doing the rest. Maybe offer to do certain jobs and then recommend someone to do the rest of the work.

It does beggar belief but I do think some people fail to understand how self employment works, i.e. if you don't do paying work, you don't get paid.

[summercoldssuck]

My exh had issues like this with family wanting work done for free/mates rates. He was happy to do it in the evening/at weekends/low spells in his normal work but rightly said that if they expected him to decline full paying work the they had to pay full rate. Needless to say it did cause massive rows and I got the blame for most of it which is part of why he is my exh!

On my experience people like your mum are utterly clueless about the real world. I assume your dad has/had a good job that afforded her the life of a homemaker because it is exceptionally common for that generation to behave like this.

I would just keep saying no, you will not be turning away full paying work. If she expects him to spend all working hours for that time on her house then she can pay the going rate same as any other customer.

[ijustwannadance]

Thought as much. Thats why she has no clue. She probably assumes as your DH is self employed he can just take time off whenever he feels like and make it up later.

It's a good job you didn't take the money to buy a house, just imagine what she would've expected in return!

[StStrattersOfMN]

I agree with Nemos, getting weird about money, and being argumentative was one of the first signs with DMIL that there was something wrong - it was the early stages of Alzheimer's

[magoria]

we've always helped out with her and DFs jobs around the house, shopping, looking after house and dog when away etc etc

Work out all this and tell her how time you are not charging her for.

Then bluntly tell her if DH doesn't work he doesn't get paid, your bills don't get paid or you don't eat on one salary.

[george1020]

I think the only way around it all is to work out childcare costs for once a week for however long they have been doing the childcare and pay that amount to them.
It may take a while to pay it all back but at least that way you are not beholden to them.
It's shit they are not thinking about it as them spending time with their DGC but it sounds like they are so intent on what they think is right that they are not even thinking clearly.

You won't ever win the argument so you need to take yourself out of the situation and not get involved so new childcare arrangements if you need them again, pay money back, only help them out if it is convenient for you and you and DH feel like it.

[LittleBeautyBelle]

Whoa! Tell them your dh can't afford to work for nothing. Can't believe they're holding over your heads them spending time with your DC!

[ImperialBlether]

They can't compare asking to see their grandchild once a week (both gps taking care of her) with your husband giving up his job for a month and working on their house!