How to handle this awkward situation... Mother, DH and house....

[FantaFoo]

Ok so here is the background DM has helped out with childcare for the past couple of years, 1 day a week in school time. We've been extremely grateful and throughout this time we've always helped out with her and DFs jobs around the house, shopping, looking after house and dog when away etc etc. It's just been a typical family thing!
Now DM and DF have just got a big extension on their house, it needs floors laying, plastering and decorating throughout, as well as a replacement of the kitchen. DH is very capable of all these things - its what he does as a self employed person. DM and DF are now expecting DH to do all this work without any pay as a payback favour for the childcare. I'm a bit taken back by this as 1) I didn't realise they were counting up the hours for repayment - I've never had an issue with helping them out etc but this is something else? 2) It'll take DH about a month of work, on his own - no help, that means a month of him not earning and we can't really afford that and turning down other jobs from regualr customers, 3) I dislike the expectation and pressure on DH when they didn't ever ask just presumed. When I tried to gently raise it they said we owed them and when DH offered to put in time at weekends if they brought in other people to do big jobs they said we were ungrateful.
DM has always been a bit tricky but I feel like this could lead to a family fallout... I know they've been good to us, and I want to return the favour, but genuinely can't afford it at the moment!

[ZippyNeedsFeeding]

My husband is in the building trade and we have had similar demands from my parents (not that they have ever provided anything remotely like childcare). Never on this scale though.
it isn't as if their roof is about to fall in and they can't get someone in to make it safe quickly enough. This sounds like something they want and have decided that OP's husband should facilitate. Like my parents' bastard conservatory.
Just say no, rinse and repeat. If you really feel you need to explain, say the bookings have been made for that month and the contracts signed.

[NotMyMoney]

I help my family out when needed but they wouldnt ever ask me not to work for a month. I'm not going to say times are harder now than they used to be but not many people can afford a month of no income, I know I can't and it would also seem the OP can't. I would tell your DM how much you need your DM income and that's only because she's your mother and it seems like she's doesn't understand that two wages are needed.

[stonecircle]

My mum became gradually emotionally detached as her dementia took hold. Before she was diagnosed we had all sorts of incidents where she took a strange and stubborn stance on things. Dsis and I helped her move somewhere more suitable after df died - at huge financial and personal expense to us. When a big bill had to be paid on one occasion she insisted we split it 3 ways as she couldn't afford it on her own and we were responsible for her moving.... After she died we discovered she had well over £100k in the bank whilst we'd scraped our last pennies together to help her move.

But with hindsight, she was like that because of dementia.

[StatisticallyChallenged]

Violet seems to make a habit of being contrary.


They can't just get a new extension then demand he takes 4+ weeks off work to finish it for them. They're not asking him to go in evening and weekends and do some painting and bits and bods. They're asking him to lose thousands of pounds so he can lay floors, fit a kitchen, plumb and decorate throughout. That's not "helping out family", that's bonkers.

[summercoldssuck]

Violet have you actually read the thread???

Op and her DH are happy to help at weekends but her parents expect her DH to work full time on their house for 6 weeks to the exclusion of all other work and then not charge.

I suggest you learn to read before you attack the op

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

Choldcare is (rightly or wrongly) much cheaper than labour plus materials. Tally up - your Dh could do a couple of days worth for them as a goodwill gesture repayment.

[Bogeyface]

In my family we help each other.

What we dont do is demand that someone gives up a months worth of work and salary so they can work for us for free.

And your DH did it in evenings and weekends, he didnt give up his paid work to do it did he, which is what the OPs parents are expecting her DH to do?

[PovertyPain]

Well Tyne if he were a palaeontologist I'm sure he'd have offered to date any bones they dug up had that been required. In my family we all help one another.

The problem is, these parents would expect the OP's DH to dig the bones up, plant a garden on top, then date the bones.

[PovertyPain]

Good for your husband, Violet, but they expect OP's DH to do all the work and aren't willing to accept him working at the weekend. It's also the assumption that they are owed this work in return for looking after their GC, who, bty, they asked to look after. The OP and her DH have already helped them out with stuff, maybe they should start demanding payment for that.

[MargotLovedTom]

The OP has helped her parents out!

You find it hard to believe that OP thinks it's unreasonable - what about the fact that just about every other on this person on this thread agrees it's unreasonable? Doesn't that tell you something?

[VioletBam]

Well Tyne if he were a palaeontologist I'm sure he'd have offered to date any bones they dug up had that been required. In my family we all help one another.

[TyneTeas]

But violetbam what would he have offered or would have been expected had he been a paleontologist or a tax-inspector??

Surely the offering and favours aren't interdependent?

[VioletBam]

My DH is a painter and decorator as well as a carpenter. He would OFFER to do the work before he was asked if this was my Mum and Dad.

He decorated her entire house while working his own job by going there in the evening and on weekends.

Why? Not because she'd asked but because he wanted to....and because my Mum had in the past babysat for us often and given me many, many lifts to school and back in the winter.

I am a bit that you think it's unreasonable OP.

[Verbena37]

How awful for you and how mean of them. They've seen it as childcare when in actual fact, they are just grandparents looking after their grandchild.

I would just explain the maximum your DH can cope helping them with and then find alternative childcare. If they're funny say something like "we didn't realise seeing your grandchild was such a chore" and then source an alternative person once a week.

[ImperialBlether]

They can't compare asking to see their grandchild once a week (both gps taking care of her) with your husband giving up his job for a month and working on their house!

[LittleBeautyBelle]

Whoa! Tell them your dh can't afford to work for nothing. Can't believe they're holding over your heads them spending time with your DC!

[george1020]

I think the only way around it all is to work out childcare costs for once a week for however long they have been doing the childcare and pay that amount to them.
It may take a while to pay it all back but at least that way you are not beholden to them.
It's shit they are not thinking about it as them spending time with their DGC but it sounds like they are so intent on what they think is right that they are not even thinking clearly.

You won't ever win the argument so you need to take yourself out of the situation and not get involved so new childcare arrangements if you need them again, pay money back, only help them out if it is convenient for you and you and DH feel like it.

[magoria]

we've always helped out with her and DFs jobs around the house, shopping, looking after house and dog when away etc etc

Work out all this and tell her how time you are not charging her for.

Then bluntly tell her if DH doesn't work he doesn't get paid, your bills don't get paid or you don't eat on one salary.

[StStrattersOfMN]

I agree with Nemos, getting weird about money, and being argumentative was one of the first signs with DMIL that there was something wrong - it was the early stages of Alzheimer's

[ijustwannadance]

Thought as much. Thats why she has no clue. She probably assumes as your DH is self employed he can just take time off whenever he feels like and make it up later.

It's a good job you didn't take the money to buy a house, just imagine what she would've expected in return!

[summercoldssuck]

My exh had issues like this with family wanting work done for free/mates rates. He was happy to do it in the evening/at weekends/low spells in his normal work but rightly said that if they expected him to decline full paying work the they had to pay full rate. Needless to say it did cause massive rows and I got the blame for most of it which is part of why he is my exh!

On my experience people like your mum are utterly clueless about the real world. I assume your dad has/had a good job that afforded her the life of a homemaker because it is exceptionally common for that generation to behave like this.

I would just keep saying no, you will not be turning away full paying work. If she expects him to spend all working hours for that time on her house then she can pay the going rate same as any other customer.

[Xmasbaby11]

You must feel so let down - that is a really unpleasant attitude for your parents to take. They must be used to your DH doing so much and not realise it is such a big, unreasonable request.

I think I'd offer something, a day here or there or whatever to fit in around existing jobs, if it's possible, and help them to plan who is doing the rest. Maybe offer to do certain jobs and then recommend someone to do the rest of the work.

It does beggar belief but I do think some people fail to understand how self employment works, i.e. if you don't do paying work, you don't get paid.

[Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016]

So they have been using their gc to gain free labour?
Charmers.

[FantaFoo]

No Ijustwanna DM has never had to work, she and DF inherited quite a bit and never have had to have a mortgage etc, DF has always worked Not mega rich but certainly comfortable..
Incidentally they offered to give us money to buy a house but we politely refused - maybe that was our mistake!!

[pictish]

I hope your db is able to talk some sense into her then. Refuse to argue about this any more. Unless she can back down and dare I say it, apologise, do not engage. Her demand is outrageous and her method highly manipulative. She is a bad lady. She owes you both one fuck ton of an apology.