to think this is weird

[GatherlyGal]

Dnephew is 14. Middle and apparent favourite DC of DBIL. Every time we see them at some point DNephew sits on his dad's knee (getting difficult what with him being 14) or stands beside his dad and DBIL tickles his arms and neck with the tips of his fingers. He does it while chatting to someone else so it doesn't exactly interrupt what's going on iyswim but once it starts it goes on for ages.
It makes ne feel quite queasy and I have to look away. Of course when he was a toddler it was cute but now it just looks so wrong. I don't care what happens at home but in a restaurant, cinema etc AIBU to find it odd?

[LassWiTheDelicateAir]

I think it's odd. 14 year old children don't usually sit on parents' knees.

I don't think this is just being affectionate. What you describe is nothing like giving a hug. And I don't think you are being weird.

[londonrach]

I think you finding it queasy is strAnge. My uncle used to sit on my grandads kneww until 1-5 ish at home. They just had a nice relationship. My uncle is a happily married man now.

[northernshepherdess]

I got a weird alert too.
But was abused in childhood so can be biased.
I don't know a 14 year old who would be happy with that tbh.

[CousinCharlotte]

I think it's weird too.

[Trifleorbust]

It is odd. Not wrong, but unusual.

[EdmundCleverClogs]

You say the 14 year old is the middle child - is there a large age gap at play e.g many years between him and youngest therefore competing to be the youngest?

[BadTasteFlump]

Yes it's a bit strange IMO. Once my sons got to 14 there's no way they'd want to sit in their dad's lap . Apart from anything else they would have squashed him...

We are still very huggy though, and we still tickle them - and there's nothing 'sensual' about it - what a load of bollocks

Is your DN generally a bit immature/babied? Maybe he's not hit puberty yet?

[EdmundCleverClogs]

I think it sounds odd. I had (have) a 'clingy' sibling, who would need lots of hugs, bed sharing etc. Even they wouldn't have sat on a parent's in inappropriate situations (and would have been told off if attempted, I'm sure). Sounds like the 14 is very babied.

[Waltermittythesequel]

Yeah, it is odd as in: it's very unusual and not what you'd see at all.

The people calling you weird are just being nasty for the hell of it.

14 year old's don't sit on laps to be stroked, generally speaking.

[ImAMorningPerson]

Hugging and kissing. Fine.

Sitting on his knee being stroked is something you'd do to your wife or GF, not your son who's adult size himself.

Cringe...

[topcat2014]

Recently saw Prince William on TV giving Duke of Ediburgh a kiss on the cheek - fair play I thought, although DofE looked a bit taken aback.

[ImAMorningPerson]

Ok I don't know any 14 year olds who would be OK doing this.

It is weird for me too OP.

[Laiste]

I think it's unusual too. For that age.

They're not a little kid any more. At 14 a kid should be encouraged to behave like the adults when out and about at restaurants ect. ie: sit on your own bloomin' chair not on a lap!

[treaclesoda]

OK, if it's stroking it would strike me as odd. I thought you meant tickling.

[jellycat1]

I had a weird reaction in my gut reading your posts describing it, so can only assume id find it weird to look at too.

[GatherlyGal]

It's totally different from hugging each other! I have no problem at all with people being affectionate with each other. Whatever anyone says it looks odd when he is on his dad's knee with his head down having his neck stroked. They are almost the same height.

It is stroking rather than tickling and it is hard to say why it makes me uncomfortable it just does. DH doesn't like it either and has made a comment before and BIL just moans that he's being judged (half jokingly) but he doesn't stop doing it.

I don't think there is anything sinister going on I just thing BIL is socially a bit awkward and doesn't realise it looks strange.

[RepentAtLeisure]

The thing is - why does it make you uneasy? Do you think there could be something darker going on? If it's just that they still have an affectionate relationship then YABU.

[LadyMoth]

I hate how these threads go sometimes OP - now you're being called weird and odd because you feel uncomfortable about it.

I agree it's inappropriate. Just because they are both keen doesn't mean it's a healthy dynamic - I agree that somewhere along the line between toddler and 14 DC naturally gradually pull away and healthy boundaries develop where sensual touching isn't something you do with a parent. It's silly asking exactly when that is - it's gradual. My DS is 11 and he's very clear now on the privacy he wants, I'm sure it can vary, but 14 is well into puberty.

We once had exP's colleague round with his family - we were all sitting around on sofas after lunch and he had his 13yo DD on his lap, then she lay down on his lap and he was stroking up and down her legs. It was awful and embarrassing and I didn't know where to look. If I was her mum I would definitely have been talking to him about that being inappropriate now, even if innocently.

I was sexually abused by my dad as a child and teenager, so yes I'm sensitive to this stuff and it probably makes my skin crawl more than most. That doesn't however mean it's OK and it's just me with the problem.

Sensual touching can be - no necessarily always - but it can be a precursor to more inappropriate stuff as it kind of keeps boundaries down and tests the water. If nothing else I'd be worried about a dad who doesn't seem to be aware how it might look.

[AcrossthePond55]

My DS2 is 27 and he and his dad still hug each other, even kiss on the cheek. Watching TV or walking one will often throw an arm around the other's shoulder. It warms my heart to see them so openly affectionate with each other.

I let them know you think they should stop.

[acasualobserver]

I think it's weird but that could just be my own upbringing/age/class/whatever talking.

[OurBlanche]

Exactly, Elsa

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

Seeing a father being affectionate towards his son as sensual is far weirder imo.

[VioletBam]

Elsa well it does matter really.

Tickling in a funny way...to make someone laugh is high energy and fun if both parties are up for it.

Tickling in a sensual way is weird for a boy of 14 in public!

[FluffyWuffyFuckYou]

It makes ne feel quite queasy and I have to look away. Of course when he was a toddler it was cute but now it just looks so wrong

So at what point did it become wrong? Age 5? ten? What?

You're weird.

[WorraLiberty]

It's certainly unusual

But really not worth giving this much thought to.