Or is my children's dad?

[NurseRoscoe]

We split up a year ago when our daughter was first born. He sees her and our two boys 2-3 days a week.

He now wants to put our 1 year old daughter into nursery, because she is apparently too clingy. I said I don't want to, I don't feel the need as my partner isn't working at the moment and looks after the kids when I'm at work, when they aren't with their dad so it's just pointless expense and I don't feel she's overly clingy just a normal 1 year old who likes attention,I like to spend one on one time with her when I'm not at work and her brothers are at school!

He says he will put her in if he wants to, ok fair enough he has equal rights to me, bit wanky as I would of thought he would want to spend time with her too but ok. However now he is asking me to pay half the nursery fees if he does! AIBU to tell him to fuck off?

[IveGotCheese]

Yanbu. Your ex needs to realise putting her in nursery will not stop the clinginess. I am a single mum and went back to work when DD was 9 months old and had to put her in nursery as I have no support from family or friends and her dad worked full time also so had no choice. She was clingy at that age and now she's nearly 3 and is even worse. If I leave the room to go to put a cup in the sink she will cry and run after me like I am abandoning her.

[CafeCremeEtCroissant]

If a child has an attachment to their parent this is a GOOD thing.

A parent who has a child two days a week & puts that child in nursery for the SOLE PURPOSE of trying to break that attachment INSTEAD of trying to form his own attachment is NOT a good parent.

This has NOTHING to do with two working parents using nursery out of necessity or the desire to work.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Stop contact over putting a child in nursery!?!?!

By that argument my kids should have been taken into care.

Don't put child into nursery on your time - absolutely - brilliant if you can manage it and work too.
Refuse to pay half for nursery you don't believe she needs - totally.
Offer to have her more hours in case it is just a case of your ex not wanting to look after her - yep - go for it!

But stopping contact?!!?

That is the type of thing that pisses judges off and means that when parents with genuine concerns about their children's safety stop contact then they are treated as though they are being vindictive.

[MumOnTheRunCatchingUp]

And tbh, my experience of going through the courts ( not opinion,experience) is that an absent parents thoughts are as valid as a resident parents

And attachments can be formed through children attending nursery!!! What a load of nonsense about having to be at home with a primary carer...... How on earth do you think these children of working parents manage?

[MumOnTheRunCatchingUp]

Yeah a judge has the right to stop/suspend/amend contact...... Not the other parent!!

No parent has that right

[CafeCremeEtCroissant]

Pointless in YOUR opinion.

I'd tell him that & if he enrolled her in nursery I'd stop contact. I'd force him to take me to court. Depending on the judge of the day they'd agree or disagree, but either way I'd have bought her more time at home with a primary caregiver. Many judges would agree because many people understand that babies are SUPPOSED to form attachment to their primary caregivers & would see this as a good thing, not something that needs 'sorting out' by being left in the care of others because the father is a fuckwit who thinks a baby shouldn't be attached to anyone. The father should be spending time with her & forming a bond with her, not giving her to others because he can't be arsed or thinks she needs to be more 'independent'. It is a CHILDS RIGHT to spend time with both parents, it's not a parents right to 'have them' and if one parent isn't acting in the child's best interest then the judge has a right & responsibility to stop the contact.

This isn't about nursery care, this is about a father who doesn't understand child development & isn't willing to listen or do the best for his DD.

[Arseicle]

It's my belief that babies are better off being looked after by their primary caregivers whenever possible & therefore I'd say 'No, she's not going to nursery. Either YOU look after her or we will'

You;d have no right to do that though, so pointless post.

[user1471438981]

I agree with cafe crème - it's an unpopular opinion on here but why leave your child alone with strangers in a nursery if you don't have to?
Alot of a child's mental health and happiness is based on the attachments they make at this age, and pandering to 'clinginess' can lead to a more secure, confident and independant child later on, as they have learned that they can depend on you, no matter what.
Stick to your guns, you know your daughter best OP, I'm sure you'll pick what's best for her.

[differentnameforthis]

All of this is 'non [sic] of our business' but you've put it out there anyway!! Op put it there in order to explain how come her partner looks after her children. The reason he doesn't work has no baring on the issue in the thread, and so op doesn't have to answer as to why he isn't working.

[contrary13]

I'm not sure I've read this correctly... your ex wants to put your 1 year old into nursery on his days with her, because she's "clingy" (which, as a PP has said, most children of that age are)?!

And he cheated on you whilst you were pregnant with her?

And he was in a new relationship just two days after your relationship ended, with - presumably - the OW?

Whilst you've stated that you enjoy spending one-on-one time with your 1 year old whilst her older brothers are in school... her father wants to put her into nursery, rather than do the same?

Does he have any form of relationship with your youngest, OP, or does he see her as a physical manifestation of his own guilt for having cheated on you whilst you were pregnant with her, I wonder...

YAmostdefinitelyNBU. But if I were you, I'd be quietly making sure that your 1 year old doesn't end up with a toxic biological father in their lives. Because if he's like this when she's little more than a baby - what the hell will he be like towards her when she's a toddler and tantrum throwing, or a stroppy pre-teen, or a hormonal teenager, or a young woman who still needs her father to actually step up and be one...?!

[differentnameforthis]

Sounds like daddy is finding the baby too hard to deal with!!

[CafeCremeEtCroissant]

It's my belief that babies are better off being looked after by their primary caregivers whenever possible & therefore I'd say 'No, she's not going to nursery. Either YOU look after her or we will'. Denying his child their primary caregivers to 'prove something' to the other parent is NOT putting her needs first & if he can't do that, he needs telling.

(Before this starts WW3 my opinion is that it's up to everyone to make their own decisions about working or being a SAHP. If someone hates being a SAHP then nursery is better, though personally I'd use a nanny for 1:1 care but in a situation where a child can be cared for by a primary carer who is willing to do so, I think it's preferable)

[MumOnTheRunCatchingUp]

All of this is 'non of our business' but you've put it out there anyway!!

[NurseRoscoe]

Yes he's not worried about my partner looking after them. On the contrary he asks my partner to collect them from him early when I'm at work sometimes. If it was the case that he was worried about that then I would have arranged something else

[NurseRoscoe]

Also with all due respect its not anyone's business why my partner isn't working at the moment. It's nothing to do with the thread

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

If he's not worried about your new partner looking after his dd, and it's just about the 'clingy-ness' (aka, normal toddler development) then yes, he's being very unreasonable.

[NurseRoscoe]

I only work two days a week too, sometimes they fall on his days sorry I didn't realise how much I was drip feeding

[NurseRoscoe]

And trust me it's nothing to do with my partner looking after her. He wants her to be in nursery on his days with her, not mine.

[friendshipstruggle]

1 year olds are supposed to be clingy. Sending her to nursery isn't going to do her any harm but if he's the one that wants it then he pays. I also suspect it's something to do with your partner looking after her though. I wouldn't like that one bit.

[NurseRoscoe]

My partner has been a friend for a long time, before we were in a relationship. He knows all my children well and he wants to look after the children rather than them be in childcare whilst I work, I've talked it through with him and it's his choice. Their dad was in a new relationship two days after we split having cheated on me whilst I was pregnant. I wouldn't mind her looking after the children if there was an emergency but because he doesn't have them very often I would obviously prefer their contact times be with their dad. I've got to know her and we get on fine. I know people will have their opinions on it and that's perfectly acceptable but it isn't what I was asking about. Thank you for all the replies

[NightWanderer]

Did the OP say her partner was a man?

[TytoAlba]

It looks like the real issue is the OP's recent new partner looking after the OP and ex-partner's 1 year old daughter while the OP is at work and ex-partner doesn't like that or is concerned about it. I'd probably feel the same way If I was the ex-partner tbh.

[MumOnTheRunCatchingUp]

Actually, I'd love to hear the other parents view on this. It's one of those threads

[MumOnTheRunCatchingUp]

New partner ( who doesn't work... Why!?)

Less than a year

Dad feels something is off.... Wants dd in nursery instead of this man caring for her

Bit of a red flag emerging here

I'll get shouted down for it I know, but I don't really care