Or is DH regarding distant family wedding?

[WeddingWoes101]

NC as this is outing. Very long and probably confusing.

Some background:
DFIL and DStepMumIL had very little contact with DSMIL’s sister, they didn’t get along when children, so they just stayed out of each others lives which is fair enough.
DSMIL’s sister has been regretting not making much of an effort as she is now all over them(last year or so), they humour her but keep her at arms length obviously still making the effort at family events etc.
DH’s 2 brothers all think DSMIL’s sister is a bit of a twit, only met her twice however in the 10 or so years DFIL and DSMIL have been married.

Anyway, DSMIL’s sister and new man are getting married soonish, DH’s brothers and partners are going, and our Niece and Nephew are flower girl/page boy at the wedding. We had decided once we got the invite back in June that we wouldn’t go, as DH wasn’t particularly bothered, it’s 2h30 mins drive there and also we have just bought a new house, so we didn’t really think we would have the money for hotel/drinks. It is during the week too and me and DH don’t have a lot of holiday left at work, so after DFIL raising concern that he was a little upset we weren’t going, we did discuss again but came to the same agreement, declined invitation and left it at that.

Since then we have been to a small family gathering where it was spoken about, so DH and I did discuss again whether it was worth going on the way home from said family event, but again came to the same conclusions, a lot of miles, didn’t have the money for the hotel and it wasn’t worth it as we don’t actually know them that well! Little sad to be missing out on seeing the rest of the family, but it wasn’t worth it for us.

Anyway, last night DH went to DFIL's for dinner, I was working late so unfortunately couldn’t make it. He’s come home and told me that he is now going to the wedding on his own. DFIL told him that his mother could no longer make it as she was having issues with her hip and struggling with walking etc. so she didn’t think it was suitable. So there is now another space at the wedding, and did DH want to go now before he told DSMIL’s Sister that his mother could no longer go. DH said yes, actually he could take the time off work, and since I have the most fuel efficient car, he would drop me at work, get my DM to pick me up after work to go to hers, and he would pick me up late that night on his way home from the wedding. Apparently he did ask if there was another seat for me, but as only one person was cancelling we couldn’t both go.

AIBU to be absolutely fuming by this? We spoke 3 or 4 times privately about the fact it just didn’t work to go, and a couple of times with DFIL and DSDMIL and declined the invitation. He’s come home and doesn’t understand why I’m pretty upset, the fact that he is going on his own now, therefore he has completely defied anything we ever decide together if his DFIL can persuade him otherwise.

[DementedUnicorn]

I can see your point a bit but it really wouldn't occur to me to be pissed off about it.

[4seasons]

Why does the fact that he can suddenly find the money to go , plus a day off from work have to inconvenience you ? Can't he travel to the wedding with his dad and stepmom ? It would save on petrol and he wouldn't have to take your car. Re the car .... I would not let him use my car. Tell him to use his van. Why should you be " organised " by him to suit what he now wants to do. Keep your car , go back to your own home after a day at work..... do what another poster suggested, buy wine, chocolate , DVD and a nice convenience meal .... then put your feet up . What's sauce for the goose ...... After all, he's found extra money he said you didn't have !!!!

[Rosae]

I considered myself a family with my husband before my child arrived last year. And I don't consider myself a robot in a family unit, but as a person that has a right to voice my opinions and should be involved in decisions about what our family does. That doesn't mean we don't do our own things and make our decisions too but we work together. Op, perhaps you need to sit down and talk again. He's changed his mind, that's ok. What do you want to do now? Go with or have some time to yourself?

[BarbarianMum]

Missed this little gem earlier. You think he's defied you? If dh ever used that expression wrt me, I'd tell him to go give his head a wobble.

Separately though, tell him to use his own cr if it's not convenient for him to take yours.

[Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016]

Sounds like an excuse for you to buy a bottle and some chocs and enjoy your dh-free night! And tell him he owes you a shopping spree for the same as he is spending!!

[Puddleduckthe2nd]

I think yabu, he's an adult who is allowed to change his mind. It will be cheaper going on his own as assuming his father kicks in for petrol and obviously not drinking as driving.

Why do have to spend the evening with your dm, why can't you go home. It's like he's organised a babysitter for you

[Oakmaiden]

HPMW - but his family are all going, which makes it a family event for him, anyway.

[CafeCremeEtCroissant]

I'd tell him to think again.

His Dad, Sm & Gran were going together. Gran has had to drop out. If he wants to go in her place then fine, but he goes WITH THEM not in YOUR car, paying for petrol etc and NOT treating you like some bloody ornament he can get 'collected & minded' until he gets home. Idiot.

[Oakmaiden]

"Absolutely fuming". You sound controlling. This is not a situation that should make you "absolutely fuming". Mild irritation and confusion at the very most.

I thought the use of the word "defied" was interesting too.

He hasn't "defied" you - unless you issued an order that he not attend. what he has done is changed his mind. Which is OK.

The real issue is - do you actually want to go now? If so, then phone DSMILS and ask if she can squeeze you in. If not, then there is no big deal, really, is there?

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

It's not really a family wedding though is it? It's his step mums sister who he has met twice in his life. Hardly family.

[MiddleClassProblem]

I think you need to step back from it and think "he's just going to a family wedding".

It maybe that you led the previous decision more than you realised, it may be that he felt he was missing out more and when the offer came up realised how he felt.

He's not going for a big boys holiday, he's driving home the same night.

Re being angry he had gone back on a joint decision... A family thing is not really a joint decision like a big purchase or which school your kid goes to etc. It is more of a decision for the person from that side. I think you are just viewing it wrong.

[WeddingWoes101]

HarryPotter Yes thats what we made of it too, they are inviting anyone and everyone to make the numbers up, we've met them twice as I said in my OP so really, we barely know them so why would we want to go to their wedding?

[Benedikte2]

OP URNBU . I would be fuming because your DH has, by not consulting you, been disloyal and has put you and you DM to considerable inconvenience.
How late does he intend to stay at the reception? What's the betting he'll be urged to stay until it finishes and then there will be the 2.5 hour journey home (hopefully he doesn't intend to drink) which means a very late night for you and your DM and you have work the next day (as has he).
Would not be surprised if this is something your DH comes to regret

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

Why on earth would an elderly woman go to her DILs, sisters wedding anyway? Doesn't sound like a close family. Sounds like they need to invite anyone and everyone to get the numbers up. You aren't even related to the bride either, it's your step mother inlaw's mainly estranged sister!

I'd be annoyed at my husband using leave and money we couldn't afford to go to this, whilst fucking around with my evening and my mother's too!

[JudyCoolibar]

I suggest as a minimum telling him you need your car and he can take the van.

[WeddingWoes101]

Sorry suppose to say, I don't think I would of been as pissed off

[WeddingWoes101]

Thank you for all your replies, sometimes as a woman I do get a bee in my bonnet about things that aren't as bad as I make out in my head.

Just to clarify a couple of things however, he isn't going to accompany his father as his step mum is going with his father, I mean that his fathers mother could no longer go, sorry for the confusion!

DSMIL is Darling step Mother in law.

We didn't discuss him going alone as there was no need, he told me from the outright before I'd voiced an opinion that he didn't want to go and he thought it was too far and would be expensive for us, especially as he is going on a stag do to another country for his best friend a couple of weeks later.

Sandy thats the point I was making here, and the fact he didn't have the decency to discuss it with me, he could of at least come home and then spoken to his father to confirm, then I don't think I would have been pissed off.

I can't drive his car (it's actually a van) because it's on a company car policy, and I'm not included on that.

[JudyCoolibar]

I agree you have cause to be unhappy. If he previously accepted that it was too expensive and that it didn't justify using his limited holiday allowance on it, it's difficult to see why that has changed. Taking a day or two out for this means he has less time to spend with your family. I also don't understand why the in laws are so keen for you to go given that they don't get on with DSMIL's sister anyway.

I also would be seriously pissed off with an announcement that he was going to take my car without asking me; on any interpretation, the whole arrangement sounds a lot of faff, and just deciding that your mother will pick you up and you will spend an evening with her till whatever hour he turns up to collect you is extremely high-handed. It doesn't seem to occur to you that after a hard day's work you might want to go straight home and chill out and have an early night.

[Buck3t]

HarryPotters and Sandy have hit the nail on the head as far as I can tell.
It would annoy me that he didn't firm up details with me. It looks to me like he was talked into it and if he can now afford the lost holiday, the money for drinks (even if not alcohol I'm sure he'll buy rounds) etc, it does make it look as though you were talking him into not going.

At the same time I also think you should have thought of him going on his own. My DH and I do this all the time, usually, cause I need time between outings with the inlaws.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Oh I missed that it is 2.5 hours away . I'm talking about another country. Yabu.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I get where you're coming from. DH is from overseas and we planned our summer holiday last year around going to the christening of distant cousins children. DH also went to these peoples wedding without me. The parents of the b&g were cousins, who backed out of coming to our wedding after we'd committed some costs to them coming - which they didn't pay. So it did frustrate me somewhat especially as DH and I in the past made massive efforts with all his family, not just these people. It is all very one sided and was even when we lived an hour or so away.

It is your dhs choice and he is supporting his father. I also do think it is nice to catch up with family and much as my dhs family members seem wrapped up in their own lives, he is happy he made the effort. If we all decide it is too much bother to see x y or z second cousin or whatever, no one will ever make an effort and everyone will lose contact, which is a shame.

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

And what sandy said.

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

I'd be annoyed that it was assumed he could take your car and have your mum pick you up from work, you sit around at your mums after a day at work, waiting for him to turn up to collect you (has he even bothered to ask your mum btw? She could he busy that day) which could be pretty late I imagine, all without actually putting it forward to me first so I can see why you are annoyed.

Do you also think it now looks like you were the driving force behind the original decline and DH was going along with you and now a space has opened up, your DH has jumped to take it before you 'can tell him no' iyswim? That's what struck me from your post.

[SandyY2K]

We didn’t really think we would have the money for hotel/drinks. It is during the week too and me and DH don’t have a lot of holiday left at work.

● So he's found the money for drinks now. I assume he's not drinking as he's driving now. Is that so?
● He's fine paying for the fuel that was too much before.
● Is he staying in the hotel still?
● He's managed a day off work too

I hope when you change your mind on something previously agreed, he'll be fine about it.