Or is DH - work related

[TheLaundryLady]

I work full time in a senior clinical role within the NHS. My working hours are generally Monday to Friday 9-5 with one weekend in 6 on call within the hospital.
I also work early / late shifts as required.

DH currently works 12 hour shifts days and nights 4 on 4 off.

I can only work early shifts on his days off due to getting DC to school etc.

This works well however DH is unhappy with working shifts and is actively job hunting.

I am fully supportive of him and don't want him to be unhappy however when we have discussed this previously we agreed he would look for 9-5 roles or a position with shorter shifts without night duty. These jobs are available in his line of work.

We also agreed to discuss jobs before he applied.

This morning he came home from work and told me that he has applied for a job Monday to Friday 8-4 without any discussion.

These hours would mean that I would be unable to work any early shifts (I start at 06:30) during the week which would make me very inflexible, unsupportive of my teams and potentially unable to effectively do my job.

I am really angry that he chose to apply before discussing this with me and we argued this morning.

I think that any new job he applies for needs to be compatible with mine. He says I'm being selfish and should want him to be happy.

AIBU?

Sorry about the long post I didn't want to drip feed

[TheLaundryLady]

I know that 12 hour shifts are killers as are nights I worked them for years and I don't want DH to be unhappy in his work - life is way too short for that.

I am very supportive of him getting a different job i just object to unilateral decisions.

It is part of my contract to work whatever hours the service requires and although I can be quite flexible there are also clear expectations on all clinicians in my role.

My youngest DC are 5&9 and we have DGC who are 2 &3. We can drop DGC at nursery at 7 but it's difficult with DC.

I have considered an au pair but we don't have the room or the money.

[Inshock73]

YANBU. Once you have children you have to work as a team and that means sometimes one persons job will have to take priority over the other if they earn more money or their hours are less flexible. It doesn't mean it's forever.

But I find this a very common problem. DH and I have a 16 month old and a new baby due any day. I earn more, I'm in a more senior role and enjoy my job far more than DH does. We agreed my job would take priority after my maternity leave and he would have to be more flexible (he's self employed) to make my transition back in to full time work with a baby easier....it didn't happen. He still left home at 6am and would often run errands or help colleagues after work and get home at 7/8pm which meant I had to all the get up/breakfast etc in the morn and dinner/bed time routine in the evening. I eventually cracked and he agreed to be a SAHP, he lasted 2 weeks! And has now returned to his long hours etc.

I just don't think the 50/50 split exists in most households and men still seems to prioritise their job even if it doesn't work for the family.

[blueskyinmarch]

When my DC were younger one of my friends and her DH both worked long hours so they hired an older, retired lady to come to the house early each morning to sort out the school run stuff. She then came back after school and looked after them until one of the parents was home. Maybe this is something you and your DH could consider? If there are 4 children to organise an extra pair of hands might be very helpful. I am assuming you have your DGC full time for whatever reasons and there is no possibility of their parents helping out?

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Hmm, I don't think it's fair to expect him to carry on doing 12 hour shifts indefinitely just because it currently fits with your hours. Have you asked CM's if they can do a 7.30 start? Most will, even if they don't advertise it, for a premium for that first 30 minutes.

I just see it as he's been flexible for ages by the sounds of it - doing late shifts to fit around you, now I think it's your turn to be flexible around his hours. With young children, you can apply for flexible working - have you asked about that?

I would be pretty resentful if I was stuck doing antisocial hours for years due to my partners job. I'm sure it would be possible to switch your hours around for a while - especially if you've had years of being so flexible. I think you need to ask before you expect your DH to fit around you indefinitely.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

I don't think it's fair to expect him to carry on doing 12 hour shifts indefinitely just because it currently fits with your hours.

But she's not expecting this.

The OP already adapts her work pattern to fit with her DP: I can only work early shifts on his days off due to getting DC to school etc.

Which sounds sensible to me - she should be compromising, they both should.

But he's just assumed he can change his work pattern unilaterally. I don't think that's fair.

[Desmondo2016]

You are a team. He has gone for a job and if he were to get/take it, as a family you would need to sort out the child care issue. If he has actually said "that's your problem to sort out, tough shit if you have to jeopardise your career' then you've got bigger relationship problems than who's gonna look after the kids before school!

[TheLaundryLady]

Just to be clear and as I have said all a long I am very supportive of him changing jobs.. I do not want him to continue with 12 hour shifts and I don't want him to be unhappy.

We currently work around each others shifts so he does not fit in with me we fit in with each other.

This new job would mean him opting out of any responsibilities which I do not have the luxury of doing.

I would happily go part time but DH doesn't want me to.

I feel that as we had previously agreed and change if job on either side should be discussed prior to applying for it.

DGC have very recently come to live with us FT. Long back story but basically their DM is unable to care for them and their DF (my step son) works 6-2 Monday-Friday so can pick them up from nursery but not take them.

[trafalgargal]

Perhaps it is DSS who should be changing his hours .
The children aren't yours or even your grandchildren but your step child's but both their father and grandfather think you should be the one to change hours ? Really ?

[Desmondo2016]

There's your answer then lol... he applied for a job without telling you - you apply to go part time and start at 10 every day without telling him! Sorted!

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Maybe your step-ston needs to change his hours, then. They're his kids, but it doesn't sound like he has much responsibility for them. Does he live with you as well?

[Wellywife]

Sorry. I read it that your hours are 9-5 and to be flexible you sometimes do early or late shifts. Do you actually have to do shifts or are you just going the extra mile?

If so YABU.

[TheLaundryLady]

Desmond's - that's a genius idea

The 5&9 year old DS's are mine and DH's and therefore not DSS responsibility. The DGC are at nursery so not a problem and DSS is trying to change his hours to accommodate his girls.
DSS lives in a house share so no room for DGC and I am happy to have them. They may not be mine biologically but that doesn't change how much I love them.
SS have placed them in our care as its best place for them.

[OliviaStabler]

it's the assumption that I will completely alter my working patterns to accommodate him without discussion.

I agree, this is not about the job application itself. It is the way that he has completely abdicated any responsibility for the childcare gap he will create if he secures this role.

I agree he should not stay in a job where he is unhappy but neither should he put his needs ahead of everyone else in the family but he should work with you on a solution.

[OliviaStabler]

it's the assumption that I will completely alter my working patterns to accommodate him without discussion.

I agree, this is not about the job application itself. It is the way that he has completely abdicated any responsibility for the childcare gap he will create if he secures this role.

I agree he should not stay in a job where he is unhappy but neither should he put his needs ahead of everyone else in the family but he should work with you on a solution.

[TheLaundryLady]

Welly - I have to work shifts as required by the service - I can be flexible and only work these shifts when it fits in with DH. I cannot absolve myself from doing shifts completely..

[MatildaTheCat]

OP, I am a bit confused because in your first sentence of your OP you say you generally work Monday to Friday from 9-5. Then your start time changes to 6.30am?

I would definitely look at getting a part time nanny/ mothers help in to cover mornings and even come back to your house and do some housework and prep dinner. Your dh should not expect you to do all of this organisation but if the job he really wants starts just one hour earlier than he could do surely it's worth exploring?

[Wellywife]

In that case YANBU. His new job will make you struggle with your current job. I'd have a look on whatever recruitment consultants website and see if there are any 9-5 jobs. I think he's applying for the first thing that looks ok rather than wait for the next more appropriate one. Understandable if he's unhappy but I think he needs to keep looking.

[Crazycake]

I'm a CM, it's really is worth calling a few to see if they can be flexible. I officially start my working day at 7:30 but I have in the past had a child start at 5am. You'll often find CMs can be more flexible than nurseries with start/finish times, it's worth a try.

[QuintessentialShadow]

Your DH is totally taking you for granted.

It is your responsibility to care for your own children, and your responsibility to look after his sons children, and he refuses you go part time, and he is changing his working hours so they create problems with getting the kids to school/nursery saying it is your problem to sort.

Blimey. He sounds like an utter tool.

Is he this difficult and pig headed in other aspects of your marriage?

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Could you maybe continue what you're doing, being flexible occasionally, but get DH to organise childcare for those days?

Do you use a CM for your youngest DC at the moment? If so, it's well worth speaking to her and asking if she'd have them at 7.30am once a week for an extra amount per month. She may well want to keep you as a client than go through the hassle of finding another family who may not be as reliable.

[Pimmmms]

Definitely double check with CMs. Especially if you can be flexible as to which days you need the earlier start. So you ask for 2 out of 5 mornings, but the CM and you work out which 2. A lot of CMs just don't want to commit to 5 long days in a row.

[Pimmmms]

Oh and your DH is being an arse...... YANBU at all.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I'm disgusted with his attitude, tbh.

But it's exactly the same sort of attitude that I could expect from my DH in your position, so I'm a little invested.

Which is why I currently don't have a job (luckily able to afford that state) as the mere thought of having to deal with all the childcare issues, home issues AND work as well is just too annoying, knowing that I wouldn't be able to rely on DH to pick up the slack.

This does rather mean I have to put up with a lot of "but I WORK" type comments from him - but I'd rather put up with those than deal with the practicality of working as well as everything else at the moment.

Things will change when DS2 goes to school. It will be interesting to see what happens then.

[Bragadocia]

Yes, as others have said, there are practical ways of sorting this - but that really isn't the issue here.

It's about the sense of entitlement her DH is displaying - he wants this, everyone else has to fit around him to facilitate his happiness. Not that OP has the right to have her partner's work fit around her existing work either. But the start of the conversation could go something like this:

"There's this job I have applied for that I would really like to take if I am successful at interview. Can we sit down together and look at the practical ways we could make this work."

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I think it's a great idea too for dss to step in. Could he look after your two as well when you need to go in early?

Indeed your dh has hurried into this application without consulting you. This is really annoying. However, he may just be really irritable and a bit desperate to get out of his current job. I wonder if he will continue to be this combative if the two of you cool off a bit and start the discussion again. You have every right to be incensed by the situation because he went back on an agreement. My dh does this sort of thing as well and hates it when I point out his mistakes so we usually row. When that happens, I find it best to let him think about it rather than have another go at him. Not that I'm saying you're going to do this.