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AIBU?

How can I not be unreasonable? (infertility related)

74 replies

39up · 07/09/2016 14:08

So, to keep it short.

DH and I have a long standing friendship with another couple. They have been trying to conceive unsuccessfully for some time, with much heartbreak. They're out of NHS IVF chances, and they've been told they probably won't be able to adopt due to the wife having various health issues. They have been trying to continue with IVF privately, but it's been financially very difficult for them.

For a while, the wife has been talking to me a lot, mostly because she sees us as being in the same boat - because I've got a history of MH issues I'm unlikely to be able to adopt, and conception has been slow for me, plus DH and I started trying quite late - 37 when we started trying, and I had 2 miscarriages in the first year.

I'm now 19 weeks pregnant. We've had all the scans. Everything looks fine. We probably want to announce it soon but I'm really worried she'll take it badly. How the hell do I tell her in the least unreasonable way possible?

OP posts:

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FoofFighter · 07/09/2016 14:59

no no no never face to face!

Email or text then at least the couple have time to process it without being watched for any reactions.

HUGE congratulations to you op

LeonardInTheArgosBag · 07/09/2016 15:07

I would email. As someone else said, give her the dignity of having her first reaction in private. Then she has time to put a brave face on, or the option to avoid you for a bit.

Congratulations OP!

Oriunda · 07/09/2016 15:08

Text. Nothing worse than having to put on happy face or voice and mutter congratulations when you're dying inside. We'd just had an unsuccessful round of IVF when BIL informed us (in front of family and SIL) that we had to congratulate SIL as she was going to become a mother (his words). I remember being stunned, having to stutter congrats and then making my DH take me out of their house so I could have a cry.

Give her time to assimilate the news and let her come back to you in her own time. Be prepared to lose her - albeit temporarily. I know you don't want to but she simply may not feel up to being around you. I hated being around pregnant women but found it easier once baby was born.

I also had 2 miscarriages before finally giving birth so understand why you're so hesitant to tell people. Didn't consider myself properly pregnant until my 20 week scan.

Congratulations.

scarednoob · 07/09/2016 15:11

agree with all the advice above. when it comes to wording the text, as you know your friend and yourself, maybe think about how you would like to hear, if the situation were reversed? it might help you find the words.

congratulations on your bean!

skyyequake · 07/09/2016 15:14

I agree with PP saying text/email but I would include that you're telling her this way to give her time to process and that she can take all the time she needs and you understand if she finds it difficult to be around you for a while... That way she won't think you're being impersonal/casual by sending a text
Congratulations

honkinghaddock · 07/09/2016 15:18

Do it by text or email but don't put anything about her finding the news difficult etc. I would have hated that.

Bishybishybarnabee · 07/09/2016 15:25

I had a similar situation and I told my friend by text. She later told me that she was so grateful that I'd done it that way and not face to face. A lot of her other friends had fallen pregnant around the same time, and asked to 'pop round' when it was something they didn't usually do. She said it was so hard as she knew that's what they were coming round to say, but she then felt under pressure to modify her response in the moment, rather than have time to deal with it. Of course everyone is different though.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 07/09/2016 15:25

IMO I would definitely go for text. I am going through infertility at the moment (4years in) and the pressure to look happy when told face to face, or sound happy when told over the phone is overwhelming.
I have been through quite a few announcements and the easiest ones to handle were when I was told over text - it gave me chance to deal with my reaction before having to put my happy face on. I am genuinely happy for my friends but my initial reaction is always to feel upset / jealous, and they don't deserve that.

Oh and congratulations OP

SleepFreeZone · 07/09/2016 16:00

Agree. It has to be via text or similar as she will want to scream and cry then by the time she gets to see you will hopefully have her game face on. Please don't tell her how she 'must' be feeling, that used to drive me mad. You 'must' be devastated, this 'will' no doubt upset you, make you feel terrible etc etc. Just tell her as quietly as you can and let your friend decide how she feels.
Congratulations xx

tldr · 07/09/2016 16:14

I've been your friend (almost).

I would say definitely text or email or whatever so she can have whatever reaction she's going to have in private.

Include in your message that you know it'll be hard for her (which is why you're emailing) but don't say anything trite like 'I hope you can be pleased for us'.

In her shoes, I was the most selfish, self-absorbed person I've ever encountered, so you may have to just roll with whatever happens for a bit.

Congratulations on your great news though!

raviolidreaming · 07/09/2016 16:19

Definitely not phone or face to face. Let her process the news and get back to you in her own time. Please don't put her on the spot.
(... and congratulations!)

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 07/09/2016 16:24

Congratulations

I agree with telling over the phone. Maybe even get your DP to tell her DP if they are close.
You will have to consider that they may go NC with you over this. It has happened to me with some friends (although we wernt close). DD is 6mo and they still haven't met her and don't contact anymore regardless of me trying

ConvincingLiar · 07/09/2016 17:09

I don't know whether in her shoes I would want you to say it will be hard for her. When I was struggling to conceive I wasn't too bothered about other people getting pregnant, it wasn't their babies I wanted. When I eventually was pregnant I struggled with telling a friend who'd had a still birth followed by two miscarriages. I told her in person but just before I left for a fortnight's holiday so that she didn't have to talk to me for a bit. I agree text is a safe bet. I would tell her that you're telling her first and have held back because you have been worried/had some issues/whatever.

Lostwithinthehills · 07/09/2016 18:14

Op, I just wanted to say that you seem to be a lovely friend.

KellyBoo800 · 07/09/2016 18:19

I'm currently struggling TTC and all of my closest female friends are pregnant except for one. She has also struggled to conceive and has also suffered a miscarriage earlier in the year. I have had to put on a smiley face and congratulate friends when it has broken my heart (although of course I am happy for them) but it has been.

That said, if my one friend who I know has been struggling to conceive told me she was pregnant, I would be ecstatic. I would not need to force a smile. I want this for her just as much as I want this for me. So yes be delicate when you tell her, but she may just surprise you!

BipBippadotta · 07/09/2016 18:23

Please, PLEASE don't tell her face to face, and don't do it in public. She will need space to process her reaction. She will want to be able to cry or scream without having to smile and congratulate you and look at your bump. I've been really grateful for friends who've let me k ow of their pregnancies by text or email, so I have time to compose myself, but privacy to react however I need to.

BipBippadotta · 07/09/2016 18:26

Also seconding the advice not to say 'you must be feeling X.' Cannot bear it when people do that.

peneleope82 · 07/09/2016 18:57

Congratulations!

Having had a late pregnancy loss I had a lot of people telling me they were pregnant in a 'special' way. People meant well but my advice is to send a text at a time she's likely to be home with her husband. That way she can have her private reaction and compose herself for when she sees you.

You're a good friend for being worried about her.

LittleLionMansMummy · 07/09/2016 19:06

Congratulations op. I just wanted to echo that you sound like a really lovely friend.

Lots of good advice here which I won't add to. I really hope your friendship endures and wish you all the very best for you and her.

UnicornPee · 07/09/2016 19:14

I really advise against saying anything like "I know this might be hard for you" don't say anything like that it's so horrible.
Just tell her your good news and that you wanted her to be one of the first to know. It will be slightly tough for her but she'll feel privledge you have told her

MatildaTheCat · 07/09/2016 19:17

Congratulations.

I would add that I would mention that you have struggled with how best to tell her and that you will understand if she needs to avoid you for a while ( although you hope she won't). And please don't forget her partner in all this, chances are he's pretty devastated about all this, too.

Remember this won't be the first, second or third time she has heard that a friend is pregnant so she will have experience of coping. I sincerely hope she also has good news soon.

BoxofSnails · 07/09/2016 19:26

My sister emailed me about her 3rd - I can't have any more after losing a child - I was devastated, mostly that she hadn't had the guts to tell me, at least on the phone. Don't text - I would say don't email - this is big news and you need to treat it as such.

Congratulations - hope you have a healthy and happy rest of your pregnancy.

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NeeNahh · 07/09/2016 19:37

You sound like a lovely considerate person op. There's so much contradiction in this thread I think you just need to go with your instinct and hopefully your friend will appreciate that you are doing your best to be considerate. I don't think it is possible to make this easy for her or stop her pain.

fabulous01 · 07/09/2016 19:42

I did 6 X IVF attempts before success. Some friends knew and some announced their pregnancies in most horrific way. Some very more cautious,
I did loose friends both at that time and since I got success. But life changes. Things that people had in common changes. No ones fault.
The fact that you are aware will make it easier for her and yes she will be jealous but she will also be pleased.
Good luck with your journey

Smidge001 · 07/09/2016 19:47

I would tell her by text. 100%.

After 6 failed attempts myself we had theoretically come to terms with never having children. I thought I was ok with it. Then my SIL phoned my husband to tell him she was unexpectedly pregnant for the first time at 44. I couldn't speak/breath and couldn't stop from falling apart within seconds of him hanging up.

Clearly I'm ok with it now and very happy for her, but the initial reaction is awful and speaking from experience I wouldn't want anyone to witness it, I'd feel awful if they knew my initial reaction.

Definitely by text - let her process it first. Then I'm sure she will be happy for you and be fine to talk/see you again.

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