How can I not be unreasonable? (infertility related)

[39up]

So, to keep it short.

DH and I have a long standing friendship with another couple. They have been trying to conceive unsuccessfully for some time, with much heartbreak. They're out of NHS IVF chances, and they've been told they probably won't be able to adopt due to the wife having various health issues. They have been trying to continue with IVF privately, but it's been financially very difficult for them.

For a while, the wife has been talking to me a lot, mostly because she sees us as being in the same boat - because I've got a history of MH issues I'm unlikely to be able to adopt, and conception has been slow for me, plus DH and I started trying quite late - 37 when we started trying, and I had 2 miscarriages in the first year.

I'm now 19 weeks pregnant. We've had all the scans. Everything looks fine. We probably want to announce it soon but I'm really worried she'll take it badly. How the hell do I tell her in the least unreasonable way possible?

[PurpleDaisies]

Another vote for text or email, and for the love of god don't attach a scan picture.
Other things not to do (which others have done to me)...
Say "it'll definitely be you next.
Update every week with how big your baby is.
Say anything about worrying about telling them/knowing it'll be hard for them, which while it should be helpful it makes you feel worse for having people walking on eggshells around you.
Say they'll make a brilliant Aunty.

That's just my two cents and in no way an official rule book.

Congratulations by the way.

[waitingimpatient]

Sorry I also wanted to say OP you are a lovely friend to worry about this and congratulations

[waitingimpatient]

The thing is I was and am happy for dsis, it wasn't the news itself just the way it was delivered. It was turned round to make me question was I in fact bitter and jealous.
I kept saying it wasn't jealousy it was because it was insensitive and dm then said "oh but I can see you're even jealous of 'X' (a good friend of mine) too " , I'm really not jealous and she made me feel really upset.

I was half tempted to email her this thread as it proves my point completely but decided not to as I just want the dust to settle now !

[ftw]

waiting

That's horrible. Sorry.

I think if you haven't experienced it you have no idea just how very awful it is.

[JustHappy3]

Another one saying text or email. Early evening/when you know they are both home. I HATED myself for the sad-for-myself reaction i had - no matter how elated for them i felt. It was such a head fuck managing both emotions - definitely something to be done in private without a visual or verbal audience.
(Or you could announce it at the start of a celebratory meal so she has the whole eternal evening to get through....)
Congratulations and you sound a lovely friend.
Waiting - your relatives were awful.

[waitingimpatient]

I know and i can see now I was right when I said it was insensitive when they pushed me but at the time with both telling me I was overshadowing/jealous/wrong it made me doubt myself

This thread has made me realise I was right

[Waltermittythesequel]

waiting fucking hell, that was cruel.

[ecuse]

I'd email her first so that she has chance to have a perfectly natural little cry if she needs to, then put on her 'brave face' and congratulate you.

I made the mistake of NOT doing this with a friend, she totally broke down and sobbed then I felt terrible for putting her in the situation and she felt terrible for not being happy for me (which she was, but she needed some time to process).

[ecuse]

I'd email her first so that she has chance to have a perfectly natural little cry if she needs to, then put on her 'brave face' and congratulate you.

I made the mistake of NOT doing this with a friend, she totally broke down and sobbed then I felt terrible for putting her in the situation and she felt terrible for not being happy for me (which she was, but she needed some time to process).

[waitingimpatient]

This thread made me weep with relief. I have had the worst 2 weeks of my life and virtually had a breakdown after a similar incident :(

I've had IVF and two failed FET in the last 18 months. Dm and dsis knew. Dsis did a massive face to face announcement and dm kept on at me 'are you upset?' 'What's wrong?' 'Are you jealous' and I was inconsolable when I finally got home. They said I was being off and overshadowing the news to which I replied it was insensitive and I'd have preferred a text or email.

I have been told repeatedly that I'm being silly/overreacting/jealous etc and it's hurt so much
This thread has made me realise that my feelings were valid

[Ilovewillow]

Firstly many congratulations! Your obviously a compassionate person to take your friends feelings into account. As others have said speak to her separately either in person or by phone and let her time to digest. If she isn't immediately enthusiastic don't take it to heart she will be pleased for you but it's tough. We had 8 yrs if infertility before IVF finally worked and then another 5 yrs before we had our son, it's tough everytime someone tells you their pregnant. You are pleased for them but it gets harder each time. Wishing you well with your pregnancy.

[ellesbellesxxx]

As someone who is currently going through IVF, I much prefer a text. oh and... Congratulations!!!

[ThymeForTea]

Ive been the infertile friend and spanner in works here i hate to think people worry about me.

Its just how it is.
People make babies all the time, if i got upset at each one id be suicidal by now.

[CarShare]

Definitely text/email her and make sure she isn't the last to know. Go for early evening later on in the week so she doesn't have to manage through a days work and she has the wkend to look forward to. Congratulations

[PGPsabitch]

Text her. It let's her react how she wants and needs. She may not be able to be happy for you at first.

Congratulations op.

[10storeylovesong]

Another one saying text. My friend and I both started ttc 2.5 years ago. She's now 19 weeks pg and text me at 6 weeks to break it to me before her bumped showed. I spent most of the day at work crying in the toilets - not my proudest moment but after 4 miscarriages I just found it too hard to deal with. I was genuinely happy for her, but sad for myself. She gave me the space to come to terms with it and our friendship is still rock solid.

[Mumberjack]

Congratulations!

I'd text her first to let the news sink in (and allow her to cry etc as she needs to) then talk to her next time you see her about your fears etc prior to telling her, so it's not that you kept the news intentionally.

When I was ttc (2.5 years initially) it was odd, I started to categorise pregnant into deserving and undeserving cases. It was horrible and irrational of me but ttc fucks with your head as you'll know. So I'd definitely see someone in your position as a deserving case as opposed to someone who would talk about only having to look at their partner to fall pregnant etc.

[Secretmetalfan]

Congrats. I'm in your friends boat. And I absolutely hate it when people tell me face to face (esp the one who announced it at my birthday party.) all I ever want to do is sob. Text is by far the best way imo. Gives her chance to cry, scream, get angry and sad and come up with a poker face response when she sees you next

[QOD]

Noooo
What you do, is go round, burst into tears and apologise for ten minutes until your dh finally says
Oh ffs just tell her you're pregnant

[leopardgecko]

Also wanted to add the relationship with my friend who told me by phone probably never ever recovered. Please, do not tell your friend this way. It could potentially be so painful for you both.

[leopardgecko]

Firstly, huge congratulations to you!

I was in your friend's position and as other have said it is so much better to tell her in a way that she does not have to immediately respond. One, so very thoughtful, friend told me in a letter (though we would not have usually corresponded that way). She also then left it to me to get in touch in the way that I prefered. That gave me the time to scream/shout/cry and give into my feelings in private, and then take as long as I needed before replying to her (also in a letter). I also had one friend who told me by phone and it remains one of my most painful memories, and maybe for her also. You sound so sensitive to your friend, bless you.

[Oly5]

I was in this situation with a very good friend and told her by text, adding that I could call if she wanted to chat.
She liked the way I did it as it gave her time to gather her thoughts.
Don't do it face to face, let her absorb the info

[Nan0second]

Text or write a note and put it through her door. Let her have a cry about it alone and then she can choose when to be brave :)

[LyndaNotLinda]

I'd text and say you have been waiting to tell people until MC danger was over and you're doing it by text because you don't want her to hear from anyone else. She will understand the subtext.

And huge congratulations- it's a bloody miraculous thing when it finally happens for you

[Smidge001]

I would tell her by text. 100%.

After 6 failed attempts myself we had theoretically come to terms with never having children. I thought I was ok with it. Then my SIL phoned my husband to tell him she was unexpectedly pregnant for the first time at 44. I couldn't speak/breath and couldn't stop from falling apart within seconds of him hanging up.

Clearly I'm ok with it now and very happy for her, but the initial reaction is awful and speaking from experience I wouldn't want anyone to witness it, I'd feel awful if they knew my initial reaction.

Definitely by text - let her process it first. Then I'm sure she will be happy for you and be fine to talk/see you again.