AIBU not to gush when somebody who struggles with her kids says she is ttc again?

[5moreminutes]

Group of us have know each other from older children's toddler group days, now have varying numbers of children. One mum already has 3 children whom she finds "challenging" to the extent she refuses to leave the house with them on her own, she and her DH always have to tag team or she won't leave the house (she's a sahm) and she uses a lot of child care (after school and holiday clubs, a mothers help type woman who she pays cash in hand to do a bit of cleaning and ironing in term time and babysitting in the holidays so she won't have to take the kids on errands or to the shops with her, almost full time nursery for the youngest) very explicitly because the children are "too much" for her - she says this, and complains bitterly on the frequent occasions her DH works away about how hard it is to cope.

That is how it is, sympathetic noises and all, know it is unreasonable to have an opinion on that and I guess she does find it hard for whatever specific reasons...

But a couple of days ago the group of us, who no longer often meet up, were all at the same place by chance and having a catch up, and after the usual initial moan about coping in the holidays and her cleaner/ mothers help being away for part of the time, she "revealed" her "gossip" which was that she and her DH are ttc again.

Everyone else gushed "how lovely"... and there followed lots of excited baby speculation and gossip and all - all very delightful. Except it's quite hard to gush in delight when it sounds like such a... well... mistake!

Why would you actively ttc when you can barely cope with the kids you have and miss no opportunity to tell people so?

Also why tell people you are ttc? But that is a different topic maybe? :o

Obviously I wouldn't say anything negative - its none of my business. But WIBU just to smile and not contribute to the gushing? If she had announced her pregnancy I would have said congratulations and assumed they were making the best of a contraceptive failure, but I would have felt like a hypocrite congratulating her on ttc!

[BabyDubsEverywhere]

Hmm, we had 4 dc in the space of 6 years (eldest now 8, youngest, 2). All were planned and wanted. I dislike the toddler stage, but everything else is great. I cannot leave the house with the dc without DH with me, except for the 3min school run I never have. I have severe mh issues and now a physical disability too. Not many people know how ill I really am, and I 'cover' my apparent uselessness by saying 4dc are too hard for me to manage on my own rather than divulge my personal health issues. I have also sent mine to nursery for a few das a week from about 18 months - it gave me a much needed break and the dc really enjoyed themselves.

Everyone thought I was mad having number 3, and that I must have totally lost it having number 4 - I have bad pregnancies. But I knew that stage was short compared to the joy of having a dc and it was worth it for us. I bitch about looking after dc all day and them fighting with each other and general other down points with my friends - but so does everyone else I know with 2 dc so I don't see why that's different, its just having a moan isn't it?

[5moreminutes]

Elpha and Anchor I'm not sure I quite said "she isn't coping" - I said she is struggling - she herself says it's hard to cope.

She is in a situation with 3 kids that she says she finds really difficult and complains about a lot, she won't leave the house alone with the 3 she has if her DH is away, and yet she has actively decided to try to have more.

She does cope by paying for a lot of help and as I said it would be unreasonable to have a problem with that - She had a gap after the first then the second and third quite close together, so she probably didn't realise how hard she was going to continue to find it with 2 before getting pregnant with DC3. I am just baffled by knowing she finds it very hard with the 3 she has and being excited about a deliberate decision to try to have yet another...

[GabsAlot]

id say it not coping

not goingout alone with them?

i know someone with 5 and shes single goes out all the time

[Candlefairy101]

Sounds like my MIL, she has a chip on her shoulder if anyone has any more kids than her. I've got 3, within the hour of getting third bubba home from hospital she was telling me ALL the negatives of having more than 3 children.

I think secretly she wished she gritted her teeth through the early years and enjoyed having more children now.

[LoisWilkersonsLastNerve]

Well if I could afford all that help plus a cleaner I would probably have more kids too

[ElphabaTheGreen]

Congratulations, Gabs. I'll put the medal in the post for her.

I don't like going out solo with two, I can completely understand avoiding going out with three. Again, doesn't mean she's not coping, and for the things she does struggle with, she gets help, or she avoids. If the DCs are happy and well looked-after, that is a non-issue.

[BlackeyedSusan]

I knew ex was not capable of being responsible for small children when I had number two. I went ahead on the grounds that I would have to be responsible with his "help" here and there. turns out number two is autistic, and number one has a condition that was not evident at the time. I would have liked a third, possibly fourth, but it would have been silly. still sad about that but the possibility of having another child with a condition just does not bear thinking about. all my time is spent on dealing with the two I have.

ex is, thankfully, capable of working and giving us plenty of maintenence. still does not have them on his own though.

what annoys me is people complaining about having four, if they have chosen that. especially as, if circumstances were different, I might have liked four.

[GabsAlot]

ithanks i'll pass it on

she should have a medal she never moans

[Birdsgottafly]

Can they afford the help that they get and can she support them emotionally, would influence my opinion that she's in her right to have another, tbh.

How good a Father, her DP is, matters, as well.

It depends on what part of Parenting, that she's struggling with, I know people who breezed through the first ten years, to be totally shit at being Parents to their children, once they need independence and mutual respect.

If you judged who should should have children, based on the points that you've made, a lot of People, from the Disabled to Royality, would be ruled out.

[BlackeyedSusan]

I think it depends on what is said and when .

the occasional moan fine... as people have said, everyone moans now and again. (actually this thread has reminded me not to moan too much as I chose number two knowing ex was not going capable of the role other dads have) the beating you round the head with the " and I have four children... " as a reason why you are not as capable as them... or why everything is harder etc is different.

have no problem (other than being a bit jealous) with people buying in support or family support. (actually make that reallyjealous)

same as a friend who has the oopportunity to rent a largish house in a fabulous location... she is really aware of how lucky they are and shares it by inviting people over etc... different to someone who is moaning about accomodation that is far, far superior to the two bed flat I am in. some people do not know how lucky thay are.

[AppleSetsSail]

I have mixed feelings about this. I think as a PP said, some people are inherently good parents, want a big family and so they close their eyes to the reality of 4 children, take a deep breath and jump.

If she has 3 children under 4 or 5 years old, then I wouldn't leave the house either. And I'd have a nanny too. This doesn't mean she's not a good mother.

Does she like babies more than toddlers, and pay them a lot more attention? I find this repellent.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

I think some women simply love being pregnant; the attention and fuss, the excitement surrounding a new baby, the midwife appointments, the sympathy when you're big and the initial rush after giving birth.

[AppleSetsSail]

It's mental to tell people you're TTC. Just mental. No one needs this information.

[Blackberryandapplejam]

I wouldn't be happy to have so many children that I was unable to leave the house with them without a partner or someone else to help me.

[AppleSetsSail]

I wouldn't be happy to have so many children that I was unable to leave the house with them without a partner or someone else to help me

Nor I, but I can't imagine many people with 3 or 4 young children do?

[TwatbadgingCuntfuckery]

t's mental to tell people you're TTC. Just mental. No one needs this information.

My sister announce this over a family dinner.

I said very matter of fact 'SO, you're back shagging him now then?'

She had spent the previous weeks complaining how she was withholding sex from him for some supposed wrongdoing.

[e1y1]

She could just be a baby mama drama - exaggerating how much she struggles. However, if she is struggling this much, then no, she is stupid for even thinking about more.

Some people should not have even bothered with the first, let alone more.

[Ilovetorrentialrain]

AppleSetsSail correct! Why would you?

[FarAwayHills]

YANBU OP I have a friend exactly like this. Moaned and couldn't cope with DC1, constantly on the phone to her DH at work wanting him to come home early as she needed a break, offloading to elderly inlaws at every opportunity. Has to go on regular holidays and spa breaks just to keep going. She just seemed to find being a parent totally joyless yet went on to have 2 more and nothing has changed.