AIBU not to gush when somebody who struggles with her kids says she is ttc again?

[5moreminutes]

Group of us have know each other from older children's toddler group days, now have varying numbers of children. One mum already has 3 children whom she finds "challenging" to the extent she refuses to leave the house with them on her own, she and her DH always have to tag team or she won't leave the house (she's a sahm) and she uses a lot of child care (after school and holiday clubs, a mothers help type woman who she pays cash in hand to do a bit of cleaning and ironing in term time and babysitting in the holidays so she won't have to take the kids on errands or to the shops with her, almost full time nursery for the youngest) very explicitly because the children are "too much" for her - she says this, and complains bitterly on the frequent occasions her DH works away about how hard it is to cope.

That is how it is, sympathetic noises and all, know it is unreasonable to have an opinion on that and I guess she does find it hard for whatever specific reasons...

But a couple of days ago the group of us, who no longer often meet up, were all at the same place by chance and having a catch up, and after the usual initial moan about coping in the holidays and her cleaner/ mothers help being away for part of the time, she "revealed" her "gossip" which was that she and her DH are ttc again.

Everyone else gushed "how lovely"... and there followed lots of excited baby speculation and gossip and all - all very delightful. Except it's quite hard to gush in delight when it sounds like such a... well... mistake!

Why would you actively ttc when you can barely cope with the kids you have and miss no opportunity to tell people so?

Also why tell people you are ttc? But that is a different topic maybe? :o

Obviously I wouldn't say anything negative - its none of my business. But WIBU just to smile and not contribute to the gushing? If she had announced her pregnancy I would have said congratulations and assumed they were making the best of a contraceptive failure, but I would have felt like a hypocrite congratulating her on ttc!

[toastymarshmallow]

YANBU.

I know someone pregnant with number 4. She hardly ever has to look after the three she has because it is "so hard" and she is "so tired". So various people take the kids for sleepovers, mind them while she goes shopping etc. She is never done trying to get out of being a parent. This morning was day three of the school run and she called her mum to come and take them to school!

So why have a fourth? Why actually keep going when the ones you have are too much?

[CoolCarrie]

Yanbu at all! I don't see a friend of mine at all now due to her endless child bearing moaning. Draining was the word, 5 dc and probably has had another one since we last saw her. Fine if you can cope, and frankly, afford a big family, if not stop!!! It isn't a case of approval, each to their own, but some people should stop bloody having dc if you can't cope or afford.

[phillipp]

I am related to someone exactly the same. Who is trying for number 3. Tbh, I try to avoid her as she insists on trying to push me to say how exciting it is.

But it's not. I know her mother and her mil who are exhausted with all the childcare help they provide. They both work. One of them is at her house at least once a day. Her mil has to do the majority of her supermarket shopping (which it turned out she was making out she had done to her dh) . She won't take the kids anywhere. They are only allowed to do activities on weekends and their dad must take them both. Even if one isn't doing it.

I just can't bring myself to gush when I know it's going to be a nightmare and her mum and mil will be really upset. They have already told her they can't do anymore, but she insists they will when it comes to it.

[ShelaghTurner]

I get what you mean but children do grow up. Maybe she wants a larger family and quite rightly thinks that the small years are only a snippet and that it's worth it for the wonderful adults they'll become.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Why do you say, complete with quote marks, that
"she "reveals" her "gossip""

Wouldn't it be more usual to say something like she 'shared her news' or similar? Sounds like you don't like her much anyway?

Btw Is she one of those people who enjoys a good moan? Some people can sound more negative than the reality for social or other reasons.

She does sound like she has lots of things in place to cope rather than she's actually falling apart at the seams as you seem to believe?

[Gottagetmoving]

If she can't cope with the DC she has she should not have planned any more.
I know a woman like this. She is a SAHM and has one child of 18, one of 10 and one who is 4.
She couldn't cope with two but went on to have her 3rd.
Her kids are not hard to manage and are at school all day - they are lovely, but she is obsessed with tidiness and cleanliness so every little thing stresses her. She moans constantly about how hard it is with 3 kids and gets lots of sympathy.
Her husband works really long hours from early morning to sometimes 8pm so they can pay the mortgage and he looks after the kids all weekend, and does the cooking. He also helps with the kids when he gets home and puts them to bed.
She never cooks him dinnner because she says he comes home too late and her and the kids eat earlier.
Some women are just attention seeking. They need a reality check and home truths

[thecatsarecrazy]

I know someone who had a daughter then had boys, said she wasn't stopping until she had another girl. I think that's awful. She comes across as the kind who does what she wants and wont be told otherwise. I lost all respect for her when she was ttc while her boyfriend had lost his job, she wasn't working and she was complaining on facebook about not being entitled to benefits. She's had 2 more since then!

[CoolCarrie]

Yes, other people end up picking up the slack. My ex friend's mother said to her after dc number 4, that is enough now, you simply cannot afford any more, her mum was very unhappy with her dd & SIL choices. Especially the impact on the other dc, there was little enough to go round, time wise & financial. It fell on deaf ears, and within 18 months another dc was on the way. As I said before no doubt there has been another dc since we last saw them.

[TopazRocks]

Frankly, I don't know why anyone would gush about anything ..... It sounds like she has lots of help, which presumably she can afford, and maybe this is how she enjoys motherhood. If the children are well looked after, is it anyone else's business?

[Hoppinggreen]

Sil struggled with their child to the extent that mil virtually had to move in with them ( lived 2 hours away). I used to get grief for not being more supportive - I had 4 year old DD and a baby 1 month younger than hers!!
When her daughter was 10 months old she got pg again ( planned) and they had to move not door to mil. They gave her a house and she gets loads of help, if DH mentions that perhaps we might also benefit from a bit of support we get " yes but Hopping is so capable"
Hopping also made sure she could cope with number 1 before having number 2!!!

[GabsAlot]

its not coping though is it

if u have to have pther people look after your children coz itgs just too mjuch then why have another one to bundle off to someone else

take some resonsibilty for your deicsions

i think op your friend sounds like an attention seeker

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Very selfish to have children you can't look after.

[lostearth]

I cringe when anyone mentions that they're ttc - immediately brings up a mental image of them shagging, which really I'd rather not be thinking about.

I've had a couple of friends who have continued to have more dc even when struggling - I never say anything and publicly I'll congratulate them etc (not gush though) but privately I don't think it's fair on the existing dc and I leave them to deal with it by themselves, if they have appointment/school run clashes I don't offer to help.

[BarbarianMum]

[Atenco]

I think some people just love the baby stage.

[ElphabaTheGreen]

So if a woman cannot or choses not to look after three children completely by herself, she is 'not coping'? Enlightening.

If she has WILLING help, either paid or unpaid, which she calls upon frequently to manage the load, how in the name of God is that 'not coping'?

[Blackberryandapplejam]

Baby addiction? Lots of women revel in the excitement of pregnancy. I had a friend who had 7 children. Never particularly coped with them, always trying to offload them onto friends and relatives but seemed hooked into the pregnancy and new baby experience. Now in her 50s she is exhausted, big children grown up, long left home in their twenties and the little ones at junior school. Must be like Groundhog Day.

[JigglypuffsCaptor]

I lost contact with an acquaintance over a similar situation, she had 4 mixed sex children, would often say she was struggling and then decided to announce she was TTC, now my mouth I can control it's my face that seems to just read like a open book. She turned to me and said "why are you pulling that face?" I panicked, a bit like when my mum used to pressure me for the truth as a small child and blurted out "don't you have enough? You struggle with them"

She stormed off, I was disowned that day

[KoalaDownUnder]

I hate it when people announce they are TTC -so just telling us you are having sex then. It's so personal. Tell us when you are pregnant!

This, with bells on! Completely unnecessary information, IMO.

[5moreminutes]

user yes she is a bit attention seeking - not in a big dramatic way, but the conversation does always have to come back around to her.

Brank maybe you are right that she is trying not to boast about having quite a nice life with a usually very sparkly clean and tidy house and quite a lot of time to herself to do with as she pleases during term time, whilst still having the kids, especially as none of the rest of us have any paid help and most of us do paid work in some capacity now (though not so much when we first met) - some of the DHs are a lot less hands on too... She does seem a bit fed up about how hard her life is though ... I think she really does find it properly hard in the holidays and when her husband is away though, maybe because of the contrast to term time when the kids are out of the house and her DH is hands on before and after school...

MiscellaneousAssortment I said "gossip" because that is what she described it as -" a bit of gossip for you" or something like that...

Yes, people saying they can afford it are right, I am sure they can, as a couple - not benefits bashing or anything remotely like that!

They do have children all one gender atm yes, but this was not mentioned as a reason for wanting DC4... it did come up in conversation and was speculated about but not claimed as a motivation - I don't know whether it is or not, certainly not an acknowledged one.

Yes maybe they are playing the long game looking forward to 4 teenagers :o :o

I have 3 children too and work part time - our older two used to play together but have drifted apart with age (different genders) but I've never been asked to babysit, no, I think that might feel too odd given I have as many children and less help :o But maybe when she has more kids than me and a baby when I'm out of the baby and toddler stage she will feel I should help... I know another friend who has an almost grown up older child and then her youngest the same age as friend's eldest does help her out with after school when her DH is away, but she seems happy to do so.

I agree nobody ever need gush :o It's just that is genuinely what the other members of the loose "group" were doing, lots of ... well gushing! Lots of "oh how lovely a squishy baby" and "how exciting" type comments... the youngest children in the group are now 3 and it did look somewhat is if that was it for new baby siblings.

[CoolCarrie]

Yep, same here! 😀 I simply said, he is lovely, and now your family is complete, oh no says she , I'm not 30 yet!!! 😕😠

[5moreminutes]

Elphaba but she complains about how hard it is all the time!

She doesn't seem to find much joy in the kids, she complains about how hard it all is, despite the help and especially on the occasions she ends up on her own with them - even when that is in term time, it's all so difficult, getting them all out of the house...

If it is all so difficult deliberately and actively ttc seems somewhat masochistic!

[5moreminutes]

Blackberry I do wonder if its that - about wanting a baby again, and a bit about wanting to be pregnant too, not so much about wanting another child... That seems really wrong though!

[AnchorPyjamas]

So having help with the cleaning and ironing and using child care is not coping? Seriously? In that case I'm not coping with the one child I have. And in fact 'didn't cope' very well when we were childless as we had domestic help then too.

I get that maybe she moans a lot, but I think you are being pretty unfair to say she's not coping. It would be different if she was having multiple children taken into care for neglect and still having more but she sounds pretty normal to me. I'm very confused by the responses on here saying YANBU.

[ElphabaTheGreen]

It is unspeakably hard, though isn't it? I doubt she's any different to anyone else. All that tells me is she's a moaner. It's bloody annoying to listen to, but that doesn't mean she's not coping.