To feel so guilty about my baby's flat head?

[Twirlyw00]

My gorgeous little girl is nearly six months and I absolutely adore her. However, she has a very flat head from lying on her back and I am really struggling with my feelings about it. I feel so, so guilty and as though I've let her down. I feel as though I'm worrying about it constantly, even waking in the middle of the night and wondering where I went wrong, and I feel teary and anxious if I think about it too much.

I've spoken with two different doctors both of whom have said that it will become much less noticeable with time (and hair!) and I'm trying to keep her off her back as much as possible. But I can't stop feeling as though I haven't looked after her properly. She was so perfect when she was born and now she has a wonky head and it's all my fault.

I guess, AIBU to feel Iike this? Any suggestions on how I can move past it?

[Evergreen17]

OP I am an adult and I have flat head. Mum said when I was born doctor commented on my perfect shaped skull. Sorry but I find this a funny thing to say
Anyhow I dont know what happened after that my head as I have always known it is flat. Kind of 90 degrees with the top.
I hate it (particularly since I grew up with friends and getting a Rachel's do was impossible)

This is made worse because I have very little hair.

But. So what?!!! Was it mum and dad's fault? Could it have been prevented?
Well I think that parenting involves so many different choices and accidents and decisions that a) you will never know if you could have prevented it
B) it wont make a difference to your DC's life. Honestly, this wasnt a thing 30 years ago and it is not a thing now, just another anxiety feeder for mums and dads

[DoublyTroubly]

From my reading at the time, the child's head does round out in the vast majority of children. However, there are a few cases where it doesn't resolve itself and its too late to do anything about it at that point. A family friends daughter is now 6 and still has quite a flat spot, but luckily is able to style her hair in such a way as to disguise it (that would obviously be a lot more difficult for boys). The main thing to remember is that it's cosmetic only so not getting a helmet won't physically harm the child x

[TheField65]

Sometimes it is genetic. I went on holiday to Turkey many years ago and many Turkish people have flat heads at the back. And they put their babies to sleep on their fronts, so it's not the sleeping position, just how they are.

[3awesomestars]

Dd had a really flat and funny shaped head, 18 years ago it was just how it was and you were told it was normal, you never saw a helmet.
Now she has a perfectly normal head and lots of hair. Out of all the adults I know I have never heard of one who is having problems as a result of having a flat head as a baby, that makes me wonder about the expensive treatments they offer now and if they are really relevant.

[OhWotIsItThisTime]

I know a little boy with a very acute flat head. It was shocking as a baby, never treated and is still visible now. It's not as bad, though, but you can still see it despite the way his hair is styled.

It really depends on how bad your dc's is. Get an honest RL opinion from someone you trust. You can go the helmet route if you can afford it. But there is an age limit.

[DoublyTroubly]

My son had a really bad flat head and we went the helmet route. It only took 2 months because he was so young when he started (4 months old) and really didn't bother him at all

Why do you blame yourself? It's nothing you did except follow the guidelines and put the baby to sleep on his back.

My son got a flat head but his twin sister didn't at all, despite being treated exactly the same. I think it's because my son was always a deep sleeper and slept in the same position all night whereas his twin tossed and turned, plus his head is bigger and heavier

[NPowerShitShower]

I have a different take on this. My DC was breech and due to the way he grew in the womb, consequently had torticollis. This then led to plagiocephaly, which, if left untreated, can lead to various jaw deformities, teeth not being aligned, difficulties wearing glasses as ears don't line up and so on. I'm quite surprised at the number of posters dismissing much medical research which makes this quite clear. We went for a helmet and DS's head shape has vastly improved. I'm glad we did.

[jellybeans]

One of my DC had this and I worried but you really cannot tell once they are older.

[DownWithThisSortaThing]

have you EVER seen an adult with a flat head???

Yes, some adults do. It is a thing. DP's head is quite flat at the back. Not like ruler straight, but it is definitely flat.
It's one of those things you won't really notice unless you're thinking about it.

[WorraLiberty]

Same as DSsHead's son really.

My 17yr old was actually born with a flat head on one side. He had so much hair (midwives commented that he looked like Rod Stewart ) that it wasn't picked up by the paed who checked him over before leaving hospital.

I mentioned it at his check ups, and kept getting told it was the position he was sleeping in and that it would improve if I put him to sleep on his other side.

When I kept telling them he was born like that, they just didn't seem to listen (or believe me).

Anyway, no-one mentioned helmets and I didn't even know they existed.

But it's not caused him any problems and his thick hair covers it.

The only slight problem he had as a kid, was he found it hard to get a helmet to fit him, if he had a donkey or go-kart ride at the fair.

[vulgarbunting]

My husband has this and you literally cannot notice at all. He is 30, in a professional job (so sensible haircut) and I'm the only one who notices as I feel the back of his head.

It's fine :)

[britbat23]

"Flat head syndrome" ... nonsense invented to prey on the worries of anxious parents (of PFBs)

Back to sleep has been the rule for yonks now (first generation of babies turns 25 this year...) and have you EVER seen an adult with a flat head???

[Twirlyw00]

Also, I only found out about those pillows a week or so ago. I was thinking I should get one but I'm not sure how safe they are once the baby starts rolling around more?

[Twirlyw00]

Again, thank you so much for your responses. It's so reassuring to know that other people have been through this and experienced with the same feelings. I've been worrying myself sick and feeling so awful and you've all helped so much.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

Ds--21 had a flat side, at that time, when he was a baby,it wasn't a concern.

As he grew up you couldn't see it although his hair grew at a strange angle, we called it 'double crown'.

All's well , he looks well and had a round head.

[Woobeedoo]

Friend of mine had twins. One twin had a head that wasn't just flat at the back, it was also flat on one side so it actually had a corner. She really thought her child would have to wear one of those helmets but it managed to sort itself out just fine.

[LonestarStateOfMind]

Dniece had a flat head from about 3 months, she is now 12 months and I was just looking at it again today and it seems to have rectified itself and she is still quite bald so it's not just that her hair is covering it. Please go easy on yourself, you didn't cause it, stop feeling so guilty

[flutterby77]

My son had a flat head on one side which was making his ear lower on that side as he preferred to always turn his head that way, even when holding him, which the physio told me was due to the way he lay in the womb. He was twin a so closest to the exit :) and my girl twin was laying right over the top of him forcing his head in one direction. It was like he didn't know there was another side! We did lots of tummy time and play time on the mat with him facing in the other direction and when we put him down to sleep we used a wheat bag to prop him slightly to force him to look to the other side and it took a few months but it gradually improved and is normal now. I'm sure it will improve on its own when she starts sleeping in other positions.

[Cloclomomo]

Have you got a pillow like this yet? www.jojomamanbebe.co.uk/sp+babymoov-lovenest-cotton-pillow-in-sleep-training-and-night-lights+b1086

My daughter's flat head improved quite a bit after I used a pillow similar to this. My daughter was prem and then had a massive growth spurt (including her head - she comes from a family line of big heads!) which I think meant her head was particularly affected from sleeping on her back.

She still has a very bizarre head shape (triangular) but she is the most beautiful little girl now. I think it is easier to hide for girls as well due to variety of hair styles.

If you are considering a helmet, be aware that there is a maximum age for having them fitted. Also, I think they are rarely given on the NHS so it is quite an expensive exercise.

Also, would you consider trying to get her to sleep on her front (even just for day time naps where you can observe her more)? Presumably she can roll already so could flip if she wanted.

I slept my second child on his front for all sleeps (due to reflux) and he has a lovely round head compared with my first!

Wishing you all the best and I'm sure it will be ok whatever you choose. I have been in your position having terrible thoughts about it, so totally empathise!

[anotherdayanotherdinner]

I know exactly how you feel and feel exactly the same. My ds is now 7 months and I first noticed his flat head at about 4 months. I think it has improved a bit but feel so bad that it happened in the first place. I also have a 3 year old dd so beat myself up that I let my ds lie for longer than I did with dd, didn't give him as much tummy time, etc.

I have taken him to a couple of Drs and 2 hvs have seen it and are not worried in the slightest, i am anxious about it but am constantly told that it will resolve itself or hair will cover it.

I'm not sure if that helps really but I do understand how you feel. The "experts" have got to be right hey, it'll resolve itself....

[Gungdjur]

I live in Sweden where baby pillows are very popular before kids can roll and plagiocephaly has massively reduced as a result. Don't beat yourself up but don't ignore either as it can lead to deformities

[Marylou2]

DD is now 9 with a completely normal shaped head. When she was six months old it was as flat as a pancake at the back. I alternated between try to put her on her tummy which she hated and spending my time staring at her misshapen head from every angle. Please don't worry OP you're doing a fantastic job and my friend who's a health visitor says it's a common worry for new mums.

[tabulahrasa]

I've a friend with twins (non identical) one had a flat head at 6 months, one didn't...she wasn't doing anything differently with them.

As they grew up you'd never notice anyway.

[crayfish]

My BIL is a paediatrician and he told me that more and more now Dr's are of the view that 'flat head syndrome' is just one of those things that happens as part of (some) babies development and actually has nothing to do with whether they sleep on their back or not. It's just the way their skulls form. He was also of the view that helmets and stuff are pointless and most babies heads sort themselves out and get rounder as they grow.

Now this is just his view but he's extremely good at his job and well-respected, and I thought it might make you feel a bit better that your babies head shape may not be anything to do with how they sleep.

[theladywiththelamp]

This is a tough one for you.
My DS2 had a flat head, as a result of tight neck muscles after a traumatic delivery, meaning he only liked to sleep flat on his back or slightly off to the right.
By 7 months old, he had a head like a small alien, which gave me no end of grief and guilt, not to mention a head-watching obsession - every man or boy on the street was observed for head shape for a good 3 month period.
In general, Drs are dismissive of this, and will all say that their heads even out, as there is no NHS treatment, and it is largely considered cosmetic. Some do, some dont. I wasn't happy to leave it to chance, especially since if it worsens, their heads can get so flat, that from the front, the skull is unnaturally wide, giving a triangular appearance, and causing difficulties with fitting bike helmets, glasses, all sorts.
We eventually opted to have a helmet fitted, which was not a decision entered into lightly, both from a cost perspective, and feeling as though I had lost the chance to have my small boys head tucked into my neck for the last time, as I won't have any more children.
The helmet resulted in his head becoming several centimetres more narrow than it was to begin with, and whilst 4 years later he still has a slightly wider than average head, he no longer has that obvious flatness to the back. Personally, I am glad I didn't leave it to chance, and would make the same decision again in a heartbeat, as some kids self-correct, and some sadly don't, and boys in particular with short hair, can have obvious flat heads for life. Each to their own.
The moral is - please, please don't beat yourself up, you have done nothing wrong, you're doing great. Parenthood is one hard slog that none of us get out of without a few scars, and we all do the best we can.
DSshead - your sons' head looks perfect!