AIBU to ask if you sometimes look back and think "If only I ...."

[anyhue]

All things considered I'm happy enough with where I'm at in life (health, relationships, finance, ..etc...), and in a better place than many people I know. In some ways I've been lucky, but some very bad things happened along the way too.

However, I sometimes look back and think "If only I had ..." I thinking of examples where the decision seemed minor at the time but has larger consequences.

Example, I had a chance to work abroad for a few months, didn't take it, and it would have led me on a very different path in life (for better or worse).

Anyone else look back and think "If only I..."

[Puppymouse]

I do have some very specific regrets but to be honest if my decisions had been any different I wouldn't have my DD. And she's incredible. So I can wonder what if... But can't regret what I chose.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I do this all the time. I would change everything.

[Hippywannabe]

Yes, I do this. If only I hadn't had to work all the hours God sent to keep everything together when exdh left, I would have more memories of simply doing things with the kids. If only I hadn't had to make the decision to put DH1 into care due to his extreme behaviour, maybe I wouldn't still wake up in the night screaming inside.
BUT, it can't be changed, DS1(now approaching 30 himself) and I are reconciled and 2nd DH is responsible for lot of that by simply being another adult around. DS1 has been back to live with us as an adult more times than I care to remember.
I have a good relationship with all of them but I do wish I hadn't worked as much.
Bit of a mixed up post really but I think I am trying to say that you make the decisions that you make with the best knowledge and with the best intentions that you have at the time.

[drudgewithagrudge]

Bertie Wooler was quoting from John Greenhead Whittaker's poem Maud Mullen. It is the ultimate "what might have been" story and shows that wishing things had turned out differently is a waste of time.

He also wrote the hymn "Dear Lord and Father of mankind forgive our foolish ways:

[hotdiggedy]

I think sometimes that if I had lived with a parent or two that was interested and showed care that things might have turned out very differently for me but who knows.

[anyhue]

I'd forgotten that book "Lie after life" ... will check out the other ones.

Personally I used think "If only..." to have avoided the very bad things that happened, it might be OK sometimes, but I feel to dwell on it is pointless, past can't be changed.

[Silvertap]

?&&09

[2kids2dogsnosense]

Tezza

Read both of them and enjoyed both of them. "God in Ruins" was a real surprise ending, and it took me a moment to realise that what she was saying was that a single death is not just that - it is the non-existence of a whole range of lives and possibilities.

But agree that "Life after Life" had the edge.

[Tezza1]

Off topic, I'm sorrry
a fabulous book by Kate Atkinson called Life After Life
I love Kate Atkinson. Have you read "A God in Ruins" based on one of Ursula's brothers? I didn't enjoy it as much or find it as satisfying. Still, I'm anxiously awaiting a new book by her: it's been two years.

[phoenix1973]

All the time. All that wasted potential.

[Titflaps]

I wish I had taken a chance with the beautiful Italian boy when I was 16... I should have dumped the twonk I was seeing - who ended up shagging my best friend behind my back - and gone with the beautiful Italian instead. Stupid me.

[Trifleorbust]

Occasionally, but there's no point dwelling - perfectly natural to wonder, though.

[dudsville]

I used to do this, then I realised that in many ways I am the person I wanted to be. I've "aquired" many of the "things" I wanted, even if they aren't just exactly as I pictured it when I was young. So now I go around reminding myself that I am the person I wanted to be! And in that note ice also started wearing the nice clothes etc and appreciating what I have NOW so that I don't look back in 20 years and wish I had realised then how good i had it!

[Lessthanaballpark]

Yeah I do it all the time.

If only I'd had the courage of my convictions and stuck with one career path rather than chopping and changing all the time.

If only I'd had more self confidence.

If only I'd taken that year abroad instead of staying because my boyfriend didn't want me to go.

If only I'd saved my money more....

Etc etc!!

[MothershipG]

I was chatting with DD the other day and she asked why I hadn't got together with DH sooner, I knew him for years before we became a couple. I said yes it was a pity because I'd have liked to have started our family sooner.

She thought about it for a second and then said but if you'd done that you wouldn't have had me (different egg, different sperm) and I'm awesome.

She's 14 (and actually she is pretty awesome, also infuriating and, unlike me at that age, no issues around self esteem).

[EarthboundMisfit]

Every day!

[CuttedUpPear]

for the posters here with such sad regrets.

I've just finished reading a fabulous book by Kate Atkinson called Life After Life where the protagonist is able to go back and change minor things that altered the course of her life.
She actually has to do it again and again before any satisfactory conclusion is brought about.

It's a brilliant book and it gave me a little comfort with my own regrets in that many, many things affect our destinies.

That said, I have loads of 'what ifs' and dwell on them too much.

[SickInBedOnTwoChairs]

I wish I had not followed so doggedly the 'career' path I did. I could have done so much better for myself. I wish I had listened at school but I barely went. I wish the staff (or adults around me generally) had realised what I was dealing with at home and there had been some sort of intervention.

[albertcampionscat]

Cocklodger,

[cocklodger]

*yet a highly depressing way, helped

[Cocklodger]

If only I hadn't gone into that computer room with him alone.
I wouldn't have been destroyed emotionally.
My family wouldn't had been torn apart.
I wouldn't have had a mental breakdown that no one understood in a 14yo.
I would have gotten my GCSE's (Aforementioned mental breakdown put a stop to that. Mum was a single mum on benefits. could not afford a private resit either) saddest thing for me is I was predicted A*/A's across the board and really think I could've done it :(
Sorry.
telling someone in a cryptic and anonymous yet highly depressing way.

[Boogers]

I do try not to dwell on things that have been, but if there is one 'if only' it is 'if only I hadn't left school at 16', because I would have a (free) degree and a career by now and hopefully much better off financially. I've told my children they leave school at 16 over my dead body.

[peppersaunt]

Now that DD is older my one biggest regret is not going back to work after maternity leave.

[RJnomore1]

No I don't. There are decisions I made in the past that I would not make low, but no one eve consciously makes a bad decision. It's against natural order to make a bad decision deliberately, we all do the best we can with the resources we have at that time.

Plus I've been through a lot and I'm pretty strong and I can do a hell of a lot of things and it's been the life I lived that made me who I am.

Madness lies in self blame. I do though learn from where I could have done things better. Usually 😁

[albertcampionscat]

'The saddest words of tongue or pen are these: it might have been'. Bertie Wooster quotes that a lot. My main regret is not having a Jeeves.