To want another baby

[bellend123]

I have two children ages 2 and 4. When I was pregnant with my youngest I became seriously unwell with severe OCD and was eventually diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, I spent five months in psychiatric hospital when my daughter was really young.
I have recovered from it all now, and now I desperately want another baby. I want to breastfeed a baby again, my breastfeeding experience got cut short with my daughter as I had to start medication. I want to do it all again.
My partner is having none of it and is refusing to have another one. My only hope is that when we have sex we use the pull out method and I'm hoping I become pregnant this way.

[JellyBellyKelly]

My Mum had puerperal psychosis after I was born. She (not saying you will) was ill on and off for years.

It has affected me hugely throughout my life. My 'D' Father left when I was 18 months old)

I find your attitude incredibly centred on what you want with very little regard to your DH and DD

My advice is to think long and hard about what it's like on the 'outside' of mental illness.

[LeaveMyWingsBehindMe]

peachy I think we understand that but her youngest is only 2, she is only 29, she's still relatively at the beginning of her journey to recovery and it's too soon, I think, to be taking a massive gamble like this. The fact that she's even thinking about it and not really being realistic about the gravity of her condition and the strong likelihood of it returning, triggered by pregnancy and/or PND tells me that she's not yet as well as she thinks she is.

There is loads of time for another child, she needs to work on getting and staying properly well and stable for another couple of years at least yet, and making up for lost time with the children she already has.

If I were her mother or her husband or her doctor I'd be terrified and horrified to hear her talking like this.

[YelloDraw]

Keep yourself well.
Develop a bond with your youngest.
Invest in your relationship with both children.
Don't FFS get pg when your DH doesn't want to. Although he's a right idiot for relying on the withdrawal method if he really doesn't want another baby.

[peachypips]

expat did you actually read my post? I am not advising her to go and get pregnant- I am advising her to get professional preconception advice from a specialist perinatal consultant and wait to conceive IF they say she can have a baby and be likely to stay well.
I think calling the OP selfish is incredibly simplistic. She has a very natural urge and yearning for a baby, which has been deepened by the incredible sense of loss she feels at losing the first year with her babies. Can we have some compassion please?

[expatinscotland]

Copper coil has no hormones. Condoms don't, either.

[bellend123]

What's that a picture of hellsbells?

I was going to get the implant a while ago but the mental health team told me not to get it because hormonal contraception has affected my mood in the past.

[hellsbellsmelons]

WTF - I don't do this often but have one of these

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

She probably does. She'd become even closer to her father if you were hospitalised again, though, and your new baby would have to stop breastfeeding again. You'd need to wait to stabilise, and then you'd have the same craving again. That woudn't be fair on you, your DH, your current daughter or your new baby.

It's not that people with MH issues shouldn't have children, not at all. But you have stabilised and you can be a wonderful mother to your daughter now, and you'd have to take a serious relapse risk to have another child - your primary motivation seems to be to do the things that you felt you gave up too early last time, or see the things you missed. The exact same is likely to happen again, though.

Good point Wanna is it normal for a woman being medicated for PS to be not on a decent form of BC? It sounds like a terrible oversight on the part of her HCPs to me. confused would they not push for her to have an implant or coil?

No, it's not. Not even sectioned women are pushed to have the implant or coil. My mother got pregnant many times whilst having a prolonged breakdown and having untreated bipolar, being sectioned very regularly for years.

Despite the fact that it would obviously have been preferable for her to stop reproducing, even if that meant I didn't exist, it is an awful thought that HCPs should have any say into contraception. They should make sure it's accessible, but that's it.

[expatinscotland]

AIBU? Everyone bar one person, YES! OP, thanks to the one person who agrees with my selfishness. I'll endanger my health, my life, my relationship, my kid's lives (if you think SS isn't going to be involved, guess again!) and be irresponsible to serve my own ends.

[bellend123]

Thank you peachypips for your really helpful post.

To the person who asked I'm almost 29 and my partner is 33.

I've been looking at pictures of my daughter breastfeeding, she looks so cute.

[Bigfam]

it's as simple as putting your child to your nipple and letting them feed.

Of course it is, me and my right breast still aren't talking to eachother properly after it decided to develop a breast abscess, land me in hospital & end up deformed, maybe if I'd have just explained to dearest boob how easy it is, I could have saved myself all this trouble

The reasons you give for wanting another baby do seem selfish & although your partner should be using protection, it's a really awful idea to try and get pregnant, basically, without him consenting.

I agree with the pp who said you should focus on bonding with your daughter (and partner) & on your own well being. It doesn't mean having another baby in the future is completely off the cards, but right now, none of you are ready.

[SleepyRoo]

Sorry - pressed post too soon.

Babies aren't babies for very long. You have to want to have another child who is a toddler, a tween, an adult ... It's just immature to want reproduce for such ephemeral reasons, sorry, Yabu

[KnitFastDieWarm]

thanks kate33 I'm very lucky to have great support, the right meds, and a dh who is incredibly in tune with my moods and can spot when I'm sinking. My mental health had actually been very stable once my dc arrived but I never take any chances!

[SleepyRoo]

Babies aren't babies for l

[KnitFastDieWarm]

peachy I totally agree that MH issues shouldn't be a blanket barrier to having children and it gives me the rage when people argue that only those in 100% top physical and mental health should ttc (otherwise I wouldn't have any! ) but I think that as a parent or potential parent, it's important to go about it responsibly and from a point of stability and good support. The OP doesn't sound like she's in a great place right now to be making the decision to ttc.

[peachypips]

Also, something I have learnt is that I can't change the past (ie replace the year I lost) but I can change the future, so I spend lots of time with my boys investing in our relationship. You could invest the next 18 months in bonding more with your daughter rather than being pregnant, and then when your bond is stronger you are better placed to parent a new baby.

[peachypips]

I totally totally understand where you are coming from OP. I too had severe postnatal illness after both of my children and have subsequently been diagnosed with bipolar. I was also robbed of the early days with my children and had no opportunity to breastfeed no 2 due to my meds. Mine are 8 and 6 and I long for another baby for almost the same reasons you do- to have the chance to try again to 'get it right' and enjoy what everyone else has. I always wanted four children and have two.
I think some previous posters have been grossly unfair to you and some have not felt how it feels to have no memory of their newborns.
However, I think falling pregnant without your husband's consent is not right. If I was you I would go to the GP and ask to be referred to your community perinatal team (if you have one). Then you can get pre-conception counselling to decide if it is possible for you to stay well AND have another baby. I would also wait another year before TTC.
I personally have decided to not have another baby even though it breaks my heart. This is because I have two lovely kids (feel v lucky to have survived both times) and I can't risk them losing me for 18 months. But you might be able to safely have a baby at a later stage depending on the advice of a specialist perinatal psychiatrist.
I think that insisting someone can't have another baby due to mental health issues is shortsighted.

[ilovesooty]

If your husband is serious about not wanting another child he needs to take control of contraception. You don't sound capable of considering this rationally.

[phillipp]

I would be able to breastfeed again, it's as simple as putting your child to your nipple and letting them feed.

If it's that easy, why didn't it work out last time? It didn't work that way because you became ill. Which has a high chance of happening again, if you change your meds.

I think the reason I want another baby is that my daughter won't let me cuddle and kiss her, she is only attached to her daddy because he looked after her those five months I was in hospital.

I understand that makes you sad. But there is a high chance this will happen again.

Do you think having another baby (even if it goes well) will strengthen your bond with your Dd. And if you end up ill again, how will that help your bond?

I know you think you have stabilised, but your posts don't come across as someone thinking rationally.

But I am really shocked your OH is not using any other contraception.

[LeaveMyWingsBehindMe]

Good point Wanna is it normal for a woman being medicated for PS to be not on a decent form of BC? It sounds like a terrible oversight on the part of her HCPs to me. would they not push for her to have an implant or coil?

[LeaveMyWingsBehindMe]

Also, your little girl needs you to make more effort to bond with her. Having another baby to cuddle because she's not cuddly enough is hardly going to help her with her attachment to daddy issues, is it?

Ask your GP or health visitor for some support to help you bond with her better. Don't just have another baby to replace what you didn't have with her. That will just do more damage.

[WannaBe]

"I have recovered from all that now." you don't recover from paranoid schizophrenia you keep it under control with serious amounts of medication.

The very fact that you have started this thread saying how desperately you want a baby and have turned it around to accepting that you won't within the space of 50 posts speaks volumes about the fact that you are incredibly volatile plus not able to take ownership of your own life.

And you really need to start using contraception, not least because if you did fall pregnant, I'm sure that most anti psychotics are contra indicated with pregnancy and you could end up with a baby with severe disabilities through your own selfish want for a baby.

[cherryplumbanana]

good grief, this is not a real thread, is it. None of it rings true.

If anyone reading is agreeing with the it's as simple as putting your child to your nipple and letting them feed please please please read all the testimonies from women having horrible breast feeding experience.

Don't get me wrong, it can be a wonderful experience, but it's not always as simple as that. Why do you think mothers employed wet nurses in the past? It wasn't only a social class thing.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

How about being grateful for the two you have?

[OnionKnight]

YABU.

Focus on the children you already have instead of trying to replace them.