to not know whether this is normal...should I be annoyed?

[vulgarbunting]

My PIL have always been extremely critical of decisions in my and my DH's lives. Everything from holiday destinations, and what we eat for dinner, to bigger decisions like where we live.

Around November last year it became unbearable, and so as a result I didn't see them for 6 months (my DH saw them alone every couple of months). About a month ago I decided the situation was ridiculous, so I met with my MIL and told her that unless they butted out of our lives (obviously I was more polite than that!), I would struggle to have a relationship with them.

She agreed, and I have since seen them a couple of times. The criticism when I am there has (mostly) stopped.

However, when my DH occasionally goes to visit them alone (they request he goes there alone, super bizarre, but I wouldn't want to see them anyway), they are still massively critical. Nothing we do is right. Now obviously I don't hear it, but he reports back and it annoys me so much.

AIBU to get annoyed? On the one hand I feel like I don't hear it from them directly, so it's my DH's issue, not mine. Also, they have improved around me..On the other hand I can't bear this constant whinging from them behind my back.

[amprev]

If my in laws expected only my DH to visit, without me, I would hope my DH would tell them where to get off.

[embo1]

He needs to grow a pair and tell them to keep their noses out!

[Lilacpink40]

My exPIL created my STBXH's problems and didn't like the fact that I didn't play along with them (he was a spoilt boy and they wanted to control us, he wanted to control me). They now have his OW to put up with and I hear are finding that worse than having me yes I do delight in knowing this.

As other posters have said, they will give your DH ideas that do not benefit your marriage. They sound highly toxic. Has he considered a longer term break from them, or at least meeting them in very public spaces where they're less likely to be toxic?

[EttaJ]

I feel for you .

My PIL are mainly lovely, FIL is adorable but MIL is very critical of everything. She'll criticize peoples appearances and is quite spiteful . It's incredibly annoying. My DH puts it down to their age but it's not that ,she's always been that way.

DH needs to stop unloading on you or tell his parents to stop it. It's not fair on you at all.

[Italiangreyhound]

vulgarbunting I am afraid he is clearly not blocking it out and letting it go over him, he is absorbing it and repeating to you.

The first step, as others have said, is to not repeat it. I would also ask/tell your dh to inform his parents that having had a chat with you he will not be repeating any critical comments to you from them.

If he can genuinely stick to this then probably some of the negative comments will dry up, but you would not know either way!

Lastly, I would ask your husband to pull them up on any criticism. I mean broken record, just the same thing, nicely every time. Just gently, maybe just say 'that sounds like criticism, can you be positive about our plans...." They may get bored of hearing that.

In your shoes I would encourage seeing them with him, less frequently, and for shorter periods of time. Then you can model for your dh how to disengage from their toxic opinions. If you are not willing to do this (which I know will be hard) the danger is they will send some poisonous tendrils into your marriage via your dh when you are not around!

Re the renting v buying, just do not engage. These are ou rplans.... this is what we are doing... no need to defend or explain your plans, they are your plans, thought you may like to know.

If you need to (if DH needs it), practice this as role play at home! Honestly, take it in turns to deflect the crap! Then when it happens for real give your dh a knowing smile that says, we have prepared for this.

Or do I just like improvisation too much!

You need a united front and a no crap policy.

They may well be unable to change, in which case you may wish to just see less of them and both tune out!

Good luck.

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

Stop asking.
Let DH puzzle it out for himself.
Sooner or later he will find himself needing to talk to you. To understand.

[Canyouforgiveher]

I do ask what they say, in an 'anything I need to know?' sort of way, after he has seen them. He will occasionally get down about his relationship with them (which has never been good) and tell me spontaneously what they have been saying.

I don't mind the digs about minor issues much, it's when they try to control the big things that annoys me. They have had an extremely tough life, and as a result are incredibly risk averse. For example, we plan to buy a house next year (which we can absolutely afford to do, without their help), and they want us to rent forever.

I suggest you say "How was everyone?" and leave it at that after his visits.

If he talks about his relationship with them as in needing to vent/talk/get advice then of course you listen and help him.

I wonder whether you are too sensitive about their opinions though. So what if they think you should rent forever and are vocal about saying so. You don't have to change your own decisions - you can go ahead and buy. Ditto all sorts of things. They express strong opinions and then you ignore and do what you want anyway. Lots of parents have strong opinions, even nice parents, but it doesn't make any difference to their adult children.

I wonder if you should start saying "yes I can see why you would think that" to every statement they make.

they have no power over you. their opinions are only that - they can't do anything with them except annoy you.

[honeylulu]

Why is he repeating the nasty stuff to you? Tell him to stop! My H used to do this when I fell out with my MIL. It just delayed any kind of rapprochement as I'd get annoyed all over again.