DH nearly died and I'm a nervous wreck

[Dressingdown1]

Four weeks ago I found DH collapsed and unconscious. We were blue lighted in the early hours to a hospital with a specialist unit, where he had an emergency operation. 80% of people with his condition die without regaining consciousness.

He is now home and recovering well but I am totally traumatised. I simply can't stop remembering the horror of it all and if I don't know exactly where he is at any time, I go to pieces. I know this can't go on long term, but for the moment, I can hardly get through the day.

We have plenty of family support, but I feel that everyone thinks we should just be glad he's ok, and I should be getting back to normal. One or two friends have suggested going out for a coffee or on a shopping trip, but really I can't bear to leave him for long. He is still quite physically dependant on me, though improving all the time.

Am I reacting normally do you think? Do I need to get a grip ? If so, how???

[WaxyBean]

A friend suffered ptsd after resuscitating her husband during a cardiac arrest - she didn't sleep for years after and still lives in a heightened state of anxiousness. While these feelings are normal immediately after such an event, do see a GP yourself if these feelings don't subside.

[Penfold007]

I think your feelings are entirely normal, I went through similar. I was on my own with DH when his heart stopped. It was very frightening. It took me a long time to feel secure once he came home from the hospital. Be kind to yourself and take time to adjust to the new normal.

[YouOKHun]

OP, ignore mrstina's rather hysterical and inaccurate post, especially the bit about 'being reported to a higher authority'. There is some good help out there via the NHS should you need it later, but yes, she is right about your reaction being normal right now.

[greedygorb]

DH nearly died from an asthma attack. I found him and had to call the ambulance. Was told it was touch n go etc when I got to the hospital etc. Took me a good while to get over it. Kept getting panicky when I thought of it. Was ridiculously over protective and living on my nerves. It passed though. I think it's a normal reaction. If it goes on for ages and is getting worse then it could be a problem. Talking to sympathetic people about it made it better. If there's been the internet then to write down the fears that would've helped too.

[flibbidygibbet]

I struggled after watching dd have an anaphylaxis. Life felt fragile and scary.

Give yourself time and kindness. I found meditation helpful.

What I found really useful was 'baby steps'. Spending tiny amounts of time away and then a bit more. Go at a pace you can cope with but do try to do it. It's good for everyone.

All best wishes to your dh and family. Hope he recovers well.

[OhYouBadBadKitten]

mrstina, there is no danger of the op being reported by her go to anyone. That sort of fear is why many people don't seek help when they need it.

[weegiemum]

Glad to hear your dh is doing better.

My dh struggled for several months after I had septicaemia which put me in crashing kidney failure last year - i was in itu waiting for dialysis when my levels started to fall. I've got over it very well - in fact, I'm quite chilled since then. Dh has found it hard to leave me - and he's a doctor! He's certainly had some debrief sessions with his own gp and a couple of medical friends which really helped.

Would you be able to talk through the events with a counsellor, or a HCP who cared for your dh (obviously with his consent)? It might help to process what you've been through. I totally agree with what a pp said about it being hard for the relatives - I had a lovely week of relaxed hallucinations as I got progressively more septic when dh and my family were going nuts with anxiety.

Hoping he'll be much better soon x

[froubylou]

I had similar OP. DP woke me up one night feeling ill. After 30 mins I called an ambulance. He was blue lighted in and had part of his bowel and appendix removed the next day. His bowel had perforated and he had peritonitis. When they opened him up they said he was about an hour away fro his perironical membrane perforating which would have meant septicimia.

I was ok until they took him down to theatre. And lost it completely after seeing him on the HDU ward after his op.

And then years later the bugger had a heart attack too. Recovered from both fully now and figthing fit.

What worried me more wasn't losing dp but losing one.of the dcs. I sort of projected onto them if that makes sense? But it does get better with time. I found his recovery hard work too as he was very anxious and quite depressed understandibly.

[NarcyCow]

DS's birth didn't go well and it took them 12 minutes to rescussitate him. He survived but it took me 9 solid months to get through a day without dissolving in tears over it.

Go easy on yourself. You've been through something very traumatic, it'll take you a while to having that memory floating around in your head. A chat with your GP would be a good idea.

[harverina]

I agree with those who have said its a normal reaction. I would give it time and if you are still feeling as panicked in 6/8 weeks then speak to your GP.

I went through similar last year - found DD unconscious - very similar story. 999 call, she was unconscious for 10minutes, blue light, dropping heart rate, emergency surgery. Then the prospect of it being related to a possible serious illness. Scans, waiting for results etc.

I can't describe the horror in one paragraph.

Even now 17 months later I am not as calm as I used to be. I still have moments where I think "what if" but it is much better than it used to be. One day I realised that I didn't check on her quite so often and that I was sleeping better again. It took time. Months and months probably.

When you face something as traumatic it's only natural that there will be some stress and anxiety afterwards. Give yourself time and know that what you are experiencing is normal.

PM if you would like. Not sure if it was the same illness as your DH but DD had suffered a pretty huge brain haemorrhage.

[ProfYaffle]

Another one in the club here though we're 12 years down the line. Dh was diagnosed with a brain tumour 12 years ago, the original surgery was horrific but he's now fine. The treatment has continued but we'll never have a clear yes/no answer as to whether it's gone forever or not.

Managing the anxiety is definitely the hardest part. I'd say it took me about 3 months to 'get over' the original op. We've learned over the years not to worry until we have something to worry about, it just spoils the time we should have to relax and enjoy. I'm not entirely sure how we do it so that's probably not terribly useful! I have found that my anxiety comes out in odd ways though, I spent years convinced that our house would fall down around our ears Talking things through with the medics and trusting your consultant is really very important.

Sorry - I don't feel that's been terribly helpful!

[heknowsmysinsheseesmysoul]

I agree with PP that although this is awful to experience, you are going through a normal acute stress reaction.

PTSD is a specific cluster of symptoms which extend for a period of time after the event. What you're describing is a normal response to trauma which will likely improve on its own but if it doesn't, see your GP about the possibility of some counselling to help you process what happened.

[GingerbreadMouse]

I'm sorry you have both gone through this. Is there a support group open to you, either for sufferers of his particular condition, or for their families/carers? It might help to be in touch with people who know exactly what you are going though.

[Dressingdown1]

Thanks to all who responded, hearing about other peoples' experiences is very reassuring. We have met one other family locally who have had exactly the same issue and it is good to talk it through with them.

I think I felt particularly bad today because I was talking to a friend who seemed very surprised that I still feel so anxious. I definitely get the impression that some people think I am making an unnecessary fuss.

[PrincessHairyMclary]

T could be ATSD ( Acute Traumatic Stress Disorder) it last about a month or so I had symptoms after witnessing / being first on scene at a fatal RTC.

My neighbour takes a Walkie talkie out with him to stay in touch with his disabled wife when he takes the dogs out etc could you do that in the short term or would one of the fall alarms OAP often have be useful in your situation?

[meiisme]

For intrusive images that you can't shake off, you can try to spin them round in your mind until they are blurry like one of those spinning rainbow toy wind vanes, and then let them dissolve.

[harverina]

I still beg intrusive images 17 months on. But they are less frequent and more likely to be triggered by something - so for example last week I had a work meeting in the same hospital as dd was taken to when she was unwell. I started to cry on my way through and could picture us sitting in the cafe waiting for news etc.

[bookbuddy]

I had a very similar situation with my 2 year old at the time, I ended up having cbt for ptsd and now I feel back to my normal self. Give yourself some time to come to terms with the trauma you've experienced if your still feeling distant in a couple of weeks get professional advice. You can self refer to talking therapies

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

What you're feeling is completely understandable and natural. Yes, Thank the sweet Lord your DH pulled through and is on the mend, but without wanting to add to your upset. It could have just as easily have gone the other way, but I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. So of you're going to be thinking. What if. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't. Absolutely you're going to fear the worse when you can't get in touch with him.
I remember my dd was almost knocked down by a speeding car.It just seemed to appear from nowhere. It literally missed her by a second. I'm still shaken up even now. I keep thinking what If she'd have taken one more step. The speed it was going. My dd would not have stood a chance.
It totally shakes you up and makes you realise even more. How precious life is and never to take it for granted.
I agree with Bishy. You've gone through the most horrific experience.
Take care of yourself and it goes with out saying. We're here for you for as you need us.
. Love and thoughts.

[KittensWithWeapons]

Oh, YANBU at all. My heart goes out to you. I've been there, it's awful. DP suffered a serious head injury several years ago and it seriously affected me. And I didn't even witness the worst of it, as you did. Still, for about two years afterwards, I didn't sleep properly. Would wake regularly and check that he was still breathing. Sometimes I sat awake all night watching him sleep, to make sure that he was breathing. He sustained brain damage and developed a seizure disorder. I'm always on the lookout for signs of an impending seizure. If he's tired and stumbles over his words I leap into high alert.

I will be honest, something like this changes you. I've always been an anxious person, but my anxiety has escalated wildly since DP's accident.

Please don't pay any heed to mrstina. If you need additional support, please ask for it.

You can move past this though. It's tough and you will need support. Whether that's counselling, friends and family in real life, or on here is up to you. For me it was on here, as irl people were either too freaked out by what happened that they refused to talk about it, or were so upset (eg his sister) that they weren't in a position to support me as they themselves needed support.

Yes, your reaction is totally normal. Please don't put pressure on yourself to 'get back to normal'. It takes time. As this thread has shown, there are unfortunately plenty of people on here who understand what you're going through. If you're ever having a wobble, post here, I promise you'll get the support you need.

[AnnieOnnieMouse]

Another echoing the opinion that your reactions are normal. You've had a hell of a shock and a scare and worry, and that takes a lot of getting over.
See if you can find a sympathetic friend, and explain that you really need to talk about it a lot, and vent, vent, vent.
If after a couple of weeks it doesn't seem to be easing, then yes, go ask your GP for some support - if you have a faith, go talk to someone at the church/chapel/whatever.
Glad your dh is home and improving. As he continues to heal, hopefully so should you.
I do understand about being worried to leave him - first time dh went out for a walk on his own after major surgery I was at the window the whole time.

[KittensWithWeapons]

Another thing that makes it hard is that your DP tends to be the person that you share everything with. Worries, fears, anxieties. But when it's them that you're worrying about, you can't. I can't tell my DP how much I worry about him, it'd stress him out far too much. It's a lonely place to be. There's hands to hold yours here, if you need it.

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

Please don't beat yourself up - what an absolute shock!
How thoughtless that people think you should be somehow 'through' such a difficult episode...

Deffo GP to chat through - I would keep in mind theu may well offer you medication to help you through the short term...

I would definitely try some self compassion exercises... Many of them are on you tube and it can calm all the internal chatter (intrusive thoughts and images) down.

Some on Google here...
www.google.co.uk/search?q=self+compassion+exercises&oq=self&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j35i39l2j69i65j5.5345j0j4&client=ms-android-samsung&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8
And also would look at anything by russ Harris

[SapphireStrange]

I've nothing new to add, but wanted to add my support. You don't need a grip, or to be 'over it'; it was a massive and dreadful shock and you need to be kind to yourself. I think a chat with an understanding GP would be a great start.