To not even know what to do or say anymore.

[Whenwillthisend2016]

I'm emotionally fucked, even physically.

I have an 8 year old boy, I have a husband who is not his biological father (child does not yet know any different, biological has not been seen since conception)

He's a nightmare, I don't actually know what I have done so wrong. I have 2 smaller children with DH, we treat them all fairly and set the same rules for everyone.

For the 8 year old, everything is because 'we hate him' he'll kick and stamp all evening till 11pm/12am every night because 'it's all our faults that he hates us because we hate him' my 1year old and 3 year old are being woken and disrupted every fucking night... 1 year old often won't settle again till 2/3am after being woken.

He screams, demands, throws things at me, scares the smaller children, answers back, steals from the kitchen in the early hours (5am) he stole from a shop on our recent holiday (sweets) he's violent, he doesn't listen at school, he has to be physically undressed and placed in the bath or he won't bath (then accuses me of hurting him because I've taken his shirt off) he smears faeces over the loo seat several times a day.

DH and I are strong, but we are exhausted - we need a night where we can sleep before 12.30am because DH gets up at 5.30am for work...

I'm terrified the neighbours judge us when he screams like a wild animal all evening like he's being killed but apart from gently guiding him up to his room nobody does anything wrong to him.

He told me unless I get him unlimited broadband that he will make my life hell. I said we can discuss this and there would have to be a curfew so he wouldn't be on it all night, he said that he won't listen as he wants his 'own life'

Ahhhhnh I'm terrified of loosing my orher children because of his behaviour 😰

[Fairylea]

Smearing faeces doesn't necessarily signify sexual abuse, it is fairly common in children with asd and sensory difficulties. Usually it is related to the child seeking the sensory feeling / even seeking the smell. Often treatment involves replacing the undesirable activity with a similar one - so giving play doh to play with, gelli bath stuff, mud pies in the garden etc etc. If you look up "sensory diet" on google there's lots of information. A child whose sensory needs aren't being met in other ways will seek to fill them by doing things that do- like smearing, spitting, banging (this can actually be pleasure able for them - causes vibrations in the ear canal etc) and so on. A lot of it can also be stimming activities - self comforting repetitive behaviours.

[Whenwillthisend2016]

He hasn't formed any friendships, and he's now going into year 4.

Same school since reception, it's so sad. And tiring..,

[2kids2dogsnosense]

unlucky

Excellent post. Really good practical advice to help with daily management.

[Papergirl1968]

My DDs (adopted) have some of these behaviours.
Yep, GP is the first step. I would ask for an urgent referral to CAHMS, the child and adolescent mental health service. GP or possibly a psychiatrist may also be able to prescribe something like melatonin and/or respiradone to calm him down.
I think I would go right back to basics and put in place a very structured, closely supervised routine as for a much younger child.
Can you get him into a calm bedtime routine? Quietening down a good hour before bed, stimulating electronic devices off, bath, story etc?
What's his diet like? Too many fizzy drinks, sweets, etc could be making his behaviour worse. Could you get a lock on the kitchen door?
Does he get fresh air and exercise? Horse riding has done wonders for my oldest - she says horses make her happy. A trampoline is also good for bouncing out their frustrations. Or I've heard martial arts can work well for challenging kids.
Worth trying a star chart? Each star earned means x minutes broadband? I certainly wouldn't be giving him unlimited broadband. In fact I'd be limiting it to around an hour a day.
I'd also be accompanying him on trips to the toilet to ensure he can't smear, and generally be keeping him quite close - colouring at the kitchen table while you're cooking etc. Think time in rather than time out.
Can you pinpoint when these issues began or has he always been difficult? Like pp, I suspect he has guessed about his father and is maybe jealous of his siblings. But I honestly don't know if this is the right time to tell him. I think I would be inclined to get things on a more even keel first.
Just a few thoughts. I know how draining a child like this can be. I'm lucky in that we now get a lot of support due to my DDs' needs but the adoption has been in danger of breaking down several times. I'm on anti depressants but even so there are days when I cry.

[LizKeen]

My DD isn't as extreme, but a lot of that is similar. The stuff about hating him/you, the exaggeration of physical actions, the stealing food, the rages etc.

We are going through assessment for ASD at the minute. We also considered PDA at the height of the destructive behaviour, but things have calmed down considerably in the last few months.

You need to make an appointment with your GP and discuss all of this. In my own personal experience, schools don't want to deal with anything that isn't strictly academic, so you do need to go through the GP.

[GarlicMistake]

accuses me of hurting him because I've taken his shirt off
'hurting me and nearly strangling me' because I gently took his clothes off of him.

I'm going to suggest SN, too. A lot of autism spectrum disorders include extreme physical sensitivity in some areas: a common one is hairbrushing - the "roots hurt". There are other things that can cause sensitivity, too, but this sounds so classic for ASD I'm highly inclined to suggest this is where you start looking. It's really not uncommon for kids with ASDs to show weird behaviours around poo, either. Many swing between weird poo-ing everywhere (hiding poo is common) and refusing to evacuate until they become impacted.

You need to find out who looks after his school's SN policy, and start from there. You might end up needing monster persistence, but there's a whole board on here who can inform & encourage you.

Good luck.

[GarlicMistake]

My free hint for the day:

Although most people with ASDs benefit from solid boundaries and routines, there is one aspect of this that's often ignored. You will get further by encouraging desired behaviours in a kind of sideways approach. Rather than directly asking/telling the child what to do, try discussing around the subject so DC comes to the idea by himself. Instead of punishing & rewarding behaviours, try the discussion around it. Actually this works with about half the human race (ever had a boss who needed to believe it was their own idea?) but there isn't too much documentation on it. Again, the SN board is fairly clued-up.

[GarlicMistake]

See what I mean about the sensitivity? sensorysmart.co.uk

[Papergirl1968]

Ps just to say that although I suggested giving them a go, star charts don't work with my DDs, and neither does ignoring the bad behaviour and rewarding the good behaviour, as the bad behaviour just escalates.
It's very much trial and error to find something that goes work.

[Papergirl1968]

Last line should read does work...

[GarlicMistake]

Have a look at the Red Flags Leaflet on this link! sensorysmart.co.uk/resources-links/4535998064

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

Op, thank you for having the honesty to start this thread. My son is younger than yours but also displays some of these behaviours. I also feel totally at a loss about how best to help him. I totally sympathise with how you feel.

One if the posters above mentioned ODD, which i'd never heard of but googled last night. I felt like I'd found a description of my son. I'm going to start following it up today with a call to the gp, then speak to school in September.

So, thank you. If you're happy to continue to share your journey to finding some help, I'm happy to share mine. It might be nice to feel less alone.

(FYI - a senco is the person responsible for Sen in a school. Every school must have one, but in primary school it's likely to be an additional responsibility of a teacher and the job title may not be so commonly known, whereas in secondary it tends to be the person's main role and all parents/pupils would know who it was)

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

Sorry. I didn't see the latest posts. I see others have already explained what a senco is.

[ToastDemon]

It sounds like ASD or something similar to me as well. A friend's little boy had some very similar behaviours aged about 6. There is hope, thanks to a diagnosis and appropriate management he is lovely aged 12.

[Whenwillthisend2016]

Thanks, I'll try and get a GP appointment.

I've posted on our local parenting Facebook page and it seems the Channel Islands make it very very difficult for parents to get the child the help they need. They don't seem to recognise any of the listed problems, some parents have been trying for 5 plus years for the correct channels to actually help.

It's so difficult, the thought of having years of this makes me want to break down. What did I do so wrong???

[SandyY2K]

Why haven't you taken him to the GP yet? He may have ADHD or something else that requires medication.

Kids certainly play up,.but his behaviour isn't the norm.

See your GP and discuss a referral to a child psychologist. The sooner you get professional support for him the better.

[Whenwillthisend2016]

Well, to be honest my mum always says to me 'behavioural problems don't exist' so I guessed I've just had it brushed aside for so long I just thought he's just a naughty child.

And not only that, I'm scared to go to the GP what if they just think I'm a failure of a mother, or perhaps he is just naughty and I'm not good enough at parenting him.

[unlucky83]

Agreeing with Polter - humour works well too! And acknowledging you know they find it hard and they aren't deliberately behaving the way they are.
Depending on the circumstances if DD1 is being oppositional about something silly - something like pass me XYZ can set her off...she is self aware enough to realise that she is overreacting to a perfectly reasonable request -so I'll make a joke about it. Just acknowledging what we both know. Or if she is being really difficult instead of fighting with her I'll try and make her laugh instead - just say something random -change the subject -or walk away and try again later.
It is hard work - but some things - like the changing the way you ask them to do something soon becomes habit and actually makes a huge difference. And I do still lose my temper/sense of humour/patience - but then like every other human (parent) on the planet I am not perfect....you can only do the best you can.
Get to the GP - don't worry about other's experiences with the system -deal with that when and if you need to.
I had heard it was difficult to get an ADHD diagnosis and I didn't want DD labelled* so even though I strongly suspected she did have it I didn't even try until she was a teenager and I thought she was about to drop out of school - GP to diagnosis took 4 months - she had just turned 14. They spoke to her schools, looked at her school reports etc -there was so much evidence there was no doubt. At 8, with some problems at school you should have quite a bit of evidence from elsewhere already - and as I said even if he doesn't have SN you still need help...

• labelled - my reluctance was a mistake - diagnosis improves their self esteem as there is a reason they find things difficult, it makes you feel better - you're not just a crap parent and they (should) get more help and understanding at school...

[unlucky83]

And ignore your DM...
My DM has accused me ruining DDs life -labelling her with a mental health issue etc. Which if anything I find amusing.
I am almost sure I have ADHD - awaiting my assessment - part of the reason why I understand DD1 so well -we are very alike.
And as a child DM took me to the GP because I was 'hyperactive' (at the time things like that weren't taken very seriously) and also spoke to the GP behind my back when I was about 14 about my 'mental health' -only found out years later.
By DD1's age I was completely out of control - my relationship with my parents broke down completely for my years (we are just about OK now).
I've had serious depression etc...if a diagnosis spares DD any of that it is worth it.
I have tried to calmly explain it to DM and have also snapped - if I am doing it so wrong why is my 15yo is still speaking to me and going to school? (at that age I wasn't speaking to her - or going to school...)
She coming around to the idea more now - especially as I am going for a diagnosis...
But it isn't for your DM - or even you - it is for your DS. So he gets the help he needs.

[timelytess]

Just imagining for a minute he's asd... not all of us are unaware of other people's emotions. Its possible he looks at you and your husband and two younger children and 'sees' that there is a bond there that is not there for him and therefore thinks you 'hate' him.

Please think about explaining to him about his biological father. It might help.

[Sooooobored]

My dc, both adopted like a previous op, are exactly the same - terrible rages, taking food at night, hypersensitivity. My eldest age 13 cannot have a bath without screaming down the whole neighbourhood because 'it hurts.'

The main difference for both of them is that they were aggressive and non-compliant at school from a very young age and both are in special schools now. Btw my dc have adhd not asd as well as attachment issues.

It is hard and wearing and constant.

I started by taking them to the gp and putting pressure on the schools to get assessments and support as they complained a lot but didn't do a great deal.