To think if you invite someone round for drinks and a natter

[thepurplehen]

You shouldn't text 3 hours before the meet up to say you've decided to go out with your daughter (who lives with you) instead?

No special occasion or reason. Just a change of mind.

Not the first time either.

[emotionsecho]

I wouldn't bother answering her questions, I'd have to tape my fingers together to not type back a response along the lines of "If you'd come round I could have answered all these questions in person".

[April241]

Yep, really bloody annoying. I have a friend who does this on a very regular basis, usually last minute. The excuses are getting crap now but it's funny to see what they'll come up with.

Agree with a pp aswell, whenever we make plans I don't bother to get ready because I know the cancellation text is coming anytime.

I've decided just to let them text me and arrange plans and if I can make it then fine but if not then tough, it's a bit sad as I've known them a very long time and didn't think it would happen but I suppose not all friendships last.

[OutToGetYou]

I'd be so tempted to text back "oh, was that tonight, out with Marie, catch you soon, soz".

[maggiethemagpie]

I'd ignore the text.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Brilliant reply, OutToGetYou
Or wait for her to invite you over and text an hour before explaining that you can't make it, you need to cut your toenails.

[NuffSaidSam]

I've got a friend like this and I think you have to either accept them for who they are or end the friendship because they won't change.

With my friend I've just accepted it because she's fab in loads of other ways. If you need help with anything she's there, reliably, in a flash. If you need anything, she'll lend it no questions asked. She's fun to be around. Her DS and mine have become good friends.

She's just horrendously bad at honouring social engagements. I've found the key is to never commit entirely. With lunches/dinners etc. we always do stuff in a group so if she doesn't show it doesn't really matter, the rest of us still have a nice time. With this sort of thing, I always keep it a 'might see X for drinks' type arrangement rather than 'I will be seeing X for drinks'. With the DC, we arrange to meet somewhere and I never tell my DS they are coming, if she turns up great, if not no problem we still have a nice day at the park/softplay/zoo etc.

Since I've adopted this system her massive unreliability doesn't bother me at all and I'm just left with the positive aspects of our friendship. I think it's hard if you feel like you're more invested in the friendship than the other person.

[thepurplehen]

I think what has happened is that I've changed my expectations now and don't make any big sacrifices or changes to my lifestyle to see her. I don't book time off work or juggle things around to see her, I don't suggest going out or doing anything nice because it's so much more disappointing / inconvenient when she lets me down.

Inevitably the friendship has cooled because of the lack of commitment from me because of her many let downs. From her side it's probably easier to cancel drinks at hers than a meal in a restaurant,

It's a bit of a vicious circle.

[pictish]

Did you reply to the keeping-you-on-side questions?

[Catsick36]

My mum sister and sister in law do this. If something better comes up they cancel me or re arrange so many times no one knows what they are doing.

She's been a good friend in the past maybe she's earnt this one?

[ShipwreckedAndComatose]

I've sent a curt, but polite reply back and then I've had a load of questions back showing an interest in my life. Strange. If she was that interested I'd be telling her in person

I admire your restraint in not sending a sarcastic reply back! Silly woman.

[thepurplehen]

No, I haven't replied to the questions.

[thepurplehen]

No, I haven't replied to the questions.

[pictish]

Good. She'll know she has pissed you off.

What is she likely to do now? Damage limiting suck up bollocks, or act like it's you with the problem for not being cool?

You don't have to accept a role as someone that will do when there's nothing better on offer.

Let her make the effort now and come to you. Don't arrange to meet her anywhere other than your own house when you were going to be pottering around there anyway. This takes away the power she has to pick you up and drop you when she sees fit without pointedly withdrawing from the friendship.
You know how she plays it so put the ball in her court.

[PovertyPain]

I'd text her back, "I don't want to keep you back, we can talk next time we meet up". She'll be wondering if there's something going on and be kicking herself for missing out.

[ShipwreckedAndComatose]

Pictish is right.

[Trinpy]

I have (had?) a friend like this. She used to be my best friend but it got to the point where she was cancelling more meet ups than turning up to them. The last straw was when I'd invited her to drop in for a quick cup of tea and a catch up on her way home from work and she texted at the last minute saying she was too tired. Too tired to sit on a sofa and drink a cup of tea with an old friend. After a day in her 9-4 office job . I texted back 'OK then' and we haven't spoken in 2 years. Last week I arranged to meet up with a mutual friend of ours who then told me flaky friend 'really wants to come too'. Guess who ended up cancelling at the last minute again?

If she's really a very good friend and you don't want to lose her then I would have it out with her. She needs to know it's not OK to cancel on friends like this. Personally I cba with this shit anymore so I just cut contact with anyone who's unreliable.

[thepurplehen]

She doesn't drive and I live a mile away down an unlit, no pavement, country road. If I invite her to mine for the evening, I, or my ds or my dp end up driving her and not drinking.

Heaven forbid she ask her daughter to give her a lift!

My son was going to give me a lift last night from hers, so it changed his evening too.

I suspect she will try and message me tonight / later in the week.

When we arranged the evening together in the week, she sent me the little emoticons about "good friends" or something in the message. Hmmm.

[Wdigin2this]

It is rude, it's as if you were just a fall back if nothing better turned up! I'd be very wary of making future arrangements with her!

[pictish]

Two sayings I like.

"Never make someone a priority if they'll only ever make you an option."
Someone said that to me some years ago and it really stuck. I like my friendships to balance out.

"Never judge someone by what they say but by what they do."
In other words, actions speak louder than words. Anyone can text an emoticon. Following it up in practice is what makes it worth sending.

[Walkacrossthesand]

jocktamson's - when you're in your jammies and you get the cancellation text, do you text back 'that's ok, I knew you'd cancel so I've had a long bath and I'm in my jammies?' I wonder what's in the mind of these late cancellers - do they get a kick out of thinking they've inconvenienced people?

[youarenotkiddingme]

My best friend is like this.

Use to let it happen in early stages of friendship, then began to stop rearranging my life to fit gets gradually then started to stop being the one to arrange everything.

As our friendship developed I realised it came from her lack of self confidence. She'd be torn between keeping me happy and her DDs. I liked her as a person and her company so decided it was best to let the friendship be one that didn't put pressure on her iyswim?

Now I don't arrange stuff. I've also stopped offering to do stuff when she hints and wait for her to actively ask. I believe it's done her confidence good and it's saved our friendship as she genuinely is a lovely person who I get on brilliantly with.

When my friend use to text to say she's cancelled I wouldn't reply. I felt there was no reply as she hasn't asked a question. She knew I was annoyed though and would send texts after about how was my day - did I do anything in evening etc. I'd just answer honestly. Eg. Yes had a lovely long bath and watched film/read book I've been wanting to see/read for ages.

[thepurplehen]

To be honest, I think she is terrified of losing her daughter.

She's a single mum who doesn't want her daughter to leave home or have a life without her.

I think turning her daughter down last night was going to be too difficult for her. But ultimately it's not doing anyone any favours.