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AIBU?

Bailing out feckless relative - would this work?

55 replies

sparechange · 05/08/2016 17:42

I have a relative who lives a long way away from me, and is completely feckless. Previous addiction issues, a catalogue of unsuitable (verging on inappropriate) relationships. No job for years, mostly using her DCs are a cover story for not wanting to work, while being a totally useless mother. The house is always a tip, DCs in dirty clothes with a mountain of laundry, cupboards are empty, but her hair and nails are always done. I'm not being judgy (well I am) but trying to paint a picture that she firmly puts herself first. Her parents have tried so, so many times to help and it never helps. After her last spell of drug use, they withdrew help as far as I'm aware (I'm not close to them).

Her immediate family have all but washed their hands of her, but stay in lose touch with her, and pop in when I'm in the area. I usually take them all out for a pub lunch, and will be asked for money for 'urgent bills'. I've given her small amounts most times, but have no doubt it gets spent on everything but bills.

Anyway, I've just had a call from her in a panic. Muddled story, but she has no money and no food, and the kids (6,9,12) will have nothing to eat all weekend. Please can I send her some money, she will pay me back.
I suspect that to call me, she has already called her immediate family and been told no.

I'm not giving her money. I just know it will get spent on booze or worse. Even if at this point in time, she intends to spend it on food, the temptation will be too much when the money drops into her account.

So my thought was to set up an account for a supermarket delivery service, but not include the payment details. Give her the log in and ask her to do an order. When she is finished, I log back in, change the password and then add the card details and pay. If she really has nothing for tonight, I can order them a takeaway.

Will this work? The cruel part of me thinks she will never truly get help until she hits rock bottom, but the thought of those kids being hungry all weekend is just something I can't ignore. Worst case, she is just after money but will end up with some food which will keep until the next time she runs out of cash.

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Smurfnoff · 05/08/2016 21:16

If she genuinely needed food for her kids she wouldn't give a shiny shite that she wasn't supporting the local shops.

If you're still worried about the kids, do the online shop anyway and send a load of basics so they have something to eat. Under no circumstances let her shop herself. You'll have an empty bank account and Sainsbury's will have an empty wine cellar.

Weedles · 05/08/2016 20:18

Spare.
I know it's terrible sad but sometimes you have to resign yourself to the fact you can't help everyone especially those people who want help themselves.
Sometimes if I find myself in your position I assuage my guilt by making a donation to a relevant charity. For example if I feel guilty for not wanting to help a beggar I'll donate some money to a homeless shelter.
Sounds a bit lame when I write it down but hopefully you see what I mean.

ginnybag · 05/08/2016 20:17

I had a 'friend' like this for a couple of years. Eventually, every conversation we had ended with her asking for money.

I backed right off as soon as she told me she was pregnant because I knew that, although I could say no to her, I wasn't going to be able to stand firm if I knew the child and there was a risk they'd suffer for my refusal.

It's hard, and your offer was very kind. It's a shame she was trying it on but you know now.

sparechange · 05/08/2016 19:40

Judy
I am not really in a position to speak to her family, for complicated and boring reasons.

I don't know the names of her kids school, or even her exact address. I could find her house driving there, but will have to work out her road name and house number from google maps if I am going to report her to SS

OP posts:

DinosaursRoar · 05/08/2016 19:35

You did the right thing. Hope you can get hold of closer family to explain what happened tonight.

JinRamen · 05/08/2016 19:27

Those poor children. :(

RandomMess · 05/08/2016 19:08

Very sad isn't it, all you can do is report again and speak to her family and ask after the DC welfare.

RaeSkywalker · 05/08/2016 19:05

You did the right thing spare. I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 05/08/2016 19:04

My brother and his ex are the masters at this type of behaviour, if it was just them people wouldn't have put up with it for as long as they did but because they had the kids they knew people would go out of their way to help.

YumYumThePig · 05/08/2016 18:57

Well it's not for food then!

Horrible situation for you to be in.

Definitely don't give her any money. Maybe do a little online shop for her anyway just so you know the DC have food in.

JudyCoolibar · 05/08/2016 18:57

Don't text her family, talk to them and find out what is going on. They will have a much better idea of what is happening, and it would be much better to work with them rather than try to sort anything out long distance. You need to sort out some sort of plan for the children together.

Twig45 · 05/08/2016 18:54

Agree with vim definatly a call (anonymous if you want ) to nspcc and or ss you don't know what else might be going on for those kids during school hols

CoolCarrie · 05/08/2016 18:54

You are very kind to want to help her out, and I am sorry it has turning out that she is a total selfish user. As others have suggested get in touch with ss ( they wont let her know who it was) and same with the school. Please dont beat yourself up about it, you tried to help, she is a bitch!

Cagliostro · 05/08/2016 18:49

Oh Spare :( don't be mad at yourself, you are clearly a lovely caring person

RainyDayBear · 05/08/2016 18:46

She sounds like a piece of work. You sound lovely for being prepared to help!

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 05/08/2016 18:42

Yep screw that. If she were genuinely worried that her kids were going hungry she would be thankful for your offer.

Inertia · 05/08/2016 18:41

I'd make the report to social services- as you say, it's very unlikely that anyone will act instantly if the children are not in immediate danger, but if the relevant agencies have a more detailed picture they can support the family.

VimFuego101 · 05/08/2016 18:37

^She just kept talking over me and saying it would be so much easier to give her the money, and then that it would be cheaper for her to buy things locally and she prefers to know where things come from.
I said that things would be coming from the local Sainsburys, and that's probably cheaper than a corner shop. She said that she knows people and they'll do a deal for her, and she likes to support them, so prefers to shop there.^

What a load of old bollocks. At least you figured out what she was up to before paying for the online shop. I second the advice to call SS or the kids school - ask to speak to the safeguarding officer there. Or you could call NSPCC and see if they can suggest anything.

Janey50 · 05/08/2016 18:37

As long as you are happy to do this for her again. And again. It certainly won't be a one-off.

rollonthesummer · 05/08/2016 18:35

Well done--just seen your update.

Must be very hard to say no, but I think it's far better for her in the long run.

rollonthesummer · 05/08/2016 18:34

If you buy her food/give her money-this will only continue. I bet if you spoke to her immediate family, they have stopped giving her money and help for a reason-I doubt they'll be best pleased that you're now enabling her lifestyle.

Sometimes things need to reach rock bottom before they can be fixed. Why would she sort herself out if you'll just bail her out every time?

sparechange · 05/08/2016 18:34

Roll
She just kept talking over me and saying it would be so much easier to give her the money, and then that it would be cheaper for her to buy things locally and she prefers to know where things come from.
I said that things would be coming from the local Sainsburys, and that's probably cheaper than a corner shop. She said that she knows people and they'll do a deal for her, and she likes to support them, so prefers to shop there.

I ended up saying I've got no way of getting into my online banking to send her money, and if she was as desperate for food as she said, she would accept the offer, but I don't think things are as they seem (or something like that), so let's leave it here, and hung up. I'm still so angry!

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chickenowner · 05/08/2016 18:33

I think you've been fair and have done well to discover the truth! If she and her children were really going without food she would have jumped at the offer of a supermarket delivery.

Don't beat yourself up

OreosAreTasty · 05/08/2016 18:33

I'm sorry op. I'm going through a tough time right now, no kids involved though. I needed help. I asked for it. Mum sent an asda delivery to my house. I am 110
Percent grateful and will pay her back (if she lets me) when I'm no longer off sick from work.
I'm very sorry that your cousin is a user.
I'd far rather shop at Aldi with £50 than asda, but in that situation you take what's convenient to the person offering it.

Buggers · 05/08/2016 18:32

Sorry to hear latest update. Is she an alcoholic and addict? I had(now NC) an alcoholic in the family so I know how frustrating it is.

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