AIBU so hurt by SILs behaviour

[Sofedup1244]

I've NC as I'm just getting so torn over this I feel one day I'll burst and say something but I would feel so bad to say anything.

By background my SIL lives nearby she has a chronic life limiting illness. Day to day to the outside world you would not physically see it. She has two children and a husband who works. Behind the scenes so to speak she has a lot of drugs and treatments during the day.

I belive because of this life limiting illness her parents and family generally not live in fear but are very very cautious of anything that will cause her health problems or exacerbate her illness. This makes sense.

I live nearby with two small children and I have no family nearby and DH works long hours. I'm often alone. We have kids a similar age and well I would love to do more togther.

MiL and SIL spend pretty much every day together. SiL's kids stay at their grandparents a lot 3-4 times a week so mIL can help SIL stay healthy and strong. MIL does a lot of their cooking and cleaning. (I don't want any of this by the way). All I want is for once for my MiL and FIL to see my kids weeks can pass by and we live even closer than SIL. Mil will sometimes invite us round but SIL is always there. Often not an issue by my kids never get time with their grandparents. ILaws take SIL and her kids on holiday. Often subbing them quite significantly this I'm not bothered about either. Sometimes we are invited but locations are expensive even if we were helped we still couldn't afford it. My kids miss out.

I try hard with my SIL but I think for various reasons she's hard to get close to. Organises things with her own friends and well I feel lonely. I have my friends but I grew up very close to my GParents I always wanted that for my kids. My father passed away my mother lives far away

SIL is always abrupt with me and uses me when she has no one else around. MIL is a great person but she doesn't have time for us beacaue of her daughters health issues. I just feel sad. And I feel iABU because I don't have a life shortening disease I should just get on. My eldest child is more aware now and sees the treatment the other GCs get and it confuses them.

AIBU right? I should just get on with it. SIL is known to be a selfish person my DH has said she's always been like that and because of her illness incredibly spoilt. I just needed to rant really. I feel bad for not just getting on

[tofutti]

Some very harsh responses here.

You can't help the way you feel, no one can.

You sound quite conflicted, OP. On the one hand, you know your SIL is not friendly towards you (whatever the reason is) but you still want to be friends with her because she and your ILs are the closest thing you have to family nearby. I think you need to accept that this relationship won't change. It's better to continue to remain civil and supportive, but that doesn't mean she has the right to be rude or nasty to you, whether your kids are there or not. I think I would leave the room if she does that again. Once you realise there's no need to get approval or for her to like you, you may feel better.

I think it's probably better not to put any pressure on MIL at this time.

[wheresthel1ght]

Wow the Mumsnet bitches are out in force today!

Op - from reading your post you are envious of the close relationship your MIL has with her other GCs and are feeling like your kids are losing be out. That is a perfectly reasonable feeling. I feel exactly the same way about how my own mother treats my dd v how she treats my sisters kids. She massively favours them and showers money/treats/gifts on them where I can not even get her to go to the local park with my dd.

I agree with the bit in the post that says if your eldest is noticing then it is time to explain that Aunty X is very poorly and Grandma needs to help her a lot. That doesn't mean she loves you less a etc etc

But for what it is worth I also think you should have a gentle chat with your MIL about it all in a "I know X is ill and you want to help but my kids miss you. I was wondering if I could cover your day with X on Saturday and that way you could have a bit of a rest and maybe spend some time with my kids at the park as they would love to see you" kind of way.

As for fostering a friendship with your SIL - she quite probably feels embarrassed and maybe she is jealous of you because you are going to see your kids grow up/go to uni/get married/have kids and she is snapping because she is hurting. I would maybe try bit more lenient of her behaviour and you might find that it eases when she isn't feeling judged/felt sorry for.

[Weedles]

Yabu and particularly unreasonable to direct your anger at your SIL

What does your DH think? It's his Mum and sister after all.

Id try inviting your MIL over to your house for a meal. That might work.

I also think that there is no reason for your DC to feel 'hurt'.

[wheresthel1ght]

Weedles why is there no reason for her kids to feel hurt? They are noticing that their cousins are getting lavished with attention and treats from their grandma while they are not. That would hurt anyone regardless of how old they are. What an utterly ridiculous comment to make

[microferret]

Why are some people being so rude? The OP is lonely, isolated and feels used. It is hard to be placed firmly on the outside of things, whatever the reason. And lots of people have life-limiting illnesses and don't use it as an excuse to be rude and dismissive to family members. My mum, for example.

OP, I don't think you are necessarily being unreasonable, but I think the first poster articulated really well what the situation may be from other parties' points of view, especially your MIL. I think though, that you do need to talk to her and see if you can arrange more meet-ups with the grandparents for the sake of your DC, as it speaks volumes that they are starting to notice.

Please ignore the unnecessarily rude posters on here. I hope you can resolve things with your family.

[Roussette]

I also think that there is no reason for your DC to feel 'hurt'

I think there's every reason if they don't get to see their GM. Yes, it needs to be explained to them. But MIL and SIL spend every day together and MIL has the kids to stay 4 times a week so it seems to be no contact to speak of and the OP has said her DH works away and she is on her own with no family close. I do think MIL should make a small effort even if it was just once a month.

Maybe it touches a nerve with me but when my DB got divorced my DM never saw my kids despite me trying because she was "too busy" looking after her other GC. It did hurt at the time. Fast forward and my DC and their GM never really had a close relationship. I know I know it is totally different circs.

As far as the OP, a few hours MIL seeing her other GC should really happen. I don't think there is anything wrong with the OP wanting even a very small and infrequent relationship between her DCs and their GM.

[Sofedup1244]

It's a sad existence for everyone in a lot of ways. Shame on people who think that I'm jealous of my SIL. I'm not I go to a lot of effort to help out when I can I always put myself out for others. My MiL is amazing person and I know exactly why she has those relating ships with her daughters kids. It's my kids that miss out on seeing their grandparents that bothers me.

[Sofedup1244]

And I am there at the drop of a hat for my SIL what ever she asks of me no matter how badly she treats me because I know she won't be here forever

[PinkissimoAndPearls]

But don't you see that you're so much luckier than your SIL in much more important ways? There is nothing more important (in my mind) for me as a parent than being there for your DCs' childhoods and helping them grow up. It's sad that you begrudge someone in that situation (which you are doing) when you yourself are going to be able to do that and she has to make the very most of what she can now? And needs help to do so?

For people saying posts like mine are harsh, or hurtful (or I'm a bitch ) - well, we find posts like OP's hurtful. It hurts that people so much luckier than us begrudge any help we get and resent us and think we are so lucky.

"Ooh you're so lucky you can park where you like"
"Oh you're so lucky to have a free car"
"Oh you're so lucky your DH can give up work and look after you"
"Oh you're lucky the council put up a grab rail for you"
"Oh you're so lucky your mum does so much for you"

I'm not fucking lucky! I would rather be helping my mum than her helping me, believe me. (And by the way the car isn't free and carers allowance of £62 a week doesn't replace DH's wage let alone my wage).

Yes I recognise I am fortunate in some ways to live in a society that does help me more than some would, but don't people realise I would much much rather have everything I have lost (my independence, my career, lots of my DCs' childhoods). I know full well if/when my life insurance pays out people will think DH is lucky

Anyone who envies what I have or begrudges any help I have, is welcome to swap with me, honestly. When you know your life is going to be shorter than it should be, and you rely on others for everything and you're in constant pain and always thinking of your next hospital appointment it's hard. And people who make this situation all about them and how hard done by they are by it, can, quite frankly, get out of my life.

But anyway yes I'm probably projecting and people will think I'm harsh but really, they need to think and be grateful that they are in such a more fortunate position.

I'm going to hide this thread now as it's upsetting me more than I need, I don't feel up to being called a bitch or harsh or being told my feelings are hurtful to OP. I'm going to find a thread about kittens or babies.

Please Op just try and put yourself in your SIL's shoes and realise how much more fortunate you are. It's not pleasant to need so much help just to live a halfway normal life while you still can. I'm sure she wishes it was different too.

[tofutti]

Pink sorry to hear of your suffering but in this case you are projecting. OP has not said her SIL is lucky and she hasn't said that to her SIL. SIL is going through something unimaginable to most people, but OP is human too.

I also think it's unfair that you can call the OP a 'selfish, thoughtless and stupid person' but object when you are called 'harsh' in response.

[Roussette]

Of course the OP is grateful she isn't in this awful position. However, she can also want some sort of relationship between her DC and their GM, albeit on a very rare occasion - I don't think that's a lot to ask TBH.

[Sofedup1244]

Thanks for the support. I was starting to feel inhuman. And unfeeling, I feel hurt that people would think I'm harsh. My DH is a loving man and adores his mother and loves his sister. Of course he knows his sister well. He sees what happens but I think all their lives as children they healthy ones so to speak have taken a back seat so he says little. When we do see in-laws he's happy and I know he misses them. But it's something he's got used to and he's not at home with the kids all day. I have friends generally keep myself busy I don't rely on anyone to keep me going. I miss my family and I miss the relationship my children don't have with their GPS when I see what the other children have. It's also the contribution emotionally and love I miss for my children. Sorry if that IABU. It's how I feel. I of course feel incredibly sad for everyone in the family for the whole family

[davos]

Well I am not projecting. I am in the OPs position. A sil that clearly doesn't like me, but who needs lots of help. Except it's my mum doing it. Not her own mum. Her mum doesn't help at all.

And I still think the op is unreasonable. They are invited on things, they do see the in laws. But a lot of what the in laws do in love sil or her kids. For a very good reason.

[myownprivateidaho]

You're clearly not unfeeling op, please don't listen to anyone that says otherwise. You're in a tough situation (and the fact that your sil has it worse doesn't change that). It must be particularly difficult processing feelings of sadness for an ill person when that person is mean to you and pushes you away. However, I'd try to think on sil kindly if at all possible-- perhaps she is jealous of you as a mother who will see her kids grow up or is somply struggling to deal with her emotions.

I think the suggestion of offering support to mil is a great idea -- she would appreciate that someone is thinking of her and it would be a good way to talk about how much you value her bond with your dc. Also, could you have the cousins over with or without sil/mil? Encouraging that relationship might help in bringing you all together.

[Sofedup1244]

Yes I've said to DH will do a meal for inlaws and I hope to organise something for kids to do with their cousins over the summer hols! That we can afford too! They are wealthy people my SIL's husband is well off and they do lot of extravagant trips we can't afford but we'll do park and picnic etc also I know SIL is maximising her time with kids so she's keen to do more of this more expensive trips (once again I AM NOT jealous) because I know one day I'll do these things too! It's just I can't afford it at the moment. But yes I'll get the cousins round for definite

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I do understand you feel upset for your children. I also hear you feel deeply sad for your SIL's children. I don't think you have said anything unreasonable. We cannot choose who our families are and how they interact with us. I very much like some of the more measured responses you have had. Only you know your mil and whether she would be able to hear how you truly feel. Judging by many of the responses on here, perhaps not.

I have several difficult family members, who tend to be unreliable and unreasonable at times. I am unable to discuss their behaviour with them - it was a complete failure when I tried to discuss it with my narcissistic mother. My approach has been to talk to DD and explain that auntie and uncle X act as they choose and we shouldn't necessarily believe everything they say. We also explain that as a family (her, dh and I) are reliable and follow through on commitments wherever possible. We also explain to her that we cannot force others to change their behaviour. I think teaching her to allow other people's differences and choosing not to judge wherever possible has been the most helpful to overcome the upset caused to my DD. I'm also trying to learn these strategies too as these people's behaviour hurts me far more than it does hers these days.

[wheresthel1ght]

Oh the irony pink! So it is ok for you to call the op selfish and thoughtless but when other people point out you are being offensive you flounce. I suggest you look up the meaning of the work hypocrite!

Op - park/picnic sounds fab! And it might be nice for your SIL to do some just "normal" things too. I know my dd and dscs remember far more about the cheap days out riding their bikes or playing in the park than any of the expensive trips we do

I would just keep trying with both your MIL and SIL, there will be a part of it that is them trying to get as much time before the end but some of it is a bad habit too. Good luck!