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AIBU?

to feel annoyed with 14yo DD- I feel like a I'm running a B&B/ cashpoint

46 replies

NoonarAgain · 05/08/2016 13:29

DD is 14 and moving schools, as a result I realise that she is going over board to cement friendships with local people she knows at both her old and new schools. I totally get that she doesn't want to do loads of family stuff, but this week, i have been in the same room as her for about half an hour a day, tops. She has been out with friends and at sleepovers (2) since Sunday.

I have eaten a meal with her once and cooked for her friends twice. The last 48 hours i haven't seen her at all without a friend being present, beyond 15 minutes over breakfast as she is arranging early starts with her friends.

I have given her £40 in lunch money and fares and provided food for her friends.

then yesterday i i told her about a meal i had planned and asked her friend if it was something that she would eat. I suggested that i then drive them (20 mins each way) to the friend's house where dd was sleeping over. dd just glanced up from her phone and said "fine" then returned to her texting! i just saw a red mist and apologised to the friend but said to dd " i'm sorry dd, but I'm going to have to pull you up on your manners, you need to say thank you and make eye contact when i'm talking to you". dd was obv cross and it was awkward in from of friend, but i cannot bear rudeness just because a friend is present!

then as they were leaving the house, dd said that she planned to go to the beach the next day with the friend. i said that if she was doing that then she needed to take some of her savings to fund any expenses e.g. lunch out as i had given her enough already. she was annoyed about this.

she also was annoyed that i said she would need to take her key as potentially she might have to get a bus back. now, we do have shocking public transport where we are and i would happily pre arrange a pick up but didn't want to be relied upon for a lift at any time of day, without a prior arrangement.

I just feel like dd's attitude has tipped into the taking us for granted/ slightly entitled /presumptious. this is unlike her but she has just totally tuned out of family life this week.

AIBU to have reacted as i did/ feel as i do? i honestly don't mind her being so busy, but she needs to engage with us politely and properly when she is around, not just grunt at us as she is so exhausted from her social life!

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ChipsandGuac · 05/08/2016 14:32

I also make mine earn any extra money they want. So DS is currently cutting the grass so he can afford to go watch Suicide Squad tonight. It's a win win!

NoonarAgain · 05/08/2016 14:33

funnily enough, the chore thing worked really well over the last two summers as both dds came out with me most days. we used to clean then kitchen, hang out washing etc and then when it was done, we all went out for the day.

I need a new formula, based on the fact that dd1 is no longer here much! any thoughts?

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theredjellybean · 05/08/2016 14:36

sounds absolutely normal to me...when my dd1 was that age we basically had house full of teenage girls pretty much all summer, comings and goings aplenty , or my dd1 was off at their houses. I loved it though, as loved all her friends, love having noisy busy house and didnt really go in for 'family time' anyway. I saw all her friends as just part of the family....
I do remember a bit of stress over arrangements, and having to occasionally have a chat about the fact i work 6 days a week and she needs to get organised more than one day ahead with lifts/transport etc, mainly because i wanted to know. We instigated a 'sit down on saturday morning half hour.'..when we went through her plans for next 2 weeks and made sure all logistics were in place and agreed , not just vague 'oh i think granny is picking me up'. this made me happy that she wasn't stranded any where, and also it made her responsible.

NoonarAgain · 05/08/2016 14:39

happy, that is so interesting and genuinely valuable to hear as I have started to make comparisons just in the last couple of months. ive also caught myself slipping up slightly, saying things that reveal my attitude eg saying " we need second reception room at the new house so when dd1 has her friends round..." (and not say dd2).
Weirdly, dd2 is the most happy in the moment, happy in her own skin, not following the crowd, kind, thoughtful, kooky person you could imagine. she will be a fine and happy adult, but has just started to feel a bit out of it with female friendship groups, having played mostly with boys at primary school (she's feminine but with some quite male characteristics/ tastes).

you are so right when you say that the adult can be making the issue where there is none. I need to nip that in the bud! did your dc compare themselves, though?

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Liiinoo · 05/08/2016 14:40

Teenagers can be incredibly self centred and rude and it can be tempting to let things go for a quiet life. You were firm but polite setting out your expectations clearly. Perhaps in a perfect world some people would have taken her to another room to tell her, rather than doing it in front of her friend, but really if she was rude to you in front of her mate she bought it on herself.

I agree with the PPs who,have said have a calm chat with her about budgets, lifts and family time. Emphasise you want her to help her have good times with her friends (and I think her age is the golden age for teenagers and friendships ) but let her know your time and money are not limitless.

You sound like a very good mum and I am sure once she grows up a bit she will be a credit to you.

gamerchick · 05/08/2016 14:41

40 quid for 5 days lunches and travel? I, a grown arse adult don't even need that never mind a 14 yr old!

Seriously no good comes of them having so much money freely given but it's your choice.

My 16 yr old gets his child benefit and any extra he has to earn. He still has chores but will actively ask now for extra jobs. If I'd just given him cash freely he would be royally taking the piss by now, I've seen the results of that on more than one occasion.

40 quid a week just for yourself, that would be bliss for a lot of people

NoonarAgain · 05/08/2016 14:44

thanks jelly, I wish I could be as laid back as you sound!

dd1's plans are always last minute (thanks snapchat!) and I do find that stressful at times.

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happypoobum · 05/08/2016 14:47

My two are such different characters, I don't think they do compare, no. It might help that outgoing sibling is the youngest in my case?

If DD2 does say she wishes she had more friends or feels lonely then that's another matter entirely, but I used to badger DD, coming up with lists of names of children she could/should invite round. She just wasn't bothered.

Also, that last year of female friendship groups in primary can be vicious in my experience. Your DD has probably done well to avoid it. She will hopefully meet other kids she can develop a rapport with at her new school, but I try to remind myself that a mum is only ever as happy as their unhappiest child, and I don't stick my nose in as much now when all seems well!

Good luck. The teen years with girls are a bloody minefield.

NoonarAgain · 05/08/2016 14:50

thanks liino, that's so sweet of you :)

gamer, it is a lot, I can see that, but its not every week. I anticipate that there will only be 10 days more of the holidays where she is free to see friends as we are away on holiday. I do need to have a rethink though, that's for sure!

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NoonarAgain · 05/08/2016 14:55

happy, thanks so much for your wise words. she has said that she feels a bit 'between groups' friendship wise, but its more a question of not having a go-to group, rather than a shortage of friends. this is only something that has come up during her first year of secondary but she is moving someone much smaller that I hope will suit her better.

I have started to pester dd2 about meeting up with friends but will knock that right on the head!

In a way, having the younger dd like this is easier, as she is young enough to tag along with mum still without it seeming an issue. but then she may see her sister and in time begin to compare...swings and roundabouts I guess.

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gamerchick · 05/08/2016 14:57

Does she know that though? As long as she knows not to get used to that much cash from now on its probably alright. It's such an easy habit to get into which bites you later on.

i agree you sound like a good mum, hope you have a lovely holiday.

GrumpyOldBag · 05/08/2016 14:57

My 14 yo DS is like this too.

He just can't see how rude he is being sometimes!

I hate the grunting ...

FlyingElbows · 05/08/2016 14:59

Don't apologise to your child for expecting them to behave! The second you preface a chastisement with "I'm sorry..." you render it useless. Say it and mean it. I have no problem at all pulling my kids up infront of their friends. I have an absolute zero tolerance policy on bad manners and rudeness and in my house that extends to friends too. If you flit around her apologising and showering her with cash as she wants it you're in for much bigger trouble in a few years. She's spreading her wings but this is when she needs you to be in charge the most. Be strong, you can do it!

NoonarAgain · 05/08/2016 15:00

gee thanks, gamer :)

Grumpy, welcome to the club!

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specialsubject · 05/08/2016 15:03

the lesson that money does not grow on trees cannot come soon enough. Time to set a budget - she can control how she spends it and when it is gone, it is gone.

brattishness is not excused by age, hormones or the ownership of a phone.

and time for a little weight-pulling round the house, too. She's not that busy.

scampimom · 05/08/2016 15:10

Of course, you are now the WORST PARENT IN THE WORLD and EVERYONE ELSE is being ferried about/given pots of cash/waited on hand and foot.

But the lesson she's learned is that you won't be a doormat - you're setting an excellent example for when she has kids of her own.

gillybeanz · 05/08/2016 15:19

I ask for dates and times at the beginning of the holidays.
Then they hang out with friends for so many days, home for others, family days out etc.
After the free time you give them with friends they should be happy to be family members and join in whatever is happening.
Mine has a 10 week holiday and only one or two sleepovers and days out with friends. She has a friend staying for the weekend but they are working hard during this time. Then spending time on their own early evening.

LongGrass · 05/08/2016 15:22

I think its nice your DD is so independent. Its probably also a "freedom phase" in the Summer holidays! lucky you time for and !

frenchfancy · 05/08/2016 15:37

YANBU. No apology is needed. If someone is rude to me I will tell them no matter who else is in the room. She is the one that should be embarrassed. I know you want her to have friends but I don't think handing out money and driving her wherever/whenever she wants is the way to do that. Especially if she is rude to you.

A set budget, with chores to go with it. I give lifts whenever possible, but they need to be appreciated and they need to fit in with my work/life too.

BalloonSlayer · 05/08/2016 16:28

I was out hunting for Pokemon today with DS2 when my phone rang. It was DD, returned from her trip out with a friend.

DD: Are you in the house or not?
Me: No I'm out in the village with DS2
DD: Crossly Because like I've rung the doorbell like about eight times [DS1 at home but obviously couldn't hear it]
Me: Where's your key?
DD: It's in my school bag
Me: Well why didn't you take it? I'm out and I've Got My Key. So as I can get back in again.
DD:
Me: Phone DS1. He should hear his phone. Otherwise you'll just have to sit on the step till we get back.
DD: Harrumph
Me: Well you should have taken your key!
DD: IT'S IN MY SCHOOL BAG!
Me: How is that my fault?
DD: < Disconnects call>

(BTW the back door was open and we have easy rear access plus a neighbour has a key)

theredjellybean · 07/08/2016 19:16

ballon slayer...thats so funny !
OP - i agree last minute arangements via snapchat usually was the only thing that caused rows...after a few DD1 got the message which was:

' yes mumybean is very laidback....yes she doesn't mind how many friends are here, or you going there but if the logisitics are not set in stone including what train you are on at what time and you can not confirm you have actually asked daddy/grandma to pick you up then it doesnt happen ...becuase I AM AT WORK '

i am not so saintly as maybe i sounded.

you sound fine and dd1 very normal. its a phase, eventually they turn into lovely young people who want to spend time with you

in fact i would quite like dd1 and dsd1 to not come home to me and dp every weekend :)

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