About nieces inappropriate profile pictures?

[NoCapes]

DNiece is just turned 13, she's just recently in the last couple of months got into make-up, started wearing cropped tops, padded bras and padded knickers
I think the way she dresses is inappropriate and a bit weird but there you go

Recently though her profile pictures on whatsapp have been rather ... Suggestive?
Things like her leaning forward in a mirror and squeezing her 'boobs' together and pouting etc

Her current picture is of her in a bikini stood sideways sticking both her boobs and her bum out with her hand in the arch of her back and pouting

It really is too much

I don't think her mum has whatsapp so I've just sent her a message saying, "don't know if you've seen it but I don't think you'd be very happy with DN's whatsapp picture, you might want to ask her to change it"
She didn't reply to me but sent a message to my Mum basically saying "tell Capes to mind her own business, I can parent my own daughter thankyou very much!"

WIBU?

[kali110]

Heidibb agree with you! I have always worn padded bras, but not to make my boobs look bigger!
More comfortable and no chance of seeing a nipple!

[Raeanne]

Thanks to those who sent messages of support.

Lovely OP - NEVER apologise for having your families' interest at heart. You did NOTHING wrong. X

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Of course it's your business. You're her auntie. The next best thing to another mother. Put it this way heaven forbid some dirty pervert befriended her and something unspeakable was to happen
You'd be every bit as sickened and devastated as her mother.
i question whether you dsis is right on the head to be perfectly honest

[Lilmisskittykat]

I don't think you were being unreasonable to be concerned about your niece. There is no harm in trying to safeguard children not completely aware of the dark corners of the Internet.

I'm sorry you got the reaction that you did but at least you did the right thing (in my opinion at least)

[Fairenuff]

Teenagers used to be different and individual. Now so many of them aspire to be the same. I think it's a shame.

I'm sure these children have talents and creativity somewhere. It would be better if their photographs reflected that.

[SuburbanRhonda]

I didn't say the parent knows best.

I said it was none of the OP's business and your comment was pointless because examples only work if they are relevant to the situation, which yours wasn't.

Maybe read my post when you've stopped frothing.

[HerOtherHalf]

They weren't explicit so your comment is pointless.

Read my post again. I was using that as an example of why we can't just roll out the parent knows best line as an absolute.

I really don't see what was so hard for you to understand.

"Pointless"? Exactly what value did you add but jumping on my post? The square root of fvck all, that's what. You'd be better off spending your time improving your comprehension and reasoning skills.

[Saracen]

You were right to let your niece's mum know, but I agree with others that choosing the right wording is essential and you didn't quite manage that.

If you want to remain a part of their lives, a really good apology is in order. Would you be able to choke it out any more easily if you say sorry-sounding words without literally apologising for having alerted her to the photo (because you aren't actually sorry about that, nor should you be)?

Sweep the actual issue under the carpet, because you won't win and will only prod the hornet's nest. If she cannot see that there's a problem with her daughter's behaviour - maybe she does see it and is taking action behind the scenes - then nothing you can say will change her mind. You'll only drive her away. You've managed to stay on good terms with her for ten years. That's worth a lot to your niece. Don't throw it away.

Something like, "I am really sorry I sent a message which upset you. I didn't intend to criticise your parenting. Your daughter is a fantastic young woman who is a credit to you. I'm very fond of both of you. I see how hurtful my message must have been to you, and I feel awful about it. Please forgive me."

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

First off, I'm shocked that such things as padded knickers even exist! Can't imagine what has set that trend off, how odd!

Second - YWNBU at all to alert your DN's mother, but I can see why she's reacted defensively. She should, of course, have contacted you directly but I guess she was hoping that your mum would tell you to back the fuck off rather than her having to do it herself. Hopefully, if your mum has seen the pics, she defended your interference to your DN's mum!

I'm sure that children these days all have internet safety talks at school, don't they? I know that young teens think they're invincible and "it'll never happen to them" re drinking, smoking, cancer etc., but this is just basic common sense - unless they're so dead to anjy sense of shame that they're quite happy to have their underwear young teen photos being spread around the ether for anyone to see and ogle over.
She needs further education on the subject!

Raeanne - horrified to read your story, can't believe it was swept under the carpet by (presumably) your parents, how awful! :(

[EweAreHere]

I am constantly amazed and appalled at the number of 10, 11, 12 year old girls whose own mothers post pictures of them posing provocatively in tight clothes, full on make up, full on hair, and pouty lips and 'attitude' which makes them look like 17, 18, 19 year olds ... and then watch the 'you must be so proud' 'she's so beautiful' 'stunning' comments. And they send them to primary school like this! Where they complain about the state of their make up, their hair, etc, within minutes of landing in their chairs,. And they are constantly so rude and nasty and condescending to each other and to teachers. But their mothers think they are 'sweet' and 'kind' when they are everything but, and are infuriated if anyone suggests otherwise.

I don't get it. And hell with freeze before my young daughter goes to school or posts online like that.

[Cocochoco]

The majority of dd's 11-year-old friends post pictures like this - and their mums generally don't check what they are posting and don't mind this sort of picture anyway. One told me a relative had contacted her about an unsuitable picture and rolled her eyes in a 'what can you do' way. I am one of the few parents I know who monitors their dd's account.

Padded bras are the norm too. I went to buy dd her first bra and they were pretty much all padded. Quite a few were underwired too (even though the fitting lady agreed young girls shouldn't wear them).

Padded knickers is a new one on me, thank god.

[CinderellaFant]

Padded knickers are a thing?? I might get some, they sound quite comfy for sitting down! Like sitting on a cushion!

[Lemonlady22]

my sisters daughter started out doing this, my sister said ' shes okay, shes showing her individuality, theres no harm'.....my sister the earth mother who never used the word NO.....my niece had her first baby at 15, followed by two more ....shes now living in a high rise council flat with no hope of making a better life for herself.....i blame her mother.....she set no boundaries at all for her daughter....which happens a lot nowadays

[sleepwhatsleep]

YANBU.

Maybe she felt embarrassed that you saw it. Could have been an issue the mum was already fighting her daughter about and so shes lashed out. I think you did the right thing by mentioning it though.

[MrsJayy]

Not all p added bras are not to make boobs bigger my dds wore padded t shirt bras as teenagers it wasnt to give cleavage it was for comfort and unpadded bras are see through especially in white school shirts, plunge bras are designed different and are to make boobs bigger and to create cleavage

[Lasagna]

I think the ones with padding on the sides are push up bras,

Yeah that is correct. There are more types of padded bras than tshirt and push up.

[happypoobum]

I think a phone call would have been better received than the text but too late now.

If I had received a text like that from SIL I probably would have been really cross and felt defensive. You will probably find yourself blocked from DN social media now.

I totally agree that photos like this are really inappropriate and I have also met mothers who don't see any issue with sexualising their 12/13 year olds. It's such a bloody shame.

[ChunkyHare]

I thought there was a difference between a t shirt bra, a bra just made of thicker material and a padded bra that has padding at the sides to make your breasts seem bigger? By pushing them together to give you more cleavage?

So I read this as padded bra and padded knickers which I didn't know existed until today.

Sadly, I have seen FB accounts where all the girls tend to be standing in the same pose, sideways on, pouting face. Open accounts with all sorts of people being able to gain access.

YANBU to point out the photos to the parent but it is her choice what she allows her daughter to post.

[ChicagoDoll]

So you could tell she had padded knickers on???

I'm a sp and can't bear my holier than thou sil and bro berating my parenting choices. Or pointing out when I've fucked up. I'd be secretly grateful in this instance obviously but would probably tell you to mind your own business.
Protecting your relationship with dn is paramount now though, so text her an apology quick.
If you piss her off and no longer see her how are you going to influence her with your amazing parenting ways

[IthoughtATMwasacashpoint]

For anyone wondering

[Lasagna]

I don't think people understand the difference between padded and push up bra. Padded is for discretion and comfort, push up bras are for making your boobs look bigger. There is a clear difference when tou actually have them in front of you.

I too have never not wore a padded bra as they are what I find more comfortable. I also know, through doing their washing, my sons girlfriends who are 16 and 19 also only wear padded.

If she is wearing push up bras, although that is her choice, I agree it is slightly objectifying. Padded bras are fine!!

[ProfessorBranestawm]

I thought that about padded bras always being bad but on MN a few years ago I read that actually the teen bras being padded is a good thing as it's more comfortable, makes nipples less visible (if cold etc).

Of course with the added 'padded knickers' this seems less plausible as an explanation in this case...

[Salmotrutta]

I agree with OneFlewOver - can you explain why wearing a padded bra (which is indeed designed to make boobs look bigger) is not part of objectifying women Heidibb?