to be allowed to spend time settling dd into nursery

[TheSkyAtNight]

We've had a paperwork visit, a session where I left her for an hour which went ok and then a disastrous session today where she seems to have cried for 2 hours & wouldn't eat or drink. She spent 90 minutes this afternoon breastfeeding/napping on me, which she hasn't done for weeks - dd is 8 months old.

Nursery say it's 'the best thing' for me to hand her over then leave. Instinct tells me I should put her down, rather than hand her to someone as this makes her cry immediately. I feel I should sit with her for say 10 mins while she plays so she can get some confidence, then say a firm goodbye & leave.

AIBU? It's a great nursery, but my instincts are telling me this isn't the right approach to settling in for dd. I'm not back at work till September & really want to make the transition as gentle as it can be. WHat settling in sessions did you do? How can I make this transition easier for dd?

[MadeForThis]

Hi,
I am going through exactly the same with my DD. Due back in work end oct but wanted her completely settled into nursery before I went back. She is 10 months.

Had 3 one hour sessions last week. I stayed for 15 mins first day then sat outside. She was fine and didn't even notice, day 2 I left straight away and she got unsettled after 45 mins so I came back. Day 3 she was looking around for me as I left and I knew she would cry. They called me back in after 15 mins as they couldn't calm her down at all. She was really sobbing.

I spoke to they nursery manager and said I needed another week to settle her in. Today I stayed with her for the entire hour. I think it's what she needs. She has to know that the environment is safe and that will only happen if I'm there. I plan to do the same for the next 2 sessions this week. If she is seeming settled I might try leaving the room for a bit on the last day.

I would much rather take my time and have her happy and calm than expecting her to be calmed down by strangers if she gets upset. She needs to know and trust them first. Once I'm happy that they can calm her down and settle her then I'll drop and go.

All babies are different but mine needs this softly softly approach. She was very very clingy all weekend after being so upset at nursery on Friday. I actually feel like we took a step backward and pushed too fast.

I know that she'll be happy there and I don't expect her never to cry but I need to be confident that they will be able to distract her and calm her. That won't happen when they and the environment is strange. It might take a while longer but I'm confident that we'll get there.

[LouBlue1507]

Follow your instincts and don't allow yourself to be bullied into doing things the nurseries way OP. It's up to you how to settle her in, not them, they are your employees and you, not they, are the expert on your child. I totally get that it can be inconvenient for nurseries having parents around but that's just part of the job

Sorry but this is WRONG... YOU do not employ staff at a nursery, they don't work for you, the nursery offers a service and you choose to either use that service or not... The nursery does not have to just accept things.. Other way around I'm afraid!

OP.. Sorry you're having such a difficult time settling your LO in nursery! It'll come! It takes time and at 8 months old it's only natural for your child to experience delegation anxiety..

The nursery can't allow parents to hang around for 10 mins each day to settle children as;
A) There are many children in the nursery, imagine if every parent wanted to hang about each morning!
B) It is more unsettling for children to have their parents hang about at drop off.
C) The adults would need to be DBS checked to sit around with the children on a regular basis, not only that but it adds extra work onto staff having to supervise parents as well as children

[TheSkyAtNight]

LouBlue, I raised just these questions this am when I tried to talk to our key worker about what we could do differently. She just said 'it's for the best' to hand straight over but we didn't get any further than that. I'm very sensitive to the needs of the staff & other children & want to work with the nursery. I've said I value their opinion & professionalism. I've just got to balance that with getting things right for dd. This morning wasn't right.

Thanks very much to everyone for sharing your experience. I'm going to ring tomorrow & see what the room leader suggests. I know dd will cry as I leave & when she sees me arrive back but she needs to settle in between. We need to talk about how to make that happen.

[HSMMaCM]

You're going to leave at some point and for most children, the less this is dragged out, the better.

Having parents in a setting can be very unsettling for the other children in attendance.

Having said that, I have made exceptions in extreme cases where the child clearly needed their parent to get them started for the day. This has been rare though.

[XianLiax]

My approach was to have a leaving routine. Nursery ladies looked at me like a loony, but I'd always take 5 minutes to take DD to her favourite toy corner and play a particular game a particular way. She was older at this point - 18months. She did go to another nursery younger, but DH did the drops. IIrc, his schtick was to put her down just before the door, she'd crawl in by herself and he'd wave goodbye as she was dashing away from him. It's also a variant on having a predictable leaving routine without the abrupt drop and run.

[TheSkyAtNight]

HSMMaCM, what happened in the way of settling in sessions? I guess I am struggling to understand how a baby can cope with a new environment & new people without time getting to feel safe first. Really trying to understand so appreciate your posting.

[TheSkyAtNight]

Am trying to work out what is going to be reasonable from nursery's POV & dd's.

[XianLiax]

And of course your don't need a DBS check to say an extended goodbye to your child! What a daft suggestion. You're only talking to your own kid - not in a 1:1 scenario with other kids - or even dealing with them. Mornings are full of comings and goings - and Molly's Mum staying for a few extra minutes won't register with under-1s as any different to Frank's Mum, Fred's Mum and Phoebe's mum coming in in succession.

[JacquettaWoodville]

Is there a staff room or somewhere you could sit for her next session? So you are there if needed but not in the room?

[TheSkyAtNight]

Like the farewell ritual & crawling! Look forward to is getting to that point.

A parent room has been mentioned so I will ask if I can go in it on Wed. I'd just like to have a plan with the staff of what we are going to try differently. There are some great suggestions here & I'm sure they will have some too.

[Shelby2010]

I think it really depends o the child. I did several extended settling in sessions with DD1 (just turned 1yr old) because she wouldn't let any of the staff near her at first. She wasn't a clingy child and had previously been quite happy to be left with aunts, grandparents etc but quite understandably didn't want to be left with strangers in a new environment. Once she got attached to a member of staff (incidentally not her key worker) she was happy to be handed over for a cuddle. When DD2 started, also at 1 yr old, she was a lot more confident because she knew the place from dropping off & picking up DD1. She has to be settled down to breakfast when we arrive (takes 2 mins) because she gets distressed if 'handed over' to someone else.

To get to the point YANBU to want longer settling periods if your DD needs it to feel secure. But when you leave, leave fast, the bit the kids don't like is seeing you walk away. Also be prepared for DD to start crying when you come to collect her - loads of children seem to do this when they are very small. 🙂

[JellyTipisthebest]

I am a childminder and I do what Billyray suggested with younger children. Mum has to get used to leaving as well. Will older children I do what ever mum wants with in reason. I have one that stands at the door pushes little one in and then leaves, difficult to describe what she does but I hate it, I don't know what kind of a night she had what she has been up to nothing. Other parents come in and chat abit we wave goodbye and carry on. We have communication books which also helps with links from home to my house.

[Onynx]

Our settling in sessions were just like Lules. Tbh I would hate to just hand my baby over to what is to them, a complete stranger and just leave. I feel this would make a baby scared of being left any time a new person came into their lives and I would think might break baby's trust in you and make her even more clingy - if that makes sense? You know your own baby, always trust your gut instincts and don't let staff bully you.

[WanderingTrolley1]

The longer you hang around, the harder it'll be when you leave.

[WhatamessIgotinto]

It's up to you how to settle her in, not them, they are your employees. Wow Booing you are so far off the mark here. The nursery policy on settling in is up to the nursery. It may not suit everyone (they are all different) but nurseries cannot just have people wandering around for as long as they feel like it. And if you want an 'employee', then a nanny would be best.

OP, a good nursery should help make the transition an easy one if you explain your concerns to them. It's quite normal for babies to be unsettled initially but I would hesitate about staying too long as that can make it very difficult for babies to then understand when you do leave. It can make it harder and also make the other babies very unsettled too. They also pick up on your (understandable) anxiety which is so hard for both of you. I would stick to the same happy smiley routine each time you leave her and it will get better; she'll start to understand that although you are leaving, you will return. In all my years as a nursery nurse, I can only think of one child when nursery really didn't suit him and his lovely parents decided to take him out but there were additional reasons for that too. Lots of luck.

[caffeine99]

We settled in over a few days. The first day baby (9 months) spent half an hour in the room while I did paperwork.

On day two baby spent 2 hours while I left the building.

Babies usually then do a half day but as things were going well we jumped into a full day of about 6 hours (slightly shorter than the 9 hours she has to do while I work).

This was the second baby I settled in and it definitely went faster this time. I think it helped that baby was used to visiting the building to drop off her big brother while I was off I maternity leave.

We're about 3 months in and I wouldn't ever leave her sitting on the floor - I always hand her over to one of the girls.

I also agree with your nursery and think that staying in the room just prolongs the agony for the baby. I had the baby over, say goodbye and tell her that I will be back for her later.

At the very beginning she might have whimpered (my son used to cry) but the girls would cuddle her and she would've stopped crying within minutes. Had I stayed in the room she would've kept crying for me.

The care workers do this all the time and, in their experience, the babies learn to settle faster and easier when they get into the new routine of being there.

I do remember how hard it is - my son used to cry as soon as we walked towards the building. My son is 2.5 now... When he walks into creche 3 or 4 children run up to him
And give him hugs. It makes my heart swell. So it will get easier. Good luck.

[Lweji]

It sounds to me as if she's going through a separation anxiety phase, and in fact, it might be worth leaving it until September.

I'd try to engage her with someone or something and then leave without her noticing.

[DollyBarton]

Mine always got more upset if I dithered. It's so hard to walk out when they are roaring but if you do, 99% of the time they stop crying shortly after you leave (I used to peek in the window and they often stopped within a minute despite making me think they were going to die if I left) reevaluate their situation and get on with it. The odd child can keep up the hysterical crying longer (like more than 15mins) but I think that is rare. In any case, you need your child to decide to rely on the nursery workers for comfort and help so dragging it out just makes it harder for the nursery and harder on the child, but maybe easier on mum.

It's one of the important life lessons. They are in a safe secure environment so you need to give them a chance to decide themselves to get on with it.

[DollyBarton]

(It is so so hard though!)

[PetyrBaelish]

I have a question for the nursery employees advocating "drop and run" here (sorry for the hijack) - my DS is starting at a 2+ preschool when he turns 2 in September and the staff have also discouraged me from hanging around much at all, but I am not sure about this.

I am fine with leaving quickly even on the second time we go, but on the first day? He won't know where he is or who these people are at all, I feel that it would be unnecessarily alarming for him. Surely there is a middle ground here? Maybe it's true that he would be surprised the next few times, hoping or expecting me to stay, but at least he wouldn't be in a scarey, unfamiliar place. I would be interested to hear of other's experiences/opinions on this.

[HSMMaCM]

I wouldn't expect a child to be dropped and left if they had never been in the building before.

They visit with their parents as part of the interview stage. This is not settling. I make it clear to parents that their child won't settle while they're there, they're simply in a place with their parent. Settling doesn't start until they're alone.

Mine varies depending on the child. Maybe an hour, then 2 hours, then a couple of half days, then start. A child I have starting next month has met the staff and children several times at other venues and happily leaves her mum to come and chat. She is doing one morning, one afternoon then start

[HSMMaCM]

In one emergency case the child simply started. She was fine luckily.

I did emergency foster care before this job though, so I am used to taking on children who have never seen me or my setting before .

[PersianCatLady]

Nursery say it's 'the best thing' for me to hand her over then leave.
They have obviously being doing this a while and seem to know what they are doing.

I remember when I left my son at nursery when he was one and you just left straight away, it was an awful feeling but when I walked outside and looked back through the window he had settled down in 5 minutes.

[TheSkyAtNight]

Spoke with room leader who agreed dd had really struggled yesterday. Reiterates what her key worker said & what I saw for myself seeing dd crying when I picked her up - before she saw me. I know she will cry when she sees me.

We're going to try again & see if tomorrow is better, than reassess. I'll stay on site as suggested.

Thanks for sharing experiences and advice.

[Artistic]

I found that few hours was more difficult than full days. If you leave her for a couple of full days she will struggle but gradually find her comfort zone & settle in. When you do few hours/ half days they just wait to be collected & protest the whole time.

I did 2-4-6-8 hours over 4 days with my childminder & never stepped in at all. Just handed her off and they calmed her down after I left. Whether I am working or not I send her in for 8 hours over 4 days. Any less and she gets unsettled. Doesn't dislike going there but just loves being home.

We were on holiday for a week and now we are back to crying and handoff again!