Having Children

[SquidgyRedBall]

Kind of posting for traffic but also AIBU for waiting to have kids?

Getting married next year, just bought a house which is leaving us with no spare money. Can't remortgage for a few years but when we do (judging by house price rises and online calculators) our mortgage payment will be half of what it is leaving us with an extra £1k a month.

DM expects us to start a family sooner rather than later (after the wedding) and has said that due to my age (33) we need to get cracking. Normally she's totally relaxed about things and has always said to do things in your own time.

Should I wait until 36 to start trying when we are more financially secure or just get on with it? DP and I both really want a family sooner rather than later but also we don't want to be scrimping when we do.

FWIW, I'm not being dictated to by DM but the fact that normally she's so blasé and relaxed about things like this but has said 'you ain't getting any younger' has got me thinking. I've said we would struggle to afford them but she and my DS said that financially it is never the right time. My DP also agrees with me but I would hate to be waiting too long and find out it's too late for us.

[Italiangreyhound]

LucyBabs thanks I was worried I had over stepped the mark.

Really, (sorry, sit on my couch!) I think you are a bit hung up on the fact your mum has said this. I don't think it is normal' to think you regret having kids full stop. It is probably very normal if you child ends up in prison or ends up doing loads of really difficult things to wonder 'where did I go wrong' etc and I also think it is quite normal to have brief moments when you think 'What did I do?!' We adopted a three year old when our dd was nine and she had, of course, been an only child for all those nine years (I hate the term only child but you know what I mean). Anyway, it took her a year to come to terms really with ds.

She is away at camp this weekend.

Me and DS took her to camp in the car. Last night I said to ds 'I love you.' and he said 'And I love my sister!" In those moment I do not at all regret our choice to adopt!!!

[Lunaticfringe12]

Don't put off trying for a family due to money at your age, unless you are in absolute poverty. If you are unfortunate enough to struggle to conceive you will regret waiting especially as fertility treatments are so costly, it could be a false economy to wait. Especially a whole three years.

[MoonriseKingdom]

If having a baby is very important to you I would seriously consider getting on with things. Of course there are plenty of women who conceive easily in their mid to late 30s (I am pregnant with my 2nd and about to be 37) and plenty who have difficulties much younger. However, the difference between discovering a fertility problem age 33 instead of 36/37 is time. In the event of needing IVF it can take several years from starting to TTC to actually starting treatment on the NHS if you qualify. A friend who started TTC at 36 finally had her child age 39 - she was fortunate to have success first cycle. The older you get the chances of IVF success fall.

Someone up thread suggested getting a private fertility MOT. While not offering any guarantees if you are thinking of leaving it for a while this is a good suggestion.

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

My fertility specialist said, "don't think about how old you want to be when you have your first baby, think about how old you will be when you have your last baby". Do you want siblings? How old will you be when they are 18? When they are having their own children? I waited til 30, had trouble and had to do IVF. I had my first baby at 33. To be honest, I'd give up so much to have those few extra years with him. And now at 36 I have twins on the way! The likelihood of this happening as you age is another consideration in leaving it later. If you're financially stable I would go for it. And as you say, you really won't be spending all that going out money :)

[AutumnMadness]

OP, I do not want to be scaremongering, but I send that suggestion about having a fertility check now, before you make a decision. Have your husband's sperm tested a couple of times with a few months in between and have your FSH hormone levels checked. I don't want to too much into my personal experience, but those stats they publish in newspapers about female fertility dropping in the 30s are really not there just to get women back into the kitchens (although they are often framed as such). I know a few couples who seem to fall pregnant just at the thought of a shag in their 30's and even early 40's, but there were also an awful lot of people in that IVF clinic where I had to go. And the chances of conceiving a baby in late 30s through IVF are around 25-30%, so really a massive gamble, especially when you don't get NHS funding and have to shell out thousands for it.

When you think about having children, don't think just about your job and your income. I hate it when women say "it's not worth me going to work as my wages will not cover nursery fees." It's not just your child and your wages that go towards nursery fees! It's your husband's too. And it's not just you who should have to adjust by going part-time or requesting flexi-time.

Good luck.

[AliceScarlett]

I'd get cracking, you have your whole life to earn more money, you don't have that much longer to make babies in, especially if you want me more than one.

[Cosmo111]

You could wait forever. We planned DD and DH switched jobs after a couple of months he was laid off and I was on maternity leave was horrible. You never know what life is going to throw at you. I personally wouldn't wait till after 36.

[Marmalade85]

I would get on with it. You don't know how long it will take you to conceive and whether either of you may have fertility problems.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

I wouldn't wait that long. You know you want children. 36 is quite late to start trying for a family that you absolutely know you want to have IMO.

[Dozer]

I think it's risky fertility wise to wait if you really do want DC.

[Amummyatlast]

I always say that I'm thankful that I started ttc relatively early (26/27) because it meant that when we realised we needed IVF, I was young enough to be in the 'more likely to be successful' bracket. It took 4 years from us first starting trying to do our first NHS funded IVF round, and we were very lucky that the second round worked and DD arrived 5 years after we first started trying. So while lots of people will have no trouble at 36, there's also lots of people who will and you don't know which group you will be in.

[ProfessorPreciseaBug]

From two different experiences of parents I would say, earlier is better.
DP came along late to parents in their 40's. I came along early to parents in their 20's.

DP's parents are both dead. MiL died six years ago. In my late 50's I have both of mine..(ok they can be a pain and are becoming demanding).

[GreaseIsNotTheWord]

Don't put it off waiting for the perfect time. There never is a perfect time.

There will always, always be something that you think you need to get done/over with first. The roof needs fixing, you want to decorate first, you have a family wedding next year you'd rather not be pregnant for, there's a promotion in work you'd like first, your dh's hours are a bit all over the place...the list is endless. All this stuff keeps happening once you have dc anyway!

I'm not saying to rush it immediately - but there are so many people that wait for the 'perfect' time and then realise too late that it just doesn't exist.

[WibblyWobblyJellyHead]

I had my first (unplanned) when I was 22, single and on benefits.

My second when I was in an abusive marriage.

My third when I was stable, married to a wonderful man and financially secure.

I coped and enjoyed them in all three scenarios. There's never a 'right' time to have babies and in my experience it all works out in the end.

[JustHappy3]

I think your mum is right. I too waited tp have enough money - and then had infertility. Thing is even without infertility it's often about 9-12 months to conceive, then 9 months pregnant, then 6-12 months maternity. So you could start trying tomorrow and it'll be years til baby is in nursery and you're going back to work. Which is when you'd get the better mortgage.
My advice is completely biased - but you are getting on (in fertility terms) so don't put it off.

[boldlygoingsomewhere]

I would say start sooner. I started thing to conceive age 30 and after various investigations and treatment didn't actually end up with a baby until 36. I wish I'd started sooner so that there was a chance of a sibling...

[SquidgyRedBall]

Thanks for all your responses I really and truly appreciate them.

Just to clear up a what few people saying about not to let DM dictate when we have children. She isn't. She's just saying what a lot of people here have said which is basically I'm not getting any younger and if I do want them then not to put it off.

DP is onboard with what I want. Although I suspect he would rather wait. We have spent most of our relationship either on low incomes, then saving for a house, now saving for the wedding it would be nice next year to spend our spare money on a few holidays and treats before children come along.

With regards to the house, we live in London and was the cheapest we could afford. Due to house prices in my area rising means that already, in 3 months, the value has gone up by £50k so should get a better LTV when we remortgage. Just have to hope that it stays that way now!

I don't feel at all broody, I look at friends children and think I want a baby but in a few years. It's always been 'in a few years'.

Infertility is an issue as I have PCOS, but currently losing weight which I hope will help with that so (maybe naively) I'm not overly concerned about that and have not even factored that in. Maybe I should.

Thanks again for all your responses. I have a lot to think about.

[Ihatechoosingnames]

The sooner the better, IMO

[Frazzled2207]

Don't listen to others do what you and your dp want.
I don't think 36 is particularly "old", I had mine at 35 and 37 and know plenty of mums that age and older. Leaving it further towards 40 probably would be risky though.
I agree with the suggestion that some basic testing might be a good idea but it won't (I don't think) give you any indication of how or when things may "drop off a cliff" in the future.
Not that I think these things are that straightforward anyway.

[timegate]

Only you can decide on such a decision, and don't let others opinions affect you, because it's a huge decision which will completely transform your life.

I would ask though, how many children do you want to have? You might want to work backwards and work out when you'll have to start by to get the amount you want. All the best!

[Dozer]

With PCOS - if you want DC - think it'd be far better not to wait, and to bring forward the wedding and ttc.

[specialsubject]

The baby costs almost nothing - all the kit except a cot mattress can be had for peanuts secondhand . it is the lost earnings, childcare and the later school/ life expenses that cost.

That's what you need to work out.