Having Children

[SquidgyRedBall]

Kind of posting for traffic but also AIBU for waiting to have kids?

Getting married next year, just bought a house which is leaving us with no spare money. Can't remortgage for a few years but when we do (judging by house price rises and online calculators) our mortgage payment will be half of what it is leaving us with an extra £1k a month.

DM expects us to start a family sooner rather than later (after the wedding) and has said that due to my age (33) we need to get cracking. Normally she's totally relaxed about things and has always said to do things in your own time.

Should I wait until 36 to start trying when we are more financially secure or just get on with it? DP and I both really want a family sooner rather than later but also we don't want to be scrimping when we do.

FWIW, I'm not being dictated to by DM but the fact that normally she's so blasé and relaxed about things like this but has said 'you ain't getting any younger' has got me thinking. I've said we would struggle to afford them but she and my DS said that financially it is never the right time. My DP also agrees with me but I would hate to be waiting too long and find out it's too late for us.

[Katedotness1963]

I have PCOS and it took 14 years of trying before our first child came along. By that time I was 36, had his wee brother when I was 38. When the eldest was 8 months old my husband retired from the forces. We were in a foreign country, no job, no home, no idea where we were going next. Lived with my dad for three months, the in-laws for two months, apart for five months, till my husband finally got a job that supported us. Not a lot of fun but we got through it. I'd much rather have lived through that struggle than not had the boys.

[BipBippadotta]

Haven't rtft, but my DH and I started trying when I was 34. I'm now 39 and still childless after several losses. We have had every test going and DH and I are apparently totally fine. I've been told menopause is still a good 15 years away, and I have the ovarian reserve of someone ten years younger - but the eggs I have are too old and knackered to produce viable embryos. Some people effortlessly have children well into their 40s (and will tell you it's absolutely possible, nothing to worry about, you're never too old, etc). For others of us the game is up mid 30s. Every body is different. If you and your DP really want a family, I'd advise starting trying now, and you will find a way to make it work financially. Good luck to you.

[JayDot500]

We got married and exchanged keys on the same day, less than a year later I was pregnant. Wasn't planned. Both in FT jobs, husband wasn't ready but I was. We'd always had older women telling us not to wait but it's not their decision.

Now that I have him (DS), life has moulded itself around him. There's never a perfect time, you just get on with it until they grow up and leave home.

[Dumpelstiltskin]

But who knows what will happen over the next 3 years? You may not be financially better off then than you are now - redundancy, illness etc.

I think you need to decide whether you REALLY want a baby now or are prepared to wait and have a few more years of luxurious uninterrupted sleep and freedom. That is wholly your choice not your mother's.

As an aside, it took me 2 years to conceive DC1 (aged 25), we had had fertility tests including a laparoscopy which showed my tubes were blocked and were awaiting an IVF referral. It then took almost 3 years to conceive DC2 (at age 29), we had started the referral to to go down the IVF route again!. Unfortunately DC2 was found to have a lethal syndrome and she died at birth, no genetic connection was found. I then conceived twins 2 months later and had them at age 30 - one has severe learning difficulties. Subsequently I decided to have another with my 40's fast approaching. I was rather overweight at that time and my diet was crap. I had DC5 at nearly 39. He is perfectly healthy.

So IMHO I would not stress about a few years here and there until you get into your late 30's. Things can go wrong at any age. It really is the luck of the draw. What's more important is being mentally ready.

[1Potato2]

I discovered I had PCOS at 29. Gp told me the test results and then asked if I wanted children. I wasn't broody, but knew I wanted dc. She inferred I should get cracking.

I'm 33 next month. Dd is almost 3 and ds is 6 months. I was very lucky.

If you are relatively stable, I'd start ttc. Dh became redundant the day I was due with Dd, but thankfully got another job a week later. Crap will happen whenever.

[apple1992]

If I was in you shoes, I'd wait and get married then see what happens. Not sure I'd want to wait longer just in caee

[SuperFlyHigh]

Ps I derailed. My SIL is your age spent a year TTC before discovering there was a fertility issue with my brother and they're now undergoing IVF in 6 months (have had tests etc been told they need to wait 6 months).

She isn't in the most ideal situation as she's just left a job she's been in for 5 years so won't get maternity leave when she starts her new job, yet. But they have a 2 bedroom flat and my brother would possibly be a SAHD.

I'd try sooner rather than later to be honest. Maybe your sister or SIL would come to a cost effective childcare route for you, as you're family, but look into childcare vouchers etc through work.

You "can" get pregnant (several friends have done the mid to late 30s pregnancies) but it's a big risk to be honest in my opinion. I know of 1 woman got pregnant at 35 unplanned but now at 41 or 42 she's tried since but no luck. I'd do it now whilst time is on your side.

[Aoibhe]

In my experience, babies are cheap. You can breastfed, buy nappies in Aldi, do without 50% of the baby gear you think you'll need. You'll be gifted clothes from 0-12 months (that was our experience anyway, people were extremely generous on our first). You can buy second hand. Babies are free for most things - travel, entrance fees, etc.

It's when they're older that the cost hits. Imagine paying for another adult ALL the time for EVERYTHING - that's what it's like. That's why I cringe when I see people encouraging others to have 3 under 5, 4 under 4 etc. They are screwed when they're older

Fwiw, no, I wouldn't wait. I know of far too many sad stories of people who waited until later in their 30's and who had huge difficulty.

[WalrusGumboot]

You've got the house which imo is the most important thing. Is it important to you to be married before having children? If so, don't save up for a big wedding, have a simple wedding with no frills soon and maybe a big party later. If not, get ttc now and do the wedding later. I personally didn't care about being married and we may never bother with it. But that's me. I had my first dc at 33 and it took us a year with no fertility issues.

[becciandbump]

My friend is a single mum who works and she's to bring her child up happily and still affording things for him he is well cared for. What im trying to say is kids can be very expensive if you have everything but you can also budget I'll be 35 when I give birth to my first and my salary will cut in half when I go part time but unless you have ridiculously overstretched on an expensive house I would have thought a child on 2 incomes should be doable. If you are not ready then by all means wait but it may take a couple years to fall pregnant after 35 (or it may take 1 cycle who knows) just consider if you will want a sibling for your child that's why we started at 35 as I don't want to be too far past 40 when I have a second. Good luck whatever u decide wil be right for you x

[sleeponeday]

I'd cut back on the wedding and get cracking. Though I'd ask how much your sis would need paying for childcare, first. I'd also check out what your entitlements would be - child benefits would rely on neither of you earning more than £50k, and if you can afford to buy in London, I am rather suspecting one at least does.

I'd also be aware that Brexit may mean prices in fact fall - relying on endless rises in London seems a bit unrealistic, tbh. Though in your position I would be looking at commutable places outside London rather than postponing conception.

[AuntDotsie]

I have PCOS and considered myself extremely lucky to have conceived at 34. I mc'd that pregnancy and it made me despair of having any chance of kids. I was supremely lucky to have conceived again 6 months later and had DS at 35.

With PCOS, I'd say it mainly depends on if and how regularly you menstruate - that can give you an idea of how and if you ovulate. Ovulation is key, once you're past that stage everything is much as 'normal'. Conception can still take time, as it can for women with no fertility issues. You may also have other problems you don't know about. Also bear in mind that if your cycle is longer than the standard 4 weeks, you have fewer chances per year to conceive. My cycle is typically 7-8 weeks, meaning I had/have only 6 conception opportunities per year.

I was only diagnosed with PCOS at 33. If I'd known about it earlier, I'd've started TTC earlier. I wouldn't hang about if I were you!

[trafalgargal]

Maybe if you've lived together for a while your Mum is assuming it's the next logical step. Plenty of people who've lived together for years before getting married do TTC straight away. If her friends kids have gone that route maybe she's assuming you'll do the same?

[MephistoMarley]

I wouldn't wait in your circumstances tbh

[LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF]

In my experience, the first couple of years can be managed quite cheaply - it gets more expensive as they get older! I'm a bit of a tightwad bargain hunter by nature, and if you're happy with second-hand stuff, it's fairly easy. My best purchase was a gorgeous Mothercare buggy for £10 at a car boot sale! I actually had other mums stop me and ask where I got it, and would feel terribly smug about it! If you have friends with young children they are often more than happy to give/sell their old baby stuff too.

[teta]

I started trying to conceive when I was 30....I didn't until I was 34 and had dd1 when I was 35.i didn't conceive over the next 4 years so decided to go for Ivf.Luckily this worked at the first time and I had twins!Then I managed to naturally get pregnant ( accidentally ) with my fourth at 42.I never thought I would have children let alone 4.

My message is don't leave it any longer than you have to.Fertility problems are really quite common ( mine were never diagnosed).There is never a perfect time to have a baby.My generation were encouraged to have babies late and have a profession.I am going to encourage mine to have them young as well as expecting them to academically work hard,though I will help of course.Young men today are very different to previous generations and are prepared to help out and apportion tasks equally.

[RandomMess]

Seriously how much are you planning on spending on your wedding?

I would have a less expensive wedding and use that money towards future childcare fees etc.

33 potential fertility issues, if you certain you want DC I wouldn't wait much longer tbh.

[bunnyfuller]

Er....your choices, not Mum's. It's harsh but it's you will have to live with/finance any direction you choose. Laid back mum needs to go back to laid back

[juneau]

If you're sure you want to have a family, I would say don't put it off three years to start trying. If you have problems at age 36 your options will be much more limited.

However, I don't see it is a 'now or in three years' time' issue. Why not give it a year, so you can get your wedding and maybe a couple of nice holidays in, and then try? That gives you time to lose weight too (which is important - you're much more likely to get pregnant if you're within the 'healthy' weight range for your height). That would strike me as the best of all worlds. My DH and I wanted a year of married life before we started trying for a baby and I'm so glad we had that, because you can never get that time back once you have a DC. Making the most of your time as a couple is important. I know so many people who were 30-something when they got married and rushed into getting pregnant immediately. I'm really glad we had a full year of just being 'us'. I was a month from my 34th birthday when DS1 came along and those happy memories of our first, child-free year of marriage sustained us through the exhausting early years of child-rearing. If you don't want to rush into it, don't. But also don't wait too long either!

[SuperFlyHigh]

Maryz really so all Childress people you know are sad about this?

I know a number of single or dating/living with someone women in their 30s/40s including me, and though yes, it would have been lovely to have had a child in the right circumstances but we haven't had them (my mum was a single mum but due to a divorce) - my mum had a bloody hard time being a single mum as did some friends who were pregnant at 18.

Although we've been upset about this, talked about adoption etc at the end of the day what will be will be.

We certainly aren't sad about this!

I agree with some extent to what you say about women with partners who won't allow them to have children though.

[maggiethemagpie]

All the stuff you need for babies you can buy second hand on ebay, then sell again when they grow out of it. A lot of people get virtually all their baby stuff this way. If you take good care of it, or it's stuff that doesn't wear, you can probably get a similar price for what you paid in the first place, less ebay fees (10%).

[strawberrybootlace]

If you are 33, have PCOS and are sure that you want children at some point then I agree with your mum. There's never a perfect time to have a baby!

[specialsubject]

The baby costs almost nothing - all the kit except a cot mattress can be had for peanuts secondhand . it is the lost earnings, childcare and the later school/ life expenses that cost.

That's what you need to work out.

[Dozer]

With PCOS - if you want DC - think it'd be far better not to wait, and to bring forward the wedding and ttc.