AIBU to be frustrated with friends constant advice OR am I subconsciously just bitter *back story*

[TiredConfusedMumma]

Warning - long post!

I'm a relatively new mum... I have a 2 year old DD who, while being the light of my life has never been a good sleeper which means she's a gremlin anytime sleeps involved..
She goes to bed around 630ish because she simply can't stay awake any longer as she will NOT nap during the day... (Yes I've tried it all) I'm losing my marbles.
My friend, former best friend (have fallen distant since DD was born) constantly offers me advice on anything to do with DD. Very blatantly obvious advice. Have you tried putting her to bed later, have you tried day time naps, Yada Yada... I'm a single first time mum so I'm far from knowing it all but I'm not completely without some knowledge of what my girl needs. My friend isn't a mother, and yet still comments on how 'easy it must be to stay home all day'....

Quick back story before I open up to being told I'm being a sook! On the day I told her I was pregnant, she burst into tears (of what I thought were happiness - wrong) and her first words were "I want to be happy for you but this is just devastating for me"... She'd divorced 2 years prior and has always wanted kids so I guess the idea that I was having a baby was upsetting to her... And I get that but I'll never get over those words.

So here's the question. AIBU because I'm a bitter cow who can't forget? Or is it generally just frustrating to be offered advice from someone repeatedly who hasn't been through what you are going through on a daily basis???

Thanks

[TiredConfusedMumma]

& Bipbipadotta I'm so sorry for your loss. It's something you can't describe in words

[TiredConfusedMumma]

MeeMolly no absolutely, I understand what you meant and I expected to be told I was being a bitter cow. I read these posts all the time so I know it's a tell it like it is environment... It's more the flack about cancelling plans due to DD's sleeping problems...
As said, when your a single mum with no help and a friend who doesn't want to be around your DD, it's a bit of a tricky one to get out of!
But thank you

[Meemolly]

Sorry, I didn't mean my message to sound so harsh. I'm sorry for your loss too. I was just trying to emphasise that on a site like this you are not always going to get agreement. xx

[BipBippadotta]

Tired I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. I had a stillbirth at 40 weeks and I know how horrible it is.

[Meemolly]

No one's attacking you love, you're on an internet site and we're a lot of faceless strangers with our views that you asked for. It's kind of the nature of the beast on AIBU. We are not all going to say, oh poor you. You can choose what you take in and what you ignore. You know best.

[TiredConfusedMumma]

Myownprivateidaho I agree that I need to move on, you're dead right about that, but I have to disagree about the SAHM part...
This is a constant remark she makes & I also have to mention that I do work too so it's a bit of a weird comment to make.
Re the sleep, if you read my post above you'll see that I don't talk to her about it... She just knows that I've been having trouble because I've had to go interstate to a sleep school etc

I've only had to cancel plans a couple of times because of DDs sleep as opposed to her cancelling many times because she's had a last minute tinder date lol... This doesn't bother me. It's life. I feel a bit attacked on this one. I'm a single mum with no help on a single wage. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with DD in this situation? She doesn't want to be around her & if she's not in bed asleep & I can't afford to have someone look after her so that I can make the trip to go to her, what options am I left with? It's a bit of a tricky one? Everyone's agreed here that I shouldn't (I can't think of a better way of wording it) rub DD in her face... So if she's not asleep she would be there with us & then that would be uncomfortable for my friend and... So I'm stuck.

[Moomichi]

A girl at work said to me, when I returned from maternity leave, 'I might have a baby so I can have a year off' 😂
There's no way to really explain to someone who doesn't have children what it's actually like. And that's just fact, not me being nasty. I was a far better parent before I had children! I guess you either have to address it or learn to ignore it.
Lack of sleep is horrific and I feel your pain as my third baby doesn't sleep well. Xx

[myownprivateidaho]

And agree that it's not going to make her feel great if you cancel plans because of your DD's sleep. You need to not do that, it's really disrespectful, and your time is not more important than hers just because you have a child. I think that sharp comments about your DD's sleeping habits in the context of you cancelling last minute because your DD can't sleep are a completely different kettle of fish to random snarky remarks.

[myownprivateidaho]

Erk. I think you're mostly being unreasonable I'm afraid.

Unsolicited advice is very annoying. But it's easily solved: "I know you're trying to help, but your giving advice is frustrating and upsetting to me. Please stop, and let's just enjoy our conversations." If she doesn't stop after you've repeated that a couple of times, I'd have more sympathy. But as it is, she's offering well-meaning advice presumably without knowing that your blood is boiling. I think it's unfair to hold this against her without at least letting her know it's a problem.

Also... is the advice really out of the blue, or is it in response to complaints about your baby's sleep? If you're complaining about something a lot, it's natural for a friend to suggest solutions. I think if you want to complain to her (and why not, she's your friend) you have to spell out that you are just looking to rant, and do not want any advice to get over the problem.

About the crying - I think yabu. It wasn't an ideal reaction on her part, but it's clearly a very difficult subject for her, and it sounds like since then she's sucked it up and is trying to be a good friend.

About staying home all day... I think it really depends how this comment is said. It is a bit of a privilege to be a SAHM to a two year old, and though of course that's not the same as it being easy, this might be her way of articulating that.

Ultimately, it's strange to me that you would continue to feel bitter about her reaction to your baby announcement, which must have been about 3 years ago. What do you have to be bitter about? Ultimately, you are the one who got the baby, she is still childless 3 years on. You are in an enviable position, and as such I'm afraid I think it falls on you to be the bigger person. As it is, it seems like she's making more of an effort not to be bitter than you are, when that must be much harder for her than for you.

[TiredConfusedMumma]

Colaspangles that's right! And the thing is I don't actually chat about it tbh it's more just that I might mention I couldn't do something because I had to get home & get DD to sleep or recently I took her interstate to a sleep school that someone had told me miraculously fixed their DD's sleeping problems. So I don't tend to whine about it... I know I've got it good, she's my whole world! But yeah, that's how she'd be picking up on the fact I'm having problems!

In any case I know it's affecting our friendship & I have to do something. Either back off or talk to her. She told me in the beginning that she didn't want to hear anything about it (the pregnancy) and she's been very distant with DD since she was born (which again I understand) but DD and I are a package deal now so I guess I need to ask her how she feels and if being around us upsets her maybe I need to give her some space

She can have children. She just hasn't met the right man yet... And doesn't want to do it on her own (which is her decision) so at this point I have to respect her feelings and just hope that we can move past this & be as close as we once were!

[ColaSpangles]

Yes and sometimes we just need to chat, doesn't mean we want heaven sent advice from all knowing friends tee hee

[blitheringbuzzards1234]

I'm with arfandarf on this. Advice is all right if you've asked but if it's given by someone who obviously hasn't 'been there and done that, bought the t-shirt' it's bound to irritate. Inside you're thinking, 'wait until it happens to you, then you'll think differently.'

[Atenco]

I hate being given unsolicited advice but unfortunately have caught myself giving it on occasions. So maybe you should point her towards mumsnet, this is the place where people like me can give advice till the cows come home and get it out of our systems.

[TiredConfusedMumma]

SpecialAgentFreyPie when I was 25 I fell pregnant with my ex & while unplanned I couldn't see myself choosing any other option but to go ahead with the pregnancy... I got to 32 weeks and unfortunately lost the baby. Stillbirth. So I know the pain & loss she feels in a way. For years after this even though I hadn't planned on having kids, when someone mentioned pregnancy etc inside I would feel a ping of sadness before I could be happy for them BUT it was something I felt better kept internal as I felt it best to celebrate others moments of joy/blessings etc... But I do understand not everyone can do that.

Years on at 31 I fell pregnant again, unplanned (while on the pill) and again while it wasn't something I seen in my future, it's something that has changed my life for the better.

I have multiple good friends on IVF who I'm still very close with. They've reacted very differently. I guess it's all to do with how people cope.

I try not to talk to much about my DD.. In fact it's the opposite. Our convos are very much one sided, based around her more than anything... She doesn't often ask much about me, my life, my DD, anything... I accept that because I don't need to talk about myself, and let's be honest talking about baby poo & sleep routines etc isn't great convo!

Re catching up, and having to cancel etc it has only happened a couple of times... And we live over an hour apart but I can see how this would be frustrating for her. Unfortunately for me, DD comes first and I don't expect friend to drive all the way to me when I can't get someone to help look after DD

Thanks again for all the input X

[BipBippadotta]

It sounds like the two of you need a bit of a break from each other. Having struggled unsuccessfully through 5 years of infertility, with many losses along the way, I can say from my own experience that I've cut ties with most of my friends who are mothers, as it is just too painful. I can't speak to them about my pain at not being a mother because it makes them feel uncomfortable (and often slightly aggressive / defensive); they also feel (as you do) that the focus should be on their happiness, their baby, their exhaustion from all the important struggles that parenthood brings.

That said, it's shitty of her to give unsolicited advice. But she probably finds it painful to hear about how difficult it is for you to be a mother when she will likely never be one. This may be her way of trying to say, 'if you can't handle hearing about what's difficult for me, I'm going to shut you down when you talk about what's difficult for you.' Not a nice thing to do, granted. But I'd imagine it comes from a place of great sadness, rather than a feeling you're not doing things right. You're not right for each other right now.

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

I've felt similar before after miscarrying a child very far along & know what it's like to want something so badly that it hurts to see those close to you have it, before you get to experience it yourself.

I couldn't imagine wanting babies only to have your best mate who never even planned on them to fall pregnant unplanned

Sorry, I'm just a bit confused?

[ColaSpangles]

It can be difficult keeping a high maintenance friendship going once one of you has a child - there has to be some flexibility or the friendship goes out with window IME. Having a young child plus being a single mum is shattering and all-consuming, no two ways about it.

IMO the pregnancy comment was selfish but an outburst can be forgiven in a good friendship. The unhelpful shitty stating-the-bloody-obvious advice is apparently part of being a mother, I've found. It sucks, doesn't it! But I don't think it's passive aggressive, just a bit inexperienced and silly.

[NeedACleverNN]

You could excuse it once or twice with extreme tiredness but not nearly every time.

Life goes on.

[OlennasWimple]

"Just life" is when you cancel your plans because your child is sick, not because she won't settle to sleep (again)

She can empathize with you that you have it tough whilst also being annoyed at her plans being messed around, and it must be really hard not to comment if this is a recurring issue

[TiredConfusedMumma]

I've forgiven, if that even makes sense... There's not really anything to forgive...
And it doesn't play on my mind daily. It's just an occasional niggle

Thank you for your advice everyone - I will do my best to zap it out of my system!

For the record though for the few that have said I'm insensitive etc, I just want to reiterate that I'm completely empathetic to her situation. I couldn't imagine wanting babies only to have your best mate who never even planned on them to fall pregnant unplanned... I was scared lifeless to tell her... I just wished it could have been worded differently but I get it now as someone posted, she would have been breaking down at that point... Her choice of words was probably the last thing on her mind!

Olennaswimple i do understand that but I'm a single mum with not a lot in the way of help... Childcare @ night, doesn't really happen & I'm not trusting of baby sitters with a 2 year old... Surely she should understand this is just life right?

[OlennasWimple]

TBH I'd be annoyed if my plans to do things with a friend kept being derailed by her DD's bad sleeping habits

[MatildaTheCat]

Someone recently posted a very funny extract from a mum blogger with a non sleeper, maybe someone can link it for you. Try to accept her advice as well meant if useless. My mil used to ask me why my ds had tantrums and look as if I must surely know but simply hadn't bothered to figure it out .

Try to get over her initial response to your pregnancy unless this is one example of many mememe situations in which case you might be better making new friends. Having a 2 year old is a fab way of making new friends. .

[Daisygarden]

Oh and no, you're not a bitter cow who can't forget re the reaction to your pregnancy. I remember some hurtful comments over a few things when I was pregnant. I don't dwell on them but I can't actually forget them.

[Daisygarden]

She probably thinks she's being very helpful and (like others looking on, even parents themselves!) think if only they were in charge, they would deal with that toddler tantrum so much better, etc... Also from the reaction to your pregnancy, she is likely desperate for a DC herself. It's disappointing, but you are the one with the thing she wants so maybe try to overlook that.

BTW all my 3 DCs went to bed at 6.30pm at that age. If she doesn't want to nap, she doesn't want to nap! Can't make them (unfortunately, if you are looking forward to a break )

The reaction to your pregnancy, she i

[TiredConfusedMumma]

Thank you Puppymouse

It's so much harder than I ever expected. To be honest, I think I had the same attitude pre baby... SAHMs have it made!!! But then it happens and yeah.... Reality sets in lol

I work too and those days feel like a day off!

But wouldn't change it for the world!

I only hope my friend is next in line!