My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

Not to tell my friend that her DP is on a dating site?

31 replies

LobsterQuadrille · 29/07/2016 10:36

I'm on POF. Last night, I received a message from the long term partner of a reasonably close friend of mine. I know that they've had issues in the past but I met her last week and she gave every impression that they were fine - they bought a holiday home together last year, FB says that he brought her breakfast in bed yesterday morning and spent the day on the beach (that's actually the only indication that things might be wrong - the FB posts saying "we're fine").

His POF profile said that he was "separated". Incidentally I have never met him, but have seen enough photos of him to know 100% that it was him. I replied "Hi (real name), I'm a good friend of A's and I hope that all is OK with the two of you" or something like that. The next thing I know, the messages plus his profile have disappeared (I googled and it's possible to do this if you a) block the person and then b) delete your profile).

I'm thinking that I shouldn't interfere, that there may be stuff going on that I don't know about, that he may have "just been looking". This is more of a WWYD - I suppose that I would want to know but I can't bring myself to tell her and have actually cancelled coffee with her tomorrow in case her conversation is all about him and how happy they are .....

OP posts:
Report
LobsterQuadrille · 29/07/2016 13:53

I've just checked her FB page (not because I am a stalker) and he has written a comment underneath her last post about loving her (this was yesterday evening). So Smurfnoff sadly not - I see her pretty regularly and yes, I will bring this up - as I had zero proof anyway, the timing won't matter and I think it's very unlikely indeed that he will mention anything to do with it.

OP posts:
Report
Smurfnoff · 29/07/2016 13:46

Best case scenario - she wanted to meet up to tell you they've split for good. If you avoid seeing her you won't know.

Report
pleasemothermay1 · 29/07/2016 13:32

This is always very tricky.

Because for you tell her and she stays with him it's likey your friendship will not last

This happed with my two sisters

Sister 1 husband made a pass at sister 2 sister one didn't belive sister 2 and was told by her do it was actually sister 2 that made a pass at him

She's still with dp and now sister 2 is pretty much banned from the house branded as a trouble maker newphews think she's liar

I would send her the link to his profile anonymously or a screen shot of it if she gets rid then confess if she stays with him then she's not borthered

Report
LobsterQuadrille · 29/07/2016 13:24

I've got no email notification since POF helpfully informed me some time ago that my email account doesn't exist (it does). And I don't know this man personally - I'm not friends with him on FB and have no way of contacting him - she and I are friends as our DC were at primary school together a long time ago - when she was married to someone who was also a bit of a tosser. And I've tried to search him via a "dummy" POF account, to no avail. Thank you for all suggestions though - I really wanted a general "am I being a complete coward?" reaction and I suppose that I am.

OP posts:
Report
SouthWindsWesterly · 29/07/2016 13:18

Can anyone else search for him for screenshots? Just tell him - you tell her, or I have screenshots and will. That way, you won't get shot for telling her. But she does need to know.

Report
Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/07/2016 13:15

Actually there's an easier way; tell him that he's got to tell her by such-and-such a date, and that if he doesn't do it, you will

He'll probably invent a story about how you saw him somewhere and got the wrong end of the stick, but if she's got any sense she'll then ask for your version - which gives you the "in" you need, hopefully without ruffling too many feathers

Report
ChipInTheSugar · 29/07/2016 13:08

Do you not get an email saying you have received a message from a POF user? I know it won't identify him but it's something! She could say the username to him and see his reaction.

Report
Smurfnoff · 29/07/2016 12:59

I can see why Sofabitch is saying she might shoot the messenger, and I think you may have to be prepared for that. But I also think it would be far worse if she finds out later that you knew.

Report
LobsterQuadrille · 29/07/2016 12:57

Buttmuncher again, with hindsight it wasn't an intelligent reply, but I was so astounded that I just wanted him to know that I knew - and my automatic reaction wasn't to get proof or be sleuth-like, it was to get him off the site and stop him. Stupid but true.

I can't find any trace of the message to him or from him - and I googled and there was a similar question from someone a few years ago and the same thing had happened (except in his case it was a woman he obviously liked). I even set up another POF account in case he'd just blocked me - but he'd deleted the whole account. Sadly my sleuthing skills appeared too late.

OP posts:
Report
ButtMuncher · 29/07/2016 12:51

I'd want to know, but I understand you're in a bit of a bind here as you don't actually have any proof. TBH, I dunno why you'd have replied with "hope everything is OK" when you could see everything was just fine on FB, but horses for courses - I'd have been screenshotting the shit out of that profile! So realistically, what proof have you got to substantiate your claim?

I haven't used POF for many years, but I remember once upon a time when you'd receive a message from another user, they would often have the users profile embedded within the e-mail with a small jpeg of the profile picture. Him blocking/deleting his profile wouldn't affect this as it was embedded in the e-mail at the point of sending it. May be worth a shot.

Report
LobsterQuadrille · 29/07/2016 12:50

Thanks for your replies. With hindsight, of course I wish I'd taken a screenshot but I didn't realise that someone's account plus all messages could be wiped off with no trace. It's very unlikely that he would accuse me of making advances because he is completely not my type (much younger (I go for older), a heavy drinker (I am in AA), scruffy etc etc) whereas my friend and I are quite similar, drinking aside.

I'm still undecided and yes, I have given him thinking time. I suppose it's a case of asking for advice when you know the answer and wish you didn't as I do suspect if I tell her I'll lose a friend.

OP posts:
Report
timelytess · 29/07/2016 12:46

Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Best advice as posted upthread.

Report
RainbowJack · 29/07/2016 12:43

You wouldn't be a friend of mine if you knew and kept it to yourself.

Report
DietCockBreak · 29/07/2016 12:42

Tell her. It's not your job to hide his cheating.

Report
Missgraeme · 29/07/2016 12:35

Either look a bitch for telling her or stand next to her at the wedding and let her make a fool of herself. And when she finds out u will look a bitch anyway!!

Report
NameChange30 · 29/07/2016 12:32

I would rather tell my friend and lose the friendship than hide the truth.

If my friend blamed me for being honest about her partner's shitty behaviour, she wouldn't be a friend worth keeping.

Report
KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 29/07/2016 12:15

As you'get not got proof, you're in a tricky situation as he will deny it and she will probably shoot the messenger. He certainly won't have told her anything.

You're not an accessory to him cheating by not saying anything. He's the only one in the wrong here.

I'd keep my mouth shut. If you see him on POF or another dating site again - after all he won't be able to keep away if he's planning on cheating - screen shot and show it to her.

From personal experience the only thing that happens if you tell someone their partner is looking to cheat, or is cheating, it's the person who is doing the telling that ends up in the shit.

Repeat: Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Report
glitterwhip · 29/07/2016 11:56

I would definitely tell her ..it's just a shame you didn't manage to screenshot the conversation
I'd imagine he's done a proper CSI job clearing up his evidence by now

Report
SookieandEric · 29/07/2016 11:51

Of course you have to tell her. Like today. Like now.

If not you're giving him time to come up with a plausible excuse or to put your name through the mud first. Don't think for one second he isn't already on the offensive.

Report
JustGettingStarted · 29/07/2016 11:49

She's not an accomplice, FFS. She's not responsible for the misdeeds of other people. There have been threads on here before where a friend's partner hits on someone. The friendship usually ends.

I guess I would tell, but be fully prepared to lose the friendship.

Report
LobsterQuadrille · 29/07/2016 11:03

Sofabitch - kind of shoot the messenger - that was my initial thought, along with the fact that I have no proof. And that he could claim to have been "curious" and the kind of crap that people come out with, and that their partners choose to believe because it's the easier path.

I still don't really know. Either way, when we meet and she starts talking about how great he is, I suspect that I won't be able to look her in the eye - my brother always said I made a lousy poker player.

OP posts:
Report
NameChange30 · 29/07/2016 11:02

" I suppose that I would want to know but I can't bring myself to tell her and have actually cancelled coffee with her tomorrow in case her conversation is all about him and how happy they are ....."

So far you're acting like a coward and a shit friend.

I can't believe you have actually cancelled coffee with her.

You should have taken a screenshot of his profile and message. You shouldn't have replied to him at all. Now you've given him chance to delete everything and cover his tracks.

You would want to know. So do the right thing.

Unless you're not her friend after all.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Sofabitch · 29/07/2016 10:57

I told my friend that her Dp was on a swinging site once...she since found out about 10+ affairs.

I hear they are getting married this year. She doesnt speak to me anymore for trying to ruin her relationship. Tbh i couldn't care less.

My best friends partner has cheated on her a ton of times ... still is.. i tod her the first time i found out (it was his 3rd affair). But since then have decided she clearly knows/suspects but is choosing to turn a blind eye.

For some reason often the person telling is seen as the bad person... go fugure

Report
LobsterQuadrille · 29/07/2016 10:52

Missgraeme I guess that's why I posted on here, having been so sure last night.

OP posts:
Report
LucyLocketLostIt · 29/07/2016 10:52

My vote would be to tell her. She should know.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.